Tyler Perry's Assisted Living (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Pilot 101 - full transcript
Jeremy and his family arrive at an assisted living facility in Atlanta to visit his Grandpa Vinny; the Wilson family is shocked by who and what they find at the facility.
- Ooh, baby, what is this place?
- This look like some
bull... up in here.
- Ah, there's... everywhere.
- Is that a rat?
- Wha?
- Oh, oh! My chin, baby.
- I'm sorry.
- Damn.
- Where are we?
- Is this how y'all treat
Grandpa?
- Okay, this is your
grandfather's nice home.
- Mm-hmm, now we know what
to do when you guys get old.
- I'll...
- SANDRA: Mm-hmm.
- We gonna drop
y'all right here.
- Boy, I wish you would
try to drop me somewhere.
- Calm down, Dad,
don't be so hostile.
- I got scared for a second.
- I mean, Mom, Dad, how much
are y'all paying for this place?
- Are we paying for this place?
Well, let's not focus on that,
let's focus on the beauty
of that drive, right?
- That was a long...
- Hey!
I'm the only one that
say "ass" in this house.
- That's right.
- Yeah, that was
a long-ass ride.
- It was a long-ass drive.
- Excuse me, gotta
go to the bathroom.
- Baby, there was
one by the door.
I think you should
go try to find it.
- Say what?
- Are you sure?
- Are y'all tripping?
- What?
- This place looks haunted.
- It is not haunted.
- Didn't a whole bunch
of old people die here?
- That's why there's a graveyard
across the street.
Mm.
- Go... go.
Go, go, go, help your
sister find a bathroom!
Get out of here, go! - Okay.
But if I don't come back,
just bury me in that graveyard
with the old people.
- Yeah, with your phone,
I'm sure.
- Yeah, but get a great shot
for the Gram
so I can at least get
some followers when I'm dead.
Come on.
- Uh, b-b-baby, it does look
a little rundown in here.
- Rundown? This... is tore up.
- Yeah, and you said your
grandfather lives here?
- Yeah.
- How?
When was the last time
you came to visit him?
- When my grandmother died.
- It's been that long?
- Mm-hmm.
- VINNY: Uh!
- Ah!
- That be two years,
six months, four hours,
and three days.
Hook me, son. [laughs]
Hook me, Leah.
- I... I'll pass.
- Where them little
naughty-head bastards at?
- Grandpa, are you
talking about my children?
- Yeah, them little rugrats.
- Hey, don't talk
about my kids like that.
- [laughs] Shit, you the one
call them that...
- Honey, do you?
- Well, nah, no,
no, I said... no, not that.
- [laughs]
- You know I love them.
- Well, where are they?
- They went to the bathroom.
- Oh, I'll be damned.
- Why you say that?
- Uh, never mind.
- Did you find it?
- Yeah, but there's
no running water.
- And a bucket where
the toilet used to be.
There is no way...
- JEREMY: What?
- Grandpa, what is going on?
And where is everybody?
- Well, you ain't gonna believe
this..., but check it out.
The health department... take a
look... closed this place down,
and I'm the only
one living here.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Whoa, wait, Pop,
you here by yourself?
- Yes, sir.
- Ah, no, I'm calling
the police, man.
That's elderly abuse.
- No, no, no,
I might get arrested.
- What?
- For murder.
- What?
- I'll hook the... with this.
- ♪
♪ No matter what you
do, I love you ♪
♪ No matter where you go,
I'm behind you for sure ♪
♪ Always remember,
no matter where you are ♪
♪ We'll make it if
we stay together ♪♪
- ♪
- Alright now, Grandpa.
Wait, what are you
talking about, man?
- Yeah, I don't know, boy.
- Is he slipping?
- You know, you can never tell
with these old people.
- Hey, stop it.
- But it's true.
- Grandpa Vinny...
what you talking about?
- Well, uh... a couple
mofos died in this mofo.
- [laughs] I'm sure a
lot of people died here.
This is literally a place
where old people go to die.
- BOTH: [laughs]
- Hey, stop it.
- I mean, I'm getting
older by the second.
Do I need Botox?
A little wrinkle...
- No, uh...
- Grandpa, are you okay?
- Hell yeah, I got diabetes,
beat cancer,
and I'm still here.
