Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 4 - Blob Gets Job - full transcript
While staying with Randall's parents, Mark accidentally "outs" his roommate as a zombie; Leonard tries to identify a strange new creature.
[suspenseful music]
*
- [gasps]
[screams]
- IN A CITY OF 8 MILLION,
IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY
RETAINING YOUR IDENTITY.
- I'LL NEVER EAT JELL-O AGAIN!
- BUT WHEN YOU ALSO HAVE TROUBLE
RETAINING YOUR SHAPE..
[all gasp]
[all screaming]
- THAT'S WHEN THINGS
GET A LITTLE STICKY.
- STEADY, BOYS.
DON'T SHOOT TILL YOU SEE
THE WHITES OF ITS EYES.
- I DON'T THINK IT HAS ANY--
[screaming]
- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
pop!
- I DON'T KNOW, BUT YOU'D
BETTER HAND ME THAT TASER,
'CAUSE IT'S BREAKING THE LAW,
STARTING WITH...
[taser buzzing]
RESISTING ARREST...
[taser buzzing]
ROBBERY...
[taser buzzing]
MAIL FRAUD...
[taser buzzing]
AND KIDNAPPING TOO.
- OOH!
BETTER TACK ON SEXUAL HARASSMENT
JUST TO BE SAFE.
pop!
- RANDALL,
THE SINK'S CLOGGED AGAIN.
IF YOU'RE GONNA BE PULLING
YOUR EYEBROWS OFF,
PLEASE USE THE STRAINER.
[stammering]
[screaming]
OH, GROSS.
THERE'S ENOUGH HAIR HERE
FOR A '70s PORNO.
[knocks on door]
- [grunting]
- I'VE GOT TO GET IN THERE.
THEY'RE MAKING ME COME INTO WORK
ON MY DAY OFF.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
[laughs]
RANDALL?
WHA?
- [scoffs]
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
- WELL, IT WAS A CLOGGED SINK,
BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN
IN THE TOP FIVE ANYMORE.
WHO ARE YOU?
- I RENT AN APARTMENT
FOR THE WEEKEND.
YOU TALK TO THE ZOMBIE MAN,
OKAY?
- I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
RANDALL, HI.
WHY IS THERE A YETI
SITTING ON MY TOILET?
- YEAH, I DO THIS EVERY YEAR
FOR THE YETI CONVENTION,
JUST, LIKE, RENT MY ROOM OUT
AND STAY IN THE VAN,
AND NOW I'M LIVING LARGE.
- YOU'RE LIVING IN A VAN.
- WELL, MAN, I'M NOT GONNA
LIVE WITH A YETI.
- [sighs]
DID YOU USE MY RAZOR?
- MAIS OUI.
ZOMBIE MAN SAID UTILITIES
WERE INCLUDED.
- THAT'S NOT A UTILITY.
THAT'S--WOW!
THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS WEAR
SOME SHORTS AROUND HERE, MAN.
[toilet flushes]
- WELL, WELL,
LOOK WHO DECIDED TO SHOW UP.
- IT'S MY DAY OFF, TWAYNE.
I CLEARED THIS WITH YOU
MONTHS AGO.
- I THINK I WOULD HAVE
REMEMBERED THAT.
- I SENT AN EMAIL...
- NO.
- A MEMO...
- NO.
- A NOTARIZED LETTER.
- NO.
- THE STRIPPER-GRAM?
- NO.
- REALLY?
YOU DON'T REMEMBER
THE STRIPPER-GRAM?
- NO.
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
TRUTH IS,
WE ARE UNCOMFORTABLE
LEAVING THE DEPARTMENT
IN LEONARD'S HANDS.
THIS IS A SECURITY RECORDING
OF THE LAST TIME
LEONARD WAS IN CHARGE.
- NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
HE JUST SHOWED UP AND DEMANDED
TO SPEAK WITH NICOLE.
HUH?
I KNOW. I TOLD HIM THAT.
HOLD ON.
I THINK THIS IS HER.
HELLO, NICOLE?
OH, OH, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE.
YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I AM PAYING TOO MUCH
FOR HEALTH INSURANCE.
- [screams]
- OF COURSE I'LL HOLD.
- THAT GOES ON
FOR ANOTHER 20 MINUTES.
- FINE, I'LL GET HIM STARTED.
THEN I GO.
YOU KNOW,
YOU COULD ALWAYS HIRE BACK
THE REST OF THE DEPARTMENT.
- NEVER.
- SO WHAT IS YOUR COUNTRY
OF ORIGIN?
RIGHT.
WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD START
WITH THE EASY ONES.
LET'S SEE, MALE OR FEMALE?
"IF NOT APPLICABLE,
JUMP TO QUESTION 12.
"QUESTION 12, ARE YOU NOW
OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A MEMBER
OF THE ZOMBIE PARTY?"
WAIT, WHAT?
OH, I MUST HAVE GRABBED
THE WRONG APPLICATION.
THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
MAY I SPEAK WITH YOU PRIVATELY
FOR A MOMENT?
- IT DOESN'T APPEAR
TO HAVE ANY EARS, BUT SURE.
- THE TRUTH IS, I HAVEN'T PUT IN
A REAL DAY'S WORK
IN ABOUT THREE YEARS NOW.
- WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE FILES
BEFORE I ARRIVED?
- PRETTY MUCH JUST THREW THEM
OUT THIS WINDOW.
- WELL, LOOKIE THERE.
SO YOU DID.
BLOB. BLOB.
BLOB, BLOB, BLOB, BLOB, BLOB.
BLOB...HMM.
OKAY, FIRST THING WE NEED TO DO
IS FIGURE OUT
WHAT THE HELL IT IS.
DID YOU JUST GET BIGGER?
- [belches]
- [panting]
I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE IT ENDED
AND LEONARD BEGAN.
- ARE YOU OKAY?
- IS IT SHAMEFUL TO SAY
I LOVED IT?
- I GUESS
I SHOULD STICK AROUND.
- OH, NO, YOU GO AHEAD.
I'M WELL OVER 500 YEARS OLD.
I SHOULD BE ABLE
TO HANDLE THIS, RIGHT?
- GREAT.
YOU'VE GOT YOUR CLIPBOARD.
YOU'VE GOT YOUR POINTY HAT.
MY NUMBER'S ON THE FRIDGE
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.
YOU SURE YOU'LL BE OKAY?
- DO WIZARDS PISS
ON THEIR ROBES?
YES, WE DO.
WE FREQUENTLY PISS
ON OUR ROBES.
[muffled dance music]
*
- SO I SAID TO HER,
"LOOK, YOU KNEW I WAS ABOMINABLE
WHEN YOU MET ME."
- EXCUSE ME.
HI.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A BUZZ KILL,
BUT IF YOU ARE GOING
TO THROW A PARTY,
YOU NEED TO CHECK
WITH ME FIRST.
- DUDE, YOU HAVE THE FANCIEST
BATHROOM I'VE EVER SEEN.
SERIOUSLY, WHO PUTS
A QUEEN-SIZE BED
IN THEIR BATHROOM?
- THAT'S ACTUALLY MY BEDROOM.
- OH.
THEN I GUESS I JUST TOOK A DUMP
IN YOUR BEDROOM.
