Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 7 - Kong of Queens - full transcript

As Mark struggles to find employment for a giant ape with OCD, Callie tries to resist Twayne's advances at a Demon Convention in Atlantic City.

They say cleanliness
is next to godliness.

But it seems to me God
might not be the neat freak

Everyone thinks he is,

Because a lot of
what goes on down here

Is pretty messed up.

Get your hands off her,
you damn dirty ape!

Use your inside voice!

It's not me that's dirty.

It's the dang spire.

Hi, excuse me, miss.

Could I please borrow your rag
and spray bottle?

Knock yourself out.

There we are.

A shiny spire and gargoyles
you could eat off of.

All right, boys.

We'll get him on the ground.

But before we do, let's
give the people a show.

Morning, everyone.

Hope you all
had a good weekend.

I know Grimes did.

He spent the whole time
monkeying around.

I said, "monkeying around."

I think he's referring
to the fact

That I risked my life
arresting a giant ape.

It's called
an opening joke.

I had no idea.

Was I the only one here?

I was completely lost.

Curse my wretched delivery.

That joke should have killed.

Ops, my bad.

Broken eye socket.

So hot.

I've never smelled my ear
so clearly.

Okay, quick announcement.

Due to a budget adjustment,

We're temporarily shutting down
our social services department.


This has nothing to do
with not laughing at my joke.

And so after today,

All services will be
shut down temporarily.

Oh, no!


I'm sensing some
panic in the room,

And that's natural.

But you are ready for this.

You had me convinced
you really cared.

I feel like such a fool!

Do you feel like big man now?

Just try to hang in there,

And we'll pick back up
when the new budget kicks in.

Yes, Kong?

I was hired to clean
the empire state building,

And that's all I was doing.

When can I get my job back?

You know kongs are not allowed
above the 40th floor

Of any building.

Your supervisor said
he made that very clear.

I need to clean...



Fair enough.

Listen, everyone,
message received.

You're all emotional disasters.

It feels good to be heard.

The department
may have abandoned you,

But I will not.

Kong, I'll talk to my boss,
see what I can do.

I'm so sorry.
You got a little...

Hold still. Hold still.
There we go.

Any other questions?


When are you gonna wrap this up

So I can toss you
out of the building?

Come on, Grimes.

Are the blindfolds
really necessary?

Do I tell you
how to do your job?

Don't sweat it, Mark.

A little r&r might be
just what the doctor ordered.

Whoa, you are already drunk.

I just lost my job,
and I live at the ymca.

Get off my back, mother.

Would you mind
violently tossing me out

On the upper west side,

Not a problem.

I'll send you a hologram.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

All those people left
out in the cold like that.

It really sends a chill
up my spine.

I had a dream
that I slept with Twayne

At the demon convention
this weekend

And it brought about
the end of days.

Did you hear anything
I just said?

I can't believe
how little you care.

I can't believe you have no
concern about me and Twayne.

And I can't believe
it's not butter.

What are you doing
in my bedroom

With a tub of margarine?

Oh, I masturbate in
here on Fridays.

Speaking of which, when
are you gonna clear out?

There's my ride.


It's good that we can
confide in each other.


Good... good talk.

Oh, looks like
I'm free and clear.

Hey, maybe you and I
could hang out today

When you're done.



I need my space.

Having you out of the house
every day is why we work.

Come on.

You can show me
how the other half lives

Or not lives,
'cause...'cause you're dead.


But we better get a move on.

This day isn't gonna
waste itself.

Yeah, you're right.

It's got a good snap
but too much recoil.

Hey, do you do hand jobs?

I never knew you worked
as a handyman.

I apprenticed
under a master peephole-ist.

That ought to do it.

Whoa, whoa, franco.

Keep your hat on
till we're gone.

I didn't think
you were a dog person.

Well, I'm not a
dog person, per se.

Then why are you doing this?

Look how cute you are!

Rub your fur on my face!

I want to have sex
with these women.

I got it.

You've done
more interesting things

Before lunch
than I've done in a month.

I like to think of life
as a permanent stay-cation.

Hey, look.

A lucky Penny.

Yo, Sandra Bullock,

I think this is my stop.

Can this be any worse?


I'm sorry.

There's really nothing
we can do for you.

But I don't have anything
below the waist.

No insurance,
no service.

The only way we
could see him now

Is if it's an emergency.


You don't consider
this an emergency?

No, I don't.

Those are emergencies.

Everyone else
is following the rules.

Either you can do the same,
or I can call security.


My model trains
don't pay for themselves.

We will not be spoken to
in this fashion, madam.

I bid you good day.

Now if you would be so kind
as to wipe me off the counter.


I have something
to confess to you.

Look, they have orangina.

Seems weird in a limo, right?

Put down the orangina
for a moment.

I've put off telling you this
for a long time.

I am head over heels...

Afraid of giving
my speech tomorrow.