That's why I got one...
- Okay, man, alright,
enough about your...
Are you okay? - Uh-uh-uh,
not... s-s-s.
....
Don't disrespect the
singularity, boy.
Yeah, I'm fine, why you ask?
- Well, why you think
you murdered somebody?
- Well, I don't think.
I know.
I hooked that...
- Ain't that what he said?
- [chuckles]
- Oh, he got that old people
"I forget everything" disease.
- BOTH: [laughing]
- I am warning you two.
- Ssh, don't get me grounded.
You know she likes
to take phones away.
- And I will right now.
- I don't have mine. Do you...
- Me neither.
- I left it in the car.
- Mm-hmm.
- Alright, Grandpa.
Cut the crap, man,
what's going on?
- Okay. [clears throat]
The year was 1947.
Satchel Paige was playing
football for
the American White People
...League.
- What are you talking about?
- History,...
- Hey, do not use that
language in front of...
- Them... no...
- LEAH: Grandpa...
- BOTH: [laughing]
- Okay, let's see, um, there
was seven of us here, right?
Then one person died, and
then another person died,
then another pers... that was
3 people died in 20 minutes.
Just bam, bam, bam
dead, just like that.
Then the health department
brought their ass in here
for some reason and
shut the place down.
Now, the old lady who was
working, before she died,
she sold the place.
And here we are.
- Who is we?
- Well, uh, me and my plants.
- What?
- Yeah, well, don't tell nobody,
but I grow weed in the backyard
behind the dumpster.
I got a... - Grandpa,
that's illegal, man.
- Boy, that ain't illegal.
I got a license
in here somewhere.
- You do not have a
license to grow weed, man.
- Yes, I do have a license, boy.
Show what I'm talking about.
I got it from... I got it
from a one-eyed rapper.
We was in business together.
- That's Fetty Wap, mm-hmm.
- Fetty Wap.
- No, no, his name was Wink.
- [chuckles]
- I don't care what his name
is, man, that's illegal.
- Not here in Colorado.
- Wait, wait, wait,
ain't we in Georgia?
- Minor details.
...your map, son.
- Grandpa, are you trying
to go to jail or what?
- Boy, if I go to jail,
they'll tear my ass up.
I can't even wipe
with this thing.
[sniffs] That's funky. - Ew.
- [gags]
- [laughs]
- Yeah, he definitely slipping.
Slipping. - Mm, for real.
- Keep it up.
- Uh, she's gonna
take away my phone.
- Okay, no see, I'm gonna
have it disconnected.
- Uh, you know that
is the death of me.
- Well, then stop it.
- I won't say another word.
- Thank you.
- Well, I don't know why you're
worried.
There's no reception out here.
- Wait, what?
- Yep.
- No, what about the Wi-Fi?
- Nope.
- What the hell?
- Oh, I wish you would!
I wish you would! - Oh!
- [screaming]
Baby, I'm
dirty, I'm dirty, I'm dirty.
- I'm sorry.
- Why the hell these...
Keep asking for waffles?
They're making me hungry.
All this weed I done smoked.
- Grandpa, it's Wi-Fi.
- Why the... do I care?
- Grandpa!
- Oh, oh, you talking
about the internets.
- Yes. What literally all people
have in this day and age.
- [chuckles] Well, you know,
back in my day,
what we had...
- Yeah, yeah, we know,
we know, two cans and string.
- Let me ask you something, son.
What one of these kids you
don't give a damn about?
- It's you.
- Yeah, my son.
- 'Cause I'll kill
his ass for ya.
[laughs]
- JEREMY: Alright, y'all stop.
- You better tell him.
- Hold on, hold on,
hold on, Grandpa.
Look, we need to get back to
the subject at hand, okay?
- I'll be damned, did she
just say the subject at hand?
Boy, you two-handed people
make my ass sick.
That's me giving you the finger.
- Grandpa, look, man,
nobody's supposed to leave you
here alone,
I'm calling the police.
I want the owner arrested.
- No, the hell you don't!
- Yes, I do.
- [chuckles] Grandson,
do you love me?
What the hell take you so long?
- I had to think about
it, yeah, I love you, man.
- Okay, well, then
don't do that.
- Why not?
- Let's just say if you
love me, you wouldn't do it.