SORRY, MAN.
- YOU KNOW,
THIS ISN'T HALF BAD.
A LITTLE MOLESTER-Y.
- YEAH, BUT NOT IN A BAD WAY.
HEY, WHAT'S UP, CANKLES?
YOU EVER BEEN
IN A HUMAN-ZOMBIE THREE-WAY?
- [spits]
- YEAH, I BET YOU HAVE,
YOU SASSY CAT.
- HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU
THAT YOU PUSH TOO HARD?
- I LIKE TO THINK OF IT
AS COMMITMENT.
YOU'RE GONNA SPEND
YOUR WHOLE DAY OFF SLEEPING
WHEN WE CAN DO
WHATEVER WE WANT IN HERE?
- LIKE WHAT?
WE'RE IN A RUSTING AEROSTAR.
- WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
WE CAN PLAY SOME JOURNEY,
REENACT SILENCE OF THE LAMBS,
WHACK OFF.
- WAIT, WHAT WAS THE LAST ONE?
- I SAID WE COULD WHACK OFF.
- I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.
- OKAY, I WAS KEEPING THIS
AS A SURPRISE,
BUT YOU'RE IN LUCK, MY FRIEND,
BECAUSE I KNOW
OF A BIG BARBECUE BASH
THAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW
DOWN THE SHORE.
- ROAD TRIP. HUH.
- BEER, GIRLS, FOOD.
PLUS, WE NEED TO MOVE THE VAN
TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET
BY 5:00,
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- THIS ISN'T JUST
ANOTHER TRIP TO JERSEY, IS IT?
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS NEW JERSEY.
[horns honking]
- WHAT IS THE HOLDUP?
- AH, SOME ZOMBIE PROBABLY LOST
HIS HAND IN THE CHANGE BASKET.
ALL THESE JERSEY ZOMBIES
REALLY PISS ME OFF.
YO, JUST 'CAUSE I'M DEAD
DON'T MEAN MY TIME
AIN'T PRECIOUS!
- LOOK, BLOB,
I'M GONNA LEVEL WITH YOU.
I HAVEN'T ALWAYS HAD A LOT
OF SUCCESS WITH MY CASE FILES,
BUT YOU'VE GOT THE ONE THING
THEY DIDN'T HAVE,
A MOSTLY SOBER ME,
AND I DON'T PLAN ON FAILING YOU
LIKE I DID THE OTHERS.
ANY QUESTIONS BEFORE WE START?
pop!
OH, I'M SORRY.
I DON'T THINK OF YOU THAT WAY.
- [gurgles]
- FORTUNATELY, EVERY WIZARD
HAS A BOOK OF MAGIC TRICKS
UP HIS SLEEVE.
MINE JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE
COSMOPOLITAN.
- CAN I HELP YOU?
- YEAH, I'LL HAVE
THE ALL-AMERICAN.
- UH...TELL ME,
WHAT COMES IN THE STEW?
- NOT BRAINS.
- I SEE.
WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE TO--
- NO BRAIN SUBSTITUTIONS.
- VERY WELL.
THEN I WILL HAVE A CUP
OF YOUR FINEST BROTH, PLEASE.
- THAT WAS ODD.
- YEAH, YOU CAN'T GET
GOOD BRAINS
OUTSIDE THE CITY ANYWAY.
THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS CARRY
A ZOMBIE ZIPLOC.
- HOW CAN YOU PUT THAT
IN YOUR MOUTH?
- RANDALL FUN FACT:
I ONLY HAVE
TWO WORKING TASTE BUDS.
- MAN, THEY REALLY DO MOVE
SLOWER OUT HERE, DON'T THEY?
- YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.
THESE ZOMBIE TOWNIES STILL DO
THE WHOLE SLOW WALK THING.
- DIRTY LAKE-DRAGGER.
- HEY, THAT'S OUR WORD.
YOU DON'T GET TO CALL US THAT.
- I GUESS THERE IS STILL
A LOT OF PREJUDICE OUT HERE.
MUST BE HARD COMING BACK KNOWING
THAT'S ALL UNDER THE SURFACE.
- YEAH, IT WAS AT FIRST.
YOU KNOW, KEEPING IT A SECRET.
NOW IT'S WAY EASIER.
- YEAH.
YEAH, I BET.
[gunshot]
OH, MY GOD.
- YEAH, THEY STILL GET SHOT
OUT HERE.
IT SUCKS, BUT I GET IT.
JUST HEAR 'EM STUMBLE AROUND
GOING, "BRAINS."
[mumbling]
THEY CAN'T EVEN
SAY "BRAINS" RIGHT.
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
- WELL, IT'S JUST FOR SPORT,
YOU KNOW,
ZOMBIE TIPPING,
ZOMBIE HUNTING.
THERE'S "RIP THE ARM
OFF THE ZOMBIE,"
"PIN THE ARM
BACK ON THE ZOMBIE,"
"ZOMBIE SOCCER"--
THAT'S REALLY--
THEY JUST KICK YOU IN THE NUTS.
THAT'S NOT EVEN A GAME.
THERE'S SOMETHING CALLED "ZAPE,"
WHICH, BELIEVE ME,
YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW
WHAT THAT IS.
- [moaning]
[gunshot]
- UGH.
[upbeat hip-hop music]
*
- YOU KNOW, GIVING YOU
THE GIFT OF SPEECH
MIGHT TAKE
A FAR MORE GENIUS MIND
THAN EITHER OF OURS,
MY FRIEND.
LUCKILY, I'M CONNECTED.
SO YOU SEE, MR. HAWKING,
WE FIGURE ONLY SOMEONE
WITH YOUR SUPERIOR INTELLIGENCE
COULD FIND A WAY
FOR OUR BLOB HERE TO SPEAK.
ANY IDEAS?
- [computer voice] OF COURSE.
THE ANSWER IS QUITE SIMPLE,
REALLY.
A BASIC SOLUTION
OF POTASSIUM NITRATE
COMBINED WITH ORDINARY
HOUSEHOLD PRODUCTS
SUCH AS CHLORINE, SODIUM,
SUNNY D--
- MY VOICE BOX.
WAIT.
[shimmering tone]
- THAT GUY MAKES WALL-E
SOUND LIKE JOSH GROBAN.
[clears throat]
ALL RIGHT, BLOB.
LET'S SEE HOW YOU HANDLE
THIS BABY.
- [computer voice]
I'M NOT A GOOD TYPE...ASS.
- ASSUMING YOU MEANT "TYPIST,"
I THINK WE'RE OKAY.
ON TO PHASE TWO:
FIND THE JOB
THAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU.
- MOM, DAD, I'M HOME.
- THIS IS YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE BIG PARTY?
YOU SAID "GIRLS."
- NO, I SAID "GRILLS."
I CAN'T HELP WHAT YOU HEAR.
- RANDALL, DARLING,
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- MOM, MARK.
MARK, MOM.
ALL RIGHT, COME OUT
WHEN YOU'RE DONE.
- DONE WITH WHAT?
- HEY, DAD.
- TALK TO ME
DURING THE COMMERCIAL.
- ALWAYS DUCKING OUT
TO BE WITH HIS FRIENDS.
NOTHING EVER CHANGES.
MARK, SIT.
