Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 11 - What a Lovely Landing Strip - full transcript

Just as Walden appears ready to pursue a new relationship with Zoe, Bridget returns and says that she wants him back.

Excuse me. Do you know the difference
between organic beef...

...and grass-fed beef?

She was totally hitting on you.
You should ask her out.

Hey, Zoey,
you wanna go on a date with me?


When I was in high school,
I met this girl named Bridget.

- You're still in love with her, aren't you?
- Look, no wedding ring.

- Hmm. I noticed the bright-white tan line.
- No worries, I gave it to Alan.


- Very valuable.
- Hmm.

You seem like a really sweet guy...

...but I think you're still kind of married
to your Bridget.

Face it, you're not ready to be dating yet.

- You, uh, want your ring back?
- Yeah.

- I don't need this anymore.
- Are you sure?

I'm positive.

My precious. My precious!

My precious. My precious.

My precious.

- Mind if I take this?
- Oh, oh.

Uh, no, somebody's sitting here.

Well, where are they?

- They're not here yet.
- Well, I'm here and I need a chair.

Oh, uh... Honestly, I have a girl coming.

Well, when she gets here,
I'll give it back to her.

See, I don't believe that.

You calling me a liar?

No, but I've been burned before.

- I'm taking this chair.
- No, you're not.

- Yes, I am. Let go.
- No, you let go.

You let go of the chair.
I had the chair before you came.

- No, no.
- It's my chair.

Walden, is everything all right?

Ha! She's here. Now back off.

- What was that all about?
- It was an attempt at a chair-jacking.

Here, I got you a tea.

Thank you. I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm trying to get my daughter into
Bellwood Academy. It's a nightmare.

She tests well,
but she did not give a good interview.

- How old is your daughter again?
- Five.

- And Bellwood Academy is, uh...
- Kindergarten.

Wow. When I was 5, I got kicked out
of preschool for biting my teacher.

- Why did you bite her?
- She tried to steal my chair.

Yeah, you heard me. I bit her.

She had to get a shot.

Take it easy. Okay?

So I was rather surprised
to hear from you. What's up?

I was thinking a lot about what you said
about not wanting to date me...

...while I was still, you know,
emotionally attached to my ex-wife.

I said you were still hopelessly
in love with her.

Potato, "potato."

The point is you were right.

I wasn't ready to start dating,
but I am now.

A whole week later.

I understand your skepticism,
which is why I want you... witness what I'm about to do.
These are my final divorce papers.

And once I sign them,
my marriage will be over forever.

I was hoping
that you and I can start fresh.

Nothing like starting off a new
relationship on the ashes of the old one.

That's what I was thinking.

- Oh. Uh... You got a pen?
- Ahh.

- I don't think I do.
- Okay.

Uh, does anybody got a pen
I can borrow?

Anyone? Nobody?

- Excuse me, do you got a pen?
- Sorry.

This is unbelievable.

Can I please borrow your pen?

I'm sorry, someone's using it.


They're not here yet.

I will give you $100 to borrow that pen.

- Here.
- Use mine.

Jolly good sunset, eh, what?

Excuse me? Ha, ha.

I like the way you talk,
so I thought I'd give it a go.

Well, no one says "jolly good" unless
they're appearing in a revival of Oliver.

- Right, right, right.
- Oh, God.

Please, sir, may I have a kiss?

Ha, ha. Stop it.

No, seriously, I want a kiss.

All right.

- So...
- Hmm?

Would you like to stay
for dinner tonight?

I'd love to,
but I have to pick up my daughter.

- Yeah?
- Mm.

How about dinner this weekend?

- Sure.
- Great.

- You like Mexican food?
- I do.

Ooh. Terrific.

So we'll go to Guadalajara.

- Oh. Is that a new restaurant?
- No, it's an old city in Mexico.

- You want to go to Mexico for dinner?
- Yeah.

We'll take my plane.
I'll have you back by midnight.

So hang on. You... You don't own a pen,
but you own a plane?

Yeah. You can always borrow a pen.
Try to borrow a plane.

- Hmm. Hmm?
- So, what do you say?

- Let me see if I can get a sitter.
- Oh.


You know, I think we should start
making plans for Christmas.

Surfing in Fiji, skiing in the Alps,
making out in Malibu.

Yes. Now, Walden, um, let's be very clear.

You are a sweet and wonderful guy...

...but you've just come out of a very
long-term relationship.

- So you're clearly on the rebound.
- So?

Yes. So I don't know if we should
be making Christmas plans just yet.

- Okay, fine.
- Mm-hm?

We'll slow things down.