- No, I'm calling them
because I love you.
- What your dad trying to
do is turn me into the man!
- Man, what are
you talking about?
- No, Grandpa, listen.
He's right, okay?
- Then don't let
his ass do that.
- No, okay, we need to
call the authorities.
- Well, I'll be damned.
Did she just say "authorities"?
- Yes, she did.
- Okay, what black woman
married to a black man
in this day and time uses
the word "authority"?
- I guess this one.
Hurt your hand
again, didn't you?
Squats, baby. - [giggles]
- Buns of steel.
- Mom and Dad, gross!
- No, no, Grandpa, I'm calling...
- No, no, no!
- Why not?
- Okay, you want
the owner arrested?
- Yes.
- The real damn owner?
- Yes, man.
- Yes!
- You want his ass locked up?
- Yes.
- Yes, you shouldn't be
here alone like this, man.
This is wrong.
- Well, damn it, that's me.
- What?
- I'm the owner.
- What?
- Yeah!
- No, no, you did what?
- I got a hook hand,
but your ass can't hear.
- No, man, I can hear, I'm just
trying to make sure
I heard what I thought I heard.
- I bought the place.
- How?
- With money, dumbass!
- Grandpa, how did you buy it?
- Well, okay, you know
that stuff they call money?
That you use to
exchange stuff with?
If you have a girl over,
you leave like maybe 100,
then you say,
"That's way too much,"
so you take 50
back... and then you says,
"My wife and hand sanitizer
in the other room,
and get your ass up
before my wife get here."
- Please don't talk like
that in front of my kids.
- Are you really
saying this to me?
- I can't believe your ass.
Are you really asking
me what "bought" is?
- Babe, you better get him
before I bust him
in the head. - Don't do it.
Don't do it, babe, don't do it.
You got it, you got it.
- Just one hook, but
I can hear you,...!
- Grandpa, I was
not asking you that.
- Okay, then what
was you asking me?
- Grandpa, you know
what I'm saying.
- Tell your daddy
I bought the place.
- Dad! He bought the place!
- Boy, I know what he's
saying, don't play with me!
What are you talking about?
- Again, I bought it.
- With what money?
- Uuuuuh...
let's see, uh...
ah...
well, what would have
been your inheritance.
- Ain't this some...?
- Honey, honey, honey,
it's okay, it's okay.
- No, no, that money was
supposed to be for the kids.
- It's okay, it's okay, it's
okay, baby, it's okay.
- Wait, that money was
supposed to be for us?
- Oh! Oh, hell...
- Sshh, ssh, sssh.
- PHILIP: Oh, check it.
- Boy!
You couldn't wait for your
old grandmomma to die.
She was an old, amazing...
- Grandpa!
- No, man, she couldn't
...a blimp.
- BOTH: [laughs]
- JEREMY: Grandpa!
- Grandpa, please, I asked you
to stop talking about stuff
like that in front of my kids.
- I'm talking about
riding on the blimp.
They saw your grandmomma
with her big ass.
Her big ol' ass.
Nice ass.
Hook that ass.
- Get your Granddaddy.
- Stop talking about my
grandmother like that.
- No, go on and say it.
You glad your grandmomma dead.
- That is not true.
I loved Grandma.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- Well, here's a shocker.
Newsflash.
She left me the money to
give to your... ass daddy.
And I bought the place.
- Why would you do that?
- Because.
- What?
- Because you're a spoiled brat.
- Grandpa.
- Boy, the only reason you
brought your ass to Colorado
was to get money.
- We're in Georgia.
- Again.
- Didn't I tell you
about them punk-ass maps?
Stop listening to white people.
The Earth is flat!
- Oh my gosh.
- He clearly did
not go to school.
- Look, what you saying about
me not loving Grandma
is not true.
- Boy, everybody know
you up there struggling.
- Yeah, that may be so, but...
- Word is you out there shaking
that ass for a piece of change.
- So that's why he
was doing them squats.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Wow.
- I came here...
- To get money.
- No, I came here...
- Look, I don't care why we
come here, where is the Wi-Fi?
I'm getting itchy.
- She... she kinda getting... she
kinda getting depressed
over this. - Shhhh-uh!
- Grandpa!
- Ah, ah!
