Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 2 - An American Werewolf in America - full transcript

Mark tries to teach a Werewolf and its victim a lesson in trust; Leonard pursues his dream of becoming a famous magician.

Every once
in a blue moon,

something extraordinary


You don't have to do this.

Something that really
gets your blood pumping.

Drop that arm.

But, I wanted
to go to the show.

It's amazing how anyone
can actually stay sane

once they've gone
through the system.

- Are you alive or dead?
- Alive.

- Good or evil?
- Good.

Evil. Do you walk
on two or four legs?

Sometimes two, sometimes
four when I'm running,

sometimes five,
if you get my meaning.


Sir, I'm gonna need you
to retract your claws.

The whole process
is so dehumanizing.

Granted, many of the cases
aren't human, but still,

What's wrong with treating them
with a little compassion?

Here, boy.
Who's your master?

Huh, somebody
ate chili for dinner.

Something smells amazing.

Must be my famous eggs.

The secret ingredient
is pepper.

Did you know,
as a sign of respect,

You're supposed to let
a werewolf sniff your hand

Before starting
a conversation?

That's the smell.

Dude, you are so tender.

Are you having a full
moon flesh craving again?

Of course not.

Are you sure?

'cause you're salivating,
like, a lot.

I'm just hungry
for some flesh toast.

Made from a mixture
of tofu, whole grains,

and rat ovaries with
real fleshy taste added.

Flesh toast.

Be careful out there.

Don't bruise yourself,


Are you licking my ear?

Don't ruin
the moment.

Can you believe this guy?

All for a ticket
to the christ angel show.

Oh, right, 'cause
christ angel's such a genius.

Hey, what are you doing?

It's a sign of respect,

Yeah, in 1801.

I can't believe
I'm still dealing

With this level
of ignorance.


By the way, your hand
smells like flesh toast.

The state versus
matthew thornton, werewolf.

Your honor, there are
68 witnesses to this crime.

The defendant was arrested with
the victim's arm in his mouth.

Dna evidence
was everywhere.

And the law could not be more
on my side.

Giant baby?

Oh, who could say no
to that spaghetti face?

Case dismissed.

Really, your honor?

This is the seventh case
he's won with spaghetti.

You call this justice?

I order the werewolf

back into the custody
of Leonard powers

to undergo
obedience training.

Is Mr. Powers present?

Leonard's, caught
in traffic, your honor,

so I will be handling
the werewolf.

I don't care.

And time.

I'm sorry.

I've got too much anger
for this trust exercise.

Okay, good, great, way
to express yourself, Phil.

Would it be
too much to ask

For you to give me back
my wedding ring?

Um, sorry.
I haven't passed it yet.

How convenient.

Matthew, is there anything
you'd like to say

To help Phil deal with
some of that anger?

Could I interest you
in a belly rub?

This is unbelievable.

This is an important lesson
for everyone.

a basic level of trust,

The whole city
will fall apart.

That's nice in theory,

But you can't trust

Oh, God!
It's happening again.

Let's give Phil some
space for a minute,

Watch some slides.

Leonard, some
visual aids, please.

Keep your pants on,

In the early days
of New York,

the native New Yorkers

were led by the vampire
William Dyer.

My skin's on fire.

But irish immigrants
were flooding into the city.

Oh, God!

And quite frankly,

A lot of tension
between those groups.

This will bring me

Tone it down,

Take christ angel's side.

Jesus christ.

Make it stop.

Make it stop!

Oh, sorry about that,

We'll pick it up from
here next time.

Nice powerpoint,
sugar tits.



Little out of sync
in there today.

Have I ever told you how much
I like this magic pen set?

Yes, many times.

I'm a little more interested
in this angry obsession

You have with christ angel.

I don't know
what you're talking about.


I would think this guy
would be a hero to all wizards.

I mean, he's amazing.

So cool.

Oh, my God, Leonard!

Is this you?


You're friends
with christ angel?

We're not friends.

He's my brother.

- We have the same mother...
- Right.

- And father.
- I get it.

Like the Jonases,
only there are two of us.

- I'm gonna take off.
- Now I turn on the television.

I got to see this dude
who's my brother.

Hey, buddy.

Want to jam with me
on rock band?


they are delicious.

Are we jamming?

Do I look cool
right now?

You're the coolest, buddy.

Hello, Ray?
Yeah, it's me.

Man, I'm having
a really bad craving.

Well, I roofied my roommate's
chocolate milk.

Chocolate milk.

Yeah, I know,
a grown man.

I'm really fixated on the
occipital lobe right now.

How would I do it?

Well, I hadn't really
thought about it.

But I guess I'd start
with an incision

At the base of the spine,
bypassing the arteries.

