Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 2 - People Who Love Peepholes - full transcript
Walden has bought the beach-house and re-hired Berta. However he feels lonely and trusts Alan enough to ask help and advice how to try win back his wife Bridget. Alan already feels very unwelcome at ma's and eagerly extracts as counter-favor the chance to move back in with Jake. Alan therefore braves Walden's semi-suicidal driving and, against his better judgment, joins 'breaking in' at the Schmidt mansion, only to hear Bridget meanly claim she gave Walden 15 years of chances to grow up. The new buddies seek consolation in alcohol and wake up naked together after nightly skinny-dipping.
NARRATOR:
Previously on Two and a Half Men:
I think we can all agree
that Charlie lived life to its fullest...
...and gave it everything he had.
He gave me herpes.
I still don't see why we have to sell.
He left it to me, he wanted me to have it.
-Can you make the mortgage payments?
-Not per se.
ALAN: Are you okay?
-Yeah, I'm fine.
-I was just trying to drown myself.
-You tried to commit suicide?
Yeah, but I had no idea
that the water would be that cold.
I have been where you are.
Rejected, friendless, broke.
I'm not broke.
I'm worth, like, a billion dollars.
Beg pardon?
I just went to a funeral, I don't want
to be involved in another one.
Why don't you and I go out
and have a drink and talk?
-About what?
-Why somebody would want...
...to kill themselves
when they have a billion dollars.
My wife dumped me and I wanna die.
I don't know if I can ever love anyone
the way that I love her.
It'll be okay.
Oh, God, I miss my wife.
Guess what?
I had sex with two girls last night.
Great.
I masturbated and cried myself to sleep.
I like my night better.
Oh, hey, I dig your house,
so I'm gonna buy it, okay?
-Oh, okay.
-You're the best.
Oh-- Ugh.
Whoa.
This is Walden.
He's gonna buy the house.
Welcome to my humble abode.
So, what do you think?
Will you stay on?
I'd consider it, if the price is right.
[THINKING] I'd also consider smothering
you with my sweet, sweet loving.
-Well, money is not an issue.
-Good to know.
[THINKING]
Ka-ching.
-What's down here? Mm.
-Ice.
I like it better on top.
[THINKING]
Me too, puppy.
What I really need is a housekeeper
who's gonna be here all the time.
Because, you know, I'm not very good
at taking care of myself.
Oh, I can take care of you.
[THINKING]
Oh, I can take care of you.
Well, my car's all packed,
I guess I'm ready to go.
Great news, Alan.
Berta has agreed
to be my live-in housekeeper.
-Really?
-Yeah, he talked me into it.
[THINKING]
I wonder what his sweat tastes like.
Well, that is good news.
Here are a couple of sets of keys...
...remotes for the garage,
and garbage pick-up is on Tuesday.
-Oh, you take care of the garbage, right?
-Nope.
Well, I guess it's time for me to go.
Wait, come here.
-Give us a hug goodbye.
-Seriously?
Come on, Alan, despite everything,
you and me have been like family.
Oh. I guess.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm taking your room, Zippy.
Of course you are.
Well, see you.
I'll walk you out.
[THINKING]
I could bite that ass like an apple.
Well, I hope you'll be very happy here,
Walden.
Thank you. I don't know if I'd be happy
without my wife.
Come on, you're young, you're rich...
...and you've got a face
that gives women an erection.
What about love?
What about commitment?
What about spending a lifetime
with your spiritual soul mate?
Hey, look, a peephole.
Hello.
Yeah. I love peepholes.
You know what they say,
people who love peepholes...
...are the luckiest people in the world.
Okay, good luck.
Hey, thank you
for all your help and advice.
You're welcome.
And if you ever need a friend...
...to talk to,
you know where to find me.
Your mommy's.
Only temporarily.
Okay.
Well, if I left anything here,
feel free to, you know, keep it...
...throw it away, whatever.
Great. Bye.
Bye.
Bye!
Phew. Okay, Walden Schmidt.
It's time to start your new life
as a single man in Malibu.
Hello?
Dad?
Why are you unpacking?
-Because you told me I could stay here.
-Temporarily.
Yeah, a few days, couple of weeks.
A month, tops.
Yeah, right. Oh.