- Good.
- Forget Christmas.

- Thank you.
- You'll be my Valentine, right?

Oh, my God.

You're like no man I've ever met.

Hmm. A bit of an odd bloke, eh, what?

- Oh, God. Stop it.
- Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more.

This is nice. Like old times.

- How so?
- You and me sitting here...

...watching TVwhile the good-looking
owner of the house is on the deck...

...swapping spit with a hot chick.

Yeah, there is a bit of d?j? vu.

Not only that.
It feels like it's happened before.

Yes, it does.

Man, I've seen so much crazy stuff
in this house, I could write a book.

That's a good idea. Got a title?

Hmm. Maybe I can't write a book.

All right, then, cheerio.

- Cheerio?
- It means goodbye in England.


What do they have for breakfast
over there, a bowl of goodbyes?

Hello, lads.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- So Zoey seems very nice.
- Yeah, the bird really tickles my fancy.

Help me out here.
Is fancy the English word for nut sack?

No, it means that I like her.

I think this could get serious.

Wow. You're moving pretty quick,
aren't you?

- That's what she said.
- Ha-ha-ha.

What are you laughing at?

- He did a "that's what she said" joke.
- Because that's what she said.

Oh. That's not funny.

- She thinks I'm on the rebound.
- Well, aren't you?

You were with Bridget for 15 years.

That's over. I signed the divorce papers.

Ah. I'm ready to fall in love again.

Please tell me you didn't actually
say that to her.

- Why?
- Dude, even I know that's wrong.

Walden, you're young, you're rich,
you're handsome.

If I was one of those things, I would've
screwed myself to death years ago.

Well, I wanna be in a relationship.

With romance and intimacy
and commitment.

Oh, I get it. You're a chick.

Jake, we're living in his house.

A very nice chick.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

You don't have to wear the hat.

It's not the hat.
Well, it's not totally the hat.

- It's the incredible extravagance.
- Ha, ha.

You realize I'm not ready
to sleep with you, yes?

- Oh, I'm not trying to have sex with you.
- Why not? What's wrong with me?

Nothing. Why, do you wanna have sex?

Yeah. No. No, it's too soon. It's too soon.

Well, is it too soon for this?

Oh, God, Walden, what have you done?

- What do you think?
- I think you're out of your bloody mind.

I can't accept this.

- Why not?
- Because it's too much. It's crazy.

What about getting a diamond necklace
for a girl you haven't slept with...

...while flying to Mexico for dinner
on your private jet is crazy?

Okay, when I say it out loud
it does sound a little crazy.

Good thing I didn't get you
the matching tiara.

Ahem. Okay.
Um, there might be one other thing.

Oh, God.
You didn't buy me a pony, did you?

- No. Why, do you want one?
- No, I don't.

The thing is I know people
on the board of the school... were trying
to get your daughter in.

So I pulled some strings
and got her enrolled.

Wait, you got Ava into Bellwood?

Yeah, but don't worry.
One call and she's out on her ass.

No, don't do that.
Walden, this is wonderful.

- You're not upset?
- Ha, ha. Ooh!

- No, no, no. What you did is brilliant.
- Mm.

- Utterly brilliant.
- Mm.

Mr. Schmidt,
we'll be descending into Guadalajara...

... in a few minutes.

Circle, circle.

Excuse me?

He's about to descend into London.

Hello, Heathrow.

What a lovely landing strip.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Wanna explain the hat?

It's not a hat, it's a sombrero.

Sombrero is Spanish for hat.

Really? That seems awfully complicated.
Why don't they just call it a hat?

No, not worth it.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Cameron Diaz, senor.

- Cameron Diaz?
- Choose your battles.


- So how'd it go last night?
- It was great.

I think I'm falling in love.

Now Walden is muy grande chiquita.

Hey, man.

I don't appreciate you making fun of me.


I'll get it.

Who knew he spoke Spanish?

Zoey, Zoey, Zoey.


I can't sign the divorce papers.
I love you, and I want you back.

Oh, bollocks.

Wait. Whoa, whoa. Wait.

I don't understand.
You're the one who wanted the divorce.

I thought that's what I wanted, but when
I saw the papers, I couldn't sign.

- Ay Chihuahua.
- Shh, stop it.

Sorry, it's the hat.

Is everything okay?
You don't look happy.

Yeah, no. Yeah, it's great. I just... Uh...

- What about the doctor you were dating?
- Alex?

I saw him. He's a dreamboat.

The truth is, he was just a rebound thing.

Yeah, but rebounds work out sometimes.
I mean, take Abe Lincoln.

He met his wife on a rebound,
and they had a long-term relationship.

