Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 8 - Better Off Undead - full transcript

You probably wondering
what's going on.

Let me explain.

You have a bear trap
locked onto your head

ready to rip your jaws apart.

You find yourself
in this situation

because you're a pathetic,
useless worm.

To escape,
you'll have to dig the key

out of that guy's stomach.

As a social worker,
I find that people

tend to create obstacles
for themselves.

They become
their own worst enemies,



And all that tension
builds up inside

Until they can't
hold it in anymore.

Get out of here.
I got to drop a deuce.

We are working out
a domestic issue,

Not that it's
any of your business.

I just made it my business.

And now I'm going
to do my business.

You have one new message.

Hi, I found a wallet
for one Mark Lilly.

And I'm entering the witness
protection program today,

so if you're
gonna want it back,

You need to call me
immediately at...

Beep!
Message cut off.

Inbox is full.



Randall, you've got to clear
Krystal's message

off the machine.

No chance.
Crunch! Splort!

There should really
be a warning on this bag.

Old message, 47 minutes.

Her phone clearly dialed
you by accident.

If you fast-forward
to minute 34,

Her mumbling has the cadence

Of someone saying,
"Randall, I love you."

"Randall, I love you."

Clear as day.

She's the girl
you went zombie for.

I get it.

But you have to move on.

She has a name.

Krystal, with a "k."

There are lots of other women
out there

Who don't have
restraining orders against you.

All you ve to do to meet them
is push that delete button.

Not gonna happen.

Come on.

Let's push it together.

No!
Snap!

Beep! Message
erased... Forever.

I'm proud of you.

Just keep it.

Everyone, this is Tim.

I thought
his name Martin.

We're Martin.

Do we all look the same to you?

Yes.

As they should.

They're all
direct descendants

Of the original
two-headed worm creature, mitch.

Worm creature history
is littered with examples

Of right heads
dominating left heads,

Going all the way back

To the great unpaid butler
scandal of 1912.

In the '50s, left heads
suffered the indignity

Of separate drinking fountains.

Then there was
the disturbing trend

Of right heads
pimping out left heads.

I'm so glad that we work,
you know?

Mwah!

I know
what you're insinuating,

But we don't have
a problem.

That is, if certain heads want
to keep their last two teeth.

I've seen enough.

No!

I can't make it on my own.

Would you give us a minute,
please?

Please don't upset him.

He's not a merciful head.

You need to get away
from him, Tim.

Listen, I'm late
for my psych evaluations.

But I'm here for you 24-7, man.

You'll get through this.

At least leave me the junk.

Okay, it's time
for employee psych evaluations.

Let's get started here.

Any emotional issues you feel

May impact your ability
to do your job?

The only thing
that gets me out of bed

Is the thought
of robbing a bank.

Well, as long as it remains
a fantasy.

It really bothers me that
I don't have any girlfriends.

I just get along better
with guys for some reason.

Again, just focused
on work issues here.

I don't understand
today's women.

Sure, megan fox
is handsome enough,

But I've never once
heard her mention

Her theories on housekeeping.

You know, there are a lot of
online dating sites for seniors.

Maybe you're right.

Septuagenarians
have a sexual resume

To please me in the sack.

And by "sack,"
I mean testicles.

I'm very particular
about how they're handled.

I see.
Good to know.

Grimes talked about old
women handling his balls

for the rest of the hour.

On top of that, I still feel
guilty about separating Tim.

I'm responding to you.

Wait a minute.

What are we doing in a
restaurant with cloth napkins...

Are we stalking Krystal?

Well, I guess
you caught me, Mark.

Now, quit blocking
my stalking mirror.

Randall?

Oh, great! Now you
got unibrow cong over.

Happy?

Comrade zombie,

You will leave,
or I will break you.

My only retina!

So...

How have you been?

I just texted the police.

You're so cute
when you threaten me.

Now you will taste
my eye acid.

Who squirts acid
out of their eye?

What, were you
raised in a barn?

You're lucky I was able
to pull some strings

To get you out on bail.

You're my four-leaf clover.

I want you to promise me

You're done
obsessing on Krystal.

What am I supposed to do
all night?

Stalking Krystal
was such a great time killer.

I'm sure
you'll think of something.

"Paper fastener."

Four letters.

It's like nothing I try
gets her off my mind.

The internet
will know what to do.

Are you a zombie
but afraid to stalk?

Yes.

Do you kill yourself
walking at a normal pace

Rather than a comfortable
zombie stagger?

I've never not done that.

