Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 8, Episode 12 - Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead - full transcript

When Charlie and Courtney break up, Charlie falls into a depression and goes to see his psychiatrist.

I hope you don't mind,
I used your toothbrush.

No problem. Where did you use it?

Nowhere your mouth hasn't been.

- You are so beautiful.
- Thank you.

- Your hair, your eyes, it's just amazing.
- Charlie.

- And this body, it's just perfect.
- Thank you.

So why don't I wanna have sex
with you anymore?

- You don't?
- I'm sorry.

No, no, no, it's okay.
I don't wanna have sex with you either.

- Oh, thank God, I was feeling so guilty.
- Me too.

- When did you know it was over?
- Ah. About two weeks ago.

Remember? Alan took Jake to the
movies and we did it on the deck.

All I could think about was picking up
the bottle and caving in your skull.

- Were you angry with me?
- No, no, it was just a way to kill time.

You know,
fantasizing if I can get away with it.

Interesting. I fantasized about you having
a heart attack or getting hit by a bus.

That way, I wouldn't be a suspect
and people would feel sorry for me.

Smart. So when did you know?

- It was the limo, wasn't it?
- Yep.

Yeah, I can tell your attention
was wandering.

Every time I looked up,
you were somewhere else.

I was making believe
you were another woman.

Well, that doesn't necessarily mean
it's over.

I pretended you were the big blue chick
from Avatar.

It's over.

So, what do we do now?

Uh, part friends, I guess.

- I'd like that.
- It's getting kind of late.

- You're welcome to spend the night.
- Oh, that's very sweet.

But I wanna get
as far away from you as I can.

That's okay. I just got Avatar on DVD.

- So we're all good?
- Absolutely.

All right, I'll go get dressed.


You couldn't wait till I'm gone?

Didn't seem to be any point.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Online poker?

Live girl-on-girl porn.

Really? At 7 a. M?

It's not 7 a.m. In Copenhagen.

How can you tell?
There's no windows.

Me, I like to start my day
with a cup of coffee.

Instant energy and it helps me poop.

Mm-mm-mm. Somebody's having
the breakfast of champions.

They say it's the most important meal
of the day.

Please tell me Courtney isn't in your
bedroom while you're looking at this.

Courtney went home. We broke up.

Oh. And you're trying to fill the void
and mend a broken heart...

at DanishMunchers. Com.

Yeah. Something like that.

So, what happened?

Nothing happened.
It just ran its course.

Wow. That's hard to imagine.
She's so hot.

Let me tell you something, Alan, for
every gorgeous woman in the world...

there's a guy out there
who's tired of banging her.

But that guy's never me.

I gotta get out of the house.

Maybe go to the movies. Is Jake here?

Uh, no, he's having a party
over at his mom's house.

Oh, damn. Did I forget his birthday?

Oh, no, no, no.
It's just one of those teenage parties.

Uh, but for the record, his birthday was
six months ago, and you did forget it.

- Oh, man, how old was he?
- Sixteen.

Huh. No wonder he keeps asking
to borrow my car.

- I'll just go to the movies by myself.
- You want some company?

That's why I was asking about Jake.

Good morning, ladies.

No masturbating in the kitchen.

What do you say
we go someplace a little quieter?


Hey, what you working on?

It's a jingle
for a new kids' breakfast cereal.

- Oh, cool. Can I hear it?
- I guess.

Picture this over animated
dancing monkeys and zebras.

Got it.


Start your day with a big hurray

Chocolate Diddlers
Chocolate Diddlers

A bowl of fun for everyone

Chocolate Diddlers
Chocolate Diddlers



Well, I like the lyric.

Uh, you know, it's kind of...
It's upbeat, uh, celebratory.

You know, "hurray, fun, yum." Um...

- Uh, if I had a note, it would be the music.
- What about it?

Uh, well, it doesn't say,
yummy breakfast treat...

so much as it says,
my puppy's dead.


- Yeah, I've been a little down lately.
- I know, I know.

- But, uh, keep working on it.
- Okay.

- Well, I'm off.
- Where are you going?

To have drinks with Lyndsey
and her friends.

Have a good time.

You know,
you're welcome to tag along.

A couple of these women are divorced,
got a few miles on them...

but they've been liposucked to an inch
of their lives, so they present well.

- That's okay, I gotta work.
- You sure?

For somebody like you,
it'd be shooting fish in a barrel.

In this case, the fish would be
40-year-old, neurotic soccer moms...

and the barrel
would be a Bennigan's in Encino.

- Sounds tempting, but I'll pass.
- Okay, good night.


Oh, honestly,
think more bouncy, happy.

I love Chocolate Diddlers, yay

Got it.

Okay, bouncy, happy.


C is for chocolate, D's diabetes

Do your kids a favor
And buy a box of Wheaties

Chocolate Diddlers, yay

Okay, that's a good day's work.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Charlie.
- Veronica.

How's life treating you, Veronica?

Not too bad. How about you?

Well, that depends
on which answer you want.