I'LL GET THE PHOTO ALBUM.
MAYBE WE COULD PULL ROGER
AWAY FROM HIS HISTORY CHANNEL!
- IT WAS THE '60s.
WOMEN WERE BURNING BRAS.
MEN WERE BURNING WOMEN,
AND STUDENTS PROTESTED
THE ZOMBIE-HUMAN CIVIL WAR.
[psychedelic rock music]
*
[all moaning]
[gunshot]
- [gulping]
[gunfire]
- MURDER THAT LEG-DRAGGER.
- [computer voice]
DO I HEAR 1,000?
1,000?
[phone ringing]
[shimmering tone]
- NEVER TRY THIS AT HOME, KID.
YELL-O.
- YO, LEONARD.
HOW'S IT SHAKING?
- MARK, WHAT A SURPRISE.
WHAT ARE YOU CALLING IN FOR?
- JUST HIDING IN THE BATHROOM
AT MY ROOMMATE'S PARENTS' HOUSE.
ANY LUCK WITH BLOB?
- I SET HIM UP WITH A VOICE BOX
AND PLACED HIM
AT THE GOVERNMENT AUCTION LOT.
- [computer voice] 300?
ANYONE? 300?
- I'VE GOT IT COMPLETELY
UNDER CONTROL.
- [computer voice] WHAT IS THIS,
A ROOM FULL OF JEWS?
- OH, SPOKE TO SOON.
LOOKS LIKE HE'S AN ANTI-SEMITE.
- HERE'S RANDALL
WHEN HE WAS JUST A BABY.
OH, LOOK AT HIS LITTLE HAT.
AND HERE HE IS
AT WEREWOLFS-BURG, VIRGINIA.
AND THIS IS A PIECE
OF HIS UMBILICAL CORD.
- HOW...NICE.
- YEAH, AND HERE HE IS
WEARING MY OLD ARMY HELMET.
- WAIT, YOU FOUGHT
IN THE ZOMBIE WAR OF '68?
- OF COURSE.
YOU WANT TO SEE
MY PRIZED POSSESSION?
ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?
YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY,
THE REST OF HIM GOT AWAY,
BUT I GOT HIS THUMB, YEP.
LET'S SEE THAT BASTARD
TRY TO REVIEW A MOVIE NOW.
- OH, ROGER,
IT'S JUST A THUMB.
- IRONIC, HUH?
YOU SPENT YOUR YOUTH
FIGHTING ZOMBIES,
AND THEN YOUR SON BECOMES ONE.
- ONE WHAT?
- NO, I'M SAYING IT'S ADMIRABLE
THAT YOU CAN LOVE RANDALL
THE WAY YOU DO
DESPITE HIS BEING A ZOMBIE.
[both gasp]
THIS WOULD BE
A GREAT TEACHABLE MOMENT
FOR ONE OF MY GROUP SESSIONS.
- HE'S SAYING
RANDALL'S A ZOMBIE?
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA GO SEE WHAT THAT
COLD SACK OF FLESH IS UP TO.
- WHAT THE HELL
WAS THAT BACK THERE?
- [computer voice]
THE [bleep] IF I KNOW.
- I'M ASSUMING YOU MEANT TO TYPE
"TRUCK THAT I TOW"?
- [computer voice]
DON'T BE AN ASS[bleep].
- OKAY, THESE ARE GETTING HARDER
TO MISINTERPRET.
NOW, LOOK, I'VE GOT
ONE MORE JOB LINED UP,
AND THEN IT'S STRAIGHT
TO THE FAILURE BOARD WITH YOU.
VITO, HOW'S IT HANGING?
- LIKE DAVID CARRADINE,
MY FRIEND.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
- WELL, I THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU COULD GIVE MY BUDDY HERE
THAT BUSBOY JOB.
- THAT DEPENDS.
DOES HE HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE?
- [computer voice]
DO MERMEN SWALLOW SEAMEN?
- OOH, I GOT
A KINDRED SPIRIT HERE.
HE'S GONNA WORK OUT JUST FINE.
[explosion]
all: OH.
- DUDE,
THAT WAS FRICKIN' AWESOME.
- I CAN ONLY DO IT TWICE,
THOUGH.
HEY, VINCE, PUT ONE OF THEM
BRAIN DOGS IN MY GOOD HAND.
- HEY, YOU GET PAST
YOUR PARENTS OKAY
WITH THE HOODIE
AND THE SHADES?
- OH, NO, IT'S COOL.
THEY JUST THINK
I'M A DRUG DEALER.
WHATEVER THEY DON'T KNOW
IS NOT GONNA HURT 'EM, RIGHT?
HEY, HOW ABOUT ONE
OF THEM ZIMAS, VINCE?
- RANDALL!
[chuckles]
CAN I JUST, UM...GRAB YOU
FOR ONE QUICK SEC?
- WHAT'S UP, PUMPKIN?
- THIS IS PROBABLY GONNA SOUND
LIKE A STUPID QUESTION,
BUT YOUR PARENTS ALREADY KNOW
THAT YOU'RE A ZOMBIE, RIGHT?
- OF COURSE NOT.
- BUT IN THE DINER,
YOU SAID IT WAS HARD
KEEPING IT A SECRET.
- YEAH, RIGHT, THEN I GOT
WAY BETTER AT LYING.
- WELL, HERE'S THE THING.
I REALLY THINK
YOU SHOULD LEVEL WITH THEM,
BECAUSE I ALREADY KIND OF DID.
- OH, MAN, YOUR DAD
IS GONNA KILL YOU.
[cocks gun]
- YEAH, THAT'S HIS SHOOTING GUN,
ALL RIGHT.
- RANDALL, HONEY,
DADDY WANTS TO SPEAK WITH YOU.
- THIS IS GONNA SUCK.
- COME ON, GUYS.
WASN'T IT OBVIOUS?
I MEAN, HE'S BLOWN HIS HAND
CLEAN OFF HIS BODY.
HE'S TAKEN A LAWN DART
IN THE NECK.
THEY PROBABLY KNEW DEEP DOWN,
DON'T YOU FIGURE?
- YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS
TO SNITCHES OUT HERE?
- I CAN'T SAY THAT I DO.
- WELL, MAYBE IT'S TIME
WE TOOK YOU FOR A RIDE.
- HEY, BLOB,
I GOTTA TELL YA,
YOU LOOK
AWFULLY FAMILIAR TO ME.
YOU SURE WE NEVER MET?
- [computer voice] NOT LIKELY.
- IT'S UNCANNY.
YOU GOT THE PERSONALITY
OF POTTY-MOUTH PETE
AND A HATRED OF JEWS
LIKE JOEY THE JEW-HATER.
- [computer voice]
THAT IS CRAZY.
- I GUESS IT IS, ESPECIALLY
SINCE THEY'VE ALL BEEN WHACKED,
BUT IF THEY WERE STILL LIVING,
WE'D HAVE TO PUT THEM DOWN
TWICE AS HARD.
AM I RIGHT, BOYS?
[all laugh]
- [computer voice] HA-HA.
HA, HA.
GULP.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS,
YOU KNOW?
- OH, WE DON'T HAVE TO.
WE WANT TO.
- YOU SEE THAT?
