Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 12 - One False Move, Zimbabwe! - full transcript

Walden and Zoey are now so comfortable in and out of bed that he gets her to agree to inviting their surviving parents. Her RAF-retired father Edward and mother Sharon remain calmly tolerant despite everything. Jake stays with his buddy Eldridge and grandma avoided inviting Alan, so Walden takes pity on him once more. Walden's mother, zoological researcher Robin, is startled when their conversation reveals a secret from Walden's early childhood, being raised with a 'brother' who actually was a gorilla.

♪ Men. ♪

Oh, dear!

I'm sorry, did
I wake you up?

What are you doing?

I was trying to find
a nice way to wake you up.

Well, kudos, you found one.

Here. Merry day
before Christmas.

I thought we agreed not
to exchange presents.

Well, you gave me a pretty
nice present last night.

Actually two.

You're terrible.

Open it.

Dare I say it?
Key to your heart?

Better. It's a key
to my house.

Walden, I can't accept
a key to your house.

It's a bit premature.

Well, if anything in our
relationship's going to be premature,

I prefer it to be
the house key.

It's a very sweet gesture.


Oh, my!

I've got to pick up my daughter
from her father's

and I've got to get to the
airport to pick up my parents.

Are you sure I can't
come with you?


Why not?
We get along great.

Your parents are in town,
my mom's coming to visit.

It's Christmas.

What better time for everybody
to get to know each other?

Walden, we're still
getting to know each other.

- I know you.
- Really?

What color
are my eyes then?

Brown. the left one's got a
little fleck of green in it.


You say you're a size two,
but you're actually a size four.

You run the water
in the bathroom

to cover the sound
of you peeing.

All right fine. Let me put it
another way.

No families this year.

And I am a size two.

Merry Christmas.

She took the key.


♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

♪ Two and a Half Men 9x12 ♪
One False Move, Zimbabwe!
Original Air Date on December 11, 2011

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

♪ Men. ♪

When's your mom
getting in?

Any time now.

She's on her way
up from San Diego.

Oh, hey, is Jake's room ready?

I did what I could.

It still has kind of
a teenage stink to it.

Maybe I should put her
in Alan's room.

Oh, no, that smells
like failure and foot powder.

Is that mistletoe?


Well, bring it, Santa.

Oh, merry Christmas to me.

You know they make belt
buckles with mistletoe on 'em?

You're kidding.

Check your stocking.

So, listen, uh, I want to give
you a nice Christmas bonus.

What do you think
would make you happy?

Check your damn stocking
and put on the buckle.

How about three weeks pay and
another kiss on the cheek?

Do I get to pick
the cheek?

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, Mom, where are you?

Oh, okay,
that's about ten miles away...

and it's rush hour,
so figure... three hours.

Yeah, I can't wait
to see you, too.

So I'm thinking that since

this is our first Christmas
without Charlie,

we should spend it together.

Yes, Mom,
I'd rather get laid, too...

but I think
family is more important.

Hey, Mom.

Yeah, I'm just driving
to Dad's.

In 500 feet,
turn left.

Yes, I'm seeing someone.

No, you can't meet her.

Because it's too soon.

I don't know what it means.

It's just
what she keeps telling me.

Uh, Mom, y-you're breaking up.

I-I'm sorry, what did you say?

Y-Y-You want a tuna sandwich?

Oh, oh, you're
in a two-man sandwich.

Uh, well, I, I hope
they're using condiments.

Uh, well, listen, I-I-I got
to go, I got another call.

Dear Lord.


Oh, Jake, merry Christmas.

Hey, Dad,
I just wanted to call

and tell you merry Christmas
and wish you happy holidays.

No, no, Mom and Herb
are out to dinner.

I'm just chilling
at the ski lodge.

Room service.

Oh, hang on.

I ordered
a cheeseburger.

Got to go, Dad.

Yeah, I know
the tip's included.

All right, bye.

All right, now you call your mom

and tell her
you're with your dad.

Hey, Mom, I'm with your dad.

No, no.

♪ Men. ♪

This is gonna be
the best Christmas ever.

Yeah, swell.

I got a great
new girlfriend.

My girlfriend's got a
great new boyfriend.

My mom is coming.

So is mine.

Wherever she is.

Went to the Apple Store

and bought myself
a bunch of cool presents.

I went to the grocery store
and got myself an apple.

Sounds like somebody's got
the holiday blues.

Oh, little bit.

My son's with his
mother and her husband,

and this is my first Christmas
without Charlie.

What would you two
normally do?

Oh, we had kind of
a holiday tradition.

Um, he would drink
a gallon of eggnog

and then try to throw me
out of the house at gunpoint.

Good times.

Well, you're not going
to spend this year alone.

You're going to have Christmas
with me and my mom.

Well, thank you,
that's very nice of you.

You want to hear a funny idea?

