Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 21 - Mr. Hose Says 'Yes' - full transcript

NARRATOR:
Previously on Two and a Half Men:

-Why don't you move in with me?
-What?

Yeah, you and Ava move in with me.

I love you and I want you in my life.
I wanna have a future with you.

If Ava and I move in, isn't somebody
going to have to move out?

Hmm.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's the ticket.

[FARTS]

Yes, out with the bad.

Morning.

-Morning.
-Hey, I'm glad you're up. I wanted--



Oh, whoa.

Sorry.

-Is that really a good workout?
-Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's great for the circulation,
stretches the spine. Whew.

Your ball is hanging out.

Oopsie-daisy, back in the barn.

All right, listen.

It's spring break this week, so Zoey
and her daughter are gonna stay here.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, it's kind of like a trial run.

See what it's like to live together before
we decide to do anything permanent.

That's a good idea.
Living together is tricky.

-Ahh.
-Ball.

Oh. Sorry.



Of course, it's gonna be a little tight
with all of us living here.

Yeah, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

Well, don't worry,
I'll tell Jake to go to his mom's.

Good, good.

And I'll make myself scarce.
You won't even know I'm here.

[FARTS]

Oop. Stepped on a duck.

Right, actually, I'm gonna need you
to move out for the week.

Wait, wait, the whole week?

Yeah. You and Zoey don't really gel.
I just thought it'd be for the best.

Oh. Oh, that's fine.

But you know, just for the record,
I gel with pretty much everybody.

I mean, ask around,
I'm positively gelatinous.

I know, it's her.

So the plan is
I come back after a week?

You might wanna think of this
as a trial run of your own.

I mean, in case Zoey and I do decide
to live together permanently.

Sure, sure, I get it.
And let me just add...

...that no one is rooting for
your personal happiness more than I am.

That's good to hear.

-Thanks, man.
-No. No, no, thank you, buddy.

[CHUCKLES]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

No reason to panic. Heh-heh.

Just gotta find a temporary new home.

And three new balls.

-What are you doing?
-I'm taking a break.

-Didn't you just get here?
-Yeah.

Anyway....

I just wanted to give you a heads-up that
Zoey's gonna stay here for the week.

-8Uh-huh.
-She's bringing her daughter.

-How old?
-Seven.

See you in a week.

Whoa. Come on, Berta.
You'll love her. She's adorable.

Maybe to her mother.

And someone who's trying
to get into her mother's pants.

It's not gonna be any extra
work for you.

Whatever Zoey doesn't take care of,
I'll handle.

Really? You're gonna take care
of a 7-year-old?

Yeah. We get along great.
And besides, I gotta learn sometime.

I mean, if Zoey and I get married,
I'll be Ava's stepdad.

You know, once upon a time...

...a cute little boy came to live
in this house for a few days.

Maybe you've met him.

He's the pot-soaked, masturbating
couch potato who eats all your cookies.

Is he the one who finished off
my macaroons?

Your macaroons and my pot.

My point being, fool me once,
shame on you...

...fool me twice, I want a fully-funded
401(k) and a Camaro.

Come on, Berta. It's just gonna be
for a week and it's just the three of us.

Really?
Did Zippy finally hang himself?

No. He's gonna stay somewhere else.

Zoey and I wanna see what it's like
to live like a family, with a housekeeper.

Who's got a retirement plan
and a muscle car.

Look, if you don't wanna
help with this...

...I will find another housekeeper
who's willing to do very little work...

...for a very large salary
in a Malibu beach house.

You're cute,
but you got a mean streak.

All right, here we are.
What do you think?

AVA: Oh, boy, the ocean.
ZOEY: Stay on the deck.

Oh. She's so excited,
she didn't sleep at all last night.

I'm kind of excited too.

-Really? I'm terrified.
-Why?

If this little experiment doesn't work...

...it pretty much means we're done,
doesn't it?

Wow, now I'm terrified too.

Oh. Hey, there she is.
The new queen of the castle.

Milady. Heh.

Hello, Alan. Thank you so much
for letting my boyfriend...

-...use his own house for the week.
-Snidely put.

-Thank you.
-Where you staying?

