Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 8, Episode 8 - Springtime on a Stick - full transcript

So I'm confused.

Is Edward the gay vampire
or the gay werewolf?

The vampire.

And he's not gay, he's androgynous.

So he can write with both hands.
Big deal.

No, I mean... Never mind.

I'll tell you what's a great movie.

Jackass Two.

I know what you're thinking,
sequels suck. But not that.

One part where this guy puts on
a diver's helmet with a hose.

And this fat guy farts into the tube
until he pukes.



The guy in the diver's helmet,
not the fat guy.

- Sounds puerile.
- Oh, yeah, it's totally puerile.

Unless puerile isn't good.

In which case, it's totally unpuerile.

Anti-puerile?

Maybe we shouldn't talk.

CHARLIE:
Hello.

- Crap.
- Is that your dad?

No. Worse. My drunken uncle.

I just pray he remembered
to pull up his zipper.

There's my main man...

Jake-a-roonie, Jake-a-reenie,
Jake the snake.

- Who are you?
- Megan.

Meg-a-roonie, Meg-a-reenie,
Megan the snagan.



- Zipper, Uncle Charlie.
- Good catch.

- I thought you had a date tonight.
- Not a date.

A date experience.

- What's the difference?
- About $1500.

So, Megan, what's your deal?

Trying to teach your parents a lesson?

- I'm in Jake's homeroom.
- Got it.

Yeah, I was pretty sure you didn't
meet him in Honors Math class.

Boy, I remember being your age,
going out with Beth Anderson.

She was head cheerleader.

I was crazy about her,
but she dumped me and left me...

with nothing but a broken heart.

And the clap.

The what?

Wow, you kids today have no idea
what that is, do you?

I know it sounds cute. The clap.

But it burns like hell.

I think I'd better get home.

Wait, don't go.
He'll be passed out in 10 minutes.

- I'll see you in homeroom.
- Come on, Megan.

Thanks a lot.

You're welcome.

- I'm really gonna get you back for this.
- Okey-dokey.

JAKE:
Megan, hold up.

Oh, Beth Anderson.

Every time it hurts when I pee,
I think of you.

Charlie.

- What?
- Sign this.

I'm not signing anything
till I see a lawyer.

- Wake up.
- What?

Birthday card for Mom. Sign it.

No, thanks.

Come back with a
do-not-resuscitate form and we'll talk.

Come on, Charlie.

- What'd we get her?
- You mean, what did I get her?

No. I mean, what did I pay for?

We went 50-50 on engraved stationery.

Fifty-fifty?

Okay, a hundred-zero...

but I will pay you back.
- Right.

I assume you don't want to give her her
present and wish her happy birthday.

And I assume
you're never gonna pay me back.

We are a well-oiled machine.

"Mom, you know how I feel.
Charlie."

Straight from the heart.

- This just blows.
- Come on.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Seeing you is gonna
make your grandmother very happy.

EVELYN [OVER RADIO]:
What do you two want?

Hi, Mom. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

We bought you a gift.

EVELYN: Doesn't give you license
to show up unannounced, but all right.

[DOOR BUZZES]

She just better keep me in the will.

EVELYN: I can hear you, Jake.
- Love you, Grandma.

Just so you know, I like this even less
than you do.

That's hard to believe.

I gotta tell you, Mom,
you are looking younger every year.

Uh-huh.

I hope you lie to your parents
better than that.

I do.

I don't.

- So, uh, do you like your present?
- It's stationery with a big E on it.

- It stands for "Evelyn."
- Very good, darling.

Uncle Charlie said the E was for "evil."

So any big birthday plans?

- Like what?
- I don't know. Hot date?

I did have a date.

- What happened?
- He cancelled.

You got dumped on your birthday?

That's so puerile.

Or is it?

What is wrong with him?

Nothing organic.
We've had him checked.

So is there birthday cake?

Oh, Jake, what is to become of you?

Thank God
my life is mostly behind me.

I'd hate to be your age...

preparing to make my way in a world
that's coming apart at the seams...

while having no discernible job skills
or charisma whatsoever.

So is that a yea or nay on the cake?

Bye, Mom. Happy birthday.

That was grim.

Yeah, who has a birthday party
without cake?

Your uncle really dodged a bullet.

Yeah, he did.

Hey, Dad, maybe
we shouldn't leave Grandma alone.

She seemed kind of depressed.

Oh, uh, don't worry.

She doesn't commit suicide,
she inspires it.

Maybe it'd be nice to have her to Uncle
Charlie's for a real birthday dinner.