Until, you know:

I didn't know Abe Lincoln killed himself.

How many rebounds have you had
since we broke up?

- Well...
- It's a trap, don't answer.

- None that meant anything.
- Yes.

- I haven't exactly been celibate.
- No, no, no.

- But I haven't been a slut either.
- Attaboy.

Come on, let's go upstairs.

- Really?
- Don't you want to?

Well, yeah, I want to. I just...
Shouldn't we be taking it slow?

We've been married
for 15 years, Walden. Come on.


- Hey.
- Hello.


It's very weird
that you live with these people.

So, what's he gonna do about Zoey?

Well, unless I miss my guess, um...

...he's going to lie to both of them
until it blows up in his face...

...and everyone gets their feelings hurt,
and he's left alone and miserable.

Wow, that sucks. Isn't there a better way
to date two women at the same time?

Aw, Jake.


I want you so badly.

Yeah. Yeah, I... want you too.

I can't believe
I let someone as great as you get away.

Wait, you said I was immature.

You are, but that's part of your charm.
I love you, Walden.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

That is awesome.


- Okay. Okay.
- Whoo. Ha, ha.

Can you just hold on for one second?

Where are you going?

- Uh, the bathroom.
- Why don't you just use that one?

I'm a little pee shy.
I don't want you to hear me.

Since when?

It's a new thing.
People change, Bridget, people grow.

Do you think you and Mom
would ever get back together?

Well, you know I will always care
for your mother.

She's a terrific lady and a great mom...

...and no one can predict the future.

But no freaking way.

She said the same thing
but used a different word than freaking.

- Hey.
- Hey.


Everything all right?

Uh, no. As Zoey would say...

...I'm in a bit of a sticky wicket.

You were in a sticky wicket,
and you finished...

...and came down here for a snack.

- No, no, I have a conundrum.
- Then you should've worn it.

Might have avoided the stickiness,
you know, wicket-wise.

Okay, I'm just gonna talk to you.


I've been dreaming about getting back
together with Bridget for months now.

But since I met Zoey, I'm not so sure.

- It is a pickle.
- What's a pickle?


- What does your heart tell you?
- My heart tells me...

...that Bridget is the past
and Zoey is the future.

Oh, I get it. You're trying to figure out
which one gets your pickle.

Essentially, yes.

- Well, then, I say follow your heart.
- I say follow your pickle.

Try to ignore him.

I've been with Bridget for 15 years.
That's tough to just walk away from.

- As you said, Bridget's the past.
- If I get back together with her...

...I don't have to give up $600 million
in the divorce.

The future's overrated. Go with Bridget.

It does make sense. All I'd have to do
is sell this and move in with her.

You can't live your life in the past.
Go with Zoey.

- You think?
- I do.

And I don't have a horse in this race.

No. You're right. Zoey it is.
Thank you, Alan.


You have no shame, do you?

Shame, no. Malibu beach house, yes.

Welcome back.

Oh, boy.

Bridget, I can't remember. Do you like
your Band-Aids taken off quick or slow?

- I don't understand.
- Let's just go with quick.

I've started seeing someone new
and I think she might be the real deal.

Not that you weren't the real deal.
You're just the ex-real deal.

And she's the next real deal. Ha, ha.

I'd like for you to sign
the divorce papers... we can both go meet people
we like better.

- What?
- Friends?

- I'm so humiliated.
- I'm sorry.

You waited till I was half naked to tell me
you were seeing someone else.

Kind of hard to bring up
while you were taking off my pants.

You look sensational.
The Pilates is really paying off.

Go to hell, you son of a bitch.

How about an "attaboy"
for not having sex with you...

...out of respect for the other woman?

Drop dead.

How many times
have we seen this movie?

Too many to count.

- Maybe it's the house.
- What do you mean?

I think it's haunted. Like, built
on an angry-woman burial ground.

Certainly can't be the fault
of the men who live in it.

Sometimes at night, if I'm really quiet,
I think I can hear them bitching.

That didn't go as well as I'd hoped.

I wouldn't worry about it. She doesn't
look like the type to carry a grudge.

But I don't know her like you do.


So the madam
of the brothel opens the door...

...and there's a man on the stoop
with no arms and no legs...

...and she says, "What do you think
you're going to do here?"

And he says, "I rang the bell, didn't I?"

- You're terrible.
- Oh.

- Did he break your heart?
- Ah!

- Who are you?
- It doesn't matter.

Do you want him back
or do you want him to suffer?

I don't know.

That's all right.
Oftentimes they're the same thing.

Come with me and I'll teach you.