Well, I was thinking that I was going
to rent a suite at the Bel-Air Hotel.

But then I realized that costs money
and I have none...

...so I'm just gonna stay with Lyndsey.

How wonderful for her.

[MAKES STABBING SOUND THEN GRUNTS]

So, um....

All right, I will see you in a week.

-See you.
-In a week.

-Yeah.
-Say it.

I'll see you in a week.

-Okay, you two have fun.
-All right.

Oh. Oh, wait. What room are you planning
to put the little girl in?

-Yours.
-Oh.

Oh, well then,
I'd better get a few things out of there. Heh.

Mostly magazines.

-Maybe we should put her in Jake's room.
-That's actually worse.

-You ready for another beer?
-Oh, aren't you a doll?

[CHUCKLES]

You know,
Eldridge is with his father this week.

-Ooh. And Jake's with his mother.
-Hmm.

So I guess we can do
anything we want.

Yeah. And what do you want,
you dirty girl?

Well, you know what would
make me really happy?

Whatever it is, I'll do it.

The guest toilet is broken.
I want you to fix it.

Are we role-playing?

Am I the naughty plumber
here to snake your drain?

No, you're the loving boyfriend
here to fix my toilet.

-Seriously?
-Seriously.

-Now?
-Now.

All right.

When you're done, would you take
the patio furniture out of the garage...

-...and put it in the backyard?
ALAN: Sure.

-Make sure you wash it first.
-You got it.

Yeah, I got it, all right.

Forgot a few things.

-I'm gonna run to the store.
-You know, relax. I'll go for you.

There's things I need to buy
that I'd rather you not know I need.

-Say no more.
-Put your coat on, Ava.

-I don't wanna go, I'm playing.
-Ava, come on.

-No, she's fine. I'll watch her.
-You sure?

Yeah, of course. It's no big deal.

-Do you want to stay here with Walden?
-Yes, please.

Okay. See you in about an hour.

-Bye.
-Bye.

[SIGHS]

The sweet, sweet smell of freedom.

Oh.

-Hi.
-I'm bored.

-Thought you were playing with dolls.
-I finished.

-What do you wanna do?
-Well....

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

-There's my good girl.
-Hi, Mommy.

-Heh. Where's Walden?
-Right there.

He said it's his nap time.

I think I found your problem.

-You have got a blown-out fuse.
-Can you fix it?

I don't see any spare fuses,
but I do know a little trick.

LYNDSEY: What's that?
-Well, most people don't know this...

...but you can use an ordinary
copper penny to replace a fuse.

LYNDSEY: No kidding.
ALAN: Yeah.

Electricians won't tell you,
because they wanna charge you--

[ELECTRICITY SIZZLING]

[TV PLAYING]

It worked. The TV's back on.

[ELECTRICITY SIZZLING]

"They were married soon after and lived
happily together for many, many years.

The end."

Big surprise, huh?

[MOUTHS]
Thank God.

It's too dark.

Sorry. Here you go.

That's too bright.

Okay.

How about I turn the bathroom light on
and leave the door open a crack?

AVA:
All right.

-How's that?
-Better.

All right. Good night.

Did you look under the bed?

No. Why?
Did you find some funny magazines?

You have to check for monsters.

Oh. Heh.

Uhn. Nope, no monsters.

Okay, good night.

What about the closet?

-What about it?
-Monsters.

-I don't want to have nightmares.
-Right.

It's all clear. Eeh!

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Great, now I'm gonna have nightmares.

Okay. Okay. Good night.

I'm thirsty.

-You're joking.
-Why would I joke about thirsty?

Thirsty's not funny.

-I'll get you a glass of water.
-No, I want fizzy water.

You want Perrier?

Pellegrino would be fine.

I'll go see what we have.

How did the story end?

They got married and they lived happily
together for many, many years.

Until they had kids.

-How you feeling?
-All right.

My hand's still a little numb.

Well, let's see
if I can make it all better.

-Ooh, ooh. Make it all better. Daddy like.
-Mm.

[OBJECT THUDS IN DISTANCE]

-Did you hear something?
-Nothing but the rustling in my jammies.

No. There's someone downstairs.

No, there isn't.
Come on, make it all better.

