Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 6 - So You Want to Be a Vampire? - full transcript

As the city contends with a bizarre epidemic, Mark counsels a young woman who wants to become a vampire.

You know what's a huge decision?

Having a baby.

Give me your soul.

Let's just do this before
we change our minds.

It's the one I call
the game changer,

when two people
who used to have fun together

ripping each other's throats out.

Drop that baby!

You're under arrest.

You think you can waltz into my city

and sell some stolen baby?

No, officer.

You got it all wrong.
I'm no thief. I'm the daddy over here.

- = Ugly A Team = -

One of the major arguments for
dating a girl who's dead wrong for you.

Virtually no temptation
to ever make that fatal decision.

It's time to take our relationship
to a new level.

- Dear God!
- There's something I want to show you.

- What is that?
- It's my three hole.

How did I not notice that before?

It just opened up.

Opened up?

It changes color?

I can make it blink too.

It also does this.

You think it's ugly.

It's just a lot of new information,

Dude, pound that.

It's not what you think.

I was watching you guys have sex.

You can kiss this three hole,
good-bye, Mark Lilly.

Don't make it weird.

Dude, you got a sweet piece.

Is that...
that's a boom mic.

So if you could project a little more,
that would be great.

Let's start again from the top.
Callie, come in here, please.

Fill my hole no problem.

Clearly, your honor, this lowlife

stole someone else's child
to sell on the black market.

Aren't you the defense lawyer?

Right. Sorry.

Totally hopped up on sudafed pm,
right now.

Let's start again.
Clearly this lowlife is the real father.

Paperwork checks out.

Seems dirty to me.

You want dirty?

Callie asked me to put it
in her three hole, this morning.

She must trust you.

That's what they call
a "Dirty Houdini."

Let's be careful down there.

Ratso Demon, please rise.

It's pronounced "Enrico," ma'am.

You are here by ordered to return
Bob and Maxine Lane their souls.


30-day grace period
upon making any deals

with said devil
or any devil-like entities.

Furthermore, you are to attend DOI
proper parenting classes

until such time
as our esteemed instructors

deem you a fit parent.

- She's looking at us.
- Hilarious.

Bailiff, return his baby.

Yay, me.

Gootchie, gootchie, goo.

I'm pretty sure those are the feet.

I know that.

Today we need to talk
about parenting in the USA.

What the hell do you know
about parenting?

What are you, ten?

Fair question.
I know that parents should...

never shake a baby.

So there's that.

It also says you never steal
demon babies

and sell them on the black market.

Why do you look at me?

I just happened to notice
the price scanner you're holding.

Don't be a pussy, Mark.
He is a lying ass. Look at the tell.

- Jiggly knee.
- That's the one!

Confession time.

I don't think this is your baby,

How's come?

You really don't strike me
as a father. What does it eat?

Baby things.

Poker chips, grass,

Energy drinks.

What's its name?

Choking victim.

Where's the baby?

Let me ask the questions, here.

No, stupid.
The baby is missing.

What do you know about that?

My God!

Somebody get this baby off my face.

Sir, you're gonna need to try
to relax your face muscles.

I know it's counterintuitive.

What's up?

I'm afraid you've left me no option.

I assume control over this baby

until said time that he can be placed
in a proper home.

I'm heartbroken over here.

Look, they got an OTB,
over there, over here.

Must he end every sentence that way?

What's the process
for the demon baby?

Same as hazardous waste.

Contain him overnight in a steel cage
until UPS arrives in the morning.

But there's an orphanage
right across the street.

I could walk him over there myself.

Six of one...

Little fella. How'd you like to get
a little fresh air?

How could I resist that?

No legs is not my problem.

You stand up
for the pledge of allegiance.

My God!
Is that a demon baby?

Thought I'd show him a good time
before I took him to child services.

The orphanage?


really burns, quite a bit.

My dark lord.

Did your boobs just grow
when you touched the baby?

Are you sure? I could have sworn...
There, it happened again.

- Stop staring at my boobs.
- I can't...

so I'll go.

you appear to be lactating fire.

We can't cancel health benefits
for employee spouses

but we can encourage divorce.

That is gonna be an issue.

You're doing so great,.
Just a little more.

My God!
This is really happening.

In the day, she wear dress.
Now, she naked.

Somebody shut that guy up.


Just push. Push.

For God's sake!
I'm in heat.