Beating an old man with a hook
in his hand, heaven help you.
- ♪
- ♪
- I'm sorry, man.
- No, you're not.
- I am.
- No, you're not!
- I said I am.
- No, you're not!
- How many times are we gonna
go through this, Grandpa?
- I turned my hearing aid
down, you can talk all night.
- I came here 'cause I love you.
- Bull...!
Bull...!
- I do.
- Why don't you just
go on back to Chicago?
- You can't stay here.
- Why not?
- Not in a place like this.
- Boy, this is
the lap of luxury.
Got everything I need.
- Man, you cannot be serious.
- Yes, I am serious.
Now leave me the hell
alo... ooh, this coffee's hot,
burning my... burning my hook.
Now leave me the hell alone!
- Baby, we cannot
leave him here.
- Yes, we can.
- I said... hush.
- But you don't understand.
- Sandra, really!
Okay, please.
- Hey, she giving you that look.
- What look?
- That look that says
she's really serious.
Or maybe that's her
"I have crabs" look.
- Both of you are
on very thin ice.
- You know what?
I should just go on and die
without Wi-Fi or cell service.
Can you hear me now?
'Cause I'll be six feet under.
- Go out to the car,
little girl.
Go out to the car and wait.
- Fine.
- Go!
Both of y'all!
[groans]
Uh, baby. - Baby.
Baby, why would he be here?
- 'Cause you know he's stubborn.
- Yeah, I know.
- Well...
- I mean, but
look at this place.
- Yeah, well, you know...
I wanted to talk to you
about that.
- What?
- Well, what do you think
about us moving back here?
- What do you mean?
- I mean, moving
back to Georgia.
You know, like...
- Oh, you mean Colorado?
- Okay, we... we... we
could move in here.
We could... we could
redo the place, right?
- Baby.
- No, no, no, no, no.
With your degree and mine,
we could move in here
and make this thing work.
- But we don't know nothing
about running a living facility.
- We ain't knew nothing
about raising babies either,
but we did alright
at raising them.
- Are you talking
about Queen and Slim?
Baby, baby. - Yeah, yeah.
- Those are kids.
- I know.
- We talking about old people.
- Okay, well, that's kind
of like the same thing.
Oh Lord, I know, look
at your granddaddy.
- JEREMY:
Yeah, yeah, you are so right.
- Baby, you think
they got fleas here?
- At least roaches.
- 'Cause he's scratching a lot.
- Baby, baby, you
gonna scratch...
You gonna scratch... you
gonna scratch
your tracks out. - Okay, okay.
- Yeah, pat it.
Ooh, ooh, that
just turned me on.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, it felt like your ass.
- Stop. Look, okay, alright,
we can move in here, we can make
some money, baby.
So what do you say?
- You really wanna move here
and try to take this on?
- Uh, I mean it is
your inheritance now.
- Yeah.
We might make it work,
but them kids gonna die.
- No.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, they're
gonna have to be.
You wanna know why?
- Why?
- 'Cause I'm standing by my man.
- Yeah.
- And I love you so much, baby.
- You love me?
- Mm-hmm. Mm.
- Mmm.
- I love you too, baby.
- Well, all be damned, dancing.
Your ass still here?
- [laughs] Grandpa.
- Take your ass home.
- [whispers] We are home.
- ♪
- ♪
- Baby, this is gonna be good.
- I'm so glad you're
excited about it.
- Yeah.
Yeah, this is all your idea.
- Yeah, it is.
- My baby be thinking.
- Mm-hmm. [laughs]
- So go tell Grandpa.
- Ooh, no, I thought you was
talking about telling the kids.
- Baby, baby, listen...
- Ah-ah-ah.
- Look, this is your idea.
- No, no, no, no, I'll take
my chance with the kids.
- Baby, listen.
- Hmm?
- This was your idea,
and he likes you.
- Uh, no, he don't.
- How you know that?
- 'Cause at our wedding he
had a whole sign that said,
"Don't marry that..."
- [laughs] Oh, yeah,
yeah, I do remember that.
- Why you smiling?
- No, baby, you know
that... was funny.
- [laughing] No.
So go tell him.
- Alright, okay.
Alright, fine.
- Okay, thank you, baby.
I love you.
- Pop-Pop!
