Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 13 - Soulsucker - full transcript

Mark gets in over his head when he agrees to be Callie's partner in an ancient demonic ritual; Randall babysits a confused robot.

When you live
in a big city,

You like to think
you've seen it all.

But in a city like new york,
that's never gonna happen.

Nyet, nyet!


- Though you'll definitely see
some things you wish you hadn't.

- All yours now.

Don't get sticky.

- Whoa, wait.

You're leaving
the killer robot with me?

- You are m. Lilly, correct?

Chief operating officer
in charge of...

Robotic android rehabilitation?

- Not that I'm aware of.

- I may have had something
to do with that.

I thought I was signing you up
for the softball team.

- Boring laboratories.

I've got one of their
pneumatic egg poachers.

- And I've got
their hydraulic melon baller.

Total *bleep*.

- Does it come
with instructions?

- Use the egg poacher manual.

Same principle.

- My name is mark.

I come in peace.

- So did he.

- Oh, don't be a baby.

Lemon juice
will take that right out.

- Today in honor
of our newest member, j9,

I'd like to discuss boundaries.

We all have boundaries
that need to be respected.


- Oh, god.

Oh, you bastard.

- Turn your anger
into a statement.

- I want to piss
on his circuit board.

- That's perfectly normal.
Go deeper.

- I guess I wonder,
"what kind of person does this?"

- J9, why would you do this
to toby?

Uh, eric?

- I love that everyone
just assumes

I read punch card.

Give me that.

"consult manual."

- He didn't come
with a manual,

Much like life itself.

- Huh.

Leonard strikes again.

What's my fall issue of oeuf

Doing in the garbage?

- Mark, your obsession with eggs
is a time bomb

In the middle
of this relationship.

- This is the issue

With the yearly
egg timer reviews, dude!

- You come home
with some strange robot

And start yelling at me
about eggs again.

- What else did you
throw out, genius?

- Don't change the subject.

We need to look at this now.

- "cordially invite you

"to callie's
13th zechalech ceremony,

Prince of thrones cathedral,

This started five minutes ago.

You're babysitting j9 for me.

- Does he have laser cannons?

- Not as far as I know.

- I am sorry
you had to hear that.

Sometimes roommates fight.

- Oh, man.

Excuse me.

Does anybody know a good place

To buy a last-minute
zechalech gift

That's not gonna break
my wallet in half?

That way.

- I'm looking for a zechalech
gift for my girlfriend

Something thoughtful that won't
break my wallet in half.

- Well, puzzle boxes are
the traditional zechalech gift.

How guilty are we feeling

For leaving it
till the last minute?

- This isn't helping my hernia.

- I need the biggest
damn puzzle box you got.

- Good afternoon.

Noticing spooge stain.

Jackets are required, sir.

- The zechalech ceremony.

May I introduce your graduates?

- This is a cool birthday party.

- Just put on the horns.

- How dare you?

You understand
that we are from

Two entirely different worlds.

- Hello, hi, how are you?

Hi, hi.

- You don't even know
who she is.

Your ex-wife--
don't you forget it.

- Congratulations.

- I have moved on
to greener pastures,

And your anger is unattractive.

- Will you stop?

- And finally,
callie maggotbone.

Is there no human

Who will speak on her behalf?

- Aw.

- God, you're such a phony.

You've always been
such a phony.

- A phony, right.
Okay, repeat, repeat.

- Who says that?

- Repeat, repeat.
Repeat, repeat.


- Any human at all?

- Uh, I'll do it.

- Young man, I don't know
who you are.

- Callie asked me
to come tonight.

I said, "are you kidding?
It's your 13th zechalech.

Wild horses couldn't stop me."

- Ugh, kiss-ass.

- A puzzle box?

Oh, my god, mark.

This is really unexpected.

- There's a card too.

My soul belongs to you.

Oh, I forgot to sign it there.

It's a kitty cat card,


- Should I unseal it?

- Stop teasing us.

Unseal that box!

Unseal at box!

- Quick question.

Best way to remove man juice
from a sam goody employee?

- I'm gonna take this outside.

- Eata, elia, es!

Eata, elia, es!

Eata, elia, es!

Eata, elia, es!

Eata, elia, es!

Eata, elia, es!

- Oh, wow.

Remind me to give you
puzzle boxes more often.



Hey, hey.

- Hey, watch it, pal.

- Ow!

- Hey!

- Ooh, ah,
ooh, ah.

- We know
this is a public park,

But we're really gonna have
to ask you guys to leave.

- If I had a nickel

For every time
I've heard those words...

- On your left,

- You called me down here
for this?

- You must be pretty jaded

If a demon corpse
isn't news to you.

- Ever been to demon funeral,

It's called
a "garbage disposal."

that's how they do it.

- Someone's clearly
threatening me.

This was tied to its toe
with a ribbon.

- It's okay.

Daddy will take care
of the big scary bug for you.

- Oh, wow.

