Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 9 - Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair - full transcript

Charlie is crushed when he discovers he hasn't been satisfying Chelsea and Alan attempts to cure his thinning hair on the cheap.

Wow. That was great.

Good, I'm glad.

Wait, wait, wait.
You're glad?


I knew it.

There was no "gaa."


When the sex is
working for you,

you try to say "God,"
but it comes out "Ga."

And this time,
there was no "gaa."


No "gaa," no good.

And I'll tell you
another thing.

You usually grab my ass
like you're holding

a tree trunk in
a hurricane.

Just now, it was more
like you were palming

a couple of cantaloupes
at the supermarket.

Fireworks don't have
to go off every time

for me to enjoy it.

Oh, please, fireworks is the whole
point of the exercise.

Otherwise, all you've got I.

two naked people humping
on a Stair Master.

Sometimes it's nice
just being close.

Nice being close.


Now I know what it's
like to be my brother.

Would you stop it?

No, this is the
beginning of the end.

First our sex life
goes to hell,

then we start eating
dinner at 4:,

watching reruns of
Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman,

and at 9:00 we shake hands,
pee and go to sleep.

Then around midnight
I get up to pee again.

Quit making such
a big deal out of it.

Just because every once
in a while

I don't have an orgasm...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

This has happened before?

Just a few times.

Why didn't I know?
Were you faking it?

Does it matter?

You're damn right, it matters.

Why'd you stop?
Don't you love me any more?

Of course I love you.

If you really loved me,
you'd keep faking it.

Fine, from now on
I'll fake it.

Too late.
Now I'm on to you.

Honey, there's nothing
to get so upset about.

I've just been working really
hard, under a lot of stress.

Then on top of that,
I'm trying to plan our wedding

and dealing with my parents,
your mother.

But trust me,
as far as I'm concerned,

you're still the sexiest man
on Earth

and I'm the luckiest woman
who ever lived.

Lucky, lucky, lucky.


I thought
you were taking

your girlfriend out for dinner.

I am. But if I eat first,

I won't pick out in the
restaurant and make her sick.

Good idea.
That way you'll have

the whole rest of the night
to make her sick.


Plus I won't snap at her if she
reaches for one of my fries.

All right, Chelsea'll be home
in a few minutes.

How are we doing?

The wine's denting,
pasta's on the stove,

salad's in the fridge, Martin
Gaye's on the CD player.


And what about this?

Where's this gonna be tonight

It has a date.

Oh, eating first.

I taught you well.

Thank you.

Clean underwear?


Not good enough.

With underwear,
there's no gray area.

Don't worry, it's not gray.

Anything but white
is unacceptable.

In that case, I'd better change.

And take off the bib!

If he can score just once
before I die,

my life will have been

Well, then you might want
to start eating healthier.

What's the big
occasion tonight?

There's no big occasion.

Just trying to keep the
fire going with Chelsea.

You know
what's good for that?

Doing it in public.


Yeah, there's nothing
like the thrill

of thinking
you might get caught.

I gotta tell ya,

you almost walked in on me
a couple of times.

You're kidding.

Just a heads-up,
the next time you see

the Sparkletts' truck parked
outside, avoid the garage.

From nown,
I'm gonna avoid water.

Good news, Alan, you're going
to the movies tonight.


What are you doing?


What is that?

That's, uh,
that's hairspray.

Really? Hairspray.
Let me see it.

No. Leave me alone.

What's the big deal?

It's not a big deal.
Just go away.

All right, but I need you out
the house tonight

so I can be alone with Chelsea.

Don't worry, I have a date.

Another Internet hook up?

First month's free.

That must be how they keep out
the riff-raff.

Have fun.

Thank you, I will.

Hey! Hey!

"Captain Terry's
Spray-On Hair.

guaranteed to
cover bald spots."

It's not really a bald spot.

I'm just getting
a little thin on top.

So you're painting your head?

It's not paint.

It's a specially formulated
hairlike substance

designed for the active man
on the go.

Oh, you poor, gullible bastard.

It gives me confidence.

Okay, fine.

But what happens
to your confidence

when your date runs her fingers
through your...

specially formulated
hairlike substance?

It's "guaranteed not to smear
drip or ignite

under normal circumstances."

So you're gonna spend the rest
of your life spray-painting

your head like it's
a free way underpants?

This is just a stopgap
till the pills kick in.

What's this, like Propecia?

Better, stronger.

It's from Eastern Europe
where they don't have

to worry about all those pesky
FDA regulations.

There's a monkey on the label.

It is not a monkey,
it's the inventor.

How long have you been
taking these?