Leah got something
she wanna tell you!
- Jeremy! No!
- ♪
- VINNY: That... ain't
got nothing to say to me.
♪
- ♪
- This look like some
bull... up in here.
- Ah, there's... everywhere.
- Is that a rat?
- Wha?
- Oh, oh! My chin, baby.
- I'm sorry.
- Damn.
- Where are we?
- Is this how y'all treat
Grandpa?
- Okay, this is your
grandfather's nice home.
- Mm-hmm, now we know what
to do when you guys get old.
- I'll...
- SANDRA: Mm-hmm.
- We gonna drop
y'all right here.
- Boy, I wish you would
try to drop me somewhere.
- Calm down, Dad,
don't be so hostile.
- I got scared for a second.
- I mean, Mom, Dad, how much
are y'all paying for this place?
- Are we paying for this place?
Well, let's not focus on that,
let's focus on the beauty
of that drive, right?
- That was a long...
- Hey!
I'm the only one that
say "ass" in this house.
- That's right.
- Yeah, that was
a long-ass ride.
- It was a long-ass drive.
- Excuse me, gotta
go to the bathroom.
- Baby, there was
one by the door.
I think you should
go try to find it.
- Say what?
- Are you sure?
- Are y'all tripping?
- What?
- This place looks haunted.
- It is not haunted.
- Didn't a whole bunch
of old people die here?
- That's why there's a graveyard
across the street.
Mm.
- Go... go.
Go, go, go, help your
sister find a bathroom!
Get out of here, go! - Okay.
But if I don't come back,
just bury me in that graveyard
with the old people.
- Yeah, with your phone,
I'm sure.
- Yeah, but get a great shot
for the Gram
so I can at least get
some followers when I'm dead.
Come on.
- Uh, b-b-baby, it does look
a little rundown in here.
- Rundown? This... is tore up.
- Yeah, and you said your
grandfather lives here?
- Yeah.
- How?
When was the last time
you came to visit him?
- When my grandmother died.
- It's been that long?
- Mm-hmm.
- VINNY: Uh!
- Ah!
- That be two years,
six months, four hours,
and three days.
Hook me, son. [laughs]
Hook me, Leah.
- I... I'll pass.
- Where them little
naughty-head bastards at?
- Grandpa, are you
talking about my children?
- Yeah, them little rugrats.
- Hey, don't talk
about my kids like that.
- [laughs] Shit, you the one
call them that...
- Honey, do you?
- Well, nah, no,
no, I said... no, not that.
- [laughs]
- You know I love them.
- Well, where are they?
- They went to the bathroom.
- Oh, I'll be damned.
- Why you say that?
- Uh, never mind.
- Did you find it?
- Yeah, but there's
no running water.
- And a bucket where
the toilet used to be.
There is no way...
- JEREMY: What?
- Grandpa, what is going on?
And where is everybody?
- Well, you ain't gonna believe
this..., but check it out.
The health department... take a
look... closed this place down,
and I'm the only
one living here.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Whoa, wait, Pop,
you here by yourself?
- Yes, sir.
- Ah, no, I'm calling
the police, man.
That's elderly abuse.
- No, no, no,
I might get arrested.
- What?
- For murder.
- What?
- I'll hook the... with this.
- ♪
♪ No matter what you
do, I love you ♪
♪ No matter where you go,
I'm behind you for sure ♪
♪ Always remember,
no matter where you are ♪
♪ We'll make it if
we stay together ♪♪
- ♪
- Alright now, Grandpa.
Wait, what are you
talking about, man?
- Yeah, I don't know, boy.
- Is he slipping?
- You know, you can never tell
with these old people.
- Hey, stop it.
- But it's true.
- Grandpa Vinny...
what you talking about?
- Well, uh... a couple
mofos died in this mofo.
- [laughs] I'm sure a
lot of people died here.
This is literally a place
where old people go to die.
- BOTH: [laughs]
- Hey, stop it.
- I mean, I'm getting
older by the second.
Do I need Botox?
A little wrinkle...
- No, uh...
- Grandpa, are you okay?
- Hell yeah, I got diabetes,
beat cancer,
and I'm still here.
That's why I got one...
- Okay, man, alright,
enough about your...
Are you okay? - Uh-uh-uh,
not... s-s-s.