Odd phrasing.


That's what I'm talking about.

But you speak in front

Of the people at work
all the time.

Well, that's different.

I have no respect for them.

Have you written
your speech?


I thought I'd start off
with a joke.

That's great.
Let's try it on the driver.

Oh, driver.

We're trying a joke out
on you, okay?

I'm laughing already.

What's the difference
between a demonic council

And a room full of chickens
with their heads cut off?

I don't know.

The chickens
have far superior

Midto upper-level
management skills.

I should really probably
watch the road.

Damn that joke and all who had
the misfortune of hearing it!

My driving arms!

Oh, my!

Fresh-cut limbs,

Just like daddy
used to sever.


How's it going?

Oh, I'm at a cannery
in Alaska.

They gave me a free bunk.

All I have to do
is gut the tuna.

Man, you really get around,
don't you?

I go with the wind, Mark,

The rotten,
tuna-scented wind.

God, that stinks.

What are you doing?

I write a freelance
advice column

For transgendered mommies
in South America.

Most of the questions
are just about moisture.

Speaking of which, could
you drain my bag for me?

Randall, I think we're gonna
clog the drain.

It's cool.

Virtually nothing
about this is cool.

I nearly broke my neck

Slipping on your snail trail
twice already.

Oh, I'm sorry, dude.

Here, sit down and pee

While I go call
a wah-mbulance for you.

Look, we really need
to do something about this,

Like, today.


I know a guy that can help.

I'm not here right now,

So leave a message
at the scream.

Straight to voice mail.

Dude, stop obsessing
on Callie.

You know what they say.

If you love someone,

Stop bringing up your
whore girlfriend all the time.

There's my girl.


What's up, broseph?

Oh, Kong! Hi.

Just calling for a stat
repo on the work situ.

I don't know
what you're saying.

I'm climbing the walls
here, Mark.

Deep breaths, now, Kong.

You're not alone.

Now, do you have a swiffer?

Squirt it for me.

Let me hear it.

I want you to clean
your apartment.

Clean it real good.

I'll take care of the situation
as soon as I'm done here.

Knock, knock.

- Who's there?
- "Q."

"Q" who?

Don't cry.

It's just me,
fiscal quarter one.

Is that your opening joke?

I'm screwed, aren't I?

Perhaps if you focus more
on the actual speech.

What have you got so far?

Just some random thoughts,
you know, really rough.

the creature-to-human ratio,

Bring about the end of days,

You complete me.

I'm sorry.

What was that last one?

"You completely," right?

I focus on speech.

"I focus on speech"?

Way to go, Twayne.

I cannot believe I'm thinking
of sleeping with this guy.

Let him suffer.

Your tibia is basically
ground into paste.

We're gonna have to rebuild it
out of coarse aggregate.

The femur ain't looking
too hot either.

The ball and socket's
basically gone.

We're gonna need
to order some parts.

What's the
E.T.A. on this?

No way I can get him
fixed before Monday.

Chet, this is bull[bleep].

I helped you move.
Fix me now!

Come on! There's got to be
something you can do.

I could give him a loaner.

It's not gonna be
a perfect match, though.

Stay away from that.

I will cut you!

Leonard, what's going on?

I'm in a man's hotel,

And I'm addicted
to spray paint.

That is all you need to know!


Hey, Mark.

The great brain here.

Wanted to keep you
in the loop.

Half of martin
nearly o.D.'d,

Koala man's been recruited
by al-qaeda,

And that guy
with a tree for a head

Set himself on fire

And is only 40% contained.

How are things on your end?

Better than that.

On the day I'm hosting

The biggest virgin sacrifice
in the history

Of the fifth circle of hell,

You go and scratch
my coffee table?

I'm sorry, ma'am.

It won't happen again.

Yeah, I'm supposed
to torment you, consuela,

Not the other way around.

Yes, ma'am.


What are you doing

In those underwear?

There's no sense
in fighting it, Callie.

It's written in the flesh.

I'm disgusted,
but I can't look away.

Is this destiny or pity?

I'm good with either.

Be gentle.

It's my first time.

Please shut up.

I hope laurie's
sacrificial ceremony

Goes better
than her birthday party.

Whenever I see her
driving around in that 5 series,

I feel embarrassed.

Thank satan.

What do you think
of the turtle pond, buddy?

What can I say?

Man does nice work.

There you are.
Thank God.

Callie, I need you...

Will you stop doing that,

I need you too.

You date a demon,
but this is what creeps you out?

Don't turn away.
Look at it!

Deal with this now.

Sorry about that.

Callie, I need you

To sign Kong's
work release papers.

Well, I'm thinking
about sleeping with Twayne.

That's hideous.

But I might have you beat.

Listen, if you
have any interest

In saving the human race,

You may want to...

Get your ass
down here right now!

So after check-in,
my seminar is over there?

That's right, sir.

Now, please lower your arm.

