Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 19 - Palmdale, Ech - full transcript

Alan and Lyndsey introduce their mothers to each other, while Walden spends the night hanging out with Jake and Eldrige since Zoe is still out of town.

I miss you, but what are you doing up?
Isn't it 3:00 in the morning in London?

I've been having trouble sleeping too.

Alan suggested warm milk
and masturbation.

But that's his answer
for pretty much everything.

No, don't worry,
he's not gonna live here forever.

More importantly,
when are you coming back?

Ugh. Really, another week?

All right, that settles it.
I'm gonna heat up some milk.

All right. All right. Try to get some sleep.

I love you. No, I love you more.

No, I love you more.



You got a problem with love?

-No, no.

Sorry. It's Jake and his friend.

No, he's not gonna stay here forever,

All right, bye-bye. Sweet dreams.

Sorry, we'll get out of your way.

No, it's okay.
What are you guys doing?

We were gonna play a video game
on the big screen...

-...but if you're busy....
-No, no. Come on.


-Where's your dad?
-Oh, he's out with this guy's mom.

They're picking my grandma up at
the International House of Old People.

-She's in a rest home?

I guess they're resting.

They don't move very much.

Oh, except on pudding day,
then you could get trampled.

Oh. Your dad's meeting
his girlfriend's mother. That's a big step.

-What's bigger than boning each other?
-Shut up.

We both know they're doing it.
We've heard them.

-"Oh, Alan!" "Oh, Lyndsey!"

Okay, quit it or I'm leaving.

-Okay, fine.
-And I'm taking my game.

-I apologize.

It's nice you guys have a sense of humor.

So many kids of divorce are,
like, so angry all the time.

It's hard to stay angry when you smoke
as much pot as we do.


When my dad left,
I was, like, really angry.

-What did you do?
-Just channeled my energy...

...into learning
how to program computers.

Made my first million
by the time I was 20.

-That's our plan too.

What language do you guys code in?

Java? Perl? C++?

Um.... Okay, maybe not a million.


-You're in a good mood.
-I am.

Looking forward to seeing your mother?

Not at all. I'm high as a kite.

If I'm looking forward to anything, it's
for that second muscle relaxer to kick in.

I hear you. Unfortunately, I can't do that
with my mom. I have to stay alert.

Dinner with her is like being trapped
in a box with a snake.

My mom's more like a hamster.
They seem cuddly, but they eat their young.

-Can't wait to meet her.
-Oh, you'll love her.

Everybody loves her.

She's sweet, shy and charming.

Unless you happened
to come out of her uterus.

Then you're part of a balanced breakfast.

-That bad, huh?

-It's gotten worse since my dad died.
-She must have loved him very much.

No. Hated his guts.
She tried to kill him once.

-You're kidding.
-Yeah. They were playing golf.

He gave her a swing tip.
She hit him with a pitching wedge.

A pitching wedge?

It was the right club.
They were about 90 yards out.

Anyway, when he finally died,
years later...

...she decided he was the love her life...

...moved into a retirement community and
put a "gone fishing" sign on her hoo-ha.


I guess I shouldn't mention golf
during dinner.

Or fishing.

You might also wanna stay away from
politics, religion or The Price Is Right.

-The Price Is Right?
-Misses Bob Barker, hates Drew Carey.

Oh, really? I think
he's a wonderful breath of fresh air.

Do not say that.

He's right behind you.
He's right behind you. Move.

-Move. Duck.
-Don't worry, junior, I got this.

Ah, crap.

Watch and learn.

I used to be a lot better at this.
I'm just out of practice.

-It's because you got a girlfriend now.
-Your thumbs have gotten weak.

-That's why I choose to be a bachelor.
-Yeah, that's why.

What's the deal with you and Zoey?
You gonna marry her?

I don't know. I mean, I love her and all,
but I just got out of a marriage.

-Do I really wanna be back in one?
-Hell, yeah. She's hot.

-It's not about how hot she is.
-Well, thank you, Jake.

It's about whether she stays hot.

I mean, plus,
there's some serious stuff to consider.

She has a daughter, so I'd be a stepdad.

My stepdad's a pretty cool guy.
I mean, he's always slipping me money.

He feels bad about replacing my dad.

-Or about banging your mom.
-Shut up.

Mm. Doesn't feel so good, does it?

That's what your mom said.

All right, can we please talk
about something other than sex?


But for the record, I'm not a virgin.

Good to know.

Neither am l. At least I think I'm not.

It was dark. Could have been just leg.

-But that still counts.
-No, it doesn't. Right?

Listen, if he thinks he got laid,
what difference does it make?

Thank you.

Mom, this is Alan.
Alan, this is my mom, Jean.

-Hi, nice to meet you.
-How are you?

Good, good. Although I gotta admit,
I'm a little nervous.

