Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 6 - The Squat and the Hover - full transcript

Walden feels it's time for a new start and a move to New York when served divorce papers. Alan can't afford to loose his free ride again, so he convinces Walden to try Charlie's therapist, Dr. Linda Freeman. She smells her own meal ticket, thrice a week, but saves Alan's bacon. Both house-mates' spirits are lifted when they bump in a bar into Bridget Schmidt's lookalike Danny and her lesbian partner, in for some bi fun.

So you're not paying any rent at all?

Walden doesn't want my money,
we're friends.

Wow, I can't wait till I grow up and find
a friend of my own to live off of.

That's my dream for you.

Mail's here.

-Oh! Whoa!
-Whoa, hey.


Uh, Walden, are you feeling okay?

-Yeah, fine. Why?
-Your junk's all over the couch, dude.

Yeah, so?
It's my house, my couch, my junk.

Fair point. Remember, we're guests.

I thought we were friends.

Look at this. Package for Alan Smith
from Penis Pump Industries.

Oh, what was that?
Nobody here by that name. Ha, ha.

I'll just-- I'll take this back
to the post office.

Oh, boy, perfect.


It's my divorce papers from Bridget.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, man.
I remember getting my divorce papers.

That was a sad, sad day.
Remember, Jake?

I wasn't with you, I was with Mom.
She had a party on a boat.

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah. I'm fine.
I guess I knew it was coming.

Oh, that's a very healthy attitude.

I was hoping she'd change her mind,
but if I had hope in one hand...

...and poop in the other,
guess which hand would be full?

The poop hand?



Well, my marriage is over.

Big deal.
It's only the final death knell...

...of the most meaningful relationship
of my life. Bong.

That was a knell.

But you're young. I'm sure
you'll find someone else eventually.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, sure.
It's easy to find a soul mate.

Heck, you practically trip over them
everywhere you turn.

Oh, look, a soul mate.

Oh, jeepers,
there's another soul mate.

Everywhere I look,
it's another soul mate.

No, it's a great day.

It's just another fabulous day
in the life of Walden Schmidt.



Please tell me I'm not done growing.

Knock yourself out.




What you doing?

If I'm gonna forget Bridget
and start a new life...

...I gotta get rid of the old one.

Uh-huh. So this is all...?

Wedding photos and love letters.

Right, right.

Oh, this is from our second date.

"I am bananas over you."

Isn't that adorable?

Burn in hell, little monkey.

This, wedding video.

Honeymoon video.

Maybe I'll keep that one.

Listen, I understand
that you're very upset right now...

...but there may come a time when
you'll regret not having some of this.

-You still have your wedding photos?
-The half that she gave me.

And by half,
I mean half of each picture.


Yeah, well,
I don't want any mementos.

I don't even wanna think
about Bridget anymore.

-I am wiping the hard drive.

-Rebooting the system.
-Whatever makes you happy.

I'm gonna sell this place
and move to New York.

With the possible exception of that.

-What--? What do you mean why?

If you sell the place,
I wouldn't be able to live...

...with myself.

If I didn't encourage you to reconsider
and maybe talk to a professional.

Like a shrink?

This could all be a sign
of clinical depression.

I guess you would know.

If you're interested,
I could recommend a psychiatrist.

The one that my brother used
to go to.

Your brother ended up dead.

Because a crazy woman pushed him
in front of a train.

You can't blame his shrink for that.

If anything,
blame the crazy woman's shrink.

I think I got nothing to lose, huh?

-I'm in.
-Okay. Well, I'll go get her number.

Jeez, being a parasitic leech
is exhausting.

I'm sure you're aware that depression
is often the result of repressed anger.

I'm not angry.

Well, I gotta tell you, Walden,
burning all the mementos...

...and photographs from your marriage
can be construed as an angry gesture.

That's not an angry gesture.
This is an angry gesture. Grr.

That's a good one too.

Why don't we put your marriage
on the back burner?

Let's talk about your childhood.

I had a very happy childhood.
Filled with wonderful memories.

-Your parents still together?
-No, and I don't wanna talk about it.

All right, fine.

My first childhood memory was
my father disappearing when I was 3.

-He abandoned you and your mother?
-No, he disappeared.

He was an amateur magician
and it was his signature trick.


And then when I was 4, he ran off
with a lady sword swallower.

At least
that's what my mother called her.

In retrospect,
it might have been a euphemism.

So, what was your mother like?

Well, after Dad left,
she raised me by herself.

And how was that?

It was great.

Well, she did everything for me.

Well, and I always felt safe with her.

