Ugly Americans (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

A young man helps supernatural creatures adapt to life in the city.

See you in hell, mortal scum.

You know that time when
you've just moved to the city

and you take the first apartment
you find on craigslist

with some dude
you never expected?

That's where
my story begins.

The door was unlocked.

Oh, my God!

You'retill banging
that demon chick?

I thought someone was getting
murdered in here last nigh.

Yeah, yeah, Callie
has some hostility issues.

Oh, you think?

My friend ray chewed off
a guy's ball bag once,

And that whole process
was less noisy.

Would you mind unhinging
the bedposts, please?

I can get somebody out there
Friday between 9:00 and 9:00.

Can you narrow
that time frame a little?

Buddy, I got zombies
putting arms through doors

All over Manhattan.

Take it or leave it.


What part of "Friday
is african dance class"

Do you not get?

Randall and I were in the
same boat as far as women went.

He'd "gone zombie"
a few months back

For all the wrong reasons.

I really like you,

But I kind of only
date zombies, so...

Sorry, I'm just really
into warlocks now.

Never make life decisions
with a hard-on

And a fifth of tequila.


What do you got
going on today?

Thought I'd stare
blankly ahead

with cold, dead eyes
for a while, how I do.

Maybe check out
Kung Fu Panda.

Oh, by the way,

This thing that you
got going with Callie,

It's none of my business.


It's just that I wouldn't
touch her with my [bleep],

and it's dead, so...

You have a little...

Milk? Little bit
of milk probably?

No, skin.

Did I get it?

Yeah, you're good.

He was right,
of course.

Sleeping with the boss,
never a great idea.

In my defense,
she's hot,

And our parts match up.

That's rarer than you'd think
in this city.

Things are pretty
hairy in Soho

with continued congestion
due to the yeti convention.

Avoid midtown as well,

Which is still backed up
from a land-whale collision

Earlier this morning.

they can't drive.

You know, my sister married
one of them blowholes last year.

Now every thanksgiving,

We have to spend
with his blood clot rats.

Last night was an
enormous mistake, Mark.

Expect no special treatment

Just because
you've seen my cooch.

And a good morning
to you too.

Callie, who are you talking
to about your cooch?

I said "scooch". Tape. Scooch
tape, sir. It's maintenance.

Get me my scooch tape, Maggot!

Granted, not the most
nurturing relationship,

But the way I figure,

If you like it normal,
why bother coming to new york?

Hey, buddy,
maybe a diaper here?

Suck my balls.

Hey, I hear
that's good luck.

Okay, people,
eyes up front.

Not you,
three eyes.

We've all heard about cutbacks.
Here's how it breaks down.

We're going to borrow just
a tad from social services

In order to fully fund
law enforcement.

Where is the other bar?

I know. It's really hard
to make that visible.

The you are.


- Do I still have a job?
- No.

Other questions?

Then, lieutenant Grimes,

Round up 20 illegal immigrants
by day's end,

And our office wins
a bonus ham.

Illegals are the disease,

And I'm the cure, sir.

Um, excuse me.

But aren't quota
systems illegal?

Who is he again?

Mark Lilly, sir,
from social services,

Our token bleeding heart.

Don't want to
make waves here.

I just thought we
were supposed to be

helping new citizens assimilate,
not treating them like criminals.

No. I'm mock clapping.

- As am I.
- No, you aren't.

You're going for that slow,
building applause thing,

Like all those
'80s movies.

There's virtually no
difference in our claps.

Stop clapping,
both of you.

You rubber-stamp immigrants
into the workforce.

Grimes sends them back
where they came from.

Did I miss something?

No, sir.
Sound logic.

Do you know what
makes me sick?

Prius drivers?

No, I applaud the prius
and all low-emission vehicles.

The environment
affects all of us.

What makes me sick is him,

Getting all gay
with the immigrants.

What did they ever
do to you, anyway?

You see that?
No, you don't.

Lost it
in a rastillian riot.

No kneecap.

Why, thanks ever so
much, Mr. Werewolf.