Then I'd drain
the spinal fluid

To make, like, you know,
kind of a base.

Are you masturbating
to this?

Dude, you are
the worst sponsor.

How long have you
been watching me sleep?

The whole night.

Okay, clearly,
you want to eat me,

And that's natural.

You're a zombie.

Save your hippie mind games
for someone else, dude.

Okay, all right.

But I'm here
when you want to talk.

Mark, I hope
I didn't give off

the impression that I have
some sort of problem

With my brother's success.

Listen, I'm fine
with him living out

All my hopes and dreams.

Would I have given him
my classic dove card trick

If I was bitter?

For this next illusion,
I need a volunteer.

Oh, me!
Pick me!

Wow, look at you.

I guess I'm not the only angel
in here tonight.

I need you to think
of a card.


Now, really concentrate
on the card.

That's totally my card.

But where's christ?

What's happening to me?


I'm going into labor.

What you've just seen
is magic.


That's your trick?

He won a wizzie for it
in 1732.

He must have been
so grateful.

Oh, yeah!

I mean, he didn't mention me
in his speech

Or return my calls
for three centuries,

But a brother knows.

I take back everything
I said about magicians.

Old lady, your brother
is amazing.

Well, we've had
a lot of fun tonight,

But I'd like to slow things
down for a minute

And introduce my brother.

Leonard, get
your ass out here.


Can you believe
he's the younger brother?

So old.

Wrinkle face.

Lenny, it's always good
to see you,

But I've been meaning
to ask you something.

Why you hitting yourself?

Why you hitting yourself?

Why you hitting yourself?

Why you hitting yourself?

- Stop...
- Why you hitting yourself?

- That's okay...
- Why you hitting yourself?

This guy's a total dick.

Leonard, I think
this is a classic case

Of sibling doormat

Wait. I have a family!

Mark, you're about
to lose that hand.

You should stop drinking

And be more honest
about your emotions.

Take Randall here
as an example.

Hey, Randall, you
want to eat me, right?

More than anything.

See, and now that
that's out in the open,

We can deal with it.

I worked out
a whole plan.

After you go to bed,

I wait patiently
for your breathing patterns

To indicate
that you have fallen asleep.

Leonard, if it's your dream
to be a world-famous wizard,

You should go for it.

The trick is gonna be
opening your door

Without making any noise.

Maybe you have a point.

But where
would I even start?

How about here,
at open mic night?

Before entering the room,

I'll put pillows
on my feet.

He'll never hear me.

Is that
drunk sack of magic

Gonna grace us
with his presence today?

Are you talking about
the amazing Leonard?

Whoa, that leotard
is tight.

This is just
a little taste.

If you want to see more,

Be at the subclub tonight.

It promises to be
a magical evening.

you're on cleanup.

How come
whenever a lion explodes,

It's always grimes
on cleanup?

Callie, let's start

Replacement wizards.

You know
what I'm looking for.

Proficiency in evil

And a working knowledge
of powerpoint.

Out of sight.

How did the exploding lion

Reaction was mixed.

What's this?

It's a token
of my appreciation.

"I, Leonard Powers,

"bequeath to you,
Mark Lilly,

One day of immortality."

And a 25 dollars
Barnes & Noble gift card.

I'm a little confused.

That's good
for any purchase,

Except at the cafe.

I was talking about

The immortality/handgun

Mark, you really turned
me around last night.

Immortality is the greatest
gift a wizard can bestow.

Go ahead.

Give it a shot.

You know what?

I've got some work
to finish up right now.

What say I off myself
after lunch?


You might want
to use the safety

if you're gonna
aim it at your junk.

This calm, peaceful

was once the site
of the horrific battles

between the natives
and the irish,

but eventually, they decided
to trust each other.

So they could get on
with their lives.

Is there anything you guys
would like to say to each other?

Could you
come by my place

And explain to my six-year-old
where daddy's arm went?

You've got some serious
hostility issues.

You know that?

Sorry, I've been waiting
too that all day.

Now that I've got

There's someone
I want you to meet.

He'll help you put all
this hatred into perspective.

Welcome to Ray's.

Class, this is Mr. Dyer.

Yes, the same Mr. Dyer
from the slide show.


That wasn't even
24 hours ago.

Does anyone
pay attention?

He traded in his anger
for the american dream.

If he can find peace...
or shall I say slice...

So can you.

Mr. Dyer,
the floor is yours.

After I lost my eye,

I was seduced by the glamour
of the pizza business.

But after a good run,

I rediscovered
my one true passion:

A seething hatred
of the irish!

I should have done
a little more research.

Uh, Randall?

Are you following me?

So what if I am?

It's great exercise.

Nothing sinister
about that.