You and my mom
are about the same age.

If you guys started dating
and got married,

you'd be my new daddy.

Wait, h-hold on,
I-I'm your mom's age?

How old do you think I am?

I don't know, what, like 60?

I'm 44.

Oh, well, you look older.

Oh, there she is.

That's it.

Tomorrow I start moisturizing.

- Mom.
- Baby.

Eyeball, eyeball.

Nose and mouth.

I love you north.

I love you south.

Hey, Alan, meet
my mother Robin.

Nice to meet you, Alan.


Mom, let me show
you my place.

Check it out, I
got my own ocean.

Well, it's not
completely mine.

I have to share the
other side with Japan.

It's very nice, dear.

Yeah, I'm rich.

Well... I know
what I want for Christmas.

♪ Men. ♪

So how long have you two
been living together?

A couple
of months.

I see.

I'm sorry, I-I have to ask.

Is this the woman
you don't want me to meet?



No, Alan is just a friend.

Tell her.

Butch and Sundance,
not Brokeback Mountain.

Okay, sorry.

I-I mean, you have to admit,
it's a rather strange set-up--

a 33-year-old man living
with a 60-year-old.

I'm 44.

Right, me, too.

Alan helped me through
my break-up with Bridget,

and then he needed
a place to stay,

so I asked him
to stick around.

Oh, that is so like you.

When Walden was
a little boy,

he used to bring home sick,
helpless animals all the time.

God help me,
I can't take that as an insult.

So, uh, what do you do, Robin?

I'm a primatologist.

I, I work mainly
with gorillas.

Oh, oh, so I guess that makes
you the gorilla my dreams.

It was hysterical
when Bugs Bunny did it.

And thanks
to the financial support

of my brilliant son,
I have a private

gorilla sanctuary in Temecula.

Oh, no kidding?

Yeah, we take

who were born
in captivity

and those who have lost
their wild habitats

and provide them
with a safe, stable,

loving family

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

Does one have to be a gorilla
to apply for admittance?

I'm afraid so.

Story of my life.

When I was little,
I always wanted

to play with the gorillas.

I even made up my own
imaginary gorilla friend.

Remember Magilla, Mom?

Hmm, yeah,
but he wasn't imaginary.


Walden, Magilla lived
with us

for the first four years
of your life.

He was real?


Do you want
to see some pictures?

Wait, w-w-wait,
Magilla was real?

Very much so.

Wait, you actually had
a gorilla living with you?

Yep, I was doing experiments
to see if gorillas could learn

as fast as human children, so

I raised Magilla and Walden
together from birth.


All we had was a schnauzer
and an Argentinean tennis pro.

Uncle Javier.

The tennis pro,
not the schnauzer.

Hold on a second,
I was raised with a gorilla?

Oh, well, just until
you started preschool.

Now, look, here's you and
Magilla together in your crib.

And here's

the two of you
at your first birthday.

Wait a minute,

is that how I learned
sign language?

I'm sorry, I don't have
any bananas.

Look, there's
the two of you

on the playground.

Oh, your first

You went as a gorilla,

and Magilla went as a ghost.

Whoa, whoa.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's
starting to come back to me.

Like, riding
tricycles together,

and running...
running around the house.

Or playing hide in the closet.

Wait. Why were we always
hiding in the closet?

Well, the Homeowners Association
didn't allow cats or dogs.

What would they have said
about a gorilla?

Yeah. I remember.

You told me he was my brother.

Well, in a sense, he was.

And then one day, he was gone.


You said
he got sent back to the jungle.

Well, sweetheart,
we didn't have any choice.

He was getting too big.
He, uh...

He tried
to kill a Jehovah's Witness.

Now, Now, to be fair,
who among us hasn't...

Not now, Alan.

This is really starting
to freak me out.

Well, sweetie,
I-I don't understand

why you're making such
a big deal out of this.

You're kidding, right?

I-I just discovered
that my brother is a gorilla!

kind of a big deal!

Hey, my brother was a pig,
so, I mean...

I said, not now, Alan!

Walden, calm down.

You do realize
that I spent my entire childhood

worrying that if I misbehaved,

I would get sent away
to the jungle like Magilla!

One false move, Zimbabwe!

Well, sweetheart, I...

I never knew
that you felt like that.

Of course you didn't.

You were so busy
doing your experiment!


Kids, huh?

So, you seeing anybody?

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Walden, it's Mom.
Where are you?

Please call me back
so we can talk about this.

I had no idea he'd repressed
all those childhood memories.

Well, apparently,

losing what he thought was
his sibling was very traumatic.

I'm wondering if maybe I have
to rethink his Christmas gift.

Why? What did you get him?

A bathrobe.

Yeah, not a good idea.

And I can't even return it.

It's slightly irregular.

You must think
I'm a terrible mother.