My foreskin was bitten
off by a creature,

and I don't even
know what it was.

I've lost five partners
and a wife,

the only friend
I've ever known,

to these things.

And I hate mexican food.

Even chalupas?

Wait! That's mexican?
I love those!

What do I hate, then?
Armenians, that's it!

Okay, guys, yeah,

Top brass has slashed our
budget and left us to rot,

but I say we get out there
and we prove them wrong.

Mark, they've all
been laid off.

You were supposed to get
their security passes.

So carry what I just sad

To your new places
of employment.

That was totally
audible, Garrison.

Sucks being you,
huh, choirboy?

Excellent debasing, Callie.

Now finish it.

That's how I like it.

Pissing where
you mix the potions?

Pretty much.

Been there.

Good times.

Look at all these files.

I am totally screwed.

We'll split them, okay?

Straight down the middle.

You're the best, Leonard.

Go make me proud, kiddo.


So I thought it
might be helpful

if we share our problems
and questions

in a group setting
from now on.

I heard you were
slapping us together

Just to save time.

It's not true.

Of course it's true.

The great brain knows all.

He heard you
in men's room.

He's in there all day.

You don't know me.

No, he's right.

The department
has been slashed.

But I can still provide you

With what you need
to become U.S. citizens.

Uh, yes, Lefty?


Sorry. Still learning
the names here.

We keep getting
counted as two people.

Clearly one entity.

I'm marking it
in your file.

Yeah, related question.

Are there any double-ass
toilets in Manhattan?

I know for a fact Wendy's
midtown is double-ass accessible.

I'll get you the comprehensive
list after class.

- Righteous.
- Oh, tubular.

Yes, Marguerette?

I wish to make anger
toward the robots...

Oh, here we go!

For taking our legal jobs.

In my country,
we call them the toilet bowl,

For this is the place
we relieve ourselves of waste.

I take issue with that.

Don't forget to take
tissue with that, toilet.

Oh, snap, she
served your ass.

Robots are not the
enemy here, okay, people?

And, whatever you
are in the back,

we have more in
common than not.

- Mr. Lilly, a word.
- Okay.

The state department
requires me

to pay you all a visit
at your new job,

- so I will see you this afternoon.
- I hear he's schtupping the boss.

The innocent ones always
have a taste for danger.

Stop being such a boy scout
and process the numbers.

Twayne is ready
to fire you as it is.

I thought you didn't want
to do this anymore.

Because I said so?

Oh, Mark, so innocent!

I just want to...

And drag you
through the bowels of hell.

What's wrong?

- The demon voice?
- No, no, just...

Just takes a little
getting used to.

But we're still on
for hell tonight, right?

Because I'm gonna do things
to you down there

That will rock your world.

In hell.

Oh, right! Sure.

Sounds like a kick.

Why don't you kids
get a room?

Ever heard of knocking?

How would you propose
that I knock, exactly?

Oh, I know!

I'll just knock with my
spongy brain lining.

That ought to make
quite a racket.

Here, listen!

Ah, well, that's
a mood killer.

All right, if they're
on the fence,

push them over.

If they ain't illegal,
bend some thumbs.

See what happens.

We need 20 scumbags
by the end of today.

Oh, one more thing!
I love you guys.

I wish I could believe that!

- Where's he going? - Said he's
going to collect some garbage.

Oh, I'm just
getting that now.

An army to put
them away.

Two of us
to save their lives.

Just one, actually.

I've got my kid's
soccer practice.

- I told you that.
- Leonard, you don't have kids.

Oh, no?

Then who are these?

Satchel plays violin.

Phoebe's taking up tennis.

You want me to conjure
up some home movies?

I could do this all day.

Fine, I'll go it alone.

Got to admit.
The kid's got grit.

He's gonna get
eaten alive out there.

What did I just say?
Did I call that or what?

When you're right, you're
right. Release him, Burt!

The powers of the hidden
realm demand it.

Now you know how it
feels to be chewed up

and spit out by
the system, man.


I am gonna need a fast
change of clothes here.

One at a time here.
I only have two heads.