A couple of weeks.

has to build up
in your system,

and then stand back
and grab a comb.

Okay, well, far be it for me
to judge someone

for taking questionable

but be careful with this stuff.

Charlie, do you really think
I'm so vain

that I would jeopardize
my health

just to grow a little hair?

Do I have to remind you

about the Japanese penis
enlargement system you bought?

That is not what caused
the rupture.

I'm sorry, but this is a monkey.

So did you make your way
around the mountain?

Excuse me?

You know, were you driving
six white horses?

What are you
talking about?

Are you asking me
if I had an orgasm, Charlie?

Yeah, but I'm trying
to be cute about it.

No, I did not.

But it doesn't matter.

It was wonderful.

Were you at least close?

Yes, I was close.

Well, that's a start.

Now, when you were close,
what was I doing?

You were downstairs
getting a beer.

I'm kidding.

Can we please
just drop it?

Excuse me for trying to
bring you back to "gaa."

Sex is not just about orgasms.

Oh, really?

Then how are we supposed
to know when we're done?

Don't pout.

I'm not pouting.

Yes, you are. Your bottom lip
is sticking out.

It's swollen.

You could've stopped
at any time.

No, no, I am
not a quitter.

Sweetheart, do you know what
the best part of tonight was?

For you or me?

'Cause I think mine
was pretty obvious.

It was that you cared enough

to plan this amazing evening
for me.

The beautiful dinner, wine on the deck,

the two of us talking,
just being together.

It's nights like these that make
me realize how lucky I am

to have found the man I want to
spend the rest of my life with.

Lucky, lucky, lucky.

Oh! Oh! Oh!


Alan, I don't know
how to tell you this,

but your bangs are dripping down
your face.

A little lesson for you,

There are two things you never
want to buy on the cheap:

canned hair and condoms.

I'm assuming it never got

No, it did not.

Once my hair started dripping
on her chicken masala,

the evening was
pretty well shot.

I probably should've sprung for
Captain Terry's Hair Sealer.

Well, maybe you'll have better
luck with the monkey pills.

Oh, thanks for reminding me.

If the date was so bad,
why are you home so late?

I've been at the emergency room
having my eyes flushed.

Apparently, my hair contains
small particles of fibreglass.

What the hell's he doing?

Trying to sneak in
two hours after curfew.

Aren't you gonna punish him?

Maybe tomorrow.

It's hard to assume
any kind of moral authority

with Captain Terry's
specially formulated hair

all over my face.

True. You do kinda look like
a hot fudge sundae.

Oh, hey.

Didn't see you there.

That's the first time
anyone ever said that to me.

Taking a lunch break?

Sure, let's call it that.

Mind if I ask you a question?

It's Liz Taylor's
White Diamonds.


My fragrance.

You can get it at Cost co.


It's a great stocking
stuffer for Christmas.

I'll remember.

I'll act surprised.

Actually, I was gonna ask you
about when you were married.

Which time?

What was the long one?

Jerry. 14 years.

God rest his soul.

He's dead?
He better be.

Okay, well, when
Jerry walked among us,

was there a time when
he wasn't, you know,

doing it for you?

You mean even though
he was doing it to me?


Well, sure.
But that's natural.

Passion always fades over time.

Before you know it,
you find yourself daydreaming,

barely noticing the naked guy
with the bad mullet

and the flip-flops doing his
dirty business on top of you.


God, no--
I never let Jerry on top.

He was like a fur-covered
water heater.

So that's it?

That's all I have
to look forward to?

A wife that has to go
to a happy place

every time I have sex with her?

Is Chelsea complaining?


Can you read her mind?


Then don't worry about it.

How can I not worry?

Orgasms is one of the few things

I bring to the table
in this relationship.

Well, I can't are
with you there.

But maybe this is
the perfect opportunity

for you to become
a better boyfriend,

a more compassionate,
caring individual.

Or you could buy her
one of them vibrating eggs.

They're awesome.

I heard.

I got to go.

Man, I hope
I can hold on to this buzz

until the Sparkletts' guy
gets here.

Alan, you in here?


Getting ready for a date.

Another Suave Single?

No, my free trial

Now I'm on J-Date.

Alan, we're not Jewish.

Who cares?
You should see these girls--

very hotsy-totsy.

And the best part is,
till my hair pills kick in,

two birds with one stone.

So, how can I help you?

Well... believe it or not,

I wanted to ask your advice
about women.

Me? I'm flattered.

What do you want to know?


Sit, boy chick.

Okay, I'm having
a little problem,

you know, satisfying
Chelsea in the bedroom.