....
Don't disrespect the
singularity, boy.
Yeah, I'm fine, why you ask?
- Well, why you think
you murdered somebody?
- Well, I don't think.
I know.
I hooked that...
- Ain't that what he said?
- [chuckles]
- Oh, he got that old people
"I forget everything" disease.
- BOTH: [laughing]
- I am warning you two.
- Ssh, don't get me grounded.
You know she likes
to take phones away.
- And I will right now.
- I don't have mine. Do you...
- Me neither.
- I left it in the car.
- Mm-hmm.
- Alright, Grandpa.
Cut the crap, man,
what's going on?
- Okay. [clears throat]
The year was 1947.
Satchel Paige was playing
football for
the American White People
...League.
- What are you talking about?
- History,...
- Hey, do not use that
language in front of...
- Them... no...
- LEAH: Grandpa...
- BOTH: [laughing]
- Okay, let's see, um, there
was seven of us here, right?
Then one person died, and
then another person died,
then another pers... that was
3 people died in 20 minutes.
Just bam, bam, bam
dead, just like that.
Then the health department
brought their ass in here
for some reason and
shut the place down.
Now, the old lady who was
working, before she died,
she sold the place.
And here we are.
- Who is we?
- Well, uh, me and my plants.
- What?
- Yeah, well, don't tell nobody,
but I grow weed in the backyard
behind the dumpster.
I got a... - Grandpa,
that's illegal, man.
- Boy, that ain't illegal.
I got a license
in here somewhere.
- You do not have a
license to grow weed, man.
- Yes, I do have a license, boy.
Show what I'm talking about.
I got it from... I got it
from a one-eyed rapper.
We was in business together.
- That's Fetty Wap, mm-hmm.
- Fetty Wap.
- No, no, his name was Wink.
- [chuckles]
- I don't care what his name
is, man, that's illegal.
- Not here in Colorado.
- Wait, wait, wait,
ain't we in Georgia?
- Minor details.
...your map, son.
- Grandpa, are you trying
to go to jail or what?
- Boy, if I go to jail,
they'll tear my ass up.
I can't even wipe
with this thing.
[sniffs] That's funky. - Ew.
- [gags]
- [laughs]
- Yeah, he definitely slipping.
Slipping. - Mm, for real.
- Keep it up.
- Uh, she's gonna
take away my phone.
- Okay, no see, I'm gonna
have it disconnected.
- Uh, you know that
is the death of me.
- Well, then stop it.
- I won't say another word.
- Thank you.
- Well, I don't know why you're
worried.
There's no reception out here.
- Wait, what?
- Yep.
- No, what about the Wi-Fi?
- Nope.
- What the hell?
- Oh, I wish you would!
I wish you would! - Oh!
- [screaming]
Baby, I'm
dirty, I'm dirty, I'm dirty.
- I'm sorry.
- Why the hell these...
Keep asking for waffles?
They're making me hungry.
All this weed I done smoked.
- Grandpa, it's Wi-Fi.
- Why the... do I care?
- Grandpa!
- Oh, oh, you talking
about the internets.
- Yes. What literally all people
have in this day and age.
- [chuckles] Well, you know,
back in my day,
what we had...
- Yeah, yeah, we know,
we know, two cans and string.
- Let me ask you something, son.
What one of these kids you
don't give a damn about?
- It's you.
- Yeah, my son.
- 'Cause I'll kill
his ass for ya.
[laughs]
- JEREMY: Alright, y'all stop.
- You better tell him.
- Hold on, hold on,
hold on, Grandpa.
Look, we need to get back to
the subject at hand, okay?
- I'll be damned, did she
just say the subject at hand?
Boy, you two-handed people
make my ass sick.
That's me giving you the finger.
- Grandpa, look, man,
nobody's supposed to leave you
here alone,
I'm calling the police.
I want the owner arrested.
- No, the hell you don't!
- Yes, I do.
- [chuckles] Grandson,
do you love me?
What the hell take you so long?
- I had to think about
it, yeah, I love you, man.
- Okay, well, then
don't do that.
- Why not?
- Let's just say if you
love me, you wouldn't do it.
- No, I'm calling them
because I love you.
- What your dad trying to
do is turn me into the man!
- Man, what are
you talking about?
