Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 14 - A Possum on Chemo - full transcript

Walden, are you almost ready?

Almost.

How is it possible that I am
always ready before you are?

Hey, it takes a lot of work

to make it look
like I don't care how I look.

Please, let's go.
I'm starving.

Just give me a minute.
I'm having a bad beard day.

Is there such a thing
as a good beard day?

Absolutely.

Usually I wake up,
and it's all soft and fluffy,

but I must have
slept on it wrong,



'cause this side's, like,
flat and listless.

Oh, if it's causing
you such problems,

why don't you
just shave it off?

I thought you loved my beard.

No, I never
said that.

Then why'd you go out
with me in the first place?

I don't judge a person
by what's on the surface.

Yeah, but yet you're asking me
to shave my surface.

Yes, please.

Wow.

I mean, is there anything else

about me that's not
working for you?

As long as you ask,

I'm not crazy about the
Jennifer Aniston hairdo.



Okay. This is...

I'm-I'm... I'm a little...
I'm a little confused here.

I thought you liked
the way I looked.

Oh, I do. I do.

I just think I'd like it better
if the ratio of hair to face

was more on the
face side of things.

Well, I will definitely
give it some thought.

Oh. I don't want you to do
anything you don't want to do.

Although, to be fair, I did
remove some hair for you.

After I almost
choked to death.

Okay, just need to post
a profile picture,

and let the dating begin.

Whoa.

To Catch a Predator.

Hello, sailor!

Wow. More chins
than a Chinese phone book.

Hey. We're heading out.

Have a nice dinner.

What are you going
to do tonight?

Well, I don't want
to jinx myself,

but I'm hoping to rub one out
and be asleep by 10:00.

Rub one out?

Oh, he's gonna wait
till we leave,

watch some porn
and masturbate.

Ah.

Oh. Ick.

You know what?

Don't just hang
out here alone.

Why don't you just
join us for dinner?

Oh, no, no, no. I don't want
to be a third wheel.

You two kids have a great time.

Thank you.
No.

We insist.

Tell him, Zoey.

Do join us, won't you?

Great.

Rain check.
Where we eating?

I was thinking about trying out
that new Italian place on PCH.

Ooh, really? Italian?
That's kind of heavy.

What are you
in the mood for?

Oh, no, no. It's your night.
I'm just tagging along.

I was rather looking
forward to Italian, so...

Well, you heard her.
The queen wants pasta.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ooh
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah.
♪ Men.

Darling, you have
some crumbs.

Oh. Thank you.

Mm.

That's another advantage
of having a beard.

After dinner, you always have
something left to snack on.

Charming.

She's not crazy
about the facial hair.

Oh, are you kidding?

He looks so rugged and sexy.

Grr.

Well, if it's such
a wonderful look,

why don't you grow a beard?

Oh, I tried.
Grew in patchy.

I looked like a possum on chemo.

Oh. Well, I think
most women would agree

that men look
much more attractive

when they're
properly groomed.

Really?

I've always been
properly groomed,

and all it's gotten me
is two divorces

and carpal tunnel syndrome.

Oh. Ick.

Alan, check out the bar.

Oh. Wow.

She looks fantastic.

Who's that?

It's Alan's old girlfriend.

You're joking.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Well done. Well done.

Alan, go say hello to her.

Oh, I don't know. I mean,
as much as I'd like to see her,

I'm not sure
she still wants to see me.

Uh, it didn't end well.

What happened?

Did she catch you
rubbing one out?

- Did I say that right?
- That was perfect.

Yeah? Okay.

Just go say hello to her.

Well, guess
it couldn't hurt.

I mean, she does look
a little pathetic

just sitting there
all by herself

waiting to get hit on
by some loser.

By all means,
save her from that.

All right, wish me luck.

Good luck.

Go get 'em.

Seriously, what's
wrong with her?

Hey, stranger.

Alan!

Hi! How have you been?

Uh, good. Good. You?

Real good.

Well, you look beautiful.

Thank you.

Yeah, I've been
working out.

Good.

Good, good. So, uh, what are
you doing here all by yourself?

- Oh, well...
- Sorry.

I don't think that valet has
ever driven a Ferrari before.

Alan, this is
my friend Dylan.

Dylan, this is Alan.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey, Alan.

Uh, Dylan, huh?

Uh, named after Bob?

No, named after my dad.

He was named after Bob.

Okay. Okay.