You know, Jake, it's moments like this
that make me proud.

You've got a big heart.

We'll bring her back
to Uncle Charlie's.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How was your time in hell?

So good he brought a little back
with him.

Hey... Hey, Mom, happy birthday.

I would've come over, but...

Oh, come on,
do I really need a reason?

That's all right.
I don't expect much from you...

and you never disappoint me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to
drown my sorrows in alcohol.

If you're not committed to alcohol,
there's ocean out there.

What are you doing?

I thought it'd be nice
if we had a birthday dinner.

You thought it'd be nice
to invite Mom?

Actually, it was Jake's idea.

Of course.

Jake.

And where is the boy?

Sunday.
I dropped him off at his Mom's.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hey, Uncle Charlie. How's it going?

You rat bastard.

Payback's a bitch, ain't it?

Bye.

What did he mean,
"payback's a bitch"?

Damn it, Charlie, how am I supposed
to make a martini without green olives?

He misspoke.
He meant "the bitch is payback."

So this is it? We're just gonna sit here
watching television till dinnertime?

I'm hoping to do it till bedtime.

We can't talk?

- What would you like to talk about?
- Don't encourage her.

What comes immediately to mind
is the futility of love...

the disappointment of family
and the inevitability of death.

I'd be with you if "inevitable"
meant now.

I am sorry, but I cannot go along
with you two gloomy Guses.

I look at life
and I see the cup as half full.

But the cup belongs to your brother,
and what it's half full of is tears.

- Good one, Mom.
- You're no one to talk.

He at least aspires to normalcy.

Tries to have meaningful relationships
with women.

You go out with a girl and break up...

before her hoo-ha can develop
a five o'clock shadow.

Well, in his defense, Mom,
he's usually paying by the hour.

Very smart, Alan.
Bite the syphilitic hand that feeds you.

Well, if neither of you is going to
refill my drink, I'll do it myself.

Help yourself, Mom.

I keep the vodka in a bleach bottle.

- [WHISPERING] I gotta get out of here.
- You're gonna leave me alone with her?

Hey, I was alone with her for two years
before you were born. You owe me.

- Why don't we both make a break for it?
- Okay. Great.

On three.

One.

Two...

You're supposed to say "go"
after three.

Before we pick up the olives,
can we stop at a pharmacy?

Sure.

Isn't anybody gonna ask why?

Fine. Why?

Don't ask if you don't care.

It's a woman problem.

- Enough said.
- As you get older...

certain parts of your body
don't lubricate properly.

Please, God, tell me you have to
pick up some Visine.

I'm not talking about my eyes, Charlie.

[CHARLIE & ALAN GROAN]

Oh, sure, one can masturbate
to keep things flowing...

but it's not the same
as actual intercourse.

What's his problem?

Just give him a minute.

That was very rude leaving us
sitting there on the side of the road.

Would you rather I threw up
in the car?

- Hey, Charlie.
- Oh, hey, Russell.

My mother, Evelyn. My brother, Alan.

- Hi.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

Can I interest you folks
in a codeine popsicle?

It's my own invention.

I think we're good.

You suck on one of these,
you'll be great.

I call it "springtime on a stick."

Yeah, listen, my mom needs some...

Mom?

Birth control pills.

Do you have a prescription?

Kidding, we're all friends here.

Come on back
and I'll show you our selection.

Well, aren't you a doll?

And I'm anatomically correct.

Good to know.

Why'd she ask for birth control pills?

Gee, I don't know. Maybe she didn't
wanna lead with her dry hoo-ha.

- You thinking what I'm thinking?
- Yes. But this time be clear.

- Do we run on "go" or just "three"?
- No, no, there's no running.

Let's set her up with Russell.

- Gee. I'm not sure that's a good match.
- When did this become eHarmony?

- We just need to get her out of our hair.
- Right, right.

- Follow my lead.
- Thanks, Russell, these'll be just fine.

- What do I owe you?
- Oh, it's on the house.

Any mom of Charlie's
is a potential lifelong customer of mine.

Aren't you sweet?

Or it could just be
Mr. Popsicle talking.

Russell, uh, we're having
a birthday dinner for Mom tonight.

If you're not doing anything,
maybe you'd like to join us.

- What a wonderful idea.
- I'd love to.

What can I bring? Xanax, Ritalin?

- What are you serving?
- Chinese takeout.

Then perhaps something
from the opiate family?

- Bring whatever you want.
- Done and done.

And I will see you later, birthday girl.

I'll see you later,
anatomically correct boy.