Well, that sounds wonderful.

It was.

The saddest day of my life
was when it ended.

-Why, what happened?
-I got married.


How did your wife
and your mother get along?

Not very well.

I don't know why.
Maybe because they were so different.

I see. Tell me more about your wife.


She's great.

She did everything for me
and I always felt very safe with her.

Oh, isn't that what I said
about my mother?

Oh, Walden,
you went and beat me to it.

I wonder if when we get down to it,
I married my mother.

And we're off.

So, what are we saying here?

That Bridget's right
and I am emotionally immature?

And all those years, I was treating her
more like a mother than a wife?

-And how would that make you feel?
-That would make me feel very angry.

And repressed anger
is sometimes the cause of....



That's the last thing my dad said
before he disappeared.

Is that it? Am I cured?

Well, "cured" is one of those layman's
terms that we psychiatrists try to avoid.

It hurts repeat business.

-Do I need to come back?
-I'm thinking three times a week.

-I was gonna leave town.
-Then you have a choice to make.

You can stay here
and make your problems go away...

...or you can go away
with your problems.

That is going in my book.

Okay, I need to know one more thing.
When I was having sex with my wife...

-...was I having sex with my mother?
-I'm thinking double sessions.

Monday, Wednesday, Thursday?

What--? You--
You don't work on Fridays?

Not anymore. I'll see you next week.

-Thank you, Dr. Freeman.
-You're welcome.

Oh, gosh. Okay, that's fine.

Bye-bye now.


Hm. Maybe I'm not gay.

It turns out,
I've been trying to duplicate...

...the good feelings I have for my mother
with my wife.

Oh, see, you lose me at good feelings
toward my mother.

I would like a jumbo hot dog, an extra
large nachos and a super slushee.

-You want anything?
-I'm good.

Come on, you treated me to the movie,
let me treat you to a snack.

Give my friend a small popcorn.

-Oh, God.

It's my wife.

Oh. Wow.

That is one handsome man
she's with. Heh.

-You think?
-Oh, yeah. He's gorgeous.

He's better looking than me?

Well, it's apples and oranges.
I mean, you're prettier, but he's more grr.

What do I do here?

The adult thing would be
to say hello and meet her new fella...

...but I'm a big believer in yelling "fire"
and escaping in the confusion.

No. I'm gonna be a grownup.

Bridget. Hi. Over here.

Oh, Lord.
The closer he gets, the better he looks.

Uh, Walden, this is Alex.

Alex, Walden.

-Heard a lot about you.

Did you hear about my giant penis?


I smell smoke.
Does anybody else smell smoke?

-Hey, Alan, hi.

Alan lives with Walden.

So, Alex, what do you do?

I'm a cosmetic surgeon.


Really? Beverly Hills, Botox, boobies?

More like Mogadishu,
cleft palates and burn victims.

He travels around the world
helping children in war zones.


Are you guys on a date?

-You knew I'd start seeing other people.

Whatever. Um....

We should go.

Nice to meet you.

Really? What about this was nice?

You didn't tell me he turned gay.

He's gonna split that little guy in half.

What a loser.

That'll be $47.28.

Oh, damn.

I left my wallet in the car. Uh....

Do you mind?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, and throw in some Twizzlers.

No, no, the big one.

Well, I think you handled that very well,
seeing Bridget with another guy.

Another guy?

She's dating Conan the Humanitarian.

Yeah, she kind of is.

It's like evolution, you know?

He is to you as you are to me
as I am to a howler monkey.

-That doesn't make me feel better.
-How do you think it makes me feel?

-You think she's sleeping with him?
-You kidding?

I'm surprised they made it
to the movies.

Oh, God.

Well, which raises a certain question.

Your wife clearly attracts
some extraordinary men.

Of course she does. Look at her.

I have.

Which brings me to the question.

Does she have some sort
of special powers?

-You know, sexually?
-What do you mean?

All right, I'll just come straight out
and say it.

Does she have a magic vagina?

Like, can you pull a rabbit out of it?

Never mind.

That wasn't the movie
to see under the circumstances.

Are you kidding me? It was perfect.

Boy meets girl, boy loses girl
to a better guy, boy kills himself.

Still, you got to love Sandra Bullock.

Here, take my keys.

-I'm gonna get dirty, stinking drunk.



Two beers.


Check it out.


Who's that remind you of?

Harry Potter?


Maybe a little. So?

So it's a sign.

-Of what?
-I don't know.

But I'm gonna find out.
Hi, I'm Walden.



Short for Danielle.

My father wanted a girl.

