Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 3 - Demon Baby - full transcript

Callie goes baby-crazy after Mark starts fostering a demon orphan; Twayne starts to notice some odd changes in his body.

You know what's
a huge decision?

Having a baby.

Give me your soul.

Let's just do this before
we change our minds.

It's the one I call
the game c changer,

when two people who used
to have fun together

start ripping each
other's throats out.

Drop that baby!

You're under arrest.

You think you can waltz
out of hell into my city

and sell some stolen baby?

No, officer.

You got it all wrong.

I'm no thief.
I'm the daddy over here.

One of the major arguments
for dating a girl

who is dead wrong for you:

Virtually no temptation to ever
make that fatal decision.

Mark, it's time to take our
relationship to a new level.

Oh, dear God!

There's something
I want to show you.

What is that?

It's my three hole.

How did I not
notice that before?

It just opened up.

Opened up?

It changes color?

I can make it blink too.

It also does this.

You think it's ugly.

No, no, no, no.

It's just a lot
of new information here.

Dude, pound that.


It's not what you think.

I was just watching
you guys have sex.


You can kiss this three hole
good-bye, Mark Lilly.

Don't make it weird.

Dude, you got a sweet piece.

Is that...
that's a boom mic.

Yeah, so if you could try
to project a little more,

That would be great.

Okay, let's start again
from the top.

Callie, could you come in here,

Oh, sure.
Fill my hole no problem.

Clearly, your honor,
this lowlife

Stole someone else's child
to sell on the black market.

Aren't you the defense lawyer?

Oh, right.
Uh, sorry.

Totally hopped up
on sudafed p.M. Right now.

Let's start again.

Clearly this lowlife
is the real father.

Uh, paperwork checks out.


Seems dirty to me.

You want dirty?

Callie asked me to put it
in her three hole this morning.

Oh, she must trust you.

That's what they call
a "Dirty Houdini."

Let's be careful down there.

Ratso demon, please rise.

It's pronounced
"enrico," ma'am.

You are hereby
ordered to return

Bob and Maxine Lane
their souls.

Why's that?

30-day grace period
upon making any deals

with said devil or any
devil-like entities.

Furthermore, you are to attend
D.O.I. proper parenting classes

until such time as our
esteemed instructors

Deem you a fit parent.

- She's looking at us.
- That's hilarious.

Bailiff, return
his baby, please.

Yay, me.

Gootchie, gootchie, goo.

Sir, I'm pretty sure
those are the feet.

I know that.

Okay, today we need to talk
about parenting in the u.S.A.

What the hell do you know
about parenting?

What are you, like, ten?

Fair question.

I know that parents should...

Never shake a baby.

So there's that.

It also says you never steal
demon babies

And sell them
on the black market.

Why you got to look at me
when you say that?

I just happened to notice

The price scanner
you're holding.

Don't be a pussy, Mark.
He is a lying ass.

Look at the tell.

Jiggly knee.
That's the one!

Okay, confession time.

I don't think
this is your baby, sir.

How's come?

You really don't
strike me as a father.

What does it eat?

Baby things.

Poker chips, grass,

Energy drinks.

What's its name?

Choking victim.

Where's the baby?

Let me ask the questions here.

No, stupid.
The baby is missing.

Hey, what do you know
about that?

Oh, my God!


Somebody get this baby
off my face.

Sir, you're gonna need to try
to relax your face muscles.

I know it's counterintuitive.

What's up?

Sir, I'm afraid
you've left me no option.

I assume control over
this baby until said time

that he can be placed
in a proper home.

Yo, I'm heartbroken
over here.

Hey, look, they got an o.T.B.
Over there over here.

Must he end every sentence
that way?

So what's the process
for the demon baby?

Same as hazardous waste.

Contain him overnight
in a steel cage unit

Until U.P.S. arrives
in the morning.

But there's an orphanage
right across the street.

I could just walk him
over there myself.

Ah, six of one...

Hey, little fella.

How'd you like to get
a little fresh air?

How could I resist that?

No legs is not my problem.

You stand up for the pledge
of allegiance, marshall.

Oh, my God!

Is that a demon baby?

Yeah, just thought
I'd show him a good time

Before I took him
to child services.

The orphanage?


Whew...really burns
quite a bit.

Oh, my dark lord.

Um, did your boobs just grow
when you touched the baby?

Are you sure?

'cause I could have sworn...
there, it happened again.

Stop staring at my boobs.

I can't, so I'll go.

Uh, ma'am, you appear
to be lactating fire.

Now, we can't cancel
health benefits

For employee spouses, but
we can encourage divorce.

That is gonna be an issue.

You're doing so great, honey.

Just a little more.

Oh, my God!
This is really happening.

In the day, she wear dress.

Now she naked.

Somebody shut that guy up.



Just push. Push.


Oh, for God's sake!

I'm in heat.

Hmm, Monday, Monday.

Oh, that's four shirts today.