- Sweet dweams.

- So what did we miss?

So I flip on the lights,

And there's a demon corpse
in my bed.


- Nice and easy, mark.

She's a crazy bitch.

There you go, out the door.

Call you later.
You were saying?

- There's a demon corpse
under my desk.

- You mean under your bed.

- No, under my desk.

- Needs more salt.

"remember me."

I think I know what this is.

That puzzle box
you gave callie,

It unseals the three
great satanic ordeals.

The corpses
are the first ordeal.

- What have I done, leonard?

- You've taken the biggest step
of your life, mark.

- Please tell me
we're not engaged.

- There's no time
for questions.

Now, declare to me that
I'm the best man to protect you.

Say it.

- You're the best man to--
- I accept.

Now, I've got
to go call your mother

And give her the news.

- What--so then who
is leaving the corpses?

Any leads
on why he's producing

The juice of a man?

- Uh, let's try this.

- Greetings,
female of the future,

Subject number one.

If you're viewing this,

You survived the dirigible wars
of 1982,

Wars which were predicted by me
in the present year of 1954.

This j9 robot has been filled

With my own highly motile semen
to inseminate you.

- Um...

- Please prepare
for the procedure

By assuming
a horizontal position,

Or if you prefer,

You can be on top.

J9, activate.

- Ah!

- Don't resist!

It makes it worse!

- Not the mouth.

- Try to yield to it!

Just yield to it!

- Turn it off!

- Oh, that looked serious.

- That's weird.

- Oh, god!

- I'll give you guys
some privacy.

I cannot thank you enough
for what you did for me.

Ah, it's so nice to finally

Have someone in my life
I can count on.

- Did I do something wrong?

What the hell is this?

- I-I killed
all my ex-boyfriends

To purify myself for you.

- So that is your ex?

Ugh, he's kind of...

- Old, I know.

I've got a bit
of a daddy complex.

- Does everyone just carry
salt shakers around?

- Oh, lookee there.

The second ordeal's begun.

I'm gonna make
all your dreams come true.

- Hmm.

- I've heard of morning wood,

But it's nearly midnight.

- Why am I naked, leonard?

- The second ordeal.

Whatever you dreamed last night,
you'll live out today.

Now, hold still.

We're fitting your tuxedo.

It's my body.
I'm okay with it.


- You should be ashamed
of yourself

For dreaming this.

- I've been under
a lot of stress lately.

Admitting your faults.

Who wants to go first?

- I look at my poop
before I flush.

- That's actually
pretty normal.

- I also look at his poop
before he flushes.

- Excuse me for a moment.

- Ooh, little circles,
little circles.

- You know,
there's a procedure

To take care
of those spider veins.


- Oh, you're so tense.

- Callie, sweetheart,
dreams coming true sounds great,

But in reality,
not so fun.

- Who said it's supposed
to be fun?

- You did.

- Just relax.

Let mommy work it out.

- Mommy?

- I'm sensing distance, mark.

- For the record,

I've never dreamt
about my mom

In crotchless panties.

- I beg to differ.

You mumble in your sleep.

Who wants to hear
the recordings?

We do!

- You're not getting cold feet,
are you?

- I'm not marrying my mother.

- It's your dream,
not mine.

- Mark, stop arguing,
and hand your penis to your mom.

- Mm.

- You waste time talking,

Is my turn from behind.

- It's an orgy.
I-I want in.

- I would like to have sex
with mark's mother.

- The saltiest in the city.
Here you go, handsome.

- Four bucks for this?

It's already melted.

- No refunds.

Go eat your man cream.

Who pulled your panel off,

Right back.

Hey, yo, chief,

Where's your bag ice?

- I just don't understand
why mark's acting so weird.

- Sweetheart, can you take
your original form?

We're trying to fit the dress.

- Humans.

"this is moral.

That's immoral."

we should
vaporize the whole race.

Oh, except for you,
of course, mommy.

- I'm up most nights worrying

About that repressed
hostility, dear.

- It's just, I gave him
all those dead bodies,

And not a single word
of thanks.

- Are you sure he knows
what he signed on for?

- How couldn't he know?

It's the puzzle box.


- Never assume.

When your father said
"third base,"

I didn't know he meant biting
the *bleep* off a dead jackal.

- I promised mark

I wouldn't tell the story about
our trip to the centaur show

In juarez city.

- I'm gonna wake up
before I hit the ground.

- You know, I should probably
put more emphasis on juarez.

- I'm gonna wake up
before I hit the ground.

- Where the hell is he?

- I'm gonna wake up.


- There you are.

Let's go.
We're gonna be late.

All right, I'm done.

I want out, leonard.

- Sorry, mark.

Once you're in,
you're in till the end,

Like my swim coach
when I was 12.

No turning back
and no tattling.

But there will be a lollipop.

- Whoa, what the--

- The third ordeal
is upon us.