There's more than one?

I could give the "Everything's
hunky-dory, I live at the beach...

drive a nice car and have
a python in my pants" answer.

- Or I could tell you the truth.
- You have an inchworm in your pants?

No, the python part's true.

Okay, so, what is wrong with Charlie?

All right, fine, I'll tell you.

Two bourbons, straight up.
You want anything?

I'm good.

I'll spare you the details of my selfish,
narcissistic, soul-sucking mother...

my deadbeat,
oddly effeminate brother...

and the future organ donor
we call my nephew.


And just to bring you up to speed
on my recent romantic adventures...

about this time last year, I was
engaged to the greatest gal I'd ever met.

- Uh-huh. So, what went wrong?
- Hard to pinpoint.

It could've been my drinking,
my compulsive gambling.

Or it could've been me
sleeping with her best friend.

I can see why it'd be hard to pinpoint.

I know, right?

So anyway,
she dumped me for a nice guy.

But I got right back on the horse
and married a drug-addled stripper.

And that didn't work out?

Not for the reasons you'd think.

She was already married. Whoops.

So I figured
maybe I'd take a break for a while...

from the dating
and just see hookers.


Yeah, I'm aware of the social stigma.

But I like to think of prostitution
as trickle-down economics.

Actually, it's all kind of trickle-down.

It's very Republican
when you think about it.

Uh-huh. You know what?
I will have another drink.

So I take the moral high ground and
try to break up with the 47-year-old...

so I won't be tempted
to hit on her hot 20-year-old daughter.


But surprise,
mom breaks up with me first...

because I still have feelings
for this crazy broad that stalks me.

Next thing I know,
my ex-girlfriend gets out of prison...

- Can I stop you a sec?
- Sure.

- Thank you.
- For what?

I came in here tonight because
I was angry at my pig of a boyfriend.

But after listening to you,
I realize I was unfair to him.

There's something below pig.

Okay, well, glad I could help.

How's life treating you?

In what universe
did I not hear everything you just said?

Nobody likes an eavesdropper.



Dude, your party
is a total sausage fest.

You said,
"Let's not invite the girls we know.

Let's meet new girls."

Exactly. So did you invite them?

- Who?
- The girls we don't know.

Dude, how can I invite them
if I don't know them?

Good point, dude.


Guess who brought beer.

Oh, God.

Wow. This is a total sausage fest.

Told you, dude.

Hey, gang,
there's hot quesadillas in the kitchen.

Charlie? What are you doing here?

I heard that Jake was having
a party and thought I'd stop by.

To hang out
with a bunch of teenagers?

Yeah, that occurred to me.

The cab driver
thought it was a good idea.

And it's a really long drive.

There's something
seriously wrong with you.

- Get help.
- First, I gotta get another cab.


It was nice of him to bring beer.

He's a crazy bastard,
but he's got good manners.



Knock, knock.

Not a good time.

CHARLIE: Alan, you're supposed to say,
"Who's there?"

That's okay, I'll say it. Who's there?

Go away, Charlie.

Go away Charlie, who?

I'm very sorry. What do you want?

I want to give you a heads up
that your ex-wife...

is gonna be calling you in the morning,
and it's not gonna be a pretty call.

- Hi, Lyndsey.
- Hi, Charlie.

You're a saint
for having sex with my brother.

Okay. Good night.

No, really.

It's like taking a bird with a busted wing
and putting him in a shoebox...

and feeding him
with an eyedropper.

You know he's never gonna fly,
but you give it your best shot.

Alan's the bird.

- What are you doing?
- Just resting.

- Your brother needs help.
- I know.

And for the record,
I believe I will fly again.

What do you want me to do, Judith?

He's a drunk with a lot of money.
You can't control people like that.

The best you can do
is stay on their good side...

so you can inherit their house
after they crap out their liver.

As a matter of fact,
I have given it a lot of thought.

Oh, fine, I will talk to him about it.

Okay. Okay, bye.

- Still think you're getting the house?
- What?

Not important.

- Yeah?

- Why did I wake up in your bed?
- You passed out there.

Did we break any biblical laws?

No. Uh, Lyndsey and I
went up to your room.

Ah, gross. Did you have sex in my bed?

Uh, no. Actually, the romance
of the evening pretty much evaporated...

after you curled up at our feet
like a drunken Labrador.

Well, that's good.

Let's play it safe
and take those sheets out of rotation.

- Okay.
- Uh, just to put it on the record.

I'm officially telling you on behalf of
my ex-wife, don't ever do that again.

Don't ever do what again?

It doesn't matter.
I fulfilled my obligation.

You know, Alan, I'm starting to think
I'm not living up to my full potential.


You think you can hump and drink
even more?

No. Well, maybe.

The thing is, I woke up this morning...

and there were these little voices
in my head telling me to get help.

Get help.

LYNDSEY: Your brother needs help.
ALAN: I will fly again.

Better I realize it before somebody
has to point it out, huh?

Mm-hm. No doubt. So, what are you
gonna do with this newfound insight?