- So around 7?
- With bells on.

- Thanks for the invite.
- You're welcome.

You poor clueless bastard.

I don't know why I didn't think of this
years ago. Russell's perfect for Mom.

They've both been divorced
multiple times...

they're both trying to hang on
to their youth...

plus they're both big fans
of class A narcotics.

Does Russell have kids?

None that he admits to.

[IN UNISON] Just like Mom.

Well, boys, what do you think?

Wow, you look terrific.

- It's not too much, is it?
- No, no, no.

The bright colors are good for Russell.
It keeps him from nodding off.

I want you both to know
how grateful I am...

for everything you've done
to make this a special birthday for me.

- You're welcome.
- Want to make you happy.

Thank you, but if you wanted
to make me happy...

you would've made
different life choices.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- That's him.
- Hang on.

All right, open the door.

Russell. Russell!

- Oh! Hi, Charlie. This is Jill.
- Hi, Jill.

- Come on in.
- Thanks.

What's with the date?

Well, you said bring whatever I want.
I want her.

- I'll be right back.
- Where are you going?

To put on panties.

So, what do you do for a living, Jill?

Well, I'm an actress,
but you know how it is.

Once you turn 30, parts dry up.

You think your parts are drying up now,
wait till you turn 50.

Ah, don't worry, sweetie.
By the time you're 50, I'll be dead.

So how long have you two
been dating?

We're not dating.
We have an arrangement.

Arrangement?

Let him climb on top of me a couple
of times a month, and he pays my rent.

Four glorious months and counting.

Russell, mind helping me
make margaritas?

Oh, it'd be my pleasure.

You know what's good on the rim
of a margarita?

- Salt?
- Pharmaceutical cocaine.

It's actually good around the rim
of anything.

I'm only gonna ask this once.

What did you think I meant when I invited
you to a dinner for my single mother?

I don't know.

When you came into the store, I was
higher than Mel Gibson on Passover.

I cannot believe you actually walked
in here with a smoking-hot 30-year-old.

What's hard to believe?

She's an out-of-work actress,
and I have money and drugs.

I guess this isn't exactly
the birthday party you were hoping for.

No, no, what every woman dreams of
is her sons fixing her up with a man...

who arrives with a young,
hot arrangement.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,
when he touches me, I wanna vomit.

It actually does, thank you.

It's funny you should say that.

Um, my first wife, Judith,
towards the end of our marriage...

used to make this face
like she was gagging.

Sort of a...

No one cares, Alan.

Now, Jill, listen to me.

You still have time to make changes
in your life.

You don't want to end up
old, used-up and alone like me.

I'm always here for you, Mom.

Like I said, make changes.

Okay, another margarita
for the birthday chiquita.

Oh, hit me.

Uh, Evelyn, I believe I owe you
an apology.

When Charlie invited me to dinner,
I had no idea that he was thinking...

that you and I were
a potential couple.

I mean, you're a handsome woman...

but my tastes run more
to baby veal.

I understand. She's veal and I'm jerky.

Good, so you get it.

Excuse me.

Wow, that could've been awkward.

One of us should probably
go talk to her.

I'll go talk to her.

I can't believe I'm hitting that.

I can't believe I'm not hitting you.

Wait, wait. You're opening
a drug rehab facility in Malibu?

No. Not rehab. Prehab.

- What the hell is that?
- Prehab?

All right. Think about it.

Rich celebrities will spend
$50,000 a month...

to go someplace nice
where they won't do drugs.

Imagine how much
they would spend...

to go to a snazzy place on the beach
to do them.

- What about the legal issues?
- What are you, a cop?

- No.
- Then shut up.

Hey, is it me, or have Mom and Jill
been gone for quite a while?

Time is a very subjective thing,
Charlie.

Especially when you're abusing
powerful antipsychotics.

One of us should probably go check
and see if everything's okay.

One of us should probably answer
that phone first.

Mom?

EVELYN: That tickles.
JILL: You started it.

- Happy birthday.
EVELYN: Oh, Jill.

JILL:
Oh, Evelyn.

[JILL & EVELYN GIGGLING]

On three?

You wait till three.

I can't believe Mom ran off
with this idiot's girlfriend.

I can't believe this idiot's still here.

It's not that I can't hear you.

It's that I'm busy talking
to Jim Morrison.

Incredible.

Excuse me a minute, Jim.

I don't wanna spook you fellas,
but I took a handful of Viagra...

in anticipation of
a different kind of evening.

[IN UNISON] Three.

What are you looking at?

[English - US - SDH]