THOSE ARE THE MARSHLANDS,
WHERE THE MOB
BURIES ITS SNITCHES.
- YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING,
GOT IT?
- LOOK, GUYS, ALL I DID
WAS STATE THE OBVIOUS.
- SHUT UP!
I'M NOT FINISHED!
YOU SEE, NO ONE EVER THINKS
TO LOOK BACK HERE
BECAUSE IT'S WHERE
THE CHEMICAL PLANT
DUMPS ITS TOXIC WASTE.
- YOU DIDN'T SMELL NOTHING,
GOT IT?
- ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE
SNITCHED ON RANDALL.
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.
- KILL YOU?
WE JUST THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE
TO LEARN MORE ABOUT NEW JERSEY.
- PLUS, TONY OVER HERE JUST GOT
A NEW JOB AS A TOUR GUIDE,
AND HE REALLY NEEDS
THE PRACTICE.
- SHUT UP!
I'M NOT FINISHED!
IF YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING ME,
I'M GONNA FORGET MY SPIEL.
NOW, OVER HERE,
WE HAVE THE PINE BARRENS,
WHERE THE FIRST-EVER
CULTIVATED BLUEBERRIES
WERE DEVELOPED IN 1916.
- WHAT PART OF DEAD
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
- WAIT. WAIT.
GO BACK A BIT.
DID YOU SAY THE BODIES
ARE GETTING MIXED TOGETHER
WITH THE TOXIC WASTE?
- [sighs] NOW I GOT TO LOOK
AT THE BROCHURE.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS.
- BY THE WAY,
YOU'RE REALLY GONNA HAVE
TO WORK ON YOUR PATTER
A LITTLE BIT.
LEONARD, IT'S MARK.
LISTEN, I THINK I KNOW
WHERE THE BLOB COMES FROM.
- HE'S A WHAT?
NO KIDDING.
THE BYPRODUCT OF MOB SNITCHES?
DON'T WORRY.
I KNOW JUST WHAT TO DO.
AH.
BACK IN THE SADDLE.
- HOW COULD YOU GO ZOMBIE ON US,
RANDALL,
AFTER ALL WE'VE DONE FOR YOU?
- GO EASY ON HIM, ROGER.
IT'S NOT A CHOICE.
- UM...ACTUALLY,
IT WAS A CHOICE.
I WAS TRYING TO BANG
THIS HOT CHICK,
BUT IT TURNED OUT
SHE LIKED WARLOCKS,
SO I REALLY MISHEARD.
- AND DID YOU THINK OF
YOUR MOTHER AND I AT THAT TIME?
- HONESTLY,
I DID MY BEST NOT TO.
- YOU'VE LEFT ME LITTLE CHOICE,
RANDALL.
- HONEY, MOVE CLOSER.
YOUR FATHER'S
NOT A VERY GOOD SHOT.
- HEY, BLOB, COME.
SIT DOWN FOR A SECOND.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
I'M GONNA SPEAK ROBOTIC TO BLOB.
- GO AHEAD.
- [computer voice]
I LIKE YOU, BLOB,
BUT I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME.
- [computer voice]
I HAVE TO TAKE A DUMP.
- [computer voice]
AND YET YOU DON'T
HAVE TO TELL ME EVERYTHING.
- I FRISKED HIM.
HE'S CLEAN.
- HEY, THIS IS THE LUCKY COIN
THAT BELONGED
TO SAMMY THE SNITCH.
- [computer voice]
THAT IS RIDICULOUS,
BUT FOR THE RECORD,
I SAW CARMINE STEAL A MEATBALL
FROM YOUR PLATE.
[toilet flushes]
- ROGER!
SMILE BIG.
- WAIT TILL MY ARMY BUDDIES
SEE THIS.
- HURRY UP, MA, WILL YA?
MY KNEES ARE KILLING ME.
[camera shutter clicks]
- THANK YOU, SON.
THAT'LL EARN ME SOME RESPECT
FROM THE BOYS.
I JUST WISH I HAD FOUND OUT
THAT YOU WERE A ZOMBIE SOONER.
I COULD HAVE BROUGHT THE PHOTO
TO THE REUNION.
- THIS IS A NICE COMPROMISE, MA.
GOOD THINKING.
- WE LOVE YOU, SON,
FLESH-EATING CORPSE OR NOT.
OH, AND HERE.
YOUR EAR FELL OFF
THE LAST TIME YOU CAME HOME.
I KEPT IT IN YOUR SCRAPBOOK
WITH YOUR OTHER STUFF.
- YOU KNEW ALL ALONG.
- A MOTHER KNOWS.
ALSO, HERE'S YOUR NOSE.
I FOUND IT IN THE SOFA CUSHIONS.
- UH, THAT ONE'S NOT MINE.
- EW.
- LOOK AT THAT, CITIZENSHIP
AND YOUR PICTURE IN THE PAPER.
OH, I'D SURE LIKE
A COPY OF THAT.
OH, THAT'S GOING
ON THE SUCCESS BOARD.
- [computer voice]
LOOK WHO'S A BIG [bleep] NOW.
- AND MAYBE A LITTLE MUSIC
TO DROWN OUT THE VULGARITY.
[sound-alike to Journey's
Don't Stop Believin' playing]
[bell on door ringing]
- HELLO, CITIZENS.
- MARK, GLAD YOU COULD JOIN US,
'CAUSE EVERY TIME A BELL RINGS,
A WIZARD TAKES A SHOT.
- I'M PROUD OF YOU, LEONARD.
YOU HANDLED THIS
ALL ON YOUR OWN.
- MARK, MY FRIEND, I COULD HAVE
ONLY DONE IT WITHOUT YOU.
- OKAY.
- I THOUGHT YOU WERE BRINGING
YOUR ZOMBIE FRIEND.
HE'S PARKING THE VAN.
[metal crunching]
- WHY DON'T YOU MOVE BACK
TO JERSEY, YOU JERK?
*
[bell ringing]
*
[bell rings]
[music stops abruptly]
- HEY, WHO TURNED OFF
THE LIGHTS?
[gunshot]
- AND STAY DEAD.
HEY, THANKS FOR THE TIP, STEVIE.
[wheelchair motor whirring]
- THE PLEASURE WAS MINE.
- [computer voice]
EW, THIS IS ALL WET AND STUFF.
- I JUST CAN'T STOP WONDERING
WHERE THEY PLACED HIM.
- DON'T FEEL BAD, BUDDY.
THERE'LL BE OTHERS.
- THAT'S SWEET OF YOU, MARK,
BUT UNLESS THEY'RE TELLING ME
TO GO [bleep] MYSELF...
[sighs]
THEY WON'T BE THE SAME
AS THE BLOB.
- WE'RE OFTEN TOLD TO STAY AWAY
FROM FOUR-LETTER WORDS
LIKE "[bleep]" AND "[bleep]"
AND "JEW-Y."
MAYBE IT'S NOT THE WORDS WE USE
BUT HOW WE USE THEM.
THEN AGAIN,
MAYBE IT'S JUST KNOWING
WHEN TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
[gunfire]
- ALL RIGHT, POP, I THINK THAT'S
ENOUGH PRACTICE FOR TODAY.
- THIS IS GREAT.
I LOVE HAVING A GAY ZOMBIE
AS A SON.