Monday, Monday.

That's four shirts today.

Get that baby out of your mouth.

We're gonna leave that for now.


Demons, the bane of my existence.

A baby.
Hell, yes!

- I love these things.
- I must say,

not the reaction I was expecting.

Are you kidding me?
These things are total scush bait.

For some reason,
women can't resist these shriek bags.

Do I still have time for happy hour?

I shouldbe getting him
over to the orphanage.

One drink won't kill him.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

- He got your nose.
- It was coming off anyway.

You see, Mr. Bone raper,

When a demon woman goes into heat,

the demon man, that being you,
smells her pheromones,


Go on.

He grows a massive mating bone.

I don't really feel comfortable
having "the chat" with my boss.

Help me understand.

So many icky, confusing feelings
I have inside.

Am I normal?

Of course you're normal.

It's just that if you were in hell,
you'd be looking

to disembowel your chief rival.

Then would come a battle to the death
with your mating partner.

Finally, assuming you were victorious,
you would then get to eat the baby.


Don't pick at it.

He looks like
he may be wearing down.

I should get him
over to the orphanage.

Is this the baby
buying rounds on my tab, again?

No, he's done.

It's from the knockout
at the end of the bar.

All right, go ahead, buddy.
I got the baby. Put the pool cue down!

I probably shouldn't.
Callie might get mad.

She broke up with you again
over that three hole thing?

I guess, yeah.


Why are we still talking?

Hi, there.

I cannot believe
you accepted that drink.

Wait a minute.
You can shape-shift?

Don't change the subject.

You like brunettes, is that it?
Brunette humans.

Look, clearly you have something
on your mind.

Why don't you say it?

Seeing you with the baby
stirred up some confusing emotions.

I was trying to be
what I thought you wanted.

Did you know that being around
that demon baby made me lactate fire?

I think I may be in love with you.
How can you be so cruel to me?

You are just like my lacrosse coach.

You know what?
Forget everything I just said.

Your baby just racked up
an 800 dollars bar tab.

Home safe.

Little fella,

I guess this is it.

We had some laughs,
a couple of near-death experiences.

I hope I showed you
a little fun out there.

is the hardest word, so...

So you and Callie...

What's the deal?

You guys an item?

Because her facebook status
says single.

Dude, if you took her off my hands,

I'd consider it a favor, so...

Knock yourself out

With whatever that thing is
growing out of your sternum.

She hasn't given herself to me yet.
Any clue as to why?

It's just that...

You're sort of a dick.


And I think Callie likes me

because I'm not a dick so much.

You're fired! Wait.

I have a better idea.

Teach me to be nice.

You could start with this...

wall of hands.

I want one so bad.

- Thanks for taking the time to do this.
- You threatened to remove my liver.

I know.

Time for your first lesson.
Let's pretend we're on a date.

You're you, I'll be Callie.

Two delicious knishes.

Would you like
mustard on your knish?

No, thanks.
I don't like mustard.

Are you f****** kidding me?
Everybody likes mustard!

Suck that, you pile of filth!

- Too much passion.
- That's exactly it, too much passion.

Let's keep at it.


Okay, plan "C."

You know how to rollerblade?

Mom, you know I never wanted kids.

But I saw this demon baby,
and now all I can think about

is squeezing one out of my skull.

You're in heat, dear.

This is perfectly natural
for a succubus your age.

Why didn't things work out
with you and daddy?

Well, it was a more confusing time
back then.

Being drugged by a cult and forcibly
impregnated by the devil

wasfrowned upon.

But you know what?

I wouldn't change a thing.

Why didn't you have
any more kids after me?

- Were you afraid they'd be demons too?
- For heaven's sake.

Honestly, being half human, half demon
has caused me a lot of problems.

I made a deal with the devil.

I got you,
and I'm very happy about that.

That said,
adoption's not a bad idea.

You are so hideous.

Who's the spawn of satan?

No, you are.

- Fifth floor. I told you.
- Nailed it, friend.

Pretty cute, huh?

I would love to eat
that little baby.

Again, a real mood killer.

And this must be Mr. Maggotbone.

There is no Mr. Maggotbone.

Bone raper.

Twayne the bone raper.

- Of the connecticut bone rapers.
- One and the same.

Such a proud name
with a proud history.

You must be proud.

- Anyway, you're not getting the kid.
- Why?

Because you'd be
a single mother, dear.