Why can't you just stay
with your girlfriend?
Oh, oh. This isn't a good time for Lyndsey
and I to be moving in together.
-Why not?
-She's going through a phase...
...where the very touch of me
fills her with revulsion.
Um.... I-- I'm thinking it's pre-menopause.
Yes, I'm sure that's why.
Well, just so you know, I'm not putting
my life on hold while you're here.
And I wouldn't expect you to.
Just go on with your life.
Do whatever it is you'd do
as if I weren't here.
-Well, I have a date tonight.
-Oh, great. Ha-ha.
We'll probably wind up having sex.
Sure.
Rough sex.
Right.
-So stay away from my bedroom.
-No problem.
Even if you hear me screaming.
Especially if I hear you screaming.
Unless, I'm repeatedly
screaming "umbrella."
-Umbrella?
-That's my safe word.
Sometimes they can't hear it
through the leather mask.
Most moms would've stopped
with "l have a date tonight."
Hey, Bridge, it's me again.
What is the name of that shampoo
that I use that doesn't sting my eyes?
Baby shampoo?
Where do I get it?
Any supermarket?
That is remarkably convenient.
Oh, while I have you on the phone,
will you take me back?
Wow, it's like "no"
is your favorite word now.
Don't hang up. Don't hang up.
Hey, what is the toilet paper
that we use?
You know, the stuff that's soft
on my tushy, like a cloud?
You grow up!
H-- Hello, hello?
Hey, Berta,
will you run to the supermarket...
-...and get me baby shampoo?
-Sure.
Then I'll sit in the tub with you
and wash your hair.
Oh, Berta.
I miss her so much.
Oh, hey,
hey, everything's gonna be all right.
Wait and see.
-I've never felt so bad in my life.
-Oh.
And I never felt so good.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
EVELYN:
Don't.
Stop.
Don't.
Stop.
What are you doing?
I said don't stop.
I should be on the roof with a rifle.
-Oh, hey, Walden.
-You left some books in your room.
Oh, thank you. You didn't have
to drive all the way over here.
Is it really possible to hypnotize a woman
and make her your slave?
That was a-- That was a gag gift
for my birthday.
''Ten Minutes a Day
to Incredible Wealth''?
Oh, good, that's my poop book.
Um.... I'd invite you in, but my mom
doesn't let me have friends over.
-That's cool.
-Mm-hm.
You wanna go out
and maybe do something?
-What do you have in mind?
EVELYN: Umbrella!
-Doesn't matter, let's go.
EVELYN: Umbrella! Umbrella! Umbrell--
ALAN:
Nice car.
-What is it?
-It's an electric Fisker.
State-of-the-art
lithium ion technology...
...supplemented with a turbo-charged
engine. Solar panels on the roof.
Blue Volkswagen. Punch bug.
So, how much
does something like this cost?
About a hundred grand.
But it's great for the environment.
I don't know why anyone
would drive anything else.
Speaking for myself...
...bone-crushing poverty is something
of a stumbling block.
Maybe you could lease.
-I've got a confession to make, Alan.
-Me too.
The hypnotism book
wasn't really a gift.
I really came over
because I was kind of lonely.
Oh, sure, sure. I've been there. A lot.
In fact, I'm there now.
I've never really spent much time alone.
I've been with Bridget since high school.
Mm. High school sweethearts.
When I was in high school,
I was dating a poster of Molly Ringwald.
But back then she was crazy in love
with me.
-I didn't have any money then.
-I'm sure she still loves you.
No...
...she's changed.
Her heart has become cold and angry.
Um.... You're starting to go
a little fast there, buddy. Heh.
Who wakes up one day and decides
they don't wanna be married anymore?
Well, actually, it only seems that way.
In my experience, they've
been mulling it over for quite a while.
You know, the speed limit is 35
and you're going-- Oh, oh, 80. Ha-ha-ha.
What happened
to "till death do us part"?
Yeah, who died? Not you, not her.
Oh, good golly, 95.
Whoa, whoa!
This thing really takes the corners.
I love her, Alan. And I want her back.
Well, I know you do.
Oh, 103, Walden, 103.
Life is not worth living
without Bridget.
-Truck, truck, truck!
-It hurts so much!
[HORN HONKING]
-I can't take it anymore!