You know, "Hope Mom likes me."
You know?

Relax, Alan.

When it comes to men,
Lyndsey has never set the bar very high.

-What's that supposed to mean?
-I'm just saying...

...that you've always gone
for quantity over quality.

It's a choice. I'm not judging.

Oh, come on, muscle relaxers.

-So, Alan, do you have children?
-I do. I have a son.

That's good. Because even if Lyndsey
could bear another child...

...I'm not sure
that would be the smartest move.


Tell the truth.
Do you want another one like Eldridge?

Let's just change the subject.

Does anybody want another Eldridge?

-How are things at Sunset Village?
-Same old, same old.

Well, actually, some of the same old died
so we got some new old.

Oh. Oh, that's awful.

Not really.

If you get to their condo
before the relatives... can score some great stuff.

Oh, Mom, you're not saying--

How do you think I got
this lovely sweater?

It certainly wasn't a Mother's Day gift.

Well, if it comes up, I'm a 40 regular.


So do you wanna do anything special
this weekend?

I'll be happy doing whatever you want.

I thought tomorrow we could have lunch
at the Santa Monica Pier...

...then go for a walk on the beach.

Oh, okay.

-We don't have to.
-No, that's fine.

I'm not afraid of homeless people.

You know, your daughter's a good lady.
You did a great job with her, Jean.

But it was touch-and-go for a while.

She told you about her
show business career, right?

-Seriously, Mom. Really?
-What? It was a very nice movie...

...if you like pornography.

Okay, I saw it, and it wasn't pornography.

Well, it wasn't Mary Poppins.

-So you guys graduate this year, right?
-I do.

-I do too.
-Well, that's what you said last year.

Yeah, but now they're one more year
sicker of me.

So, what are you gonna do now?

Well, we were hoping
we could work for you.

-Doing what?
-We'd be, like, consultants.

And what would you
be consulting about?

Well, that would be
our first consultation.

How about this? We could tell you
what kids these days are into...

...then develop killer apps
to target that geographic.

-No, Republican kids too.


All right, consultants,
tell me some of your app ideas.

Okay. Well, you know,
when you take a picture of your junk...

...and send it to a girl?

No. But I understand the concept.

Okay. Okay, well, this app
makes your junk look bigger.

And you can customize it.

You customize your junk?

Yeah, you know, like silly hats,
glasses, little messages.

Wish you were here.

-Get it? Get it?
-Yeah, I get it.

So it's like Photoshop,
but for your junk.

We call it Junkshop.

It's a good name. What do you do
if you already got big junk?

Oh, way ahead of you.
Tell him about Boobshop.

All right.
You know how girls always complain...

...about one boob
being bigger than the other?

Oh, thank God, she's asleep.

I don't think I can last four days.
Every word out of her pushes my buttons.

Yeah, I saw. She's like a ninja mom.

She sneaks in, destroys your will to live
and disappears without a trace.

-So I'm not crazy?
-Oh, no, not at all.

-It makes me grateful for my mom.
-What do you mean?

There's no sneaking
and stabbing in the back.

She walks right up to you
and hits you in the face with a lead pipe.


I wonder what would happen
if we put them in the same room.



Although, it wouldn't be the worst idea
in the world.

-Well, think about it.

They're around the same age,
they're single...

...they're both deeply disappointed
in their children...

...and their children's children.

They might hit it off.

And if they did,
it might give us a break.

You know what? I will call my mom
and try to set up a dinner.

Oh, Alan, that would be wonderful.

I owe you one.

You still owe me one for my birthday.

Well, if she wasn't here...

...I'd be steering this car
with the back of my head right now.

Looks like she's sleeping pretty good.

Oh, what the hell, scoot your seat back.


-Hey, what you doing?
-Absolutely nothing.

I'm bored out of my mind.

Lyndsey and I are having dinner
with our moms.

-You're welcome to join us.
-A two-mom dinner?

-You can say no.
-No, God, no.

I get you. I don't wanna go either.

Why are you doing it?
Are you thinking about getting married?

To answer your questions
in reverse order...

...not at the moment and oral sex.

Oral sex.

Time to warm up the old milk.

-Oh, great, Amy, we'll be there.
-What's going on?

Just got invited
to a slamming party in the valley.

-Can we borrow your car?

Uh.... All right, let me think.

Two potheads wanna borrow
my hundred-thousand-dollar car... go to a slamming party
in the valley.

-Sounds like a no.
-Wait, wait, wait. Let's hear him out.

It's a no.

I'll give you guys a ride.

-Oh, thanks.

-What you got going on with the water?
-Oh, we had another idea for an app.

Let me guess, Sinkshop.

No, no. Okay.
Imagine the app is on my phone.

-All right.
-Go ahead.


Now, all I do is press this button,
and our app will tell you...

