Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 13 - Slowly and in a Circular Fashion - full transcript

Walden wants to steer his company into new investments, but is blocked within the board by his vindictive ex Bridget and his own mother Robin, whom she bribed with doubled primate research funds. Walden's British lover Zoey however finds a way out in the company bylaws: he founder can name an additional board member and cast the deciding vote. Looking for a spineless pawn, Walden chooses Alan, who is delighted with the $50,000 annual fee and board room treats. Bridget and Robin try to bribe Alan with a Porsche and intimate attention.

Previously on Two And A Half Men...

Hey, Alan,
meet my mother, Robin.

- Nice to meet you, Alan.
- Likewise.

I know what I want for

- Bridget?
- I can't sign the divorce papers.

I love you, and
I want you back.

I want you so badly.

I... want you, too.

I don't think it's a good
idea to sleep with you,

since I started seeing
someone new,

and I think she might
be the real deal.

Not that you weren't the
real deal; you're just

the ex-real deal, and
she's the next real deal.

I can't believe you waited till
I was half-naked in your bed

to tell me you were seeing
someone else.

Kinda hard to bring up while
you're taking off my pants.

Go to hell, you son of a bitch!

That didn't go
as well as I'd hoped.

I wouldn't worry about it.

She doesn't look like the
type to carry a grudge.

♪ Men... ♪




A social media company I
invested in just went belly-up.

Oh, no. How much
did you invest?

I don't know.
About $80 million.

$80 million...?!

Eh, give or take.
Mostly took.

And-And you consider losing that
kind of money an "oops"?


No, no, no. "Oops" is when you
clip your toenails

too close and they bleed.

"Oops" is when you mistake

toothpaste for lubricant.

"Oops" is when you thought a
fart in the elevator

was going to be silent.

You've mistaken toothpaste for

Just once.

Stung like hell, but my penis
was minty fresh.

Wait, how do you know
it was minty fresh?

Years of yoga and loneliness.

- Uh-oh.
- What?


Uh, see that's
the correct use of the "uh-oh."

Hello, Bridget.

Yeah, I just saw.

Yes, I know
half the money is yours.

Was yours.

Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way,

but I'm still the president of
the company

and I can invest the money any
way I want.

What do you mean,
"We'll see about that"?

Well, I can't do that, Bridget.

But apparently, Alan can.

H-Hello? Bridget...


"Oh, crap."

Oh... crap.

Yeah, that's better.

♪ Men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

# Two and a Half Men 9x13 #
Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
Original Air Date on January 2, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

♪ Men. ♪
Okay, Bridget...

you've got your board meeting,
but I don't see the point.

The stock of the company is
divided between the three of us,

and obviously my mother is going
to vote with me.

Are you sure about that?

Of course I am. Right, Mom?

Well darling,
you know I love you.

Oh, crap.

The fact is, you have been

burning through a lot
of money recently.

It's my money to burn through!

I can't believe you turned my
own mother against me.

We're just looking out for
everyone's best interest.

Sweetie, no one is against you.

With all due respect, Robin,
I'm against him.

Now, I'd like to propose that
Walden Schmidt be removed

as president of Walden
Loves Bridget Enterprises,

and going forward all
financial decisions

will be made by a
majority vote of the board.

You're kicking me
out of my own company?!

You'll still have
a vote on the board.

- All in favor.
- Aye.

- Aye.
- Naaaay!

Motion is passed.

Come on, Mom!

I'm sorry, sweetie,
it's for your own good.

Next, I'd like to propose
doubling the budget

of the Robin Schmidt Primate
Research Center.

- Why would we double the bud...?
- Aye.

- Aye.
- Motion carried.

I move that the
meeting be adjourned.

Second it.

- All in favor. Aye.
- Aye.

Meeting adjourned.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

This is... this is not over!

I'm gonna get an attorney,
and I'm going to fight this!

I thought I was your attorney.

I'm sorry, Uncle Martin,
you're out.

♪ Men... ♪

What do you think, Counselor?
Can I fight 'em?

- I have a few questions first.
- Shoot.

Walden Loves Bridget

What do you want from me?

I had a billion dollars
and a constant erection.

Fortunately, all you
lost in the divorce is

the half a billion dollars.

Okay, the first thing I
do when I get the company

back is change the name.

Yeah, well, be that as it may,
the fact remains that as long

as it's just the three of you on
the board, they can outvote you.

- Aw...
- But the good news is...

- Yay.
- Let me finish.

According to these bylaws,

you as founder have
the unilateral right

to name a fourth
person to the board.

And in the case of a tie
vote, you also have the

right to break that tie.

So, if I put someone
on the board and the

vote's two-two, I win.


You are very smart.

It's not
just a hat rack.

Great. Hey, do you want to be on
the board of my company?

I'll change the name
to Walden Loves Zoey, Inc.