-Umbrella!
WALDEN: I'm sorry I scared you
by driving so fast.
That's okay.
I'm sorry I peed a little on your seat.
Where are we?
We're going to my house.
Gotta talk Bridget into taking me back.
Oh, no. No, no. Bad idea.
When a woman doesn't want you,
begging does not help.
I spent more time on my knees
than any straight man in America.
What is this, a gated community?
WALDEN:
No, it's just my house.
Wow, instead of going
to chiropractor school...
-...I should have married a billionaire.
-Well, next time you'll know.
BRIDGET [OVER INTERCOM]:
What are you doing here, Walden?
I just wanna talk to you.
Go away or I'll call the police.
"Go away or I'll call the police."
Ha-ha. Man, that takes me back.
Um.... What do you say I drive us home?
I'm not giving up that easy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where-- You heard what she said
about the police, right?
I'm going to get my wife back.
Come on.
-Come on? What's my part in this?
-I need you to help me over the gate.
Okay, again, voice of experience here.
Criminal trespass usually ends
with her dating the cop.
Will you just come on?
[ALAN GRUNTS]
There-- Let me go-- I'm doing this--
-Okay.
-I got it. Get-- I got it.
-Okay. Okay.
-I got it.
Good luck.
Come on.
-Again, come on?
-I need your help getting in a window.
Oh, terrific.
Now I'm Spider-Man.
[GRUNTING]
Walden,
do not make me turn that gate on.
What--? What does that mean,
"turn the gate on"?
Don't worry, she's bluffing.
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
I still have a buzzing in my ears!
I can't hear you,
I have a buzzing in my ears!
God, Walden,
what is wrong with you?
If loving you is wrong,
then I am wrong.
It-- It's true.
He talks about you all the time.
[MIMICS BUZZING SOUND]
I expect this from him, he has the
emotional maturity of a 12-year-old.
What's your excuse?
Uh.... I live with my mom, she's having
rough sex, and I had to get out of the house.
Honey, I just don't understand
why we can't work things out.
Okay, I'll tell you again.
Oh, this part is never good.
I'm tired of living with a child.
I'm tired of being more of a mother
than a wife.
Whoa, oh, whoa.
You are not more of a mother than a wife.
-Really? Who picks out your clothes?
-You.
-Who tells you when to go to sleep?
-You.
-Who does the cooking and cleaning?
-The cooking and the cleaning ladies.
-Before we were rich.
-You.
Look, Walden, you're a sweet guy
and I'll always love you.
But I can't live with Peter Pan
anymore.
Now, now, to be fair,
Peter Pan didn't want to grow up.
From what I understand,
Walden's just never had to.
Sorry, seemed important up here.
Down here, not so much.
Bridget, believe me, I can grow up.
-Oh, please.
-At least give me a chance to try.
[BOTH MIMICKING BUZZING SOUND]
I gave you 15 years. It's over.
Okay.
Can I play a little "Donkey Kong"
with Alan before I go?
Are you insane? Get out!
Oh, yeah, fine. I'm insane. Ahh, ahh, ahh!
Come on, Alan!
Thank you for the water and the:
[MIMICS BUZZING SOUND]
Hold on.
Let's go.
Where does she get off
calling me a child?
You seem a little upset,
maybe I should drive us.
She is a stupid-head.
Oh. Oh, white Volkswagen, huh, huh?
Come on.
Wait, I've got an idea. Why don't we
stop, have a drink and talk?
Drinking is not the answer.
No, stopping is the answer.
Oh, dear, God.
Where is that toilet paper?
Oh, boy.
[WALDEN SNORTS]
Alan?
Yeah?
Why are you lying on top of me?
Because I didn't wanna be
on the bottom?
I think we're naked.
Yeah. You can ignore
what's going on down there.
That was a morning reflex.
Could you get it off of me, please?
Absolutely. Absolutely.
[GROANS]
-Do you remember anything?
-Uh....
We went to a liquor store
and then we came back here.
Then we went skinny-dipping.
-Right, right. Whose idea was that?
BERTA: Mine.
Shh.
Okay, your pants are clean.
Thank you.
-Two words for you. Adult diapers.
-Ugh.
Look, Walden was driving ridiculously
fast and I have a nervous bladder.