- No, Grandpa, listen.
He's right, okay?
- Then don't let
his ass do that.
- No, okay, we need to
call the authorities.
- Well, I'll be damned.
Did she just say "authorities"?
- Yes, she did.
- Okay, what black woman
married to a black man
in this day and time uses
the word "authority"?
- I guess this one.
Hurt your hand
again, didn't you?
Squats, baby. - [giggles]
- Buns of steel.
- Mom and Dad, gross!
- No, no, Grandpa, I'm calling...
- No, no, no!
- Why not?
- Okay, you want
the owner arrested?
- Yes.
- The real damn owner?
- Yes, man.
- Yes!
- You want his ass locked up?
- Yes.
- Yes, you shouldn't be
here alone like this, man.
This is wrong.
- Well, damn it, that's me.
- What?
- I'm the owner.
- What?
- Yeah!
- No, no, you did what?
- I got a hook hand,
but your ass can't hear.
- No, man, I can hear, I'm just
trying to make sure
I heard what I thought I heard.
- I bought the place.
- How?
- With money, dumbass!
- Grandpa, how did you buy it?
- Well, okay, you know
that stuff they call money?
That you use to
exchange stuff with?
If you have a girl over,
you leave like maybe 100,
then you say,
"That's way too much,"
so you take 50
back... and then you says,
"My wife and hand sanitizer
in the other room,
and get your ass up
before my wife get here."
- Please don't talk like
that in front of my kids.
- Are you really
saying this to me?
- I can't believe your ass.
Are you really asking
me what "bought" is?
- Babe, you better get him
before I bust him
in the head. - Don't do it.
Don't do it, babe, don't do it.
You got it, you got it.
- Just one hook, but
I can hear you,...!
- Grandpa, I was
not asking you that.
- Okay, then what
was you asking me?
- Grandpa, you know
what I'm saying.
- Tell your daddy
I bought the place.
- Dad! He bought the place!
- Boy, I know what he's
saying, don't play with me!
What are you talking about?
- Again, I bought it.
- With what money?
- Uuuuuh...
let's see, uh...
ah...
well, what would have
been your inheritance.
- Ain't this some...?
- Honey, honey, honey,
it's okay, it's okay.
- No, no, that money was
supposed to be for the kids.
- It's okay, it's okay, it's
okay, baby, it's okay.
- Wait, that money was
supposed to be for us?
- Oh! Oh, hell...
- Sshh, ssh, sssh.
- PHILIP: Oh, check it.
- Boy!
You couldn't wait for your
old grandmomma to die.
She was an old, amazing...
- Grandpa!
- No, man, she couldn't
...a blimp.
- BOTH: [laughs]
- JEREMY: Grandpa!
- Grandpa, please, I asked you
to stop talking about stuff
like that in front of my kids.
- I'm talking about
riding on the blimp.
They saw your grandmomma
with her big ass.
Her big ol' ass.
Nice ass.
Hook that ass.
- Get your Granddaddy.
- Stop talking about my
grandmother like that.
- No, go on and say it.
You glad your grandmomma dead.
- That is not true.
I loved Grandma.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- Well, here's a shocker.
Newsflash.
She left me the money to
give to your... ass daddy.
And I bought the place.
- Why would you do that?
- Because.
- What?
- Because you're a spoiled brat.
- Grandpa.
- Boy, the only reason you
brought your ass to Colorado
was to get money.
- We're in Georgia.
- Again.
- Didn't I tell you
about them punk-ass maps?
Stop listening to white people.
The Earth is flat!
- Oh my gosh.
- He clearly did
not go to school.
- Look, what you saying about
me not loving Grandma
is not true.
- Boy, everybody know
you up there struggling.
- Yeah, that may be so, but...
- Word is you out there shaking
that ass for a piece of change.
- So that's why he
was doing them squats.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Wow.
- I came here...
- To get money.
- No, I came here...
- Look, I don't care why we
come here, where is the Wi-Fi?
I'm getting itchy.
- She... she kinda getting... she
kinda getting depressed
over this. - Shhhh-uh!
- Grandpa!
- Ah, ah!
Beating an old man with a hook
in his hand, heaven help you.
- ♪
- ♪
- I'm sorry, man.
- No, you're not.
- I am.