Alan. There's someone in the house.
Go look.

Really? With a dead hand
and the beginnings of an erection?

Go.

And thus ends the erection.

[OBJECTS RATTLING]

-Who keeps their weed in the crisper?
-Well, you wanna get crispy, don't you?

Ow.

Good morning.

It's still dark out.

It's breakfast time.

Maybe in London.

-What's going on?
-She wants breakfast.

Okay. Just give me a minute.

-No, you sleep, I'll get it.
-Thanks.

-That's it? No argument?
-Shh.

All right. What do you want?

Corn Flakes or Cheerios or...?

Eggs Benedict.

Of course.

-Watch your step.
-Yeah, I wouldn't wanna get hurt.

-Those pain pills starting to kick in yet?
-Oh, yeah.

You could spread me on toast.

Okay, let's get you into bed.

No, no, let's get you into bed.

Seriously? You wanna fool around?

Parts of me do.

Mr. Nose says no,
but Mr. Hose says yes.

Tell you what.

Why don't you just lie down
and let me take care of you?

-Really?
-You took care of me when I thought...

-...there was someone in the house.
-Oh, right, right, I did. I was brave.

Let's just get this belt
and zipper undone.

Good thing you can breathe
through your nose.

-Aah!
-What?

-Ball snag.
-Oh, sorry!

No, no, don't touch it! Don't--! Oh!

I think I broke Mr. Hose.

[DOOR CLOSES]

BERTA: Hey.
-What?

What in the hell happened here?

-I tried to make breakfast for the kid.
-Tried? Heh.

Yeah, the eggs were too runny.

So I made oatmeal that was too dry.

So I made waffles that were,
and I quote, "bloody dreadful."

-Where is she now?
-I don't know. I don't care.

I can't do this, Berta. It's just too much.
She just never stops.

Yeah, I raised four daughters.

The only thing that slows them down
is jail and johnsons.

I told Zoey we were gonna be a family.
What am I gonna do?

-Kid's 7?
-Yeah.

-Wait nine years.
-What happens in nine years?

If you're lucky, she runs away
with a coke-addled bass player.

-And if I'm not lucky?
-A drummer.

Hey.

Oh, you're up. How are you feeling?

-Little better.
-I'm glad.

Not looking forward to ripping
the Band-Aid off my scrotum...

...but we'll cross that bridge
when we get to it.

I am so, so sorry.

Yeah, just FYI, if you'd like to try again,
I'm wearing sweatpants.

No zipper.

I cannot believe you're still horny.

Me neither, but there it is.

Well, I do owe you one.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

[ALAN CHUCKLES]

-Do you smell that?
-Don't worry, that's just the Neosporin.

No, it smells like something dead.

It's not Mr. Hose.

He's very much alive.

Go ahead, check.

I think it's coming from
under the house.

I'm sorry, I really can't smell anything.

Because of my broken nose.

Because of what you owe me.

It's probably just a raccoon
or a possum.

Hang on one sec,
let me call the exterminator.

Oh, no, no, that's gonna take too long.

Ugh. I'll just get a shovel and a garbage bag
and deal with it.

You're that horny?

I know, it's starting to worry me too.

[GRUNTS]

LYNDSEY: You okay down there?
-Yeah.

Yeah, I think I see it.

[GRUNTS]

Looks like a dead possum.

Be careful.

Oh, don't worry about it.
I'm just gonna shovel him into my--

[ANIMAL GROWLING]

ALAN:
Not dead! Not dead!

Ow! Yaah! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean--

Come on!

Oh, that's gonna get infected.

Thank you.

-Hey.
-Oh, hey, thanks for meeting me, man.

Whoa.

What happened to you?

Well, let's see.

Electrocuted, got my nose bashed in,
and possibly rabies.

How are you?

I am really tired.

My heart bleeds for you.

Also my left ball-sack.

What's that smell?

Oh, Neosporin
with just a hint of possum.

So how are things going
living with Zoey and her daughter?

-It's good, it's good.
-Oh.

-How's living with Lyndsey?
-Oh, it's terrific.

That's great.

That's great.

-lf I could get rid of them--?
-Yes, a hundred times, yes.

[English - US - SDH]