Deep breaths, Martin.
You're doing great.

- Grande.
- Where are the lids?

- Vanilla chai.
- Soy latte.

Venti is large.

Gingerbread lattes
are seasonal.

Now, that's what
I call fried chicken.

Barbecue's ready.

Is new U.S. citizen,

just like me.

Who's a U.S. citizen?

You are.

Why he pinch
baby's vagina?

- Is not cool, Mark.
- You want relish with this?

I want information
with this, Tiko.

And, yes,
relish would be nice.

Maybe if I had
some motivation,

I'd remember something.


Don't push your luck.

I'm not made of q-tips.

All right, major
squid infestation,

chelsea piers.

I got my ears
to the ground, bro.

I'll be the judge of that.

No, I mean literally. Things
crawl in there all the time.

It's a problem.

Man, back home,

I was part of a vastly
intelligent superorganism

In charge of the continuation
of our species.

I thought you
were from Toronto.

That's right.

are way more advanced.

We invented bacon.

I'm not sure
that's accurate.

Don't scratch
the counters.

Are you gonna talk,

or are you gonna
keep sucking air?

Airboarding is illegal.

I got all turned around.

It's that underground sonar
equipment they're using now.

Right. It's always
big oil's fault.

- How many do we have?
- I think 20.

But he has at least
three mollusks attached,

so I don't know
if that counts.

What is this?

Billy? Do you
have your papers?

All right, hands off!

That is a U.S. citizen.

I know they all look the
same to you, Grimes.

I happen to have been
at this squid's bar mitzvah.


Little boys better be careful, not to
get dumped in the river themselves.

I don't scare
that easily, Grimes.

- Hello?
- Mark? Mark, it's Randall.

- I'm in big trouble, buddy.
I need your help. - Slow down, pal.

Where are you?

24 east 14th.
Please hurry!

Okay, look,
I'm on my way.

Just stay calm!

Which one looks better,
clefted or classic?

I'm leaning classic
right now,

because, like, clefted looks
like a dude's ass, doesn't it?

You called me
down here for this?

Hey, it's either you

or this chick behind the counter
that keeps yelling at me.

You can't take those out
of the box before purchase.

Besides, you're the one at has
to look at this all day, not me.

I don't have
time for this.

I'll take that as
a vote for classic.

Chin cleanup, aisle two.

I'm proud to say

my case files are
all checking out.

You can tell twayne

I'm really making
a difference out here.

I'm marching into his
office as we speak.

Mr. Lilly?

I don't think
I belong here.

You're doing great
down there, Tyler.

Look at that squeegee form.

You're a natural.

What's his password?

I believe it's

All lowercase.

Gay password.

Oh, we're in.

Wait, did you just give
someone my password?

No worries! Callie wanted to
rifle through your computer files

for troubled cases.

It's fine.

That is so not fine, Leonard.

Mark, I'm a wizard,
not a mind reader.

Try "Tyler Mason".

"Tyler Mason".

Lieutenant Grimes,

I think we may have found
your 20th.

Sit tight, chalupa.

Daddy will be
right back.

Oh, man, that's hot.

She tapped into my computer
wcan you believe that?

She's the spawn of satan.
What do you expect?

Dude, you really are
demon whipped.

I know. I'm going
to hell as we speak.

I might lose you,
by the way.


I'm getting ready
for tonight's flaplap,

and you're still
dicking around with this?

I can't believe
you're complaining

while sitting
in a day spa.

Man, I would kill
for your life.

Yeah, just got a new chin,
and now they're doing the legs.

Got to stay fresh
for e ladies, right?

Wow, four bars.

You still there?


Look, she promised you, like,

the hottest sex
of your life, right?

In so many words.

So go deep, at least.

Hit all the walls.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Not really, no.

Well, she will.
Trust me.

Okay, we're done here.

Hold on!
What about the other leg?

The ad said 200 dollars
for a leg graft.

Each leg.
200 dollars more.

Fine, just do it!

This place
is a total rip-off.

You know what?
Can I get that in a doggie bag?

