Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 12 - Trolling for Terror - full transcript

After Randall joins the cast of a sleazy reality show, the program's unbalanced producer becomes obsessed with Mark.

Some people think they know it all.


That they have all the answers.



I don't know.

I... don't... know.

Then I shall feast upon your bones!

Quagle, are you threatening
to eat people again?

That's your fourth
infraction this month.

I'm so sorry, sir.

He's a diversity hire.

That'll be $6.75.

And zip up your vest.

This is a work environment.

Sorry, mister.




What do you think about this one?

I think it's mine,
and I wish you were wearing pants.

None of your pants fit.

Randall, what's with the grooming?

This really conflicts with
your casual hobo look.

Can't do cas-hob tonight, dude.

I got into the night
terrors' house.

Night terrors. Wha?

Isn't this the reality
show where they throw...

a bunch of horny idiots
into a house together...

just so people can watch
them hook up and fight?

Vishnu has finally
answered my prayers.

How did you get on
this show anyway?

Audition tape.

I re-edited the video I made for
my job interview at the bank.

Randall, they said
it was impossible...

for someone with
so much charisma...

to be an unstoppable man God.

How did you prove them wrong?

It's all about my
four-part philosophy:

Strength fitness,

sex power,

dance aggression,



They're very lucky to have you.

Okay, everyone, we have a
new member joining us today.

Quagle, would you like
to introduce yourself?

If you wish to avoid demise,

you must conjure my
name within three tries.

Oh, great.

He's pulling a rumpelstiltskin.

Your name is quagle.

Mark said it, like,
five seconds ago.

You know, you might want...

to hold back on the
riddles, friend.

I got a riddle for you, skim.

Who's got no opposable digits
and gets laid every night?

This guy.

I have riddle too.

What tastes like terrible food?

It's my wife's cooking.

It really is not good.

It's really terrible.

Okay, why don't you
guys take it outside.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Look, there must be something...

you have in common with everyone.

What do you do for fun?

The answer to this riddle posed...

is how I keep so indisposed.

Is the answer to
that riddle, riddles?


Welcome, cast mates,

to the night terrors' house.

And here's your producer,

Clark dungaree.

Hey, there, superstars.

Are you ready to get real?


I'm on fire.

Jose, it happened again.

Thank you!

Take this down.

Idea for show: Pants on fire.

Two kids, one fire extinguisher.

Who will the parents choose?

Remind me later.

Yes, it is I, Clark dungaree,

producer of night terrors...

and america's oldest hooker.

We vetted thousands
of applications,

and you are the six most likely...

to make fools of yourselves
on national television.


Now, good reality tv is
about the three "f"s:

Fighting, Ing, and fight-Ing.

So with that in mind,

I encourage you to drink up,

Oh! Ah!

I'm a recovering alcoholic.

Seriously, start drinking.

I guess we shouldn't
be surprised...

he lives under a bridge.

Oh, I hope those aren't human.

Well, I don't understand.

Can't you afford a place
with the pay from your job?

Wait a minute.

Do you sleep on a pile
of uncashed paychecks?

Timminy, tomminy, tumminy, turr,

what pray tell is a paycheck, sir?

Enough with the riddles.

No, mark, I don't think
he knows what money is.

Now, frame this shot
for maximum bitchiness.

Oh, you smell like an Asian market.

All your toes look like big toes!

At least I have toes.

Hmm, galen,
I think your pixie dust...

is giving me a contact high.

Oh, Randall, I love
being alone with you.

Good, good, now, remember,

you are contractually
obligated to get weird.

You think all those paychecks...

would have gotten him more space.

When the cable guy said he'd
be here between 9:00 and 2:00,

I took him at his word.

Let's just cut out the middle man.


Now you get all the
channels for free,

and I do mean all the channels.

That's right. Explore your body.

Wait, I don't want to send
him the wrong message.

I'm just showing him how
the world really works.

Change the channel.

Tonight on night terrors...

I will stake you, bitch!

I totally have a crush on Randall,

but my dad would kill me if
he found out he's not Jewish.

Oh, I've never actually seen
Randall attack somebody before.

I better look into this.

Fine. I'll handle
rain man over there.

Hey, buddy. How you feeling?

I've got a kiefer
sutherland-grade hangover.

Did you see the show last night?

How did it look? How did I look?

It looked like you
broke through a door...

to attack someone.

Yeah, they got my sauced up...

and then locked all the bathrooms.

What was I gonna do?
Piss in the closet?

I mean, I did do that, but...

Why is society more obsessed
with these heightened,

manufactured situations than
they are with actual reality?

Because real life is stupid.

Why don't you come
by the set today,

and I'll prove it to you.