- WAIT, WHO'S GAY?
[gunshot]
[screams]
*
- [gasps]
[screams]
- IN A CITY OF 8 MILLION,
IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY
RETAINING YOUR IDENTITY.
- I'LL NEVER EAT JELL-O AGAIN!
- BUT WHEN YOU ALSO HAVE TROUBLE
RETAINING YOUR SHAPE..
[all gasp]
[all screaming]
- THAT'S WHEN THINGS
GET A LITTLE STICKY.
- STEADY, BOYS.
DON'T SHOOT TILL YOU SEE
THE WHITES OF ITS EYES.
- I DON'T THINK IT HAS ANY--
[screaming]
- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
pop!
- I DON'T KNOW, BUT YOU'D
BETTER HAND ME THAT TASER,
'CAUSE IT'S BREAKING THE LAW,
STARTING WITH...
[taser buzzing]
RESISTING ARREST...
[taser buzzing]
ROBBERY...
[taser buzzing]
MAIL FRAUD...
[taser buzzing]
AND KIDNAPPING TOO.
- OOH!
BETTER TACK ON SEXUAL HARASSMENT
JUST TO BE SAFE.
pop!
- RANDALL,
THE SINK'S CLOGGED AGAIN.
IF YOU'RE GONNA BE PULLING
YOUR EYEBROWS OFF,
PLEASE USE THE STRAINER.
[stammering]
[screaming]
OH, GROSS.
THERE'S ENOUGH HAIR HERE
FOR A '70s PORNO.
[knocks on door]
- [grunting]
- I'VE GOT TO GET IN THERE.
THEY'RE MAKING ME COME INTO WORK
ON MY DAY OFF.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
[laughs]
RANDALL?
WHA?
- [scoffs]
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
- WELL, IT WAS A CLOGGED SINK,
BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN
IN THE TOP FIVE ANYMORE.
WHO ARE YOU?
- I RENT AN APARTMENT
FOR THE WEEKEND.
YOU TALK TO THE ZOMBIE MAN,
OKAY?
- I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
RANDALL, HI.
WHY IS THERE A YETI
SITTING ON MY TOILET?
- YEAH, I DO THIS EVERY YEAR
FOR THE YETI CONVENTION,
JUST, LIKE, RENT MY ROOM OUT
AND STAY IN THE VAN,
AND NOW I'M LIVING LARGE.
- YOU'RE LIVING IN A VAN.
- WELL, MAN, I'M NOT GONNA
LIVE WITH A YETI.
- [sighs]
DID YOU USE MY RAZOR?
- MAIS OUI.
ZOMBIE MAN SAID UTILITIES
WERE INCLUDED.
- THAT'S NOT A UTILITY.
THAT'S--WOW!
THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS WEAR
SOME SHORTS AROUND HERE, MAN.
[toilet flushes]
- WELL, WELL,
LOOK WHO DECIDED TO SHOW UP.
- IT'S MY DAY OFF, TWAYNE.
I CLEARED THIS WITH YOU
MONTHS AGO.
- I THINK I WOULD HAVE
REMEMBERED THAT.
- I SENT AN EMAIL...
- NO.
- A MEMO...
- NO.
- A NOTARIZED LETTER.
- NO.
- THE STRIPPER-GRAM?
- NO.
- REALLY?
YOU DON'T REMEMBER
THE STRIPPER-GRAM?
- NO.
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
TRUTH IS,
WE ARE UNCOMFORTABLE
LEAVING THE DEPARTMENT
IN LEONARD'S HANDS.
THIS IS A SECURITY RECORDING
OF THE LAST TIME
LEONARD WAS IN CHARGE.
- NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
HE JUST SHOWED UP AND DEMANDED
TO SPEAK WITH NICOLE.
HUH?
I KNOW. I TOLD HIM THAT.
HOLD ON.
I THINK THIS IS HER.
HELLO, NICOLE?
OH, OH, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE.
YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I AM PAYING TOO MUCH
FOR HEALTH INSURANCE.
- [screams]
- OF COURSE I'LL HOLD.
- THAT GOES ON
FOR ANOTHER 20 MINUTES.
- FINE, I'LL GET HIM STARTED.
THEN I GO.
YOU KNOW,
YOU COULD ALWAYS HIRE BACK
THE REST OF THE DEPARTMENT.
- NEVER.
- SO WHAT IS YOUR COUNTRY
OF ORIGIN?
RIGHT.
WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD START
WITH THE EASY ONES.
LET'S SEE, MALE OR FEMALE?
"IF NOT APPLICABLE,
JUMP TO QUESTION 12.
"QUESTION 12, ARE YOU NOW
OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A MEMBER
OF THE ZOMBIE PARTY?"
WAIT, WHAT?
OH, I MUST HAVE GRABBED
THE WRONG APPLICATION.
THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
MAY I SPEAK WITH YOU PRIVATELY
FOR A MOMENT?
- IT DOESN'T APPEAR
TO HAVE ANY EARS, BUT SURE.
- THE TRUTH IS, I HAVEN'T PUT IN
A REAL DAY'S WORK
IN ABOUT THREE YEARS NOW.
- WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE FILES
BEFORE I ARRIVED?
- PRETTY MUCH JUST THREW THEM
OUT THIS WINDOW.
- WELL, LOOKIE THERE.
SO YOU DID.
BLOB. BLOB.
BLOB, BLOB, BLOB, BLOB, BLOB.
BLOB...HMM.
OKAY, FIRST THING WE NEED TO DO
IS FIGURE OUT
WHAT THE HELL IT IS.
DID YOU JUST GET BIGGER?
- [belches]
- [panting]
I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE IT ENDED
AND LEONARD BEGAN.
- ARE YOU OKAY?
- IS IT SHAMEFUL TO SAY
I LOVED IT?
- I GUESS
I SHOULD STICK AROUND.
- OH, NO, YOU GO AHEAD.
I'M WELL OVER 500 YEARS OLD.
I SHOULD BE ABLE
TO HANDLE THIS, RIGHT?
- GREAT.
YOU'VE GOT YOUR CLIPBOARD.
YOU'VE GOT YOUR POINTY HAT.
MY NUMBER'S ON THE FRIDGE
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.
YOU SURE YOU'LL BE OKAY?
- DO WIZARDS PISS
ON THEIR ROBES?
YES, WE DO.
WE FREQUENTLY PISS
ON OUR ROBES.
[muffled dance music]
*
- SO I SAID TO HER,
"LOOK, YOU KNEW I WAS ABOMINABLE
WHEN YOU MET ME."
- EXCUSE ME.
HI.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A BUZZ KILL,
BUT IF YOU ARE GOING
TO THROW A PARTY,
YOU NEED TO CHECK
WITH ME FIRST.
- DUDE, YOU HAVE THE FANCIEST
BATHROOM I'VE EVER SEEN.
SERIOUSLY, WHO PUTS
A QUEEN-SIZE BED
IN THEIR BATHROOM?
- THAT'S ACTUALLY MY BEDROOM.
- OH.
THEN I GUESS I JUST TOOK A DUMP
IN YOUR BEDROOM.
SORRY, MAN.
- YOU KNOW,
THIS ISN'T HALF BAD.
