Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 5 - Treegasm - full transcript

Everyone likes to
romanticize young love.

Chloe, your eyes are so pretty.

I love the way they distract
from your uneven teeth.

Oh, Scott!

The way you undermine
my self confidence is so sexy.

But usually young love
isn't romantic at all.

Usually it's completely
terrifying.

Baby, it's a little soon
for second base.

But I'm still on first.

Hey, do you mind?
So sorry.

Didn't see your supple
breasts there.



Neil, this has to stop
after we're married.

I don't mind it a
little rough sometimes,

but is it necessary to take
actual chunks out of me?

Just be grateful I didn't bring
my pitchfork.

You do not want to
know where that has been.

Finished.

Your flesh wounds
are getting me hot.

Ready to go again?

It's been three times tonight.

Oh, come on. You wouldn't dress
that way if you didn't want it.

I'm naked because
you burned off my clothes.

I will take what's mine!

Tourists from all over the world

Are pouring into the city
for Treegasm,



The once-in-a-generation
mating festival

For the Central Park
tree creatures,

Or "treetures."

Yeesh.
Again with this Treegasm thing?

Seriously, who cares?

How dare you?

Treegasm is a sacred day.

It combines the beauty of nature

With the filth of pornography.

This city...if it's not Portorican Day,
it's some tree thing.

Change it.
Fine.

Treegasm. A retrospective.

Oh, come on.

Treetures, one of the most
majestic species on the planet.

In a process
that spans decades,

The male grows slowly towards
his female counterpart.

Finally they permanently merge

In a ritual known commonly
as screwing.

Dude, can you believe
this is basic cable?

Give me this.

The last Treegasm in 1969

Became an era-defining
phenomenon.

Good lord.

How do they not start a fire?

She was faking it.

But oft-forgotten in the in melee
surrounding Treegasm

Is the potentially
cataclysmic...

Our around-the-clock
Treegasm coverage continues

With a performance
from Lil Wayne

Brought to you by Pfizer.

This is a circus.

I guess it has got kind of corporate.

He's singing about the simple
beauty of two trees humping.

Leonard, can you pass me
an l6 form?

Two minutes, mark.

They put top wizard online.

You call this a potion?

More like "snore-cery."

Snap.

Yeesh.
I'll get it myself.

Twayne's office, five minutes.

Oh, and, Mark,

can I speak with you privately?

I don't know what it is,

But Callie has been
really hormonal lately.

Well, lady demons' bodies
are so toxic, mark,

They periodically shed them
for a new one.

Sex is the only thing
that can alleviate

Her painful mortal shedding.

As in pms?

Hey, that could catch on.

Just keep her satisfied,

And you can probably avoid
a violent death.

Thanks for the heads-up.

Ah, human weakling,

Drunken wizard,
here's the dealio.

I was recently appointed
to head up Treegasm.

Oh, God!
Not you too.

Since I'll need to look my best,

I'm spending the next four days

Getting fitted
for a triple-breasted suit.

I'm leaving the rest to you.
Why us?

It's called delegating.

Please run any other form
to corporate and cc me in triplicate.

I'm on my new palm pilot.

Sony multiplex.
Theater 12.

Terminal love.

We're still in previews.
I need a wingman.

You're at a chick flick
at 11:00 in the morning.

It's when the most desperate
ones come out.

Ugh, I'm going
to the next theater.

Ah, I think
I'm gonna hang back.

Karen, he's disgusting.

Karen can make
her own decisions.

Oh.

Man up, little buddy.
We're going in.

Let's make it rain.

I can't believe we got
conned into this.

What is so special about
trees losing their virginity?

I'm sure it'll be more
romantic than my first time.

Oi, Leonard. Put your sword
in me stone.

I really wish
they had condoms back then.

It was another 300 years
until penicillin.

Hi, there. Neil, Nikki,
I'm Mark.

I'll be your screwing
coordinator this weekend.

You excited for the big day?

I've been dreaming of
this ever since I was a shrub.

I still remember the day
my parents told me about the arrangement

We chose Neil because he's the only
tree around.

You know, it is refreshing,

To see two youngsters so committed
to each other, especially in this city.

What do you mean?

Well that's people come here to saw those weirdos

Have freaky sex with strangers
they don't even know.

You can do that?

Mark, I'm sure you have
other work to do.

No, what I mean is,

You're lucky to have your
soul mate right next to you.

A lot of people spend their youth

Just having sex with strangers,

Doing recreational drugs
they don't really get addicted to.

But still have kind of
a lot of fun doing...

And then have sex with the
people they do those drugs with

And then go out to clubs
and meet their friends

And, you know,
have sex with them.

And at a certain point
you're like, "why?"

Those are things?

Hey, enough talk, Livy.

I have at least 5 holes that need
to be filled pronto.

Or else.

You see what I'm talking about?

I have to go have sex with her,

Right now.

Be grateful you don't have
to deal with that.

So, listen up, people,

For reasons I won't get into,

I thought it would be a good day
to talk about safe sex.

Um, if you have a friend
who doesn't have genitals,

Does he have to participate?

Well, you can tell your "friend"

That it applies to everyone.