I swear on the life
of my future children,

Ethan and desiree,

you will never see me on that set.

I really shouldn't have
told you about this.

Night terrors is my favorite series,

right behind so you think
you can disembowel.

Mark lilly.

Great. Sign here.

Initial here. Thumbprint here.

Secondary thumbprint here.

And if I could just...

Ow! Hey!

Very good, sir.

You guys are real, right?


Wow, this is not as exciting...

as it is on television.

Camera 12! Camera 27!

Bathroom Cam!


Camera 12! Camera 12!


Cue jock jam!

All right.

Not sexy enough!

Cue sprinklers!

Oh, so wet in here.

Too sexy! Cue kitten "b" roll!

Too precious.

Cue leatherface!

Cue status quo!

And I was like,
"don't talk to me like that."

Cut. Rewind that back.

Now zoom in.

Is that Sheila yawning on my set?

Bring him to me.

Hey, where's my dramatic sting?

Oops, sorry, sir.

It's too late. The moment's passed.

How dare you come onto my set...

and make a craven
display of boredom!

I'm sorry.

I'm just here because
my girlfriend is a fan.

I've been in this business
for 20 years, mark.

If 400 series and 2 tons
of weapons-grade cocaine...

have taught me a anything,
it's this:

Everyone wants to be on my shows.

Well, not I.

Now, unhand me.

Go if you want.

But know this:
You signed away your rights...

when you came in
the building, mate.

I, mark lilly, consent
to let Clark dungaree...

videotape me wherever he wants...

and to use said footage
in perpetuity...

throughout the universe.

Hey, you took a blood sample?

I took a lot more than that, mark.


What? He's famous.

Quagle, I know the world
must seem like a scary place,

but by the time I'm
through with you,

you'll fit right in.

Hey, powers, that horse of yours...

didn't come through yesterday.

You owe vito 3,000 clams.

Carmine, hey, um...

I need a few more days.

Can I get an extension?

I don't know. Let's ask your knees.

Why? Why?

Whoa, that was close.

They almost touched actual leg.

Real world lesson
number one quagle,

get yourself a pair of fake knees,

and always stretch.

As you get older,
it's harder and harder...

to pin your calves to
the back of your thighs.

Are you writing this down?

Fake knees.


I hope you took note
of my pained screams.

Pure cowardice.

But you have to work up to
it if you want believability.

I practice twice a day.

The neighbors hate me.

Now jump!

I'm not paying any
insurance to these ass!


The guy shows classic signs...

of narcissistic
personality disorder.


This whole producing
thing is just a way...

for him to exercise his egomania.


Give someone like that
millions of dollars...

and a camera crew?

He could actually be
a danger to society.

You said it.

What did I miss?

The bean dip refused to set.

Grimes? What are you doing here?

We always watch night terrors
together, mark.

It's kind of our thing.


- You know it, girlfriend.
- Oh, great.

Tonight on night terrors,

she was falling for Randall,

but will a handsome stranger...

become galen's new
object of desire?

Oh, please don't let that be me.


Damn it! Hey!


How dare you flirt
with some stranger.

Wait, you know that's
not how it opened.

You were there.

Looked real to me.

Okay, evyone, today we're
going to talk about privacy.

It is the foundation
of a civil society.

Hey, mark lilly!

Prepare for an ass kicking
you can not prepare for.

Randall, what are you doing?

This is where I work.

Just roll with it, dude.

It's gonna be great for ratings.

You stole my girl!

The camera loves you.


What vocation accepted by choice...

requires aid of neither
foot nor voice?

I don't know. What?


He's referring to a hJob.

I liked it.

But that brings us to
lesson number three.

People are terrible.

Twayne, we really need to
beef up security around here.

Or we could keep things
exactly the way they are.



Now that's Australian for beer.

Hey, wait a minute.

Have you been talking to...

Indeed he has, mark.

Mr. bone raper here has
given my cameras...

full access to these premises.

In exchange for a percentage...

of the product-placement
revenue, naturally.

Mm, oh, pizza hut.

You truly are America's
favorite pizza.

Will you just leave me alone?

You can make this all
go away in an instant...

by just admitting that
the reality I create...

is better than the shabby,
real reality...

you live within.

Okay. Your reality is better.

No deal!

You're not getting out
of this that easy!


Hmm, that's new.

Callie, I'm sorry.
I can't talk right now.

I'm certain my phone
has been tapped.

Oh, you are crazy, mark.

It's complicated, okay?

They want me to teach you
to play by the "rules."

But there are no rules, man.

There are no rules,
only the rule of chaos!


Don't you see, quagle?

You can't rise above the cesspool.

You've got to conquer it!

And occasionally,
you have to run from the po-po.

Hit it.

♪ ♪...