I'm talking about a
solid three inches, bro.

Gary, Zazibos,
how are your genitals?

Hey, Twayne.

I can't wait
for that keynote.

To be over.
You know?


He thought we were serious,
but we were in jest.


This is gonna
be a disaster.

You'll be fine.

Wow, you are
sweaty all over.

I know.

I have to calm down.

Blow on me, okay?

I'm gonna
go wash my hand.

What do you mean,
"never mind"?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
crisis averted.

Twayne totally losered himself
out of my pants.

I just spent two hours
in Randall's van

Listening to his summer breeze
mix tape.

This will only take
a minute of your time.

I'm sorry.

They don't allow humans
in the convention.

Maybe I'll sneak you
into my hotel room later

Through the fire exit.

Gee, thanks.

Or maybe I'll find
someone else instead.

Oh, come on!

Can you believe this?

This is schizophrenic
even by her standards.

Right, dude.
That's what you like about her.

Just forget about Callie
and enjoy your day off.

Oh, well, that's just a lack
of professionalism.

Is there anyone out there

That takes their job
seriously anymore?

I forgot about Kong again.


You spilled soda on the rug.

If you dab,
it'll come right out.

It just has to.

Mark, thank God you called.

I've cleaned every inch
of my apartment.

I even alphabetized
my entire kitchen.

I tried to wash dirt,
but that just made mud,

And then I stained my sheets
with soap.

Soap, Mark.

How do you clean soap?
It's the endgame.

I assure you, I'm doing
everything I possibly can.

Is that calypso music?

Yeah, I'm sure
you're on it.

Don't be like that, Kong.

I'm a man of my word.

You're a dirty, dirty liar.

I'm so sorry.

All right, that does it.

This madness must stop.

You know, you were more gentle
with me when I had lady parts.

It's just straight from
the seventh circle of hell.

We've got sickles.

Leonard, really not
a great time for a chat.

Where are you now?

Da Nang, Mark.

They worship me
like a God here.

Prepare for the slaughtering!

Wow, we're not even
through the weekend yet.

Yeah, turns out
I really need structure.

I am working on it.

What's the holdup?

Bone raper was supposed to start
ten minutes ago.

Let's hit the strip club
when this is over.

I think one of those dancers
likes me.

Callie, you have
to get me out of this.

These charts are all wrong.

I can't read
my own handwriting.

I felt like I had
to take a dump,

But nothing came out.

Demon up, Twayne.

You're a bone
raper, damn it!

Now, pull yourself
together, get out there,

And do what you've got to do.

Callie, thank you.

I want you to have this.

One manlike entity
with a spine:

Is that too much to ask?

Thank you all for coming.

My boss, Twayne,
couldn't be here tonight.

See, he ate a baby...

I don't understand.

Sounds delicious.

That was smothered
in bad oysters.

Got it.
Now I understand.

How are we at the
department of integration

Doing our part to bring
about the end of days?

That's the question.
Isn't it?

Yeah, and I got the answer.
In my pants!

The first thing we did was
eliminate dental coverage

From the health plan.

I'd like to eliminate
your dental coverage.

Know your limits, gary.

So what's the difference
between a demonic council

And a room full of chickens
with their heads cut off?



I will not
stand idly by

While we turn our backs

On the creatures who so
desperately need our help.

What are you all looking at?
I fought for my country.

I hope you're all enjoying
your fancy convention

With your swag

And your shrimp cocktails

And whatever that is
you're eating up front.

It's hummus.

But I have a Kong
with ocd

Who desperately needs
to get back to work.

The american dream
is alive and well

In Kong's giant messed-up head.

And so I stand before you,

Inspired by his obsession,
to ask,

Nay, demand,

That you sign
his work release papers.

I'd be more than happy to.

This is a perfect example
of how our program works.

If we can get bleeding-heart
vaginas like Mark Lilly

To buy into our program,

We will increase
the creature-to-human ratio,

Assuring us all of a diminishing
human population

And the end of days
for mankind.

I'd love to read
that business plan.

I'd love to read
your vagina.

No, gary,
we're past that.

My business plan,

Yeah, wipe out the humans.

Oh, except Mark.

They're dead.

My favorite.

I'm sorry I don't care
about your students.

And I'm sorry I,

Don't really have anything
to apologize for.

Well, how about
for not being

More possessive
and unreasonable?

Sure, no problem.

I'm glad we're together.

We all like to complain
about our jobs,

But some of us would go crazy
without them.

And a good morning
to you, sir.

For others,
work isn't something you do.

It's something
you have done.

The gun
really isn't necessary.

Is your stupid face

But for me,

It's about teaching new
citizens that in America,

We're all equal,

No matter how ugly.

* Come slither up, creatures,
from under your stone *

* to join New York's menagerie
of species unknown *

* Well, you better conform *

* or we'll drag
in your bones *

* to the department
of integration. *