Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 22 - Why We Gave Up Women - full transcript

Charlie's spirit returns from Hell in the form of a middle aged woman to tell Alan to make some changes to his life after his heart attack.

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Previously on Two and a Half Men:

It's spring break this week. Zoey
and her daughter are gonna stay here.

I'm gonna need you
to move out for the week.

-Where will you stay?
-With Lyndsey.

There's someone in the house.
Go look.

-Aah! Ball snag.

-Oh, sorry!
-No, no, don't touch it. Don't. Oh!

I'm bored.

I can't do this, Berta. It's just--
It's too much. She just never stops.

So how are things going
living with Zoey and her daughter?

-It's good, it's good.

-How's living with Lyndsey?
-Oh, it's terrific.

That's great.

-lf I could get rid of them--
-Yes. A hundred times, yes.


Zoey, you know I love you,
and I wanna live with you forever...

...but we gotta lose the kid.

Yeah, probably not. Okay. Ahem.

Hey, have you ever thought
of Swiss boarding schools?


She's out like a light.

Really? How? Did you drug her?

I didn't think
we were allowed to drug her.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] She's worn out
from playing with you all day.

She's not the only one.

Uh.... Uh--

Listen, I've been thinking about
this whole moving-in-together thing.

So have l. I admit, I had my doubts...

...but you have been
so wonderful with her.

-Thank you.
-This little girl loves you so much.

-You're all she talks about.

The sun rises and sets with you.


Look at what she made for you.

ZOEY: Hmm.

So you win. We're all yours.

There's a million details to figure out
before we can move in permanently.

First, where she's gonna go to school.

Have you ever considered

-Ha. You're kidding, right?
-I'm ki-- Of course, I'm kidding.

Why would I want her so far away?

Let me put her to bed.
Then we can start making plans.


-Where's Walden?

Oh, I'm right here.

-I love you, Walden.
-I love you.


Just like I planned it.


-Hey, roomie!
-You got here quick.

Lyndsey asked me to fix the garbage
disposal and I didn't like the odds.

-So did you talk to Zoey yet?
-Yes, I did.

-How'd she take it?
-Yeah, that's the thing--

-Did she cry?

-No, there was no yelling.

I know that I said I wanted to get
rid of her and have you come back....

Oh, no!

-You know, I love her.
-Oh, no!

-And I love the kid.

-I'm just gonna have to make it work.
-No, no, no!

Alan, I'm sorry.

Okay. Okay, I'll figure something out.

If nothing else, I am a survivor.


Okay, very funny, survivor, I get it.

Oh, come on,
I feel bad enough already.

-Help me. 91 1.
-Oh, okay, I'll play along. Here....

Would a hundred dollars
make you better?

-You're not kidding?
-Not kidding.

Don't die.

I want him to have
the best possible care.

So whatever it takes, I'll pay for it.

You're gonna have to. The man's
got the worst insurance policy...

-... I've ever seen.
-What do you mean?

He's got a $500,000 deductible.

A $500,000 deductible?

Even at our prices, he ain't gonna
hit that with one heart attack.

All right, well, I'll just--
I'll take care of it.

Just check the box
"domestic partner."

Oh, no. We're just buddies.

We got no buddy forms.

-Yeah, but, we're not--
-Just check the damn box.

Come out, come out,
wherever you are.

Guess there's nothing to do now
but wait.

Forgive me for being callous...

...but don't you think this heart attack
is a bit convenient?

-Come on.

He tries to weasel his way back,
you tell him no...

...and he falls to the ground
clutching his chest.

-You think he faked a heart attack?
-I think he'd fake a shark attack.

-How do you fake a shark attack?
-I don't know. Ask Alan.

-Yeah, right here.

Okay, well,
your boyfriend's gonna be fine.

Oh. That's great. I mean, he's not my....
It's great.

It was the form. It was just easier to....

-Did he actually have a heart attack?
-It was a mild one, but, yes.

Told you.

He should be fine, he's just gonna
need rest and as little stress as possible.

-For how long?
-I don't know, at least a month or two.


That's why we gave up women,
am I right?

It's a compelling argument.


-Hi, Walden.