Well, let's compare
mothering techniques.

Um, did you tell him
that Disneyland burned down

to avoid having
to take him there

for his sixth, seventh
and eighth birthdays?


Did you tell him
to walk it off

after his appendix burst?


Did you tell me
the only reason you got pregnant

was because you didn't want
to smear your lipstick?

Of course not!

Then, far as I'm concerned,

you're Mother
of the Freakin' Year. Hmm.

Mm. Although I did store
Walden's embryo

in a cryogenic chamber until
Magilla's mother got pregnant

so they could be born
at the same time.

Okay, flag on the play.

You did what?

I needed my child
and the gorilla

to be born at the same time
for the experiment to be valid.

And your husband
was okay with this?

It was for science.

And I may not have told him.

Okay, well, well, after all
that time and energy,

what did you learn?

My son is smarter
than a gorilla.

Mine's not.

♪ Men. ♪

Oh, Walden,
what are you doing here?

My brother is a gorilla,
and she sent him away.

I'm sorry. Is that some sort
of American Christmas Carol?

No. It's a succinct summation

of my seminal years
with a simian sibling.

Are you drunk?

I ought to be.
I've taken the necessary steps.

Sweetie, this isn't
a very good time.

You're telling me.

My mother is a mad scientist,

and I spent the first four years
of my life

flinging poop with my brother...
the gorilla.


Mummy and Daddy,

this is the fellow
I was telling you about.

How do you do?

Wing Commander Edward
Hyde-Tottingham, R.A.F. retired.

This is my wife Sharon.


Nice to meet you.

Let me ask you something, Shary.

Would you have raised
your daughter

with a jungle beast
in an effort

to satisfy
your scientific curiosity?

Well... I really couldn't say.

I have cross-bred orchids.

Yes. They're lovely.

As are you, my darling.

Walden, I don't understand.

Did something happen
with your mother?

Oh, yeah, something happened.

My entire life is a lie.

You know why I try so hard
to please you sexually?


I'm afraid if I don't
give you multiple orgasms,

that you'll banish
me to Central Africa.


The Commander and I have often
traveled to Africa on safari.

Is that so?

Oh, yes.

Though I can't say
I've ever had multiple orgasms.

Lucky if I get the one.

♪ Men. ♪

Come on, Walden,
call me back.

I'm worried sick.

He always disappears
like this when he's upset.

As a child, he'd climb
into a tree to sulk,

and when I'd try
to get him down,

he'd beat his chest
and bellow at me.

Remind you of anybody?

Yeah. His father.


Oh, uh, hi, Zoey.

Walden's not here.


Okay, well, well, thanks
for letting me know.

What's going on?

Apparently, your son got drunk

and climbed up
onto his girlfriend's roof.

He, what?

Still early. We could
catch a movie.

Are you out of your mind?
We have to go get him.

Oh, oh, absolutely, sure. I was
just about to suggest that.

Are you on Facebook?

Maybe I could give
you a poke sometime.

♪ Men. ♪

Uh... Walden?

What are you doing here?

Well... to be perfectly honest,

I'm trying
to impress your mother.

Why? She used me
as a guinea pig.

Yeah, well,
my mother once left me

at summer camp
till Thanksgiving.


So, we can't keep
blaming our parents

for how our lives turned out.

Oh! Oh!

Be careful.
If you fall, you'll die.

Thank you.

Did you forgive your mother?

No, never,

but I'm a small, petty man.

You, however,
have accomplished great things

and have the capacity
to accomplish even more.

What about Magilla?

I loved him,
and she just sent him away.

Yeah. That's rough.

But I know what it's like
to lose a brother.

Who, by the way, also tried
to kill a Jehovah's Witness.

He was hung over,

and they just kept ringing
that damn doorbell.

This is the LAPD.

Please get off of the roof!

Go away! Leave me alone!

Don't wave your arms
at the aircraft.

That never ends well.

Get out of here!

It's all right!

It's just a mother issue!

Walden, you come down
from there right now!

Oh, excuse me?

Are you Walden's mum?

Yes. Are-Are you Zoey?

- I am.
- It's so nice to meet you.

Likewise. These
are my parents.

Wing Commander
Edward Hyde-Tottingham.

This is my
wife Sharon.

Lovely to meet you.

Your son's a charming
young man.

Yes, charming.

Thank you.

Thinks he's the brother
of a monkey.

What's all that about?

I think
that's my dad up there.

I think you're right.

Want to get some
frozen yogurt?


♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Walden, I hope
you understand, honey,

I never meant to hurt you.

I know.

This is the best
Christmas gift ever.

Oh, I'm so glad.

See you in a few.

You really are
a terrific mom.

Oh, thanks.

And woman.

Give it a rest, Alan.


That's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.


What's the Taser for?

That's a 400-pound gorilla.

This really could have
gone either way.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==