Well, I think it might be time
to go back to my shrink.

- Mm. Talk about your issues?
- Renew my prescriptions.

Much more in character.


- Come on in, Charlie.
- Thanks.

Well, it's been a while.
How you doing?

- Good, good.
- Really?

You usually only come see me
when your hair is on fire...

and someone's chasing you
with gasoline.

That almost happened to me once.

Thank God
I was able to pee on the matches.

So, what's going on?

Well, I just recently broke up
with this terrific gal...

and I guess I've been
in kind of an emotional tailspin.

Been drinking heavier than usual?

Just the occasional glass of wine
with dinner.

Uh-huh. And how many dinners
have you had today?

Three. So far.

Okay, go on.

And it's not just this break-up.

For the last couple of years, I've been
trying to have a meaningful relationship.

As opposed
to picking up some pretty little thing...

for a quick bag, shag
and skedaddle.

Bag, shag and skedaddle.

That's charming.

Anyway, no matter how hard I try
to have something more lasting...

more meaningful,
the end result is always the same.

At some point, I gotta consider the
possibility that the problem might be me.

That's not a bad instinct.

If I'm doing something wrong, it would
be helpful if I had a clue what it was.

Well, if you had to guess,
what would you say you're doing wrong?

I don't know. I love too much?

Guess again.

- I'm afraid of intimacy?
- Do you believe that to be true?

Not really, I just hear it all the time.

Dr. Phil, movies, TV shows,

Let me ask you something.

What do you think being truly intimate
with a woman is?


Not using a condom?


- What?
- I'm sorry, I didn't expect that. Um...

But what I'm trying to point you to
is a kind of intimacy...

where you feel safe enough
to be completely honest with a woman.

To tell her how you really feel.

Oh, come on,
nobody cares how you really feel.

And what's a guy
like me feel anyway?

I'll tell you. Tired, hungry, horny,
hung over, happy, sad and pissed off.

And sad and pissed off
only come into play...

because I'm horny, hungry,
hung over and tired.

You know what?
Let's table the intimacy discussion...

and talk about your other relationships.

What other relationships?

We've spoken
at great length about your feelings...

towards your mother, brother
and your nephew.

Pissed off, pissed off, sad.

How about non-familial relationships?

- You mean like friends?
- Yes.

- Then why don't you just say friends?
- I got the diplomas, I like to use them.

Okay, well, the answer to your question is,
uh, I don't really have that many friends.

Well, how many friends
would you say you have?

You know, I'm starting
to feel a little pissed off now.

Do you have any friends, Charlie?

Come on, I'm a grown man.
I have acquaintances.

Do you spend time
with acquaintances?

For what? To talk about my feelings?

I'm not one to indulge in chitchat
unless I feel like it's gonna get me laid.

I'm just saying it might be nice
to have some relationships...

that aren't based solely
on you trying to get someone into bed.

You have no idea
what I'm talking about, do you?

Not a clue.

Okay, now I'm pissed off and sad.

Maybe you didn't have enough dinner.

Thank you.

Uh, are you sure you should be drinking
if you're on medication?

No, she wouldn't give me anything.
Said I'd abuse it.

Where does that come from?

One more.

So, uh, did you get anything
out of the session?

She kept saying I need to develop
relationships that aren't about sex.

You know, I can see the wisdom in that.

Sure you can. You didn't get laid
the last nine years of a 12-year marriage.

Not true. There were birthdays.

Let's pretend the shrink is right.
What am I supposed to do?

Just somehow go out and make
new guy friends? Who does that?

Couldn't hurt to try.

- Hey, there, how are you?
- Good, you?

I've already lost interest.

Well, I can't fault you for trying.

I mean,
I'm not against having a friend in theory.

But I'm a 43-year-old man
who's kind of set in his ways.

Where am I supposed
to meet this new buddy?

Did you consider
you could have a woman as a friend?

Alan, have you not been listening?
She said no sex.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,
I don't have many friends either.

- You don't have any friends.
- Well, neither do you.

But that's my choice.
You, you're just a social pariah.

And you're a malignancy
on the ass of mankind.

You wanna pick up a pizza...

on the way home?
- Pizza, really?

- Fine, what do you want?
- Um, I was thinking Chinese.

- We just had Chinese. How about ribs?
- I'm a little low on cash.

- What's a little low mean?
- Nothing.

All right, I'll buy,
but I get to pick the movie.

Oh, we don't have to watch a movie.
I TiVo-ed Glee.

I'm miserable and you wanna torture me
with hot chicks in cheerleading outfits.

Singing hot chicks.
It's Wang Chung week.

For God's sake, why don't you just put
on assless chaps and get it over with?

I'm not gay, I'm metrosexual.

That's just a gay man who can't get laid.


Everybody have fun tonight

Everybody Wang Chung tonight

The tall blond chick in the red tracksuit
is really starting to freak me out.

Everybody Wang Chung tonight

Everybody have fun

I love Mercedes. You go, girl.

[English - US - SDH]