Uh, Callie,
I would like to...

Do the deepness with you.

He's saying that he wants
to hit all the walls.

Daddy, this is Mark.

I want to throw up.

Sir, your table is ready.

Is this your fourth?

Let's get this over with.

And we have an
unbaptized baby arm soup

With a playful
raspberry coulis.

I'm going with
the breadsticks.

Those are also baby arms.

I'll take another
lap over here.

So, Callie, how's population
control coming?

The master plan is being
implemented gradually.

Twayne, of course, would prefer
to vaporize the lot of them.

Hah, then Brooke and I'd
never get a table in here.

Aw, that Twayne!

Now, there is a demon
you should get in bed with.

- Daddy!
- It's true.

Of course, there's
nothing wrong

with showing a
little compassion.


Right on, brother.

Who let this
ass[bleep] in here?

You're aware that
you're in hell, yes?

Jackson, I didn't know you
were dead! Excuse us, please.

Nice choice on the
latest wife, daddy.

Can't wait to meet
the next one.

You didn't tell me that your
father was going to be here.

What is this?

He really hates your guts.

I'm so hot for you right now.

There's that face again.
Am I repulsive to you?

No, it's just... Look,
my students trust me,

and your rummaging through
their lives, it's unprofessional.


You placed a zombie at the
mbd as a window washer.

Yes, Tyler Mason. First job
as an undead american.

It was a great moment.

Do you even know
what mbd stands for?

building of... No.

So you're a zombie.

So let's quit?

So let's just eat brains now?

Come on, man,
you're bigger than this.



Stop it.

This is all about your dad.

I hate him so much!

What is with you guys
and the door splintering?

I don't know.

Look, just put
the brains down,

And we'll walk out of here,
you and me.

Yeah, come on, man.
Let's hug it out.

- He's going for the brains.
- Take him out.

Oh, great!

The ladies
are gonna love this.

Hold your fire.

We're comin' out.

And that makes 20,
my new favorite number.

Favorite number, 20.

Great work, Mr. Lilly.

But I totally screwed up.

Exactly, your

allowed Grimes
to fill our quota.

And now we feast.

Ah, ham, nature's candy.

I think you saved one tonight.

My fault he was there
in the first place.

You've got to detach
yourself from the process.

I mean, look at me.

I'm not even here
right now.

Oh, wait!
Then where are you?

I'm just putting
out a few fires.

The work never
stops, does it?

- Keep your chin up. - You're
right. I should be more positive.

Good. Now mash
those breasts together.

Wait. What?

Oh, I thought you
were talking to me.

You're a naughty, naughty girl,
aren't you?

Maybe turn your
hologram off or...

I don't know how that works.

That t-shirt
is dripping wet.

I'm gonna go.

Shake it off, brah.

The night is young,

And this joint
is crawling with cilf.

Check out fun bags
on your six.

Um, wait!
One more time?

I said a vodka tonic
and a long straw, please.

Can you believe this?

My skin's falling
off like osso buco,

and she's all over me.

You want to nail
her with me?

It is literally anything that
moves with you, isn't it?

What are you,
still on Callie?

Dude, you hopped off
that meat bus 12 hours ago.

Be in the now.

Get... Out.

All right, fine, more
face 'Gina for me, then.

That was a major
screw-up, Lilly.

I know. Poor Tyler.

I need to read the manual
way more carefully

Or at all, actually.

I meant picking up girls

The night
after we sleep together.

You're lucky
I don't turn your [bleep]

into a bag of
marshmallows right now!

I'd like to see
that, actually.

Look, Callie, I'm flattered
and terrified and all that.

I just don't think
this is working out.

I'm a social worker.

You eat souls for fun.

We couldn't be a worse match
if we tried.

Frankly, I live in constant fear
that you're gonna murder me.

You always know
just what to say.

So that's pretty much
life in the big apple:

Overworked and underpaid,

Looking for love
in all the wrong places,

And, more times than not,

Working for a
total douche nozzle.

Must be why everyone
keeps coming here.

A little help.

You got a filthy mouth,
you know that?