So I thought to myself,
who knows more

about not satisfying a woman
than my brother Alan?

That's a very unfair

but not entirely

Go on.

My question is...

how do you live
with yourself?

How do you wake up
in the morning

and not drag a straight
razor across your throat?

Well, that's not an
easy question to answer.

Uh, first of all, I don't
own a straight razor.

This is what happened
with you and Judith, right?

Actual, Judith was
always highly orgasmic.


Not with me, of course.

But as long as I didn't let
the battery drawer get empty,

she was one happy shiksa.

So, how did you
deal with that?

Didn't it make you feel
like less of a man?

Okay, I understand.

Your problem is,
your male ego

is tied to your partner's
sexual pleasure.

Your self-esteem is
almost entirely based

on whether or not she
achieves some vel

of physical satisfaction.

You got to get past that.

What, you're saying
I shouldn't care?

Charlie... our people have
spent thousands of years

carrying the
burden of guilt.

I say enough!

It's time to break
the shackles.

Okay, okay, first of all,
I'm pretty sure

that our people
are Scotch-Irish.

Perhaps. But the
Talmud teaches us

that the true worth of a
man is in his good works

and devotion to God.

The Talmud?
Yeah, I Googled it.

Figured I might need a
little Jewish dinner chat.

Lucky I did some research--

I was planning on taking
this girl to Red Lobster.

Meshuggah, right?

Oh! Uh, I got to go.

Oh, uh, listen, Jake's grounded for coming
in late last night,

so be a mensch and keep an eye
on the little pisher, would you?


This is fun, huh?

I guess.




Let's go again.

You do realize that
at a certain point

we're going to have
to go to bed.

I know. know.
It's not like

I'm avoiding it
or anything.

Really? Because this
is the first time

since I've known you you've
suggested we play a game

that doesn't involve
money or nudity.

We could play for
money if you want.

What do you say,
penny a point?

We'll go to bed when someone's up
a hundred bucks.

Come on,
are we gonna talk

about the elephant
in the room or not?

What's there
to talk about?

I can't ring your
bell any more,

so we'll grow
old, I'll die,

and you'll find happiness
with a vibrating egg.

Did you ever stop to consider that maybe
this isn't about you?

No, not really.

Well, it isn't.

Then what's it about?

It's personal.

What's more personal
than bumping pee-pees?

All right, fine.

My ex-husband's
getting remarried.

I'm sorry, are we still
having the same conversation?

I know it sounds stupid,
but ever since I found out,

I somehow felt shut down.


I don't know,
I guess because

he's moving on
with his life.

Yeah, but you're
getting married, too.

Yeah, but I'm getting married
because I'm over him.

He's getting married
because he's over me.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Are you still
in love with him?

Of course not, you idiot--
I'm in love with you.


I'm sorry.

Okay, let me just make
I'm sure I'm following this

Knowing that this guy
is getting married

has somehow gotten in the
way of you having an orgasm.


I think so.

Boy, women.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, nothing, nothing.

It's just I once had an orgasm
with a lawn dart in my foot.

Do you think I'm crazy?

No, no. No.

Having sex right over the hedge

from where the kids were
throwing lawn darts, that was crazy.

And believe it or not, I understand.

You do?
Well, sure.

No one wants their former
lovers to be happy.

They don't?
Well, hell, no.

Most of my former lovers want me dead.

A couple have tried.

In fact, now that I know you
have a vengeful, petty side,

I love you even more.

Thanks... I guess.

Don't worry about the sex.

It'll work itself out,

just like the lawn dart.

I love you, Charlie.

Well, you should.

I'm being really sensitive and
understanding and all that crap.

Now, how about
another game?

All right.

I got to tell you.

I'm kind of relieved to find
out I'm not the problem.

Neither of us
is the problem.

It's just that
I have feelings.

Okay, for me, that
would be a problem.

You do realize that Jake
just snuck out of the house.

Well, he's grounded.

How else is he gonna leave?

Hey, how about the winner
of the next hand gets

to be sexually satisfied without
any guilt or reciprocity?

You have a good hand, don't you?

No, not at all.

All right, it's a bet.



Okay, I got to ask.

Was that a real "gaa,"
or a mercy "gaa"?

Oh, that was the real thing.

So, it was good?

Lawn dart good.

You know what I think?

I think the fact that you shared
your feelings with me,

and I really listened,
made the sex more intimate

and helped you overcome whatever
was inhibiting you from...

Well, that's just rude.



Hey, looks like your hair is
really filling in back there.

Yeah, I think the pills
are starting to work.