Get that baby
out of your mouth.

We're gonna leave that
for now.

Oh, you!

The bane of my existence.

Ah, a baby.
Hell, yes!

I love these things.

I must say, not the reaction
I was expecting.

What, are you kidding me?

These things
are total scush bait.

For some reason, women can't
resist these little shriek bags.

Do I still have time
for happy hour?

Nah, I should
really be getting him

Over to the orphanage.

Come on.
One drink won't kill him.

You'd like that,
wouldn't you?

He got your nose.

It was coming off anyway.

You see, Mr. Bone raper,

When a demon woman
goes into heat,

The demon man, that being you,
smells her pheromones,


Go on.

And he grows
a massive mating bone.

You know, I don't really feel
comfortable having "the chat"

With my boss.

Please help me understand.

So many icky, confusing feelings
I have inside.

Am I normal?

Oh, of course
you're normal.

It's just that if you were
in hell right now,

You'd be looking to disembowel
your chief rival.

Then would come
a battle to the death

With your mating partner.

And finally,
assuming you were victorious,

You would then get
to eat the baby.


Don't pick at it.

He looks like
he may be wearing down.

I should probably get him
over to the orphanage.

Hey, is this the baby
buying rounds on my tab again?

No, he's done.

It's from the knockout
at the end of the bar.

All right, go ahead, buddy.
I got the baby.

Hey, put the pool cue down!


I probably shouldn't.
Callie might get mad.

She broke up with you again

Over that three hole thing,

I guess, yeah.


Why are we still talking?

Hi, there.

I cannot believe
you accepted that drink.

Wait a minute.

You can shape-shift?

Don't change the subject.

You like brunettes,
is that it?

Brunette humans.

Look, clearly you have
something on your mind.

Why don't you just say it?

Well, I guess seeing you
with the baby

Stirred up
some confusing emotions.

I was trying to be
what I thought you wanted.

Did you know that being around
that demon baby

Made me lactate fire?

I think I may be
in love with you.

How can you be
so cruel to me?

You are just like
my lacrosse coach.

You know what?
Forget everything I just said.

Your baby just racked up
an 800 dollars bar tab.

Home safe.

Well, little fella,

I guess this is it.

We had some laughs, a couple
of near-death experiences.

I hope I showed you
a little fun out there.

"Good-bye" is the
hardest word, so...

So you and callie...

What's the deal?

You guys an item?

Because her facebook status
says single.

Dude, if you took her
off my hands,

I'd consider it a favor, so...

Knock yourself out

With whatever that thing is
growing out of your sternum.

She hasn't given herself
to me yet.

Any clue as to why?

Well, it...
it's just that...

You're sort of a dick.


And I think callie likes me
because I'm not a dick so much.

You're fired!

I have a better idea.

Teach me to be nice.

You could start
with this wall of hands.

I want one so bad.

Hey, thanks for taking
the time to do this.

You threatened
to remove my liver.

I know.


time for your first lesson.

Let's pretend
we're on a date.

You're you,
and I'll be callie.


Oh, two delicious knishes.

Callie, would you like
mustard on your knish?

Oh, no, thanks.

I don't like mustard.

Are you [bleep] kidding me?

Everybody likes mustard!

Suck that,
you pile of filth!

Too much passion.

Yeah, that's exactly it,
too much passion.

Okay, let's keep at it.

♪ do what lovers do ♪

♪ right from the start ♪
♪ yeah ♪

♪ say what lovers say ♪

♪ to never part ♪
♪ yeah ♪

♪ I'm so glad I found you ♪

♪ I can't think of anything
but you ♪

Oh, God!

Okay, plan "c."

Do you know
how to rollerblade?

Mom, you know
I never wanted kids.

But I saw this demon baby,
and now all I can think about

Is squeezing one
out of my skull.

You're in heat, dear.

This is perfectly natural
for a succubus your age.

Why didn't things work out
with you and daddy?

Well, it was
a more confusing time back then.

Being drugged by a cult

And forcibly impregnated
by the devil

Was sort of frowned upon.

But you know what, callie?
I wouldn't change a thing.

Then why didn't you have
any more kids after me?

Were you afraid
they'd be demons too?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Because honestly, mom,
being half human, half demon

Has caused me a lot of problems.

I made a deal with the devil.

I got you, and I'm very happy
about that.

That said,
adoption's not a bad idea.

You are so hideous.

Who's the spawn of satan?

No, you are.

Fifth floor.
I told you.

Nailed it, friend.

Pretty cute, huh?

Callie, I...

I would love to eat
that tasty little baby.

Again, a real mood killer.

And this must be
Mr. Maggotbone.

There is no Mr. Maggotbone.

Bone raper.

Twayne the bone raper.

Ah, of the connecticut
bone rapers.

One and the same.

Such a proud name
with a proud history.

You must be proud.

Anyway, you're not getting
the kid.