Save it, Zippy, this is not
my first pee-stain rodeo with you.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
Hi, is Charlie here?
Oh, God, another one.
You deal with it.
Hi, I'm Charlie's brother, Alan.
I'm Penelope. Is he here?
Maybe you'd better sit down.
-Is everything okay?
-Um.... No. Uh....
Penelope, the thing is,
Charlie passed away.
-What?
-It was very sudden.
[VOICE BREAKING]
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry. He was such a terrific guy.
I can't believe he's gone.
Hey, what's going on?
Hello, I'm Penelope.
-Oh. Walden. What are you crying about?
-I have no idea.
Don't worry about me,
I'll let myself out.
-You smell good.
-Thank you. It's baby shampoo.
[MIMICKING WALDEN]
"What are you crying about?"
[IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
"l have no idea."
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, Bridget. Hi.
-Hi, I came to talk to Walden.
-Really?
Yeah, I think maybe
I've been a little hard on him.
Well, um....
Bridget?
ALAN: Hey.
-Walden?
Look who came to talk to you, Walden.
Your wife.
You're married?
Yeah, long-time married.
They just met.
This is Penelope, my girlfriend.
-What?
ALAN: Shut up and walk.
I'm glad you came. Come, sit down.
When I saw you with that girl,
I thought maybe she was with you.
What--? Psh. You're kidding, right?
No, Alan is the ladies' man.
I mean, he's a total pickup artist.
Come on, Charlie's dead,
Walden's married.
What's wrong with me?
So I was thinking we could go out
to dinner sometime.
Let me prove that I can change.
I can be a grown-up.
I guess I owe you that much.
Sweet.
Sorry to interrupt.
Just went on a little jog with my lady.
I'll get out of your way.
Hold on.
I'm going to say goodbye to my guest.
Because that's the grown-up thing to
do, right?
Alan, thank you.
You saved my butt back there.
I'm glad things are working out.
I owe you big time.
If there is anything you need...
...any way I can help you,
you just let me know.
Well, since you mention it...
-...you could do me a little favor.
-Name it.
Well, I'm really uncomfortable
living at my mom's.
Think I could stay here for a few days
till I find my own place?
-No problem.
-A few days, a couple of weeks.
Yeah. Done.
-A month, tops.
-Whatever.
Great, great, thanks.
And don't worry,
I am not one to overstay my welcome.
Cool.
I'm back.
[English - US - SDH]
Previously on Two and a Half Men:
I think we can all agree
that Charlie lived life to its fullest...
...and gave it everything he had.
He gave me herpes.
I still don't see why we have to sell.
He left it to me, he wanted me to have it.
-Can you make the mortgage payments?
-Not per se.
ALAN: Are you okay?
-Yeah, I'm fine.
-I was just trying to drown myself.
-You tried to commit suicide?
Yeah, but I had no idea
that the water would be that cold.
I have been where you are.
Rejected, friendless, broke.
I'm not broke.
I'm worth, like, a billion dollars.
Beg pardon?
I just went to a funeral, I don't want
to be involved in another one.
Why don't you and I go out
and have a drink and talk?
-About what?
-Why somebody would want...
...to kill themselves
when they have a billion dollars.
My wife dumped me and I wanna die.
I don't know if I can ever love anyone
the way that I love her.
It'll be okay.
Oh, God, I miss my wife.
Guess what?
I had sex with two girls last night.
Great.
I masturbated and cried myself to sleep.
I like my night better.
Oh, hey, I dig your house,
so I'm gonna buy it, okay?
-Oh, okay.
-You're the best.
Oh-- Ugh.
Whoa.
This is Walden.
He's gonna buy the house.
Welcome to my humble abode.
So, what do you think?
Will you stay on?
I'd consider it, if the price is right.
[THINKING] I'd also consider smothering
you with my sweet, sweet loving.
-Well, money is not an issue.
-Good to know.
[THINKING]
Ka-ching.
-What's down here? Mm.
-Ice.
I like it better on top.
[THINKING]
Me too, puppy.
What I really need is a housekeeper
who's gonna be here all the time.
Because, you know, I'm not very good
at taking care of myself.
Oh, I can take care of you.
[THINKING]
Oh, I can take care of you.
