Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 18 - The War Against Gingivitis - full transcript

Alan is appalled when Walden shows him the utterly abusive YouTube posts his former business partner Billy Stanhope keeps posting. Still, a relatively small bribe suffices for Alan to let him in. Walden's fury over such disloyalty is soon overtaken by Billy's Internet project, that could make them another fortune. Even Jake shrugs his head superiorly at the sight of the cocky rivals' petty dueling over everything. Meanwhile superfluous Alan naively offers a friendly service to Berta, who doesn't hesitate to charge him with a perilous debt payment delivery.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Oh, damn.
Which password did I use for this?

Uh, Jake.







Oh, maybe that's it.

Big scary lady.

Where is Berta?

She went home early, wasn't feeling well.

-Anything I can do for you?
-I'm out of dental floss.

Ooh. Waxed? Unwaxed? Cinnamon?

You carry a selection of dental floss?

I'm a soldier
in the war against gingivitis.

Got the gums of a 20-year-old.

I'll take the cinnamon.

Good choice.
Clean teeth and fresh breath.

-What you doing?
-Trying to do online banking...

-...but I forgot my password.
-I can help you with that. Move.

Oh. Forgot I had a computer genius
in the house.

Okay, let's put in your e-mail address.

And click on "forgot password."

There's a password hint.
"What is my favorite state?"



Oh, you are a hacker's nightmare.

-Not California.

Gosh, um, try Hawaii.


The good news is
we only have 48 states to go.

Favorite state, favorite state.
What's my favorite state?


Oh, I'm getting a Skype call.

Ugh. It's my ex-wife.

-Hi, Walden.
-Hi, Bridget.

My favorite state is fully engorged.

Hello, Alan.

Hi, Bridget. Um....

That was just my pass--

You know what?
I'll just let you guys talk.

How do you explain him to people?

I usually tell people that my wife
drove me to homosexuality.

-What's up?
-Billy called.

-Billy Stanhope?
-He has a business proposition for you.


Now, why on earth would I do business
with him after what he did to me?

Hey, don't get upset with me.
I'm just the messenger.

I'm not upset. I-- I've moved on.
I've-- It's-- It's behind me.

Yeah, I recognize
your ''I'm not upset'' eye twitch.

My eye is not twitching.

I-- You know what?
Tell him thank you, but no thank you.

-Got it.
-I wish him well, but I pass.

-I'm flattered, but no can do.

-And if my eye is twitching...'s only because I have conjunctivitis.

You don't have conjunctivitis, Walden.

We're not married anymore.
You have no idea what diseases I have.



How about that?

Billy Stanhope.




-Everything okay?
-Yeah, why?

Uh, the blood-curdling scream?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

No, no, I often react that way
after chatting with my ex-wife.

Oh, no, no, this isn't about my ex-wife.

It's about my ex-friend, Billy Stanhope.

Oh, I've never heard you
mention him before.

Have you ever heard me mention
rectal cancer?

-Same principle.

What went down between you two?


We built a software company
in Bridget's garage...

...and sold it
for a couple billion dollars.

That son of a bitch.

No wonder you hate him.

I don't think you understand.

He didn't wanna sell.
So when we did, he went crazy.

-Yeah. Oh, yeah, here, look.

He put it on YouTube
for the whole world to see.

Hello, world. It's me, Billy Stanhope.

And I'm here to drop
another smart bomb of truth.

This is my ex-partner, Walden Schmidt.
Oh, isn't he pretty?

Hey, Walden,
tell everyone how pretty you are.

I'm pretty. Mwah, mwah, mwah.

Oh, yes, you are. You are pretty.

But that's just on the outside.

On the inside, you are a soul-sucking,
money-grubbing sellout!

Oh, don't forget ''giant douche. ''

I'm also a giant douche.

Thanks, buddy.

I'm always forgetting
about your extreme douchiness.

You know what I'm gonna do, Walden?

I-- I'm gonna eat you.

Yeah, I'm gonna eat you
and chew you up and digest you...

...and then go in the bathroom
and take a big, steaming Schmidt!


Think that's bad? Watch this one.

Hey, folks, Walden Schmidt here.

I just wanted you to see me
as I really am.

So he's actually talking out of his ass.

Yeah, he calls it "buttriloquism."

-That's very disturbing.

That's the least disturbing
of the ass-talking videos.

It-- It's crazy.

I made this guy, like, a billion dollars,
and then he turns on me.

And then he accuses me
of being a sellout.

Talk about ingratitude.

If you made me rich,
the only thing I'd accuse you of... being the best guy ever.

-Seriously, throw me a couple of mil...