Hello, I'm Xavier gates,

And if the answer to any
of these questions is yes,

You should slowly come on down

To the new paltz
zombieology center,

Where the undead go
to feel alive.

What?

Randall,
why am I dressed like Krystal?

Sorry, you're gonna have
to solve

Your own problems
from now on.

Why?
Where are you going?

To the zombieology center.

I'm leaving behind everything
I've ever known or been,

Just like you told me.

I'm pretty sure
I didn't say that.

Your words can't hurt me
anymore, Krystal.

At least give me time
to find a new roommate.

I have nowhere else to go!

You and worm guy
are gonna be great together.

I made your
favorite breakfast,

a hot dog bun filled
with scrambled eggs

and all the fixings.

How did you know
about egg dogs?

You've only been here
15 minutes.

I took your cell phone
and called your mother.

Is that okay?

You can cut me if you want.

Listen, I know
you have codependency issues,

But you don't need to seek out
my approval.

Although
if you're looking for notes,

It could use
a little pepper.

Welcome to the zombieology
center, Randall.

I'll be your mentor

On your journey
to becoming a pure zombie.

When do we start stalking?

There's this girl
I'm really obsessed with,

And I want to start
harassing her asap.

Patience.

You must creep
before you stagger.

Hi, Xavier!

Hi, Ashton.

Great window smash.

Really alarming.

Ashton used to drive
a school bus.

We affectionately
refer to this area

As the graveyard.

Because it is a graveyard?

Precisely.
Oh, my God! No!

Think of it
as a place where you can

Really get in touch
with your inner monster.

Inner monster?

You sound like my roommate,
dude.

Just get to the point.

Very well.
Smack!

We'll move
straight to burying you alive.

Part of the reason
today's zombies are so soft is,

Most never had to fight
their way out of the grave.

Stop it.

You're soiling my shirt.

We'll worry about that
after we've broken you.

See you after the dirt nap.

Good evening, my lord.

Hey, you can call me Mark.

And I don't need
turndown service.

It's okay.

This is a safe place.

We really need to work
on your self-esteem

And your pillow fluffing.

These things
could not be lumpier.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Is that better?

Yes, of course.
I apologize.

I don't know
where that came from.

Take the rest of the night off.

So he's just
going to stand there.

Well, well, look who's up.

Well done, Randall.

It's with great pleasure
that I bestow

The official zombieology
grave climber badge.

It is also
my distinct pleasure

To offer you
this glass of water.

I probably should have
done the water part first.

American popping corn?

Slower!

More limping.

See the door,
smash the door.

Respect the door.

Mark, I'd like you to meet
my new girlfriend.

We met at the bus station.

She's a runaway.

I don't want to be
an actress anymore.

Call me!

We'll go for Cosmos!

Quiet.

You'll wake Tim.

I can't believe how small
he can make himself.

What do you say
we torture him together?

No, I'm breaking up
with him tonight

Before he gets too attached.

Class, the Randall
you met yesterday is no more.

He's taken a new zombie name,

So let's say hello to...

He's going to tell us
what he's learned so far.

Excuse me.

I still have some dirt
in my lungs.

Unlike oxen,
zombies never sleep,

So the greedy skin wearers

Put our brothers and sisters
to work plowing fields.

The live man's military used
our people to sweep for mines.

By replacing crash test dummies
with zombies,

The auto industry made millions

On the rotting backs
of the undead.

The end.

A lot to think about.

Well done.

American cookie circle?

Sit.

Good boy.

Mark, there's something
I need to tell you.

Tim, I think we need to have
a little talk.

Sorry.
You first.

I'm going into labor!

Hey, come on,
I just had the cab detailed.

Oh!
Sorry, Mark.

Didn't mean to interrupt.

You were saying?

Never mind.

You ever deliver a worm head?

No, and the
meter's running, pal.

The new head's coming, Mark.

Leonard.
He'll know what to do.

Nobody say a word,
or you're all dead.

Hello!

Leonard,
I got a little situation here.

Tim has gone into labor.

I've got a bit
of a situation myself.

Are you robbing a bank?

Mark, this is no time
for crazy accusations.

Look into the neck hole.

You should see a face.

There's no face, just a chin.

Oh, boy,
it's coming in breech.

You're gonna have
to pull the head out.

Zap!
Mark, I got to run.

I'm so glad we're gonna
raise this head together.

Don't ever leave me,
Mark Lilly.

Daddy.

Just drive, okay?

You've staggered

And you've smashed your way
right into our hearts.

But you have one final step
to take.

Bring out the cage!

What the hell
is going on here?