All righty, off to fetch
the ice sculpture:

Two swans a-humping.

The ordeal.

Whatever you do,
no humdingers.

- That looks angry.

Did I dream this?

- Nope.

Deal with it.

- Why are you naked?

- Mark's the only one

Who's allowed
to practice home nudism.

- Where's j9?

- Last I saw,

He was jackhammering
through the rink

At rockefeller plaza.

- You left him alone?

I-I trusted you to babysit.

- Oh, complaining.

Can the egg tantrum
be far behind?

Here, I'll give it a countdown.

Three, two, one.

- Don't you dare
drag god's food into this.

Eggs are nutritious,
excellent for the skin,

Easily transportable,
with modern shells that--

No, you know what?

Look, I can't do this
right now.

Let's just cool it down.

- Fine.

To be continued.

Hey, you were premed.

Does this look normal?
- Oh, dear god.

Excuse me, how far are we
from rockefeller center?

- How far is it?

About that far.

- Mm.

Is it me, or does that
look just like a--

- There you are.

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

- Whoa.

- Have you been avoiding me?

- Callie, uh, baby,

We've got sort of an emergency
on our hands.

- Oh, my.
You're right.

That thing really is
ready to blow.

You know what?

Let's just fill it
right here.

Who needs that stupid ceremony,

Going down.

- What did I tell you, mark?

No humdingers.

- I hate button fly.

- She's about
to suck your soul out

One of the many ways
they do it:

Through the urethra.

- You were going
to suck my soul out?

- So I'm confused.

I thought you wanted this.

If you didn't,
then why did you give me...

the stupid puzzle box?

- I was horribly misled
by a sales representative

At the hellmark store.

And then I saw you standing
on that stage all alone,

And I felt sorry for you.

- This is what happens
when you date a human,allie.

Ugh, I hate my human half.

Want a humdinger?

- More than anything.

- Callie.

- get out.

Prince of thrones cathedral.

Step on it.

- Sorry.

- Whoa, where you going?

- It's okay, officer.

Mark lilly,
department of integration.

- Special agent chet McGovern,

- Yes, sir.

- It's dr. Alan boring
in the flesh.

- Well, rotting flesh.

- It's his instruction manual.

- Aw, he wants a belly rub.

- I don't think
that's a belly rub.

I think he's trying
to make some stiffness

In his bathing suit area.

- Well, he needs to use
more starch than that,

Because those look like
wool slacks to me.

- No, he's here
to refill his tank.

- Boy, that must have
been tough,

Being gay in the '50s.

- ♪ I feel your heartbeat
so close to mine ♪

- What did your date tell you
was going to happen here?

- Charity auction.

And then we all head to my place
for the coke orgy.

I'd like to welcome everyone
to the 13th cycle of zechalech

Graduation ceremony.

Young ladies, if you'll please
produce your puzzle boxes.



Does anyone have any gum?

- Aren't you nervous?

You're about to lose your soul.

- Eh, what's it done for me?

Let's do this thing.

- Things just got interesting.

- Always pegged her
as a soul sucker.

- What's the holdup, lady?

Whe's my humdinger?

- Know what?

Just get out of here.

- Later.

- You need to fill the box,

It's starting to close up.


- Don't let him pressure you.

You do whatever you feel
in your heart.

- I paid for the dress,
the table...

- Oh, here we go.
- The eunuch.

And I need a soul for the box.

- Yeah, right, it's always about
the money with you, isn't it?

Your daughter has feelings.

How much are those worth?

- Why don't we use your soul,

Oh, right, you don't have one!

. Whose fault is that?

- Certainly not mine.

- It is yours.
- No, it isn't.

- It is yours.
- No, it isn't.

You signed in blood!

- Just stop!

Enough with the bickering.

I'll fill it.

- I got to get
to callie's event.

- What's the rush?

I'm sure she's already
the cabbie.

- She wasn't really
going through with that.

- I like living in a world
where you can believe that.

- Oh, grab his feet.

- Boy, he doesn't take no
for an answer.

I told you she had a soul.

- it's high school all over again.

- ♪ her soul's an "a" cup ♪

- Whoa, hold up.

- Callie, this is your soul?

I got to say,

That's pretty much the cutest
thing I've ever seen.

Plus, I think you're perfect
as you are

Or were.

- Get a room, ah!

Guess what, everyone.

I'm half human.

Deal with it.

And whoever thinks
I need to kill my guy

Just to fill a stupid box
can kiss my halfie ass!

- Halfie nation!

- We went to prom together.


- Pull the rope.

- Huh?


Oh, not good.

- This is the sweetest thing

Anyone's ever done
for me.

- May I have this dance?

- God damn it.
She gets everything.

- We all spend
a lot of time worrying

About what people expect
of us.

For some,
it can be an obsession.

But maybe we should all stop
worrying and have some fun,

Because you never know
when it all might end.

So we're not married,
are we?

- Don't be an idiot.

- Cucumber.