A LITTLE MOLESTER-Y.
- YEAH, BUT NOT IN A BAD WAY.
HEY, WHAT'S UP, CANKLES?
YOU EVER BEEN
IN A HUMAN-ZOMBIE THREE-WAY?
- [spits]
- YEAH, I BET YOU HAVE,
YOU SASSY CAT.
- HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU
THAT YOU PUSH TOO HARD?
- I LIKE TO THINK OF IT
AS COMMITMENT.
YOU'RE GONNA SPEND
YOUR WHOLE DAY OFF SLEEPING
WHEN WE CAN DO
WHATEVER WE WANT IN HERE?
- LIKE WHAT?
WE'RE IN A RUSTING AEROSTAR.
- WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
WE CAN PLAY SOME JOURNEY,
REENACT SILENCE OF THE LAMBS,
WHACK OFF.
- WAIT, WHAT WAS THE LAST ONE?
- I SAID WE COULD WHACK OFF.
- I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.
- OKAY, I WAS KEEPING THIS
AS A SURPRISE,
BUT YOU'RE IN LUCK, MY FRIEND,
BECAUSE I KNOW
OF A BIG BARBECUE BASH
THAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW
DOWN THE SHORE.
- ROAD TRIP. HUH.
- BEER, GIRLS, FOOD.
PLUS, WE NEED TO MOVE THE VAN
TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET
BY 5:00,
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- THIS ISN'T JUST
ANOTHER TRIP TO JERSEY, IS IT?
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS NEW JERSEY.
[horns honking]
- WHAT IS THE HOLDUP?
- AH, SOME ZOMBIE PROBABLY LOST
HIS HAND IN THE CHANGE BASKET.
ALL THESE JERSEY ZOMBIES
REALLY PISS ME OFF.
YO, JUST 'CAUSE I'M DEAD
DON'T MEAN MY TIME
AIN'T PRECIOUS!
- LOOK, BLOB,
I'M GONNA LEVEL WITH YOU.
I HAVEN'T ALWAYS HAD A LOT
OF SUCCESS WITH MY CASE FILES,
BUT YOU'VE GOT THE ONE THING
THEY DIDN'T HAVE,
A MOSTLY SOBER ME,
AND I DON'T PLAN ON FAILING YOU
LIKE I DID THE OTHERS.
ANY QUESTIONS BEFORE WE START?
pop!
OH, I'M SORRY.
I DON'T THINK OF YOU THAT WAY.
- [gurgles]
- FORTUNATELY, EVERY WIZARD
HAS A BOOK OF MAGIC TRICKS
UP HIS SLEEVE.
MINE JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE
COSMOPOLITAN.
- CAN I HELP YOU?
- YEAH, I'LL HAVE
THE ALL-AMERICAN.
- UH...TELL ME,
WHAT COMES IN THE STEW?
- NOT BRAINS.
- I SEE.
WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE TO--
- NO BRAIN SUBSTITUTIONS.
- VERY WELL.
THEN I WILL HAVE A CUP
OF YOUR FINEST BROTH, PLEASE.
- THAT WAS ODD.
- YEAH, YOU CAN'T GET
GOOD BRAINS
OUTSIDE THE CITY ANYWAY.
THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS CARRY
A ZOMBIE ZIPLOC.
- HOW CAN YOU PUT THAT
IN YOUR MOUTH?
- RANDALL FUN FACT:
I ONLY HAVE
TWO WORKING TASTE BUDS.
- MAN, THEY REALLY DO MOVE
SLOWER OUT HERE, DON'T THEY?
- YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.
THESE ZOMBIE TOWNIES STILL DO
THE WHOLE SLOW WALK THING.
- DIRTY LAKE-DRAGGER.
- HEY, THAT'S OUR WORD.
YOU DON'T GET TO CALL US THAT.
- I GUESS THERE IS STILL
A LOT OF PREJUDICE OUT HERE.
MUST BE HARD COMING BACK KNOWING
THAT'S ALL UNDER THE SURFACE.
- YEAH, IT WAS AT FIRST.
YOU KNOW, KEEPING IT A SECRET.
NOW IT'S WAY EASIER.
- YEAH.
YEAH, I BET.
[gunshot]
OH, MY GOD.
- YEAH, THEY STILL GET SHOT
OUT HERE.
IT SUCKS, BUT I GET IT.
JUST HEAR 'EM STUMBLE AROUND
GOING, "BRAINS."
[mumbling]
THEY CAN'T EVEN
SAY "BRAINS" RIGHT.
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
- WELL, IT'S JUST FOR SPORT,
YOU KNOW,
ZOMBIE TIPPING,
ZOMBIE HUNTING.
THERE'S "RIP THE ARM
OFF THE ZOMBIE,"
"PIN THE ARM
BACK ON THE ZOMBIE,"
"ZOMBIE SOCCER"--
THAT'S REALLY--
THEY JUST KICK YOU IN THE NUTS.
THAT'S NOT EVEN A GAME.
THERE'S SOMETHING CALLED "ZAPE,"
WHICH, BELIEVE ME,
YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW
WHAT THAT IS.
- [moaning]
[gunshot]
- UGH.
[upbeat hip-hop music]
*
- YOU KNOW, GIVING YOU
THE GIFT OF SPEECH
MIGHT TAKE
A FAR MORE GENIUS MIND
THAN EITHER OF OURS,
MY FRIEND.
LUCKILY, I'M CONNECTED.
SO YOU SEE, MR. HAWKING,
WE FIGURE ONLY SOMEONE
WITH YOUR SUPERIOR INTELLIGENCE
COULD FIND A WAY
FOR OUR BLOB HERE TO SPEAK.
ANY IDEAS?
- [computer voice] OF COURSE.
THE ANSWER IS QUITE SIMPLE,
REALLY.
A BASIC SOLUTION
OF POTASSIUM NITRATE
COMBINED WITH ORDINARY
HOUSEHOLD PRODUCTS
SUCH AS CHLORINE, SODIUM,
SUNNY D--
- MY VOICE BOX.
WAIT.
[shimmering tone]
- THAT GUY MAKES WALL-E
SOUND LIKE JOSH GROBAN.
[clears throat]
ALL RIGHT, BLOB.
LET'S SEE HOW YOU HANDLE
THIS BABY.
- [computer voice]
I'M NOT A GOOD TYPE...ASS.
- ASSUMING YOU MEANT "TYPIST,"
I THINK WE'RE OKAY.
ON TO PHASE TWO:
FIND THE JOB
THAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU.
- MOM, DAD, I'M HOME.
- THIS IS YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE BIG PARTY?
YOU SAID "GIRLS."
- NO, I SAID "GRILLS."
I CAN'T HELP WHAT YOU HEAR.
- RANDALL, DARLING,
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- MOM, MARK.
MARK, MOM.
ALL RIGHT, COME OUT
WHEN YOU'RE DONE.
- DONE WITH WHAT?
- HEY, DAD.
- TALK TO ME
DURING THE COMMERCIAL.
- ALWAYS DUCKING OUT
TO BE WITH HIS FRIENDS.
NOTHING EVER CHANGES.
MARK, SIT.
I'LL GET THE PHOTO ALBUM.