The piano wire
and the man-size sack

Say otherwise.

I'm not actually gonna
sneak up behind you

And strangle you

And shove your lifeless body
into this sack.

I just want you to see
that I could.

Our first act is the
amazing Leonard.

Also, we're out
of chicken fingers.

Are you ready
for some magic?

I need an assistant.

How about you,
young man?

You need a woman
for the dove trick.

I can't give birth to you.

Don't worry.
I'm doing something else.

I am going to kill a man

And bring him
back to life.

Let's see your precious christ
do that.

I call it "the wakey-wakey
eggs and bakey."

Whoa, wait!
We're losing them, Mark.

What's wrong?

You don't believe in me.

That's not true.

You never
believed in me.

You're just like
all the rest.

maybe I don't feel

Like shooting myself
in the head right now.

It has been a while
since you performed

In front of a live audience.

I've never performed
in front of a live audience.

Why don't we start
with a card trick?

Or maybe pull a quarter
out from behind my ear?

The finger thing?
This gag?

Please, Mark.

I promise.

If you kill yourself,
you won't regret it.

Happy thoughts.

Happy thoughts.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

I call his legs.

Oh, my God!

I'm alive!

Leonard's spell worked.

What happened to my clothes?

Clothing does not make
the transition

Into the in-between world.

Okay, you're going
to come back to life,

But we've got to go over
a few things first

To make sure that you don't
kill yourself again.

That's completely

I want to live.

Before I can process you,
I need to show you

How your death
affected your friends,

Or what my mother would call
"a guilt trip."

Randall had
to identify your body.



Why can't I eat him?

I'm sorry.
It's against the law.

I'll give you a minute
to say good-bye.

Well, would it be okay
if I just ate a toe?

Go for it, buddy.

I don't need
all those toes.

Dude, did you hear

What he just said?

Well, if it's okay
with him.


And callie, she found twayne
an evil wizard

To take Leonard's place.

Everything is collating
as I have foreseen.

Does she even care
that I'm dead?

She's trying to induce a tear
via yawning.

Really hard
for demons to cry.

They're like protestants.

There it is.

Leonard is so ashamed
and racked with guilt

That he goes on
the biggest bender of his life.

Let's do some
body shots, baby.

It's been nice working
with you, lady liberty.

You're the ugliest french chick
I've ever seen.

Where's he going?

To the wizards' guild,

Where he shall resign from
the department of integration.

I've got to stop him.

Bah-bah, we got
to complete the process.

Next stop,
your funeral.


Hi, everyone.

My name's Phil.

I didn't know Mark long,

but seeing him here like
this really hits home.

Looking at death,

I realize being a werewolf
isn't so bad.

My arm's even growing back.

Look at my small arm.

Mark tried to teach me that.

He just did
a really terrible job.

I forgive you.

Thank you so much.

And, hey,
look what I found.

Don't worry.
I rubbed it in purell.

I don't even know
these guys.

Doesn't anybody who's known me
for more than a day

Want to speak,


Overall, it was
a pretty low-key affair.

Okay, that's it.

Here's a customer service

I cannot accept tips,

But if you appreciated
my services,

Please circle either
"excellent"s or "very good"s.

It's a pension thing,

And it means a lot
to me and my family, okay.

I wish I had time
to explain what just happened,

But I've got to stop
Leonard from quitting.

I can't believe
you ate my toe.

It didn't look like
you were coming back.

It was a victimless crime.

Listen to me.

It's very important that
I find Leonard Powers.

He's in the middle of
his resignation ceremony

in the 12th-floor
conference room.


You shall not pass!

Until you sign in.

It's required.

In order to resign
your position

As wizard at the department
of integration,

You must turn in
your office supplies.

I was told
I could keep them.


You will turn them in,

Even the koosh ball.

And once the box
is unloaded,

It shall be done.

One rubber band ball.

One merlin mouse pad.

One wand sharpener.

One plastic
world's drunkest wizard trophy.

15 condoms.

One koosh ball.

And finally,
one excalibur pen set.


Leonard, stop!

Don't do it.

I'm alive.

- And diving for no reason.
- Sorry.

Who dares intrude

On the president
of the wizards' guild?

By the power
of excalibur,

I withdraw
my resignation.


I've been made


I summon thee.

Thanks for saving me,

Just promise
never to encourage me again.

You have my word.

In america, you're always taught
to reach for the stars,

But for some, just accepting
who you are is hard enough.

Kitty cat!

Others end up regretting
the cost they paid

To get to the top.

Life is hard enough
as it is.

I say, there are more important
things to worry about.

The best advice

might be to just
leave the stars alone,

have a few drinks and
pass out on your desk.

Ah, sucker!