Because you'd be
a single mother, dear.

That is totally sexist.

It's for your own safety,
trust me.

Once these babies start to molt,
you'll need two demon parents

With proven upper-body strength.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?



Who needs charm when you
got 'em by the short hairs?


What you doing?

Making a plus-minus list
for marrying Twayne.


I've got unending misery,

sexless boredom,

the whole barbed penis thing.

- It goes on.
- Pluses?

Get baby and...

Possibly bring about
the end of days.

End of days.
That's a plus?

Well, not for you.

More of a gray area
for demons.

Anyway, I'm marrying Twayne.

That's insanity.

Are you jealous?

No, I just thought
he disgusted you.

Ugh, he does,

With his barbell nipple rings.

Who does that?

Probably not the best idea

To marry someone
who disgusts you.

I want that baby, Mark.

Besides, it's always been

That I'd end up with Twayne.

It's what daddy wants.

The last part,
read that back to me.

"in conclusion, both parties
consent to marriage

As required by state law
for proper demon adoption."

Sounds good.
What do you think?

I'd like
a paragraph confirming

This be a loveless marriage.

As long as I get to watch you
undress at home

On my surveillance system.


I'll draft this and have it
on your desk in half an hour.

Might as well cc yourself.

Of course.

Oh, good stuff.

Oh, yeah.

That is very strong.

You have great hands.

How much extra for a happy...


Good to see you there
in my doorway.

How can I help you?

Uh, just wondering
if you had made any headway

On tracking down
that birth parent

I was looking for.

Been at it nonstop
since we last spoke.

Google says woodlawn cemetery.

Naw, that...that's not it.

Woodlawn cemetery is what you
said, like, three hours ago.

Come on, man!
You're a wizard, for God's sake.

All right.
All right.

Do you have a tooth
or a lock of hair

That belonged to the baby?

Oh, wait. Wait. Wait.

There's some baby spit-up
on this shirt

That I've been wearing
for six straight days.

That's a stretch,
but it just might work.

Okay, there's you and me,

Looking handsome
and very well groomed.

And that must be a house,

His parents' house.

Hang on.

We need to get closer.

Wait, this is
that same crap information

You got off google maps.

Snazzier with the whole
vision thing, though, isn't it?

I don't have enough juice
for the both of us.

Sorry, kid.
You're on your own.

Stupid google.


Stupid stock options
never pan out.

Terrible search engine.

Might as well have yahoo.

Oh, well.

At least I tried, right?

Hey, am I imagining things,
or is this kid, like,

Three times bigger
than he was at the bar?

He's ready for maury povich.

Good thing the adoption's
going through.

You can't place these suckers
once they transform.

Oh, speak of the devil.

What the hell is going on?


It looks like a
vagina eating itself.

You don't often
see that for free.

You've got to be kidding me!

Either of you have anything to wanna
say before we make this marriage legal?

Let's get this over with?

Stop the marriage.


You're here to fight
Twayne to the death

and whisk me away.

Let's do this!

Not at all, actually.

Wait, I can still do
some whisking.

Come with me.

There's something
I want to show you.

What am I supposed
to do about this?

Yeah, we've got a problem,

And I'm afraid you're not
gonna like the solution.

A magic spell?

Hmm, yes, that.

No denying the
family resemblance.

Yo, who do I got to [...]

to get a fresh diaper
around here?

Yo, baby, wipe your own ass.

I don't understand.

Why were you trying
to sell the baby

If you're the real dad?

I mean, sure, yeah,
I tried to sell the baby,

Only 'cause I was scared
of being a single dad over here.


He loves me
like a father over here.

Plus, I was afraid
I was gonna eat it.

But not no more.

You're like a little me
with a smaller [bleep].

Yo, I don't know about that.

Yo, I'm having a lot of fun
over here.

Yo, me too over here.

Yo, I love you,
choking victim.

Yo, I love you too, daddy.

They are pretty cute together.

Yeah, I had to admit it.

Watching that dad
having such a good time

With his little boy

Made me feel super bad
about having, like,

No interest whatsoever
in having kids.

Seriously, hot pokers in my eyes
sounded more appealing.

Oh, did you just conjure me?

No, but come in.

I just wanted to say
I'm sorry.

I guess my urge
to spawn soldiers

For satan's dark army
made me lose perspective.

Hey, hey, you don't need
to feel bad about it.

It was actually kind of nice
to see your softer side.

I'll show you
my softer side.

Maybe you could make it
blink, like christmas lights?

Oh, I can definitely
do that.

♪ yeah, baby ♪

♪ show you right ♪

♪ work that three hole ♪

Christ, there's bone dust

It's got to come off.

It'll get infected.

So painful.
So painful.

Oh, God, I think
he's still conscious.

Should I hit him
with more ether?

No, I can probably
get it from here.

Just hold him down.

This is going to smart.

Twayne, just blink
if it hurts, buddy.

Can't... Blink.