Uh, well, it was
nice to meet you.

Uh, Lyndsey, it's always
great to see you.

Um, I-I should get
back to my date.

Yeah, Walden's trying to
set me up with his baby sister.

She's very pretty.

Oh, yeah, she's okay.

Uh, it's a very
close family.

Seems overly complicated.

What?

Why don't they just make chips
with the dip already on 'em?

Dude.

Dude...

that's a million-dollar idea.

What is?

Pre-dipped chips.

See, that's
a million-dollar idea.

What's a million-dollar idea?

It's an idea
worth a million dollars.

Boy, I wish I had one of those.

I can't believe they brought
back Beavis and Butt-Head.

Yeah. Those guys are,
like, too stupid to live.

Uh-oh. That's my dad.

Quick, give me
that air freshener.

This is bug spray, dude.

Says it's for roaches.

Perfect.

Just forget about her, Alan.

I'm sure Zoey has some single
friends she can fix you up with.

No, I don't. Sorry.

I just can't get over
how young the guy is.

Well, a clean-shaven face
will do that for a man.

Well, thanks again for dinner.

I really thought
I was gonna eat both lobsters.

You really don't have
any single friends?

Shh. Just
keep walking.

Hey.

Hey.
Hey.

Oh, my God!

Is that bug spray?

Yeah, we were just
getting rid of some roaches.

Maybe we need
to call an exterminator.

I think we need
to call Domino's.

Mind if I hang out
with you guys?

Sure.

Who's dumber
than Beavis and Butt-Head?

Oh, hey, Eldridge,
I ran into your mom tonight.

Really? Was she with Dylan?

Yeah, yeah.
Have you met him?

What's he like?
Is it serious?

I doubt it. He's gay.

What? He's gay?

Oh, yeah, big poof.

Always hugging me
a little too long.

Wait. Are we talking
about the guy with the Ferrari?

Yeah. Dylan.

I once saw him wearing
my mom's underwear.

Oh, well, that doesn't mean
he's gay. He...

He might just like
pretty things.

Um, does your mom
ever mention me?

Yeah.

Yeah, all the time.
She really misses you.

You should stop by some time.

Huh.

Well, it's not too late.

Maybe I'll wander over there
and carpe me some diem.

Way to get rid of him.

Thanks.

Was any of it true?

Not a word.

What does "carpe me
some diem" mean?

It's French
for "bang your mom."

♪ Men.

Mmm.
Mmm. Hang on.

Beard.

Oh, please.

I know what you're
trying to do.

What?

Do you really hate
my beard that much?

"Hate" is a very strong word.

But, yeah, I hate it.

Okay, I don't
understand.

We've been going out
for a couple months.

Why is it all of a
sudden the problem?

All right.

This is probably
going to sound very shallow,

but there's a cocktail party
at my office this weekend,

and since I'm on the fast track
to make partner,

I'd rather not show up
with Hipster Jesus.

You're right, that
did sound shallow.

I'm sorry.

But if it's that
important to you

and the people you work with--
who obviously have never heard

of Steve Wozniak,
Richard Branson

or freakin'
Santa Claus...

I'll do it.

Really?

Yes, really.

And you'll cut the hair, too?

Aw, man!

Fine.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.

Now, what can I do
to make you happy?

Well...

Besides that.
Aw.

Oh, Dylan!

Oh, yes, Dylan!

Oh! Yes!

Dylan! Yes!

Dylan!

Big poof, my ass.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!
I hate that kid.

Yes, Dylan! Yes!

♪ Men.

So why'd you quit
being a hairdresser?

They shut down the prison.

You were in prison?

No, I was
a prison barber.

Which, to be honest,
was mostly about lice control

and trading sex for cigarettes.

What's going on?

I'm getting cleaned up
for Zoey's office party.

Wow. So you finally caved.

I did not cave.

Just want to make her happy.

Oh, yeah, I get it.

I've spent my whole life

doing what I'm told
to make women happy.

No, Zoey didn't order me
to shave or cut my hair.

It's my choice.

Yeah, and when I was
married to Judith,

it was my choice to get
a vasectomy, a new kitchen

and a Labradoodle with diarrhea.

Ooh.

Excuse me.

Hey, Lyndsey.

All right, Samson,
what do you want?

Look pretty for your cell mate
or the death row special?

Yeah, yeah,
it was good to see you, too.

W-What?

Yeah, I-I would love
to-to get together.

Uh, tomorrow night?