That is totally sexist.

It's for your own safety, trust me.

Once these babies start to molt,
you'll need two demon parents

with proven upper-body strength.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?



Who needs charm
when you got 'em by the short hairs?

What you doing?

Making a plus-minus list
for marrying Twayne.


Minuses, I've got unending misery,

repulsion, sexless boredom,

the whole barbed penis thing.

- It goes on.
- Pluses?

Get baby and...

bring about the end of days.

End of days.
That's a plus?

Not for you.
More of a gray area for demons.

Anyway, I'm marrying Twayne.


- That's insanity.
- Are you jealous?

No, I just thought he disgusted you.

He does,

with his barbell nipple rings.
Who does that?

Probably not the best idea
to marry someone who disgusts you.

I want that baby, Mark.

Besides, it's always been inevitable
that I'd end up with Twayne.

It's what daddy wants.

The last part, read that back to me.

"In conclusion,
both parties consent to...

marriage as required by state law
for proper demon adoption."

Sounds good.
What do you think?

I'd like a paragraph confirming
this be a loveless marriage.

As long as I get to watch you undress
at home on my surveillance system.


I'll draft and have it on your desk.

Might as well cc yourself.

Of course.

Good stuff.

That is very strong.

You have great hands.

How much extra for a happy...

Good to see you there in my doorway.

How can I help you?

Wondering if you had made any headway
on tracking down that birth parent,

- I was looking for.
- Been at it nonstop since wespoke.

Google says Woodlawn cemetery.

That's not it. Woodlawn cemetery
is what you said, like, three hours ago.

- Come on, man! You're a wizard.
- All right.

Do you have a tooth or a lock of hair
that belonged to the baby?

Wait. There's some baby spit-up
on this shirt

that I've been wearing
for six straight days.

That's a stretch,

but it just might work.

There's you and me,

Looking handsome
and very well groomed.

And that must be a house,

His parents' house.
Hang on.

We need to get closer.

Wait, this is that same crap information
you got off google maps.

Snazzier with the whole vision thing,
though, isn't it?

I don't have enough juice
for the both of us.

Sorry, kid. You're on your own.

Stupid Google.

Stupid stock options never pan out.

Terrible search engine.
Might as well have


At least I tried, right?

Am I imagining things,
or is this kid, like,

three times bigger thanat the bar?
He's ready for maury povich.

Good thing the adoption's going through.
You can't place these suckers

once they transform.

Speak of the devil.

What the hell is going on?


It looks like a vagina eating itself.
You don't often see that for free.

You've got to be kidding me!

Do you have anything to say

before we make this marriage legal?

Let's get this over with?

Stop the marriage.

You're here to fight Twayne to the death
and whisk me away.

Let's do this!

Not at all, actually.

Wait, I can still do some whisking.

Come with me.
There's something I want to show you.

What am I supposed to do about this?

We've got a problem,

and I'm afraid
you're not gonna like the solution.

A magic spell?

Yes, that.

No denying the family resemblance.

Who do I got to *****
to get a fresh diaperhere?

Yo, baby, wipe your own ass.

I don't understand. Why were you trying
to sell the baby If you're the real dad?

I mean, sure, yeah,
I tried to sell the baby,

only 'cause I was scared
of being a single dad over here.

He loves me like a father over here.

Plus, I was afraid to eat it.

But not no more.

You're like a little me
with a smaller ****.

I don't know about that.

I'm having a lot of fun over here.

Me too over here.

I love you, choking victim.

I love you too, daddy.

They are cute together.

I had to admit it.

Watching that dad having such a good
time with his little boy...

made me feel super bad
about having, like,

no interest whatsoever
in having kids.


hot pokers in my eyes
sounded more appealing.

- Did you just conjure me?
- No, but come in.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I guess

my urge to spawn soldiers
for satan's dark army

made me lose perspective.

You don't need to feel bad about it.

It was actually

kind of nice to see
your softer side.

I'll show you my softer side.

Maybe you could make it blink,
like Christmas lights?

I can definitely do that.

Yeah, baby, show you right.

Work that threehole.

There's bone dust everywhere.

It's got to come off.

It'll get infected.

So painful.

I think he's still conscious.
Should I hit him with more ether?

No, I can probably get it from here.

Just hold him down.

This is going to smart.

- Twayne, just blink if it hurts, buddy.
- Can't... Blink.