I demand to speak
to the manager in charge.

Crack open his skull
and feast.

Then we'll bring you Krystal
for dessert.

Hey, stop it!

This isn't funny anymore.

I have a wife and mistress.

Oh, yeah!

Don't choke on his hair.

Brains!

I'd like to thank the
love of my life, Mark,

who's going to
take care of me

and my baby head
forever and ever.

I hope this is first of many
for you and worm monster.

Randall.

Everyone,
I'd like to say something.

I used to have a roommate.

We could not have been
a worse match on paper.

A zombie living with a human?

But somehow, we made it work.

Do you see
where I'm going with this?

He has to be careful,
or he'll swallow his tongue.

Congrats.

I'm putting you two
back together.

I'm gonna need your consent
to make this happen.

Blink once if you want to rejoin
the left half.

But my cigarette burns
haven't even healed up yet.

Well,
now you can heal together.

Daddy, don't go!

I don't know.

I wouldn't have ordered the tims
back together

If something wasn't off.

May I be frank?
Please.

Mark, my obsession with
bank robbery was all-consuming.

But even after
the successful getaway,

I found it didn't fix me...

In here.

So you did rob that bank.

'cause legally,
I might be required to...

You're missing the point.

Your guilt about
driving Randall into a cult

Is destroying you.

"driving" is a little severe.

I may have played
some small role in...

Name the one thing that
Randall wants most in the world.

Krystal?

Yes.

You've done the hard part.

Now take that last step back
from the brink.

What do you want me to do?

This is not going to end well.

All right, let's do this.

I'm looking
for Randall skeffington.

I heard
he wants to eat my brains.

Yes, he checked out
this morning and went home.

Huh, of course he did.

Randall, where are you?

Back home.
What's the matter, corn muffin?

Oh, nothing much.

Listen, I'm gonna
call you right back.

Taxi!

Leonard, you convinced
me that my very life

depended on
turning into Krystal.

Really not ringing a bell.

To free Randall

from living the rest of
his life in a cult?

Mark, in case
you weren't aware,

I have a serious
drinking problem.

Whatever,
just get your wand out

And get me
out of this tube top.

Of course.
I'm nothing if not a pro.

Abra re-dude-bra.

Hocus add-a-penis.

Tell you what.

Let me sleep the booze off

And give it another shot
in the morning.

Boy, I could get lost
in those eyes.

Yeah, they wanted me
to eat some dude's brain,

Then pay, like, 500 bucks,

So I told them
to kiss my grits.

I really wish
I had that information

Before I turned into a girl.

Well, it might not
be a total loss.

You could make a longtime
fantasy of mine come true.

What's the big deal?

No means no, mister.

Let's see
if we can talk about this,

As non-homicidal adults,
in the morning.

What?

I've really let myself go.

Leonard, thank God!
What is happening to me?

I have some bad news.

But first, did you get
the gift basket I sent

From Dean and Deluca?

I did not.

Oh, it was supposed to be
delivered before 9:00.

Just spit it out already.

Well, it turns out
the spell I used on you

Was actually a curse.

Long story short,
you will die of old age

By week's end
unless you...

I didn't catch
that last part.

You have intercourse
with a man

To completion.

You are a terrible wizard.

I can't argue with that.

Look, babe, you're
gonna have to face this,

or you're going to die.

Man, my cooch
is as dry as a bone.

Is it hot in here?

As much as I like
having a girlfriend,

we have to get you laid...

Soon.

Better go as slutty
as possible.

My specialty.

Girlfriend,
you got a hit already.

Oh, my!

Is he... Cute?

Depends.

Do you like mustaches?

This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.

More cocktail syrup for
your shrimp scampi pancakes?

No, we're finished, honey.

I've recently
reentered the dating scene.

And I've been making up
for lost time,

If you know what I mean.

You must be a real stud.

You can be the judge of that.

I'm gonna kill Leonard.

Good morning, ma'am.

Hey, here's the steel wool
you wanted.

They say people
don't change,

That we're dominated
by our genetic code.

Mine.

But you can't hide
from your faults forever.

Presto change-o.

It's probably best
to just try to be

the best versions of
ourselves that we can...

Applebee's, here we come.

And away we go.

And not to dwell on
the versions of ourselves...

We'd like to forget.

Listen, Lilly,

Leonard told me
this was you.

Let it go, Grimes.

I got to say this once.
Then I'll go.

If you ever find yourself
in that situation again,

For whatever reason,
I'm here for you.

You know where to find me:

Long John Silver's,

corner booth.