Sorry. You have to stay.

All sex is safe for me.

I just find a pile of eggs some girl left
behind and I fertilize it myself.

Oh, is bummer.

Actually, that's pretty common.

Amoebas also reproduce asexually.

Speak for yourself, bro.

I've canned more
tuna than chicken of the sea.

That is wicked funny, dude.

This guy's awesome.

Uh, just a second,
it's my roommate.

I'm at work, Randall,
this better be good.

It's not good at all, dude,
it's a tragedy.

My dick is missing.

Okay, okay.
Don't panic.

Did you make a list of everything
you did with your penis yesterday?

It's right here. Administered
genital waxing,

Attempted skinny jeans fitting,

Tight cut stream to penis at park,

Made penis watch Bride Wars.

Penis did not like that at all actually.

I imagine not.

Dropped cigar ashes on penis.

Dipped penis in ink
when I couldn't find a pen.

And hog-slammed that elephant lady
six ways from Sunday.

Wow, well...

It couldn't gone far, right?

I don't know, dude,
it got a set of balls on it.

Hold on. It's Leonard.

Neil did what?

Neil, why would you break up with Nikki?
I don't understand.

All my life I was told that
merging with Nikki was my only option.

But you've opened my eyes, Mark.

There are plenty of other fish
in the sea.

I just learned that phrase.

Man whore.

You're killing us, Neilendo.

We think you should reconsider, Neil.

It would take you at least
a decade to grow five feet away.

Have you guys ever googled sex?

There are literally dozens of websites
about it.

But... But I've always been there
for you.

You're safe and predictable.

I want someone crazy and freaky.

Like that pink one
yore safe over there..

Oh, good luck with that.

Considering you can't move...

Neil, this is absurd.

Don't hate the player.

Well, he's clearly nuts, but he's an adult.

He can make his own decisions.

Ah, Mark, there's something
you should know

About Treegasm.

It's even lamer
than shark week?

Shark week
is a national treasure.

But there's a reason treetures are forced
to merge with each other.

Their roots run so deep,
they encompass all of Manhattan.

If Neil goes too long without release,

He could develop blue roots

That swell up
and endanger the whole city.

It's happened elsewhere:

London,

Tokyo,

Wichita.

You're telling me this ridiculous event
actually has a point?

They all do, Mark.

The gay pride parade
keeps the power grid running.

I did not know that.

This is way over our heads, Twayne.

If Treegasm goes wrong, it could
threaten the entire city.

Don't worry, Mark.
You're all over it.

Synergy.

Synergy. What does that even mean?

You know, vertical integration...

Send me a power point,

I'll diversify its portfolio,

And we'll expense it.

This is all you.

Karen, it's Randall.

Did I happen to leave anything
over there last night?

No, just a big sweaty pile of me.

Crap.

Night of the leaving dead?

No, it's my buddy Ray's
wedding video.

Anything to take
my mind off my junk.

I'm sorry, pal, if it's any consolation,

Callie is in a hormonal rage,

One of the treetures
has gone girl crazy,

And if I don't fix it, New York
could be destroyed.

Um, yeah, I hear that, man.

But let me ask you this,
did your dick fall off?

When did sex
get so life-threatening?

It used to be just me and a mildly
disappointed woman in my parents basement.

Yeah, nowadays it's crazy man, I mean...

One time, I thought I hooked up
with a robot.

Turns out I was just
[bleep] the toaster.

I mean, I got a million stories
like that, dude.

Hold that thought.

We're going out.

Also remind me
to buy a new toaster.

Hey, Mark.

I just read the game,

And I'm ready
to get my jiggy on.

I'm going to be juggling
so much trim.

How?
You can't move.

Oh, a nice chance, douche branch.

I'm peacocking.

Neil, I want you to meet
my roommate, Randall.

He's a fellow player.

Hey, buddy. So I hear you're ready
to play the field now.

Do you party, chief?

We should go work a club
together.

Oh, hell, yes, dude.
We're gonna rock ass.

But if we're gonna be partners, I should
probably tell you a little bit

about my sexual history.

You see, it all started
back in 1993

When I accidentally slept
on my arm

And invented the phantom spank.

You don't know
if it's a man or a woman.

And at some point,
you just don't care.

I'm what they call
an "ass whisperer."

It turns out, you don't want
to get donkey punched.

There was, like, blood
in my stool for, like, 12 days,

You know, and then it's not
so funny anymore.

I mean, I wouldn't say
I'm into ball torture, per se.

You know, I like
enhanced interrogation.

I always use
his giant gym sock.

Like, why else do you have
American apparel clothes

Except to mop up?

And that's how my crabs
got chlamydia.

Oh, and also, my dick
recently fell off.

I don't know how I forgot
that little chestnut.

I have heard things I cannot un-hear.

I didn't know sex can be so...

Filled with pus.

Yeah, well, keep in mind,
pus is, like, 80% of my body,

So it was no big deal to me.

Maybe I really am
a one-woman tree.

Nikki, will you please
forgive me?

Oh, Neilando, how could
I say no to that face?

Smack!

Callie?
You here?

Uh, good news.