-How you feeling?

I'm on a morphine drip.

Everyone should have
a morphine drip.

There would be no more war.

Listen, the doctor said
that you had a little heart attack...

...but you're gonna be fine.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember now.

Zoey's moving in and I'm moving out.


-No. No, you're not moving out.
-I'm not?

No. You can stay as long as you want,
as long as you need.



-Oh, that's so good to hear.

I just want you to not worry
about anything.

-I won't.

-You just relax and feel better, okay?

-Hey, Walden, guess what.

I'm peeing right now.

-No kidding.
-But it's okay.

There's a tube attached to my wiener.

I don't think there is.


EVELYN: Thank God he's gonna be okay.
WALDEN: Yeah, he just needs to take it easy.

EVELYN: I don't know what I would do
if anything happened to him.


I've already lost my good son.

Do you happen to know
if they validate parking?

JAKE: So those tubes putting stuff in
or taking stuff out?

I think a little bit of both.

Oh. I get it. It's like eating on the toilet.

-So, what did the doctor say?
-He just said he needs to take it easy.

You know, no stress.

JAKE: We shouldn't tell him
about what happened at school.

No, we definitely should not.

Honest to God,
someone put that pot in my locker.

Why would they do that?

That, my friend,
is the million dollar question.

Look, Lyndsey,
I know you're his girlfriend...

...and I know you'd
like to take care of him...

...but I kind of feel responsible
for this.

And I'd like him to stay with me
until he recovers.

Fine. Let's go get some coffee.

Wake up, Alan.


Is it sponge bath time again?

You wish.

What's going on? Who are you?

Alan, that hurts.
Don't you recognize your own brother?

What, is this some kind of sick joke?
Charlie's dead.

You're dubious. Understandable.

When you were 14 years old,
you went to your first boy-girl party.

You were nervous because they were
gonna play Spin the Bottle.

-So before you left the house...

...I convinced you that the grown-up way
to French kiss...

...was to spit
in the other person's mouth.

You hocked a big loogie
down Marci Bilson's throat...

...and she kicked you in the nuts.

Oh, come on, everybody
in high school knew that story.

Answer me this.

What are your five favorite words
to hear from a woman?

I can't spend the night.


At your service.

I don't understand.
Are you reincarnated or something?

No, I'm in hell.

Walking around in this old broad's body
is supposed to be some kind of...

...eternal damnation.

But you know what?

The joke's on them.
Boobs are still boobs.

-So why are you here?
-I thought you could use a little help.

I have been through a rough patch.

You look like
you've been through a propeller.

It's not too late
to turn your life around.

-Stop being a parasite.

Step up, be a man. Grow a pair.

this body actually has a pair.

They dangle right under my hoo-ha.

Did not need to know that.

You lived off me for eight years...

...and now,
you're living off this new guy.

Now, hang on, Walden's my friend.
He invited me to stay with him.

Oh, kiss my surprisingly tight ass.
You're nobody's friend.

You're a useless appendage like tonsils
or the nut sack under my hoo-ha.

I see hell hasn't
mellowed you out any.

You gotta get out of that guy's house
and make a life for yourself.

-I suppose I could go live with Lyndsey.
-You're missing my point.

I'm not suggesting that the tapeworm
find a new colon to crawl into.

Hold out your hand.

Thank you.

This is your last chance.

Move out of that house,
get your own place.

-Start pulling your weight in the world.
-Okay, I will.

-You'll see, I can change.

-Then my work here is done.
-Well, thanks, Charlie.

You got it.

Oh, uh....

Before I go... gotta check this out.


Was I lying?
Tell me that's not disturbing.

What do you want me to do, Zoey? Last
time I asked him to leave, he almost died.

But what does that mean? He lives
with you until he actually does die?

No, just until he gets back on his feet.

That man has no feet.
He is a footless man.

-Oh, come on.
-What about his mother?

-Why doesn't he live with her?
-They don't get along.

-What about his girlfriend?
-They don't really get along.

Oh, God.
So we're stuck with him forever.

The man is the herpes
of house guests.


-Come on, that is not fair.
ZOEY: You're right.

Herpes sometimes disappears
for a while.