Well, my car's all packed,
I guess I'm ready to go.
Great news, Alan.
Berta has agreed
to be my live-in housekeeper.
-Really?
-Yeah, he talked me into it.
[THINKING]
I wonder what his sweat tastes like.
Well, that is good news.
Here are a couple of sets of keys...
...remotes for the garage,
and garbage pick-up is on Tuesday.
-Oh, you take care of the garbage, right?
-Nope.
Well, I guess it's time for me to go.
Wait, come here.
-Give us a hug goodbye.
-Seriously?
Come on, Alan, despite everything,
you and me have been like family.
Oh. I guess.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm taking your room, Zippy.
Of course you are.
Well, see you.
I'll walk you out.
[THINKING]
I could bite that ass like an apple.
Well, I hope you'll be very happy here,
Walden.
Thank you. I don't know if I'd be happy
without my wife.
Come on, you're young, you're rich...
...and you've got a face
that gives women an erection.
What about love?
What about commitment?
What about spending a lifetime
with your spiritual soul mate?
Hey, look, a peephole.
Hello.
Yeah. I love peepholes.
You know what they say,
people who love peepholes...
...are the luckiest people in the world.
Okay, good luck.
Hey, thank you
for all your help and advice.
You're welcome.
And if you ever need a friend...
...to talk to,
you know where to find me.
Your mommy's.
Only temporarily.
Okay.
Well, if I left anything here,
feel free to, you know, keep it...
...throw it away, whatever.
Great. Bye.
Bye.
Bye!
Phew. Okay, Walden Schmidt.
It's time to start your new life
as a single man in Malibu.
Hello?
Dad?
Why are you unpacking?
-Because you told me I could stay here.
-Temporarily.
Yeah, a few days, couple of weeks.
A month, tops.
Yeah, right. Oh.
Why can't you just stay
with your girlfriend?
Oh, oh. This isn't a good time for Lyndsey
and I to be moving in together.
-Why not?
-She's going through a phase...
...where the very touch of me
fills her with revulsion.
Um.... I-- I'm thinking it's pre-menopause.
Yes, I'm sure that's why.
Well, just so you know, I'm not putting
my life on hold while you're here.
And I wouldn't expect you to.
Just go on with your life.
Do whatever it is you'd do
as if I weren't here.
-Well, I have a date tonight.
-Oh, great. Ha-ha.
We'll probably wind up having sex.
Sure.
Rough sex.
Right.
-So stay away from my bedroom.
-No problem.
Even if you hear me screaming.
Especially if I hear you screaming.
Unless, I'm repeatedly
screaming "umbrella."
-Umbrella?
-That's my safe word.
Sometimes they can't hear it
through the leather mask.
Most moms would've stopped
with "l have a date tonight."
Hey, Bridge, it's me again.
What is the name of that shampoo
that I use that doesn't sting my eyes?
Baby shampoo?
Where do I get it?
Any supermarket?
That is remarkably convenient.
Oh, while I have you on the phone,
will you take me back?
Wow, it's like "no"
is your favorite word now.
Don't hang up. Don't hang up.
Hey, what is the toilet paper
that we use?
You know, the stuff that's soft
on my tushy, like a cloud?
You grow up!
H-- Hello, hello?
Hey, Berta,
will you run to the supermarket...
-...and get me baby shampoo?
-Sure.
Then I'll sit in the tub with you
and wash your hair.
Oh, Berta.
I miss her so much.
Oh, hey,
hey, everything's gonna be all right.
Wait and see.
-I've never felt so bad in my life.
-Oh.
And I never felt so good.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
EVELYN:
Don't.
Stop.
Don't.
Stop.
What are you doing?
I said don't stop.
I should be on the roof with a rifle.
-Oh, hey, Walden.
-You left some books in your room.
Oh, thank you. You didn't have
to drive all the way over here.
Is it really possible to hypnotize a woman
and make her your slave?
That was a-- That was a gag gift
for my birthday.
''Ten Minutes a Day
to Incredible Wealth''?
Oh, good, that's my poop book.
Um.... I'd invite you in, but my mom
doesn't let me have friends over.
-That's cool.
-Mm-hm.
You wanna go out
and maybe do something?
-What do you have in mind?
EVELYN: Umbrella!