Thanks, but I don't think
it's a good idea

to mix business and,
you know, genitalia.

Okay. Well, will you at
least be my lawyer?

Of course.

I'm already screwing you.

♪ Men. ♪

So basically you have to
find a fourth board member

who you can totally control.

- Like a puppet.
- A patsy.

A tool.
And would help

if they're not terribly bright
when it comes to finance.

Where am I going to find
somebody like that?

♪ You're the one that I want,
you're the one that I want ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ The one that I want,
you're the one that want ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪

So, I've narrowed my
choices down to two.

- # You better shape up #
- Alan?

♪ 'Cause need a man ♪

♪ And my heart is set on you ♪

♪ Better shape up ♪

♪ You better understand that my heart...♪

- Alan?
- Oh, golly.

Whatcha doing?

Uh, well, there is a theory that
uh... wind resistance

can be reduced by the removal
of body hair.

What, are you running a

Yeah, why else would I be
shaving my legs?

Because I like the way it feels?
What's up?

How would you like to be on
the board of my company?

Oh... Are you kidding?
I would like nothing more

than to be on the board
of your company.


- Just one question.
- Yeah?

What exactly does it mean to be?

Basically, all you got to do is
vote with me

so I can take back control from
ex-wife and my mother.

Oh, hey, anything I can do

to stick it to ex-wives and
mothers, I'm there.

- Thanks.
- Uh, uh...Just out of curiosity,

um, is there an honorarium
or a stipend

for members of the board?

Nothing to speak of.

$50,000 a year.


I'm celebrating out of both ends
of my body.

I shudder to think what would
have happened

if I'd have said
a hundred thousand.

We would've had
to drain the tub.

Well, anyway, it's great to know
you're on my team.

Oh, absolutely.
You can count on me.

Got a lot of wind
resistance down there?

Not anymore.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

What's the
point of this, Walden?

You know we're just gonna
outvote you again.

For your own good, sweetie.

Thanks, Mom.
But before we get to voting,

I'd like to introduce you to
Zoey Hyde-Tottingham-Pierce,

my new attorney
and sex partner.

My card just says "attorney."

What's he doing here?

Wanna tell 'em, Alan?

Mmm. Hold on.


Walden put me on the board.

You can't do that!

Oh, but I can.

Sock it to 'em, babe.

These are the corporate bylaws

of... Walden Loves Bridget

I told you I'm
gonna change the name.

I call your attention
to page five,

paragraph four, subparagraph B.

It states that Walden,
as founder,

has the unrestricted right

to name one additional
board member.

Really looking forward
to working with you.


Alan, wait till there's a vote.

Oh, okay.
Um, you know, there's no way

we're gonna finish
all this food.

We should really get some Ziploc
baggies and take it home.

Not now, Alan.

Oh, let me just get it out of
the sun.

Okay, I would like to move that
I be reinstated as president.

All in favor? Aye.


- Now?
- Now.

Walden, why are
you doing this?

Bridget and I are just
going to vote no and then

you're going to have a tie.

Au contraire, mon frare.


In the event of a tie vote,
Walden Thoreau Schmidt,

as company founder, has the
unlimited right to cast

an additional vote
to break said tie.


Hold on. I am not voting until
my lawyer looks at this.

Me neither.

Suit yourself.

This isn't over, Walden.

Love you, sweetie.

Love you too, Mom.

Hey, Walden,
what's the company policy

on board members
dating each other?

You want to date
my ex-wife?

No, no, that would be weird.

My mother?

No, no.

Then what are
you talking about?

I just wanna be clear
on the policy.

Last thing we need
is a sexual harassment lawsuit.

Am I right, sweet cheeks?

♪ Men. ♪

Hi. Can I get
you something?

Uh, yes, I am
celebrating a new job.

What's your most
expensive drink?

We have a Pierre Benoit cognac
for a thousand dollars a shot.

Good to know.
I'll have a light beer.

Hello, Alan.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Alan.

Oh, Bridget. Hi.

Isn't this a happy

the three of us running
into each other?

Listen, ladies,
with all due respect,

I've been instructed
not to discuss

any company business outside
of the boardroom.

What makes you think
we want to talk about business?

Aw, come on.

I may have been born yesterday,

but I was up late last night.

What does that
even mean?

It means...

I don't know.
I heard it in a movie.

May I help you ladies?

I'll have
a Pierre Benoit cognac.

Oh, make that two.

Separate checks.

Alan, isn't there
any way we can work

together on this
board vote?

I'm sorry, but I'm loyal
to your son.

Well, so am I.

I'm trying to protect
him from himself.

And I would think an
intelligent, successful,

good-looking man like
would see that.

Well, that's very flattering,

but I'm afraid
you've overplayed your hand.

No one would call me successful.