-...and get ready for a tongue bath.
-I doubt that'll be necessary.

I am not just talking metaphorically.
I will lick you from head to toe.



You gotta be kidding me.


Walden, come on!

-Hey, who's at the door?
WALDEN: Rectal cancer.



I'm Billy Stanhope.

Oh, yeah,
I recognize you from the video.

You look good.

Well, you know, I cut out sugar
and took up yoga...

...stopped smoking crack.

Well, whatever it is you're doing,
it's working.

Who are you?

Oh, yeah, I'm Walden's friend,
confidante, mentor, gatekeeper.

Oh, yeah, Bridget told me about you.
Yeah, the leech.

-Alan Harper. Pleased to meet you.

Listen, gatekeeper, any way I could talk
to Walden for just five minutes?

Oh, I don't think so. He's pretty peeved.

I got this billion-dollar idea
that can't move forward without him.

But if he won't see me, he won't see me.

Hold up, Billy. Come on in, come on in.

Talk to me. So a billion dollars, you say?

-At least.

What could possibly be worth
a billion dollars?

It's simple, really.
Are you familiar with web-based...

...aggregate upstream power-grid

Uh, I have Netflix.

It's not important. If you could--

-I need to talk to him for five minutes.
-Don't think that's gonna happen.

-All right, here's $50.
-Wait right here.


ALAN: Got a second?

Yeah, come in.

-What you doing?
-Playing a racing game.

Ah. That's fun. After my divorce,
I played "World of Warcraft" for a while...

...hoping to meet girls.

-Did you meet any?
-Let's just say...

... if you're lonely enough
and drunk enough, everybody's a girl.

So listen...

...I was having a very interesting

...with your former compadre.

You let that son of a bitch
in my house?

-Well, yeah, I was just--
-You let him in my house?

I didn't see any harm.
I felt sorry for the guy.

-I thought I could trust you.
-You can.

I just got sucked in by the words
"billion-dollar idea."

What idea?

Something about
upstream grid perambulation?


Masturba--? I don't know.

Web-based aggregated
upstream power-grid manipulation?

Yes, that's it.

Oh, my God.

He figured out the Electric Suitcase.

-Is it really worth a billion dollars?
-Oh, yeah.

I probably should've held out
for more than 50.

All right, let's hear it.

Oh, you look good without the beard.

-You look good without the crack pipe.

You think we can build
the Electric Suitcase?

Yes. We have the technology now.
I just need you to help me write the code.


Really? You need my help?

Because I thought I was just a pretty face
and you were the brains.

We both know
that was Class-A narcotics...

...and psychotic jealousy joining forces... tell the truth.

Okay. Say you're sorry
and we'll get to work.

-I'm here, isn't that enough?
-Nope. Get out.

Okay, wait, wait, whatever. Fine.


-I'm s--
-Oh, wait.

Walden, come on, man, what--?

Okay. Go.

-I'm sorry.
-I'm sorry to who?

I'm sorry to Walden Schmidt.

-For calling him names.


Frivolously suing him for $100 million.


Now, cross your eyes, stick out
your tongue and dance like a monkey.


-I will rip your throat out!
-Bring it on, Poppin' Fresh!

-I will do it! I will do it!
ALAN: Fellas, fellas, fellas.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.


I'm getting too old for this crap.

Now, come on, shake hands.

I don't wanna.

Okay. Walden, you wanna be
the bigger man?

I am the bigger man.

Oh, that's-- With the short jokes, okay.

-No, you are a short joke.
-"You are a short joke."

That's not helping. This is silly.

You've got a billion-dollar idea
waiting for us.


Okay, you. Bring it in.

-See? See? Was that so hard?
-Guess not.

Remember the fight we had over
what to name our first piece of software?

-Yeah, because that's what it was.
-What it was, was boring.

Yeah, it was a lot better
than Songsnatch.

Hey, Songsnatch is catchy.

Because it was taken!

Guys, guys, let's bring it back, okay?
Easy does it, guys.



What did you end up calling it?

-How'd you come up with that?

It was the sound Billy was making
when I was trying to choke him to death.


I heard that. Knew that was the name.

Yeah. Way to go, partner.

If you hadn't been trying to kill me,
that never would've come out of my mouth.

-You really think we can build this thing?
-Anybody can do it, it's us.

Where would we start?

First thing, we'd go over
the original design for the code.

Split it up into chunks that can be handled
by multiple parallel-processors.

-Sounds good.
-Yeah, that's what I would do, yeah.

Start compiling the modules,
see if we can get them talk to each other.

-Yeah, exactly.