-Doesn't matter, let's go.
EVELYN: Umbrella! Umbrella! Umbrell--
ALAN:
Nice car.
-What is it?
-It's an electric Fisker.
State-of-the-art
lithium ion technology...
...supplemented with a turbo-charged
engine. Solar panels on the roof.
Blue Volkswagen. Punch bug.
So, how much
does something like this cost?
About a hundred grand.
But it's great for the environment.
I don't know why anyone
would drive anything else.
Speaking for myself...
...bone-crushing poverty is something
of a stumbling block.
Maybe you could lease.
-I've got a confession to make, Alan.
-Me too.
The hypnotism book
wasn't really a gift.
I really came over
because I was kind of lonely.
Oh, sure, sure. I've been there. A lot.
In fact, I'm there now.
I've never really spent much time alone.
I've been with Bridget since high school.
Mm. High school sweethearts.
When I was in high school,
I was dating a poster of Molly Ringwald.
But back then she was crazy in love
with me.
-I didn't have any money then.
-I'm sure she still loves you.
No...
...she's changed.
Her heart has become cold and angry.
Um.... You're starting to go
a little fast there, buddy. Heh.
Who wakes up one day and decides
they don't wanna be married anymore?
Well, actually, it only seems that way.
In my experience, they've
been mulling it over for quite a while.
You know, the speed limit is 35
and you're going-- Oh, oh, 80. Ha-ha-ha.
What happened
to "till death do us part"?
Yeah, who died? Not you, not her.
Oh, good golly, 95.
Whoa, whoa!
This thing really takes the corners.
I love her, Alan. And I want her back.
Well, I know you do.
Oh, 103, Walden, 103.
Life is not worth living
without Bridget.
-Truck, truck, truck!
-It hurts so much!
[HORN HONKING]
-I can't take it anymore!
-Umbrella!
WALDEN: I'm sorry I scared you
by driving so fast.
That's okay.
I'm sorry I peed a little on your seat.
Where are we?
We're going to my house.
Gotta talk Bridget into taking me back.
Oh, no. No, no. Bad idea.
When a woman doesn't want you,
begging does not help.
I spent more time on my knees
than any straight man in America.
What is this, a gated community?
WALDEN:
No, it's just my house.
Wow, instead of going
to chiropractor school...
-...I should have married a billionaire.
-Well, next time you'll know.
BRIDGET [OVER INTERCOM]:
What are you doing here, Walden?
I just wanna talk to you.
Go away or I'll call the police.
"Go away or I'll call the police."
Ha-ha. Man, that takes me back.
Um.... What do you say I drive us home?
I'm not giving up that easy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where-- You heard what she said
about the police, right?
I'm going to get my wife back.
Come on.
-Come on? What's my part in this?
-I need you to help me over the gate.
Okay, again, voice of experience here.
Criminal trespass usually ends
with her dating the cop.
Will you just come on?
[ALAN GRUNTS]
There-- Let me go-- I'm doing this--
-Okay.
-I got it. Get-- I got it.
-Okay. Okay.
-I got it.
Good luck.
Come on.
-Again, come on?
-I need your help getting in a window.
Oh, terrific.
Now I'm Spider-Man.
[GRUNTING]
Walden,
do not make me turn that gate on.
What--? What does that mean,
"turn the gate on"?
Don't worry, she's bluffing.
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
I still have a buzzing in my ears!
I can't hear you,
I have a buzzing in my ears!
God, Walden,
what is wrong with you?
If loving you is wrong,
then I am wrong.
It-- It's true.
He talks about you all the time.
[MIMICS BUZZING SOUND]
I expect this from him, he has the
emotional maturity of a 12-year-old.
What's your excuse?
Uh.... I live with my mom, she's having
rough sex, and I had to get out of the house.
Honey, I just don't understand
why we can't work things out.
Okay, I'll tell you again.
Oh, this part is never good.
I'm tired of living with a child.
I'm tired of being more of a mother
than a wife.
Whoa, oh, whoa.
You are not more of a mother than a wife.
-Really? Who picks out your clothes?
-You.
-Who tells you when to go to sleep?
-You.
-Who does the cooking and cleaning?
-The cooking and the cleaning ladies.
-Before we were rich.