Forget it, Robin.

I knew he wouldn't go for it.

I'll call you later.


Eh, we had to try.

I understand-- there's
a lot money at stake.

Mmm! That's what
I always imagined

Gisele Bundchen
would taste like.

What do you say we
forget about business

and just enjoy the evening?

Well, I'm all for
enjoying the evening,

but your hand is on
my business.

Would you like me
to move it?


Slowly and in
a circular fashion.

♪ Men. ♪


Hey. Where you been?

Just going out clothes shopping.

Can't be a corporate board
member wearing khakis

and polo shirt
I got at a swap meet

from some
dead guy's wife, right?


Is that Barney's?


What are you doing?

I'm just looking over
this mobile gaming startup

I want to invest in
when I get my company back.

Right, right.

Oh, did you see the look
on my mom's face

when I sprung you on her?

Actually, I wasn't looking
at her face when I...


And-And why do you even want
to invest in more companies?

You've got me money than
you're ever gonna use.


So maybe it's time
to move on.

You know, do something else.

Learn to dance.

Since when do you care
about how I spend my money?

Well, technically,
it's the company's money,

and now that I'm on
the board,

I have a fiduciary duty
to the stockholders.

Fiduciary duty.

You're adorable.

I'm serious--
you need to slow down

on the spending
for your own good.

Wait a minute.

You haven't by chance been
talking to my mother

and my ex-wife, have you?

What?! Me?!

Talk?! Them?!


Because if you're
not gonna support me,

there are plenty of other people
who would be happy

to take place
and your $50,000 stipend.

Now, hold on--
I think I bring

a unique skill set
to the table.

Jake, do you want to be on
the board of my company?!

Hell, yeah!

Oh, come on.
I'm smarter than him!

Listen, Alan, I put you on

the board of my company
for a reason,

and I need to know
you have my back.

Of course I have your back.

What could possibly make me
even consider betraying you?



Certainly not some
expensive cognac

and a happy ending in
the men's room.

♪ Men. ♪

So, Alan, are we all set
for tomorrow's board meeting?

Boy, I want to say yes...

What do you mean?

I thought we had
an understanding.

Gee, I wish I
could say we do...

Alan, sweetie,
are you saying

that we can't count on you?

I knew it!
Walden got to him.

Hang on, Bridget.
He's a reasonable man.

Right, Alan?

That's not gonna work.

I masturbated three times
before got here.

All right, let's cut
to the chase.

What would it take to make you
change your mind?

Oh, really?
You want to play that game?


How about
a brand-new red Porsche?

I just love being inside you.


Hey, hi.

That's a nice car.

Oh, well, uh,

that's what you get when
you save your nickels.

That's three million
nickels, Alan.

It's a lease?

Is there something
you want to tell me

about the board meeting

I'm weak.

I'm so very weak.

It's okay.

That's why I chose you.

All right, there's
a motion on the table.

Shall Walden Schmidt
be restored to president

of Walden Loves Bridget

Right after the meeting,
I'm changing the name.

Thank you.

I vote nay.




Are you kidding me?!

Okay, okay, if it
makes you feel any better,

you're not the first women
I've disappointed.

Here, you can have the car back.

It's out of gas.

And unfortunately, Robin,

I can't return what you gave me,
but I really enjoyed it.

I should have known
you had a hand in this.

All right, I use my founder's
vote to break the tie,

I am reinstated
as president,

and as my first
official act,

I would like to change
the name of the company

to Walden Loves Alan


This meeting's adjourned.
Shall we?

With pleasure.

Oh, it was lovely
to see you again.

Hey, hey, hey!

♪ Men. ♪

You know, as long
as we're in the business

of investing in
high-tech ideas--

a while back, I invented
a little chiropractic device

that allows people
to adjust their own backs.

No kidding?

Yeah. I call it


Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Only problem is there's
a caulking gun,

a reggae band and a porn site
with the same name.

Why don't you just change
the name?

Mm-- I would,

but I already printed out
30,000 brochures.

Well, tell me about the product.

How does it work?

Oh, really, really simple.

It's two hard rubber balls
attached to a stick

that you lay on and move
up and down your spine.

How is that high-tech?

Uh... we'd sell it
over the Internet?

Well, I'll certainly
consider it.


Please don't push this, Alan.

Oh, oh!

As agreed upon.

Oh, oh, is this what
I think it is?

Yeah, a deal's a deal.

I get your vote on the board
of my company,

you get your name on the deed
to the house.

Oh, my God.


Does this mean
I can borrow against it?

- No.
- Sell it?

- No.
- Have the big bedroom upstairs?


Can I tell women it's my house?

Why would you stop now?

Life is good.

Ooh! Oops!


Oh, crap! Oh, crap!
Oh, crap! Oh, crap!

Oh, crap! Oh, crap!
Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==