Maybe the way to start is
I'll set up the testing sandbox... set up the l/O module,
we'll go from there.

-What do I do?

What can you do?


I can make cookies. You like cookies?

Anyway, it's a multi-billion-dollar idea
that doesn't have a prayer...

...unless I get these guys together.
And how do they thank me?

They eat my cookies and send me to
7-Eleven for Red Bull and Hot Pockets.

-I gotta tell you... feelings were a little bit hurt.

I mean, I thought Walden and l
were, like, best friends...

...but it turns out this Billy guy
is really his best friend.

Old friends are hard to compete with.


The sad thing is,
I don't really have any old friends.

What about the people
you went to school with?

My social life at school
was mostly running and hiding.

-Summer camp?
-I get Christmas cards...

...from one counselor who's in prison.



-So, what happened to your girlfriend?
-She's on vacation.

-Oh, where'd she go?
-Wouldn't say.

It's kind of a vacation from me.

So what you're saying is
there's absolutely no one in your life...

...who you consider a close friend?

I don't count.

Well, there is one person
I have a lot of history with.

Hey, pal, what's up?

Don't forget to declare the routine global.

-Man, I've had to pee for, like, an hour.
-I've had to pee for two hours.

There's a bathroom down the hallway.

I can hold it. If you have to use it, go.

-Oh, no, no, no, I can hold it.
-All right, fine.

You are a competitive son of a bitch.

Don't rag on me
because you have a girlie bladder.

-We'll see who's got the girlie bladder.
-Oh, okay. Oh, all right.


I don't have to cross my legs.

I don't have to cross my legs, either.

You know, I think I'm gonna
print this routine as a backup.

Control P.

Good idea.

I think I'm gonna print up
all of my routines.



Soup? Why'd you bring me soup?

-Because you're sick.
-Oh, right. Bleh. Thank you.

And let's face it,
friends should take care of each other.

We're friends?

Come on, Berta. How many years
have we known each other?

-That's gotta count for something.
-You have been in my life longer...

...than both my husbands
and most of my underwear.

Come here, friend.

Now we're hugging friends.

Those hands start to wander,
this friendship is over.


Excuse me.

You know, that's what I love about you,
you know?

The salty sense of humor,
poking fun at me.

That's the glue that binds us together.




-What was that?
-It's Mexican Halloween.

So listen, friend,
I wonder if you'd do me a little favor.

Sure. Name it.

I need you to go to this address...

...ask for Shermie,
and give him this envelope.

-Oh, happy to.
-No one else, only Shermie.

Okay. Who's Shermie?

Just a guy I owe some money to.

-So this is the money.
-Most of it.


Ah. Okay.



-Sometimes peeing is better than sex.

Although, when I was smoking crack,
a lot of times...

...peeing and sex were the same thing.

Hey, while we're on the subject--

-What, peeing?
-No, sex.

-There's something you should know.
-About sex? I think I'm okay.

Yeah, we've all seen the python.

What can I tell you?
It's factory equipment.

-Right, right. No. It's about your ex-wife.
-What, Bridget?

Yeah, I'm kind of sleeping with her.

-Watch where you're pointing that thing!

-When did this start?
-You know I always had a thing for her.

When you guys broke up...

...I took her out, you know,
gave her a shoulder to cry on...

...and she kind of worked her way down.

-So when she called me about you--?
-I was there.

-Oh, man.
-Hey, I wasn't listening.

-Her thighs were covering my ears.
-Oh, you son of a bitch!

Hey, hey! Okay, okay, hey! Hey, hold on!

God, Shermie, that's all she gave me!

Crap. Oh, crap. Oh, crap.


Go, go. Drive, drive.


You still mad about me and Bridget?

I hate your guts.

Good, that's what I was going for.

-What happened to your pants?

Uh, I had a little accident.

-Why are you wearing robes?
-We had a little accident too.


How are you guys doing?

Oh, hey, we're good, man.
We're about to test the first module.

-Walden, would you do the honors?
-Oh, no, please.

-No, it was your vision.
-Yeah, but it was your expertise.

Yeah, but I'm banging your ex-wife.

All the while wondering
if she misses the python.

Press the damn button.


Behold the birth...

...of The Stanhope-Schmidt
Electric Suitcase.


-Ha, ha, ha!


That's it? I mean, I have an iPhone app
that'll turn out the house lights.

No, no, no. It's much more than that.
Name a state.


Oh, okay. Florida?

ALAN: Okay, I'm sorry, guys.
I just don't get it. I'm going to bed.

Oh, try Canada.

Lights out.


Okay, now, the master switch.


[English - US - SDH]