-You.
Look, Walden, you're a sweet guy
and I'll always love you.
But I can't live with Peter Pan
anymore.
Now, now, to be fair,
Peter Pan didn't want to grow up.
From what I understand,
Walden's just never had to.
Sorry, seemed important up here.
Down here, not so much.
Bridget, believe me, I can grow up.
-Oh, please.
-At least give me a chance to try.
[BOTH MIMICKING BUZZING SOUND]
I gave you 15 years. It's over.
Okay.
Can I play a little "Donkey Kong"
with Alan before I go?
Are you insane? Get out!
Oh, yeah, fine. I'm insane. Ahh, ahh, ahh!
Come on, Alan!
Thank you for the water and the:
[MIMICS BUZZING SOUND]
Hold on.
Let's go.
Where does she get off
calling me a child?
You seem a little upset,
maybe I should drive us.
She is a stupid-head.
Oh. Oh, white Volkswagen, huh, huh?
Come on.
Wait, I've got an idea. Why don't we
stop, have a drink and talk?
Drinking is not the answer.
No, stopping is the answer.
Oh, dear, God.
Where is that toilet paper?
Oh, boy.
[WALDEN SNORTS]
Alan?
Yeah?
Why are you lying on top of me?
Because I didn't wanna be
on the bottom?
I think we're naked.
Yeah. You can ignore
what's going on down there.
That was a morning reflex.
Could you get it off of me, please?
Absolutely. Absolutely.
[GROANS]
-Do you remember anything?
-Uh....
We went to a liquor store
and then we came back here.
Then we went skinny-dipping.
-Right, right. Whose idea was that?
BERTA: Mine.
Shh.
Okay, your pants are clean.
Thank you.
-Two words for you. Adult diapers.
-Ugh.
Look, Walden was driving ridiculously
fast and I have a nervous bladder.
Save it, Zippy, this is not
my first pee-stain rodeo with you.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
Hi, is Charlie here?
Oh, God, another one.
You deal with it.
Hi, I'm Charlie's brother, Alan.
I'm Penelope. Is he here?
Maybe you'd better sit down.
-Is everything okay?
-Um.... No. Uh....
Penelope, the thing is,
Charlie passed away.
-What?
-It was very sudden.
[VOICE BREAKING]
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry. He was such a terrific guy.
I can't believe he's gone.
Hey, what's going on?
Hello, I'm Penelope.
-Oh. Walden. What are you crying about?
-I have no idea.
Don't worry about me,
I'll let myself out.
-You smell good.
-Thank you. It's baby shampoo.
[MIMICKING WALDEN]
"What are you crying about?"
[IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
"l have no idea."
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, Bridget. Hi.
-Hi, I came to talk to Walden.
-Really?
Yeah, I think maybe
I've been a little hard on him.
Well, um....
Bridget?
ALAN: Hey.
-Walden?
Look who came to talk to you, Walden.
Your wife.
You're married?
Yeah, long-time married.
They just met.
This is Penelope, my girlfriend.
-What?
ALAN: Shut up and walk.
I'm glad you came. Come, sit down.
When I saw you with that girl,
I thought maybe she was with you.
What--? Psh. You're kidding, right?
No, Alan is the ladies' man.
I mean, he's a total pickup artist.
Come on, Charlie's dead,
Walden's married.
What's wrong with me?
So I was thinking we could go out
to dinner sometime.
Let me prove that I can change.
I can be a grown-up.
I guess I owe you that much.
Sweet.
Sorry to interrupt.
Just went on a little jog with my lady.
I'll get out of your way.
Hold on.
I'm going to say goodbye to my guest.
Because that's the grown-up thing to
do, right?
Alan, thank you.
You saved my butt back there.
I'm glad things are working out.
I owe you big time.
If there is anything you need...
...any way I can help you,
you just let me know.
Well, since you mention it...
-...you could do me a little favor.
-Name it.
Well, I'm really uncomfortable
living at my mom's.
Think I could stay here for a few days
till I find my own place?
-No problem.
-A few days, a couple of weeks.
Yeah. Done.
-A month, tops.
-Whatever.
Great, great, thanks.
And don't worry,
I am not one to overstay my welcome.
Cool.
I'm back.
[English - US - SDH]