MAYBE WE COULD PULL ROGER
AWAY FROM HIS HISTORY CHANNEL!
- IT WAS THE '60s.
WOMEN WERE BURNING BRAS.
MEN WERE BURNING WOMEN,
AND STUDENTS PROTESTED
THE ZOMBIE-HUMAN CIVIL WAR.
[psychedelic rock music]
*
[all moaning]
[gunshot]
- [gulping]
[gunfire]
- MURDER THAT LEG-DRAGGER.
- [computer voice]
DO I HEAR 1,000?
1,000?
[phone ringing]
[shimmering tone]
- NEVER TRY THIS AT HOME, KID.
YELL-O.
- YO, LEONARD.
HOW'S IT SHAKING?
- MARK, WHAT A SURPRISE.
WHAT ARE YOU CALLING IN FOR?
- JUST HIDING IN THE BATHROOM
AT MY ROOMMATE'S PARENTS' HOUSE.
ANY LUCK WITH BLOB?
- I SET HIM UP WITH A VOICE BOX
AND PLACED HIM
AT THE GOVERNMENT AUCTION LOT.
- [computer voice] 300?
ANYONE? 300?
- I'VE GOT IT COMPLETELY
UNDER CONTROL.
- [computer voice] WHAT IS THIS,
A ROOM FULL OF JEWS?
- OH, SPOKE TO SOON.
LOOKS LIKE HE'S AN ANTI-SEMITE.
- HERE'S RANDALL
WHEN HE WAS JUST A BABY.
OH, LOOK AT HIS LITTLE HAT.
AND HERE HE IS
AT WEREWOLFS-BURG, VIRGINIA.
AND THIS IS A PIECE
OF HIS UMBILICAL CORD.
- HOW...NICE.
- YEAH, AND HERE HE IS
WEARING MY OLD ARMY HELMET.
- WAIT, YOU FOUGHT
IN THE ZOMBIE WAR OF '68?
- OF COURSE.
YOU WANT TO SEE
MY PRIZED POSSESSION?
ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?
YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY,
THE REST OF HIM GOT AWAY,
BUT I GOT HIS THUMB, YEP.
LET'S SEE THAT BASTARD
TRY TO REVIEW A MOVIE NOW.
- OH, ROGER,
IT'S JUST A THUMB.
- IRONIC, HUH?
YOU SPENT YOUR YOUTH
FIGHTING ZOMBIES,
AND THEN YOUR SON BECOMES ONE.
- ONE WHAT?
- NO, I'M SAYING IT'S ADMIRABLE
THAT YOU CAN LOVE RANDALL
THE WAY YOU DO
DESPITE HIS BEING A ZOMBIE.
[both gasp]
THIS WOULD BE
A GREAT TEACHABLE MOMENT
FOR ONE OF MY GROUP SESSIONS.
- HE'S SAYING
RANDALL'S A ZOMBIE?
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA GO SEE WHAT THAT
COLD SACK OF FLESH IS UP TO.
- WHAT THE HELL
WAS THAT BACK THERE?
- [computer voice]
THE [bleep] IF I KNOW.
- I'M ASSUMING YOU MEANT TO TYPE
"TRUCK THAT I TOW"?
- [computer voice]
DON'T BE AN ASS[bleep].
- OKAY, THESE ARE GETTING HARDER
TO MISINTERPRET.
NOW, LOOK, I'VE GOT
ONE MORE JOB LINED UP,
AND THEN IT'S STRAIGHT
TO THE FAILURE BOARD WITH YOU.
VITO, HOW'S IT HANGING?
- LIKE DAVID CARRADINE,
MY FRIEND.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
- WELL, I THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU COULD GIVE MY BUDDY HERE
THAT BUSBOY JOB.
- THAT DEPENDS.
DOES HE HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE?
- [computer voice]
DO MERMEN SWALLOW SEAMEN?
- OOH, I GOT
A KINDRED SPIRIT HERE.
HE'S GONNA WORK OUT JUST FINE.
[explosion]
all: OH.
- DUDE,
THAT WAS FRICKIN' AWESOME.
- I CAN ONLY DO IT TWICE,
THOUGH.
HEY, VINCE, PUT ONE OF THEM
BRAIN DOGS IN MY GOOD HAND.
- HEY, YOU GET PAST
YOUR PARENTS OKAY
WITH THE HOODIE
AND THE SHADES?
- OH, NO, IT'S COOL.
THEY JUST THINK
I'M A DRUG DEALER.
WHATEVER THEY DON'T KNOW
IS NOT GONNA HURT 'EM, RIGHT?
HEY, HOW ABOUT ONE
OF THEM ZIMAS, VINCE?
- RANDALL!
[chuckles]
CAN I JUST, UM...GRAB YOU
FOR ONE QUICK SEC?
- WHAT'S UP, PUMPKIN?
- THIS IS PROBABLY GONNA SOUND
LIKE A STUPID QUESTION,
BUT YOUR PARENTS ALREADY KNOW
THAT YOU'RE A ZOMBIE, RIGHT?
- OF COURSE NOT.
- BUT IN THE DINER,
YOU SAID IT WAS HARD
KEEPING IT A SECRET.
- YEAH, RIGHT, THEN I GOT
WAY BETTER AT LYING.
- WELL, HERE'S THE THING.
I REALLY THINK
YOU SHOULD LEVEL WITH THEM,
BECAUSE I ALREADY KIND OF DID.
- OH, MAN, YOUR DAD
IS GONNA KILL YOU.
[cocks gun]
- YEAH, THAT'S HIS SHOOTING GUN,
ALL RIGHT.
- RANDALL, HONEY,
DADDY WANTS TO SPEAK WITH YOU.
- THIS IS GONNA SUCK.
- COME ON, GUYS.
WASN'T IT OBVIOUS?
I MEAN, HE'S BLOWN HIS HAND
CLEAN OFF HIS BODY.
HE'S TAKEN A LAWN DART
IN THE NECK.
THEY PROBABLY KNEW DEEP DOWN,
DON'T YOU FIGURE?
- YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS
TO SNITCHES OUT HERE?
- I CAN'T SAY THAT I DO.
- WELL, MAYBE IT'S TIME
WE TOOK YOU FOR A RIDE.
- HEY, BLOB,
I GOTTA TELL YA,
YOU LOOK
AWFULLY FAMILIAR TO ME.
YOU SURE WE NEVER MET?
- [computer voice] NOT LIKELY.
- IT'S UNCANNY.
YOU GOT THE PERSONALITY
OF POTTY-MOUTH PETE
AND A HATRED OF JEWS
LIKE JOEY THE JEW-HATER.
- [computer voice]
THAT IS CRAZY.
- I GUESS IT IS, ESPECIALLY
SINCE THEY'VE ALL BEEN WHACKED,
BUT IF THEY WERE STILL LIVING,
WE'D HAVE TO PUT THEM DOWN
TWICE AS HARD.
AM I RIGHT, BOYS?
[all laugh]
- [computer voice] HA-HA.
HA, HA.
GULP.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS,
YOU KNOW?
- OH, WE DON'T HAVE TO.
WE WANT TO.
- YOU SEE THAT?
THOSE ARE THE MARSHLANDS,
WHERE THE MOB
BURIES ITS SNITCHES.
- YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING,
GOT IT?