- No, you're not!
- I said I am.
- No, you're not!
- How many times are we gonna
go through this, Grandpa?
- I turned my hearing aid
down, you can talk all night.
- I came here 'cause I love you.
- Bull...!
Bull...!
- I do.
- Why don't you just
go on back to Chicago?
- You can't stay here.
- Why not?
- Not in a place like this.
- Boy, this is
the lap of luxury.
Got everything I need.
- Man, you cannot be serious.
- Yes, I am serious.
Now leave me the hell
alo... ooh, this coffee's hot,
burning my... burning my hook.
Now leave me the hell alone!
- Baby, we cannot
leave him here.
- Yes, we can.
- I said... hush.
- But you don't understand.
- Sandra, really!
Okay, please.
- Hey, she giving you that look.
- What look?
- That look that says
she's really serious.
Or maybe that's her
"I have crabs" look.
- Both of you are
on very thin ice.
- You know what?
I should just go on and die
without Wi-Fi or cell service.
Can you hear me now?
'Cause I'll be six feet under.
- Go out to the car,
little girl.
Go out to the car and wait.
- Fine.
- Go!
Both of y'all!
[groans]
Uh, baby. - Baby.
Baby, why would he be here?
- 'Cause you know he's stubborn.
- Yeah, I know.
- Well...
- I mean, but
look at this place.
- Yeah, well, you know...
I wanted to talk to you
about that.
- What?
- Well, what do you think
about us moving back here?
- What do you mean?
- I mean, moving
back to Georgia.
You know, like...
- Oh, you mean Colorado?
- Okay, we... we... we
could move in here.
We could... we could
redo the place, right?
- Baby.
- No, no, no, no, no.
With your degree and mine,
we could move in here
and make this thing work.
- But we don't know nothing
about running a living facility.
- We ain't knew nothing
about raising babies either,
but we did alright
at raising them.
- Are you talking
about Queen and Slim?
Baby, baby. - Yeah, yeah.
- Those are kids.
- I know.
- We talking about old people.
- Okay, well, that's kind
of like the same thing.
Oh Lord, I know, look
at your granddaddy.
- JEREMY:
Yeah, yeah, you are so right.
- Baby, you think
they got fleas here?
- At least roaches.
- 'Cause he's scratching a lot.
- Baby, baby, you
gonna scratch...
You gonna scratch... you
gonna scratch
your tracks out. - Okay, okay.
- Yeah, pat it.
Ooh, ooh, that
just turned me on.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, it felt like your ass.
- Stop. Look, okay, alright,
we can move in here, we can make
some money, baby.
So what do you say?
- You really wanna move here
and try to take this on?
- Uh, I mean it is
your inheritance now.
- Yeah.
We might make it work,
but them kids gonna die.
- No.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, they're
gonna have to be.
You wanna know why?
- Why?
- 'Cause I'm standing by my man.
- Yeah.
- And I love you so much, baby.
- You love me?
- Mm-hmm. Mm.
- Mmm.
- I love you too, baby.
- Well, all be damned, dancing.
Your ass still here?
- [laughs] Grandpa.
- Take your ass home.
- [whispers] We are home.
- ♪
- ♪
- Baby, this is gonna be good.
- I'm so glad you're
excited about it.
- Yeah.
Yeah, this is all your idea.
- Yeah, it is.
- My baby be thinking.
- Mm-hmm. [laughs]
- So go tell Grandpa.
- Ooh, no, I thought you was
talking about telling the kids.
- Baby, baby, listen...
- Ah-ah-ah.
- Look, this is your idea.
- No, no, no, no, I'll take
my chance with the kids.
- Baby, listen.
- Hmm?
- This was your idea,
and he likes you.
- Uh, no, he don't.
- How you know that?
- 'Cause at our wedding he
had a whole sign that said,
"Don't marry that..."
- [laughs] Oh, yeah,
yeah, I do remember that.
- Why you smiling?
- No, baby, you know
that... was funny.
- [laughing] No.
So go tell him.
- Alright, okay.
Alright, fine.
- Okay, thank you, baby.
I love you.
- Pop-Pop!
Leah got something
she wanna tell you!
- Jeremy! No!
- ♪
- VINNY: That... ain't
got nothing to say to me.
♪
- ♪