-Come here. What, they let you out?

No, no, I checked myself out.

I didn't want you to have
to pay one more penny for me.

The money is not important.
What's important is your health.

No, what's important is
that I stand on my own two feet.

You have no feet.

-What was that?
-It's Zoey.

I'll be right there, honey.

I'm just gonna grab my stuff
and I'll get out of your hair.

-Are you sure?
-I am positive, Walden.

I have had an epiphany.
I need to make a big change in my life.

-Where will you go?
-I found a cute little place online.

You know, it's not much,
but at least I'll have my pride.

-I don't know, Alan.
-Let the man have his pride!

Uh.... Here's my address for mail and stuff.

-lf this is what you want.
-It's what I want.

It's what everybody wants.

-Don't listen to her.
-Oh, no, no. She's right.

She's an angry, cold-hearted teabag,
but she's right.

What did he say?

He said that you were right.


Jake, if I'm not living
at the beach house...'re not living at the beach house.

Yeah, well, sometimes life just isn't fair.

Sure, you can visit me
where I'm living now.

But you're not gonna have
your own room or your own bed...

...or your own bathroom...

...and you might need to have
a tetanus shot.

But I'd love to have you.

Okay, you let me know.
Okay. Good night, buddy.

All right. It's not much, but it's mine.

I am self-sufficient...

...and beholden to no one.


Oh, that's not a good sign.


It's odd, but now that Alan's
finally gone, I actually kind of miss him.

-Yeah, me too.
-Walden, I'm kidding.

-Oh, yeah, me too. Oh.

So now that we have
the house to ourselves...

...what would you like to do?

What I would like to do is you.

And where I would like to do
it is on every flat surface... every room of this house.

ZOEY: Hmm.
WALDEN: Hmm-hmm.

-Oh, Jake.

-This is my friend Gabby.

We're gonna
go hang out in my room.

Uh.... Jake. Hold on.

Have you spoken
to your father lately?

No, I don't believe I have.

-Look at the bright side.
-What bright side?

He might share
some of his pot with us.

Wake up, buttercup.

Oh. Hey, Charlie.

So, what do you think?

-I finally got my own place.

You're not sponging off that rat,
are you?

-There's a rat?
-I'm just kidding. He's dead.

But aren't you proud of me?
I mean, I did what you said.

-I'm standing on my own two feet.




I had to come back from hell to do it...

...but I finally got you
out of my freaking house!

But I thought you wanted me
to be a better person.


-So you were just screwing with me?

-I'm in hell. That's kind of what we do.


-What a horrible dream.
-What's so horrible about it?



Still here.


I can do this all night.


How do we sell this? Uh....

91 1. 91 1.

Come on, you can do better than that.

Uh.... Ah.


Help me. Call 91 1.

Am I dying or taking a dump?


Call 91 1. Call 91 1.

Yeah, that's it. Okay. Showtime.



Don't worry, I'm not moving back in,
I just forgot a few things.

-Yeah, like your son?
-Wait. Jake's here?

-Yeah, and his girlfriend.
-Oh, you know, damn that kid.

I told him I was moving out
and he was not to come back here.

But does he listen to me? No.

You know, no one ever listens
to me and l....

Call 91 1. Call 91 1.

WALDEN: Oh, no, not again.
Hold on, I'll get help.

Son of a bitch.

What's the matter,
couldn't find a shark?

So, what do you think, doc?

We won't know until we get the tests
back, but his heart appears to be fine.

WALDEN: Thank God. So how long
before I can take him home?

ZOEY: Walden.
-I am sorry, Zoey...

...but I am not gonna have
this man's death on my conscience.

I'd like to thank the Academy.

There are no small parts,
only small apartments.

I don't think you're allowed
to smoke in here.

Does that include the joint
you just blew in the bathroom?

-How'd you know about that?
-Call it women's intuition, tater-head.

Oh. The only person who ever called me
tater-head was my Uncle Charlie.

So, what does that tell you?

-I have no idea.
-Screw it, I'm going back to hell.

Ready, ladies?

-You bet.
-We are.

Then let's go.

And me with just a nut sack.

[English - US - SDH]