- LOOK, GUYS, ALL I DID
WAS STATE THE OBVIOUS.
- SHUT UP!
I'M NOT FINISHED!
YOU SEE, NO ONE EVER THINKS
TO LOOK BACK HERE
BECAUSE IT'S WHERE
THE CHEMICAL PLANT
DUMPS ITS TOXIC WASTE.
- YOU DIDN'T SMELL NOTHING,
GOT IT?
- ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE
SNITCHED ON RANDALL.
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.
- KILL YOU?
WE JUST THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE
TO LEARN MORE ABOUT NEW JERSEY.
- PLUS, TONY OVER HERE JUST GOT
A NEW JOB AS A TOUR GUIDE,
AND HE REALLY NEEDS
THE PRACTICE.
- SHUT UP!
I'M NOT FINISHED!
IF YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING ME,
I'M GONNA FORGET MY SPIEL.
NOW, OVER HERE,
WE HAVE THE PINE BARRENS,
WHERE THE FIRST-EVER
CULTIVATED BLUEBERRIES
WERE DEVELOPED IN 1916.
- WHAT PART OF DEAD
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
- WAIT. WAIT.
GO BACK A BIT.
DID YOU SAY THE BODIES
ARE GETTING MIXED TOGETHER
WITH THE TOXIC WASTE?
- [sighs] NOW I GOT TO LOOK
AT THE BROCHURE.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS.
- BY THE WAY,
YOU'RE REALLY GONNA HAVE
TO WORK ON YOUR PATTER
A LITTLE BIT.
LEONARD, IT'S MARK.
LISTEN, I THINK I KNOW
WHERE THE BLOB COMES FROM.
- HE'S A WHAT?
NO KIDDING.
THE BYPRODUCT OF MOB SNITCHES?
DON'T WORRY.
I KNOW JUST WHAT TO DO.
AH.
BACK IN THE SADDLE.
- HOW COULD YOU GO ZOMBIE ON US,
RANDALL,
AFTER ALL WE'VE DONE FOR YOU?
- GO EASY ON HIM, ROGER.
IT'S NOT A CHOICE.
- UM...ACTUALLY,
IT WAS A CHOICE.
I WAS TRYING TO BANG
THIS HOT CHICK,
BUT IT TURNED OUT
SHE LIKED WARLOCKS,
SO I REALLY MISHEARD.
- AND DID YOU THINK OF
YOUR MOTHER AND I AT THAT TIME?
- HONESTLY,
I DID MY BEST NOT TO.
- YOU'VE LEFT ME LITTLE CHOICE,
RANDALL.
- HONEY, MOVE CLOSER.
YOUR FATHER'S
NOT A VERY GOOD SHOT.
- HEY, BLOB, COME.
SIT DOWN FOR A SECOND.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
I'M GONNA SPEAK ROBOTIC TO BLOB.
- GO AHEAD.
- [computer voice]
I LIKE YOU, BLOB,
BUT I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME.
- [computer voice]
I HAVE TO TAKE A DUMP.
- [computer voice]
AND YET YOU DON'T
HAVE TO TELL ME EVERYTHING.
- I FRISKED HIM.
HE'S CLEAN.
- HEY, THIS IS THE LUCKY COIN
THAT BELONGED
TO SAMMY THE SNITCH.
- [computer voice]
THAT IS RIDICULOUS,
BUT FOR THE RECORD,
I SAW CARMINE STEAL A MEATBALL
FROM YOUR PLATE.
[toilet flushes]
- ROGER!
SMILE BIG.
- WAIT TILL MY ARMY BUDDIES
SEE THIS.
- HURRY UP, MA, WILL YA?
MY KNEES ARE KILLING ME.
[camera shutter clicks]
- THANK YOU, SON.
THAT'LL EARN ME SOME RESPECT
FROM THE BOYS.
I JUST WISH I HAD FOUND OUT
THAT YOU WERE A ZOMBIE SOONER.
I COULD HAVE BROUGHT THE PHOTO
TO THE REUNION.
- THIS IS A NICE COMPROMISE, MA.
GOOD THINKING.
- WE LOVE YOU, SON,
FLESH-EATING CORPSE OR NOT.
OH, AND HERE.
YOUR EAR FELL OFF
THE LAST TIME YOU CAME HOME.
I KEPT IT IN YOUR SCRAPBOOK
WITH YOUR OTHER STUFF.
- YOU KNEW ALL ALONG.
- A MOTHER KNOWS.
ALSO, HERE'S YOUR NOSE.
I FOUND IT IN THE SOFA CUSHIONS.
- UH, THAT ONE'S NOT MINE.
- EW.
- LOOK AT THAT, CITIZENSHIP
AND YOUR PICTURE IN THE PAPER.
OH, I'D SURE LIKE
A COPY OF THAT.
OH, THAT'S GOING
ON THE SUCCESS BOARD.
- [computer voice]
LOOK WHO'S A BIG [bleep] NOW.
- AND MAYBE A LITTLE MUSIC
TO DROWN OUT THE VULGARITY.
[sound-alike to Journey's
Don't Stop Believin' playing]
[bell on door ringing]
- HELLO, CITIZENS.
- MARK, GLAD YOU COULD JOIN US,
'CAUSE EVERY TIME A BELL RINGS,
A WIZARD TAKES A SHOT.
- I'M PROUD OF YOU, LEONARD.
YOU HANDLED THIS
ALL ON YOUR OWN.
- MARK, MY FRIEND, I COULD HAVE
ONLY DONE IT WITHOUT YOU.
- OKAY.
- I THOUGHT YOU WERE BRINGING
YOUR ZOMBIE FRIEND.
HE'S PARKING THE VAN.
[metal crunching]
- WHY DON'T YOU MOVE BACK
TO JERSEY, YOU JERK?
*
[bell ringing]
*
[bell rings]
[music stops abruptly]
- HEY, WHO TURNED OFF
THE LIGHTS?
[gunshot]
- AND STAY DEAD.
HEY, THANKS FOR THE TIP, STEVIE.
[wheelchair motor whirring]
- THE PLEASURE WAS MINE.
- [computer voice]
EW, THIS IS ALL WET AND STUFF.
- I JUST CAN'T STOP WONDERING
WHERE THEY PLACED HIM.
- DON'T FEEL BAD, BUDDY.
THERE'LL BE OTHERS.
- THAT'S SWEET OF YOU, MARK,
BUT UNLESS THEY'RE TELLING ME
TO GO [bleep] MYSELF...
[sighs]
THEY WON'T BE THE SAME
AS THE BLOB.
- WE'RE OFTEN TOLD TO STAY AWAY
FROM FOUR-LETTER WORDS
LIKE "[bleep]" AND "[bleep]"
AND "JEW-Y."
MAYBE IT'S NOT THE WORDS WE USE
BUT HOW WE USE THEM.
THEN AGAIN,
MAYBE IT'S JUST KNOWING
WHEN TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
[gunfire]
- ALL RIGHT, POP, I THINK THAT'S
ENOUGH PRACTICE FOR TODAY.
- THIS IS GREAT.
I LOVE HAVING A GAY ZOMBIE
AS A SON.
- WAIT, WHO'S GAY?
[gunshot]
[screams]