...exactly how long you can hold
your breath underwater.

-That's clever.

How is it different than the stopwatch
that's on your phone?

-The what?
-See this little clock?



How long?

So this is nice, huh?

Lovely. I can't remember how long it's
been since you called me to have dinner.

-Oh, come on, it hasn't been that long.
-Oh, please. Jake was still cute.

-It has been a while.
-So, what's up with this dinner?

Why are you allowing me
to meet your girlfriend?

First of all, I wasn't disallowing you
from meeting her.

I was just avoiding it as long as possible.

But things are more serious
between us now.

It might be nice for you
to get to know each other.

-All right.
-And her mother might come along.

-Her mother?
-Yeah, she's in town visiting.

I thought you two might hit it off.

Alan, you know I don't like old people.

I do know, but you'll like her.
She's young at heart like you.

-I'm young everywhere, all the parts.

What I haven't replaced,
I've had tightened, bleached or trimmed.

Got it.

-So where's the old biddy live?

Palmdale, ech.

-Is she married?

-How'd her husband die?
-Heart attack.


She did actually try to kill him once.

Oh, well, at least we have something
in common.

You sure you gave me the right address?

Yeah, 1478 Amy Lane.

Wait a sec.

Isn't Amy Lane the name of the chick
having the party?

It may not be Amy Lane.

But we're on Amy Lane.

An amazing coincidence, huh?

-Is there somebody you guys can call?
-Yeah, I mean, I can call Amy Lane.

If that is, in fact, her real name.

Evelyn, Alan tells me
you do a lot of traveling.

Yes, I love it. The classical architecture...

...the exotic cuisine,
the uncircumcised men.


Although one could make a case
that falls under exotic cuisine.

Just like you and Alan in the car.

-Do you get to travel much?
-Not anymore.

But when my husband was alive,
we went everywhere.

Six Flags, Epcot, Dollywood.

Charming. Real globetrotter.

Speaking of which,
I once slept with Meadowlark Lemon.

Let me tell you, basketballs
weren't the only thing he could spin.

I'm so sorry.

I hope this is it.

They have a balloon on the mailbox,
that says "party."


Is this where the party is?

You saw the balloon, huh?
Come on in.

-Hang on, hang on.

Excuse us.
Don't you pay attention in health class?

-What are you talking about?
-Stranger danger.

No, he seems okay.

You guys like to wrestle?

-Let's book it, dude.

JAKE: Walden!
ELDRIDGE: Don't go!

Always a bridesmaid.

Really, Alan?

Why don't I get this?

Well, you gotta admit, my plan worked.

They hit it off,
left us pretty much unscathed.

Thanks to your mom, my mom can now
go back to her retirement community...

...and show her girlfriends what happens
when you Google Santorum.

Oh. Lyndsey, will you take me
to get a tramp stamp?

-It's a cute little tattoo right here.

-Evelyn has one.
-You do?

I got it in Singapore.

The Chinese characters for,
"Thank you, come again."

All right, well, we're done here.
Why don't we head home?

I don't wanna go home.
Evelyn says there's a place...

...down the street
where they have music and dancing.

-I don't think so. It's getting late.
-We have to work in the morning.

-I don't.
-Neither do l.

Why don't you two run along...

-...and let Jean and I have fun?
-How will you get home?

Alan, I made it from Brunei to Morocco...

...with nothing but the clothes
on my back and a tube of lubricant.

I think I can get us from Tarzana
to Sherman Oaks.

Ha-ha-ha. Isn't she a hoot?

-All right, if you're sure.
-Let's go.

You think we'll find some cute fellas
to dance with?

Oh, Jean, Jean, Jean,
we're not going to dance.

You should have written
the address down, dude.

I did write it down.

-She must've told it to me wrong.
-Or you heard it wrong.

If only there was an app
that could capture the spoken word.

If only there was an app...

...that could capture the spoken word.

Don't mock us, man.

Don't mock us, man.

-Hi, Jake.
-Hi, Eldridge.


Bet they were at the party.

Yeah, maybe they could tell us
where it is.

Oh, good thinking. I'll text them.

Wait, I don't have their numbers.

Man, we're never gonna find this party.

Okay. Let me ask you a question.

If you had made it to the party,
what would you have done there?

Try to hook up with some chicks.

Why don't you hook up with them?

Right there. That's why you're rich.

Would you mind very much if we,
you know, blew you off?

I would worry about you if you didn't.


ELDRIDGE: Hello, ladies.
JAKE: Mind if we hook up with you?

-Oh, morning.

-You and Evelyn have a good time?

I adore your mother.

That's only because you just met her.

I don't know.
I think I got to know her pretty well.

Good morning, darling.

Hi, peaches.

Once again, I'm so, so sorry.

[English - US - SDH]