Great, I-I'll see you then.

Huh.

She's dating a young,
good-looking stud with money.

Why would she want to see me?

Maybe she needs a kidney.

♪ Men.

Surprise.

Walden, you promised.

I know. I'm sorry.

I just, I couldn't do it.

Then why did you
tell me you would?

Because I wanted you
to stop nagging me.

Are you calling me a nag?

No, I did not say that.

I said you were nagging.

What's the difference?

Obviously the "ging."

Walden, you gave me your word.

I-I was gonna go through
with it, and then I realized

this is who I am, and if
you don't like me for who I am,

then what's the point?

The point is you lied to me!

N-No, it wasn't a lie.

I meant it when I said it.

But you said it
to stop me "nagging!"

That's right.

No, that's wrong!

No, what you were trying
to make me do-- that's wrong.

Now, are we going to your
stupid office party or what?

Okay, so I guess you're
going with the "or what!"

You know what, thank you
for showing me your true colors

before I fell
hopelessly in love with you!

Uh-oh.

Excuse me?

♪ Men.

I have missed you
so much.

I missed you, too.

Uh, maybe this is the
wrong time to ask this,

but don't you
have a boyfriend?

We broke up.

So you left
Dylan for me?

Don't be silly.

Wait, wait.

So-So he left you?

No.

O-Okay, I'm confused.

Do you really want to know?

Actually, I
think I'm good.

Do you have any idea
how exhausting it is

going out with a gorgeous
25-year-old man?

If I said "yes," this would be
a whole different conversation.

Let me give you an example.

Every morning, I had to get up
an hour before him

to put on makeup
so he wouldn't open his eyes

and think he just
nailed his mom.

Nobody wants that.

And that's not
the worst part.

A man his age wants
to have sex constantly.

And that's a problem?

After a certain point, yes.

There's not enough
cranberry juice in the world

to put out the fire
that's burning between my legs.

Um...

Well, the fire between
my legs just went out.

I mean, the entire time
I was with him,

I walked out of
the bedroom backwards

so he wouldn't see my ass.

What's wrong
with your ass?

Oh, Alan.

That's why
I've missed you so much.

I-I don't get it.

Your standards are
so much lower than Dylan's.

I don't have to worry about
disappointing you.

I do set a low bar.

Or worry about you leaving me
for a younger woman.

- Why not?
- You can't get one.

And you want to know
the best part?

It gets better?

I could sit here
and fart like a buffalo,

and you'd still
want to be with me.

Well, with age
comes wisdom.

A fella learns to breathe
through his mouth.

Come here, you.

You're testing
me, aren't you?

I am.

Hang on.

Whew! That's a dead buffalo.

- Oh, hey, Zoey.
- Hi, Alan.

Is Walden here?

Uh, you know, I'm not sure.

I haven't seen him all day.

Uh, Walden,
you up there?!

Coming!

Uh, oh, Lyndsey, Zoey.

Zoey, Lyndsey.
Hi.

Hi.

We just got
back together.

Really?

Oh, did that lovely boy die?

Zoey?

Hmm?

Oh, my God.

Look at you.

You like it?

Like it?

I'm tempted to rub one out.

But why?

Well, it turns out, when you
weren't nagging me to do it,

I wanted to.

What are you
doing here?

I came to apologize for nagging.

I had no right
to try and change you.

Thank you.

I also hoped you might elaborate

on that "falling in love"
comment.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

All right then, come with me.

Where are we going?

I want to test drive
this new face of yours.

Oh.

Hop on!

That poor girl.

Yeah, he looks younger
and prettier than before.

She's gonna have to hold in her
farts till the Fourth of July.

Mm-hmm.

♪ Men.

Here's your
cranberry juice.

Thank you.

So, uh, how will you know

when your lady problems
have cleared up?

I'll be able to pee
without screaming.

Thanks so much
for letting me use your loo.

Oh, any time.

I know it's silly,
but I just don't want Walden

to hear any of
my bathroom noises.

I totally understand.

Thank you. Night.

Good night.

Dylan took me to Hawaii
for a week, I didn't crap once.

Is that so?

Thank God he fell asleep
on the flight back.

Why's that?

Gave me a chance to unload.

I put the first-class lavatory
totally out of commission.

Really?
Yeah.

Stewardess thought
it was a terrorist attack.

All right, good night.

Yeah, o-okay.

Good night.

They don't have what we have.

No, they don't.