I got Neil and Nikki
back together.

I'll take that as,
"I don't care"?

Oh, Mark.

Take your clothes off
and cure what ails me.

Okay, I'm just gonna dim
the lights down

Till maybe
they're completely off.

Well, that's it.

I've looked everywhere.

I guess I'd better get used
to life without a penis.

Man, having no penis
sucks dick.

Welcome back!

If you're just joining us,

Tune in earlier next time, jerks.

And also Treegasm has arrived.

For reaction, here are some of the
craziest new-yorkers we could find.

Gaia weeps at the majesty
of two glorious creatures

Coming together as one.

I just want to watch
these two trees [bleep].

Yeah!

We got to hang out more, bro.

Do you know Kevin?

Red hair?
He's a firefighter?

Stay asleep.

Sleepy sleep.
Stay asleep, sleep, sleep.

Hopefully that'll keep her satisfied
till she has this new body.

- Hello?
- Randall Scaffington?

This is officer Boyle
from the Port Authority police.

We found your penis.

Oh, thank God!
Where was it?

It was trying to board a bus to Buffalo
without a ticket.

Officer, I'll be right down.

I'm afraid
it's not that simple.

Wait... Wait, what's wrong?

- Is it hurt?
- No, sir, you see...

Your penis didn't fall off.

It ran away.

What?

I don't understand.

I thought everything
was fine with us.

I don't know exactly what you put him
through, but it must have been rough.

Put him on the phone

Right now.

My dick is such a dick.

We are now moments away
from Treegasm.

For coverage, we go to special
correspondent, Bob Sanchez.

Thank you, whatever your name is.

Behind me,
hoards of anxious lookie-loos

****

Flower companion, Nikki ****

This *** brought to you by Mountain Dew.

The official soft drink
of trees fornicating.

So thrace of the skull blood clan

Just got a new house at the Cape, so wife
and I are going up for the weekend.

Cape Cod is so 2007, Gary.

This year,
I'm summering in Dubai.

Oh, fellas.

There is someone
you have to meet.

This is my top lieutenant,
Callie Maggotbone.

Must find human sex slave.

Demon women:

Can't live with 'em, can't decapitate 'em
without the sceptral of Croll.

Am I right?

Neil, how you feeling, buddy?

This sure is a big crowd here.

I don't feel so good.

Let's just get this over with,

And we'll all feel
a lot better, okay?

Here comes celebrated actor
Al Pacino

To deliver the invocation.

Dear lord, please give
these two majestic creatures

The courage to fornicate
for our amusement.

Amen!

So much pressure!

Will you marry me?

Oh, my God!

You got this one, Neilbo.

Just pretend no one else
is around.

That's a little
difficult, Mark.

Neil, I'm waiting.

We've got to hurry, mark.

His roots are so blue,
they're nearly purple.

The entire park is collapsing.

Leonard, do you have
any spells for,

You know, male performance?

I'm over 400 years old.

How do you think
I still get it up?

Wha...

Incitus errectus viagras.

Oh...

It's happening.

Our safe word
is "arbor day."

Do us proud, Neil.

I really wish they
could get a room.

This is gonna be freaky.

We are approaching the final
wind climax of Treegasm.

Treegasm, brought to you
by Scotts lawn care.

I'm scared.

The shedding is at hand.

Bring your human loins to me.

Callie, not now.

I have to make sure
everything goes...

Oh, God!

Here I go!

Oh, God!
Here it comes!

Take cover!

Yes!

Well, it appears
that young Neil

Has suffered from
premature esapulation,

An anticlimactic climax

To this otherwise titillating
Treegasm.

Can I get a towel
or some waffles, please?

You know
who would have loved that?

My penis.

Penis?

Not so fast, hotshot.

He has some conditions.

"First, I am not a plaything.

"I'm a living appendage with
very sensitive nerve endings.

"Second, you must accept me
as an equal.

"There's no "I" in penis."

Uh, no, actually, there is.

But we'll have plenty of time
to work on its spelling.

Sign here and here and we'll have
ourselves an official genital transfer.

I promise I'm gonna make you
the happiest penis in the world.

I have a good feeling
about you two.

G we live in a society
obsessed with sex.

Some don't respond well to the pressure.

Decensitivus bam.

There you go, kid.

That will keep you from popping
like Orville Redenbacher.

My two pump stump is an evergreen
sex machine.

For certain people,

Sex takes the backseat
to their careers.

Right through Lincoln's face hole.

Damnit, Gary, I told you
not to give me your driver.

Don't tell me how to do my job, bro.

For many, sex is an addiction.

So you're a chick, right?

Dude, your advances
are not appreciated here.

Seriously, back off, huh?

Oh, come on!

At least I asked this time.

But for most of us,

Sex is just a way
to blow off steam.

I'll have a double shot
of deer blood on the rocks.

One Jagermeister coming up.

Look at you. A whole new person.

Any interest in you know,
coming back to my place?

Sorry, Mark, but after the things
you let me do to you this week,

You've lost a lot of my respect.

But when you're having sex
with the spawn of Satan,

Maybe it's best not to ask
too many questions.

Cucumber.