It's nice to meet you, Danny.

Let me save you some trouble.

I'm here with somebody.

Oh, yeah. Well, of course.

A beautiful girl like you.

Bathroom's disgusting.

I had to do the squat and hover.

At least you're not peeing in a trough
with lookie-loos on either side.

I'm Alan.

-Oh, Kiki.

Short for Kikikiki.

Obviously, I'm gonna have
to spell it out for you guys.

Oh, yeah,
that certainly clears things up.

What, you thought
we were hitting on you?

Maybe I have to spell it out for you.

-My apologies.

I should've known by looking at him.

-What was that about?
-Just work with me.

Still wanna buy our drinks?

Uh, sure. Cheers.


We're here, we're queer,
get used to it.

Oh, man, check this out.

-Did you buy it together?
-Oh, I wish.

Mr. Moneybags bought it.

I just make it a home.

Come on, Alan,
let's go get our guests a cocktail.

No offense.

Oh, cocktail. Ha, ha.

What's the plan?
Try and get them blind drunk...

-...and then flip them over to our team?
-What? No.

I'll take Danny.
You can have the hot one.

Well, first of all, Danny is the hot one.

And I'm not trying to flip anybody.

So, what was kissing me about?

I like her.

And I want her to feel comfortable
being around us.

So you used me.

Oh, come on, Alan. She reminds me
of Bridget. Just help me out here.


Oh, and I'm sorry about kissing you.

No, it's all right. If a man's gonna kiss
me, I prefer he looks like the son of God.

Thank you.

Now, are we gonna do this?

I can't quit you.

So when did you realize
you were gay?

Oh, boy, that's a toughie.


I guess my first hint
was when I was, like, 5 or 6 years old.

I used to make my G.I. Joe dolls
touch each other inappropriately.

I used the horn from my toy unicorn
to make a strap-on for my Barbie.

Mom was not happy.

So when did you come out?

It was later.

Uh, I was actually married.

Oh, I bet that didn't end well.


But I still love her.

Even though, you know,
I'm playing for Team Penis now.

I am.

So, girlfriend, scale of one to 10,
exactly how gay are you?

I don't understand.

Well, you know, one being
"love the one you're with"...

...and 10 being "touch me
with that thing and I'll cut it off."

Oh. Heh.

I still don't understand.

Are you exclusively with girls?

Oh, no. I like guys too sometimes.

Oh! What a coincidence.
I happen to swing both ways as well.

Really? You don't look like it.

So how'd your wife react
when you told her you were gay?

She was very understanding.
Very supportive.

That's nice.

Did I tell you
we were high school sweethearts?

Couple of times.

She was the love of my life.

What about Alan?

Oh, yeah, you know, I love him.

God, I can't do this anymore.
I'm on Team Vagina.

-I miss my wife...

...and I wanted to hang out with you
because you remind me of her.


I'm sorry I lied to you.

It's okay.

Come here, you poor baby.

Don't even think about it, slick.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

So if you're not gay,
what's the deal with Alan?

I'm not sure.

He claims to be straight, but his lips
opened a little when I kissed him.

Look at me, I'm kissing a girl.

-You're kissing my girl.

Oh, yeah, yuck.


Whoa. All right, calm down.

-You can tell him he can stop acting gay.
ALAN: I'm not acting. You really hit me hard.

I'm sorry. Let me see.

-That was uncalled for.

-How could you?
-I'm sorry.

Don't blame her.
I mean, it was really-- Ow!

Come on.

Bye, Walden.

Bye, Danny. Bye, Kiki.

You have a really lovely home.

Are you okay?

Well, I think she broke my nose,
but I almost turned a lesbian, so....

I'm gonna count it as a win.


This was a nice idea.

I'm just trying to cheer you up.

After all, you did get your ass kicked
by a girl.

Well, jury's out that it was a "girl."

Uh, Walden,
I've got a confession to make.

Listen, I know you didn't really forget
your wallet.


Okay, then I guess
I have two confessions to make.

The other one
is that I've been a very selfish man.

How so?

When you told me you wanted
to move...

...the only thing I could think about
was losing a place to live.

I was totally oblivious to your feelings.

-Don't worry about it.
-No, I need to say this.

You know, you're a great guy
and you deserve to be happy.

And if you have to move,
I'd understand.

But I want you to know
I'd really, really miss you.

I'd miss you too.

But I'm not going anywhere.

Oh, you're not?

No, the shrink's right.

My problems are gonna follow me
wherever I go.

Besides... could I leave my best friend?



I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

Told you.

[English - US - SDH]