What's that? Ha!

Yo! This guy's a scumbag over here.

♪ ♪...

hey, it's almost 10:30.

Quiet down. The show's gonna start!

On tonight's night terrors...

Well, let's see how they're...

misrepresenting my life this week.

Mark, when am I going
to see you again?

I'm sorry. I can't talk right now.

What's wrong,
is there someone else?

Look, it's complicated, okay?

Shh. Here comes me.

You stole my girl!

We interrupt this dreck to
bring you a breaking report.


Night terrors has been
canceled due...

to ongoing psychotic
episodes by Clark dungaree.

If you have information
on his whereabouts,

please contact the police.

This is not to be
confused with the show...

Clark dungaree's psychotic


Well, at least he's out of my life.

Shh. Shh-shh-shh-shh.

Sleep well, sweet prince.

You're going to need
all your strength...

to get through what
I have in store.


What's going on?

You have 30 seconds of
consciousness, mark.

So listen carefully.

By the time I'm done with you,

actual reality will
seem so mundane,

you won't be able to
stomach your real life.

You're... you're insane.

You want insane?

I once took a crap in a bag...

and sent it to a network,

an actual bag of crap!

They booked 24 episodes!

You want to blame someone, mark,

they created the monster
standing in front of you.

I always wondered where
bag of crap came...



What have you done to me?

Reverse liposuction, mark.

Your personal
weight-loss journey...

will touch the hearts of millions.

Listen, Clark.


You are clearly haunted...

by some sort of childhood trauma.

No time for that, mark.
Weigh-in is in 30 minutes.

Okay, let's get him pumped.

And save the fat.

I have a new idea for a show.

I dare you to eat that.

Were you bullied as a child?

Did your father withhold affection?

Wrong, and wrong again, mark.

I'm so happy.

Clark, I know you can hear me.

You have to trust me.

I'm a social worker.
This is what I do.


Maybe you just had a
really mundane childhood,

and now you feel the
need to compensate...

with all these
overproduced scenarios.

My God, mark.

You're right.

You're right about me.

I'm ready to go home now.

So this is where you grew up.

My father owned a paint
store called tones.

It only sold shades of beige.

My mother was a paper
clip distributor.

Back then, my name was...

Stan Grossman.

My reality was boredom,
and I hated them for it.

I invented the persona of...

Clark dungaree,

Australian megaproducer...

And left my old life behind.


Could that be you?

He came back. Stanley's home.

Hello, parents. It's been too long.

This just in.

Panic on the George
Washington bridge...

as a disgruntled former employee...

has threatened to blow himself up.

Revenge will be mine!

Oh, my God.

I got to do something.

The full resources of
Factor productions...

are at your disposal mark,
except for the private jet.

That's the set of my
newest show, jet brothel.

What the hell happened?

You had one job to do.

I don't get it.

I taught him everything I know.

Really, I've got a riddle for you.

What's big, ugly,
and about to be a bloodstain...

on the George Washington bridge?

Give me this.

Quagle, it's me, mark lilly.

You don't want to do this.

I hate you! I hate everybody!

Lookok, we owe you an apology.

We were trying to help you fit in,

but if there's one thing
I've learned this week,

it's that nothing good comes...

from trying to change who you are.

If you want to tell riddles
and live under a bridge,

that's okay.

I lost my job!

We'll find something
else for you to do.

You can write puzzles on
the backs of cereal boxes.

You have plenty to live for.

And cut!


Wonderful, just wonderful.

- Did I look good?
- Great job, sir.

Thank you, mark.

This is gonna make
beautiful television.


Can we try my line again?

I really think I can do better.

What about our breakthrough?

It was all part of my new tv show,

i'm going to With you, mark lilly.

It airs this march on spike.

But your parents...

Character actors, mark.

I made it all up.

So you really are Clark dungaree?

Nonsense, I'm the
third Clark dungaree.

The real Clark dungaree has
been retired for 15 years...

and living like a
king in patagonia.

One day, I too shall retire...

and pass the persona
on to someone new.

Perhaps to you, mark lilly.

Perhaps to you.


They say that
perception is reality.

But when you let
entertainers control...

how you perceive the world,

you can end up with a
pretty warped view...

of reality.

All I know is,
you shouldn't believe...

everything you see on television.

There's still one thing I don't
get about that whole situation.

How did Clark convince Quagle...

to participate in
that bridge stunt?

Quagle didn't care about money.

I don't know.
Everybody wants something.

Yeah, well, I hope
he found somewhere...

he can fit in.

Hi there, and welcome to
"Riddle me this",

the game show where
people solve riddles...

for cash and prizes.

I'm your host, quagle the troll.

Let's meet our contestants,
shall we?