Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 5 - For the Sake of the Child - full transcript

Not yet. Not yet.

Ok,wait for the traffic until cleared

And then turn into the left lane.

Not yet. Not yet.

Okay. Go

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

All right, good.

Good, well done.

Thank yo

What are you doing?



Driving.

Both hands-- ten and two.

Twelve.

No, no, like a clock.

10:00 and 2:00.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Put your left hand on the wheel.

Fine.

You got to like that he can add ten and two.

Yeah.

And he did it in his head.

(music plays on radio)

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Concentrate on the road.(turns off ra



What? You listen to the radio while you drive.

I'm an experienced driver.

You dre like an old woman.

An experienced old woman.

My point is, never take your eyes off the road

Hey, don't distract the kid.

He can barely crap and read at the same time.

I can, too! Don't look at me!

ok at the road! Don't yell at him! Jake, look out!

Look out! (horn blaring)

Will you guys just let me drive?

Fine, fine.

Drive.

(breathing deeply)

So, Charlie, when's your, uh...

when's your fianc? back in town?

Uh... next week.

Huh. So, uh...

so herad's out of the hospital?

Huh.

Sohe had a bad hip?

No, Alan, he has a bad tooth,

but he went to the wrong doctor.

You don't have to be snide.

You don't have to ask dumb-ass questions.

He didn't ask me anything.

Yellow lht, yellow light, yellow light. Speed up.

Speed up, speed up, speed up!Slow down, slow down, slow down!

Okay, I've just abou had it with you two.

Now, if you don't quit it, I'm gog to turn this car around

and nobody's going to the movies.

Man, I've always wanted to say that.

I have to go to the bathroom.

You should have peed when he made that left turn, like I did.

Oh, there's, uh... there's three over there.

Too far away.

Why don't you ever wear your glasses? Because I don't need them.

Oh, really? So, why did your eye doctor prescribe them?

It's racket.

I think they print those charts blurry,

and then teld you it's your eyes.

Look, can we just sit down?

No, no, slide... slide over one.

Slide over one. I ne the aisle.

Why do you always need the aisle?

Because he's got a prostate the size of an apple,

and he has to pee evy five minutes.

There's nothing wrong with my ostate.

I've got a teeny bladder. It's genetic.

Another reason I think you were adopted.

Ha, ha.

Wasn't fun when I was six, not funny now.

For God's sake, can't you at least wait

until the lights go down?

I'm hungry.

Deled egg?

No.

Closthe lid.

It smells like a box of ass.

I don't know why they call them deviled eggs.

I think they're just heavey.

Why can't you just sneakn candy like a normal cheapskate?

Way ahead of you.

Still t these left over from last Halloween.

Shh.

What the hell are you doing?

How am I supposed to have a rum and Coke

without the rum?

You're not supposed to bring liquor

into a movie theater.

CHARLI Where are you going?

I'm going to sit over here.

But... but this is family time.

I like this family better.

Oh, damn it!

I have to pee.

Oh, great.

Focus!

Focus!

Focus!

Another great movie choice, Alan.

Excuse me, but it was recommended

by four out of five crics

who were not plowed when they saw it.

Can we please just get some ice cream?

You sure we need to buy some?

Your dad probably s gelato in his pants.

Uh-oh.

What? Nothing.

You know those girls? Kinda.

You want to go over and say hello?

Alan, don't be an idiot.

No teenar wants to be seen out with his father.

Especially when his father stinks of deviled ass eggs.

Yeah, but teenagers love to be sn

with degenerate rum-soaked uncles

who always dress like they're on line at Epcot Center.

Well, pardon me for having a personal style.

Will you guys please, please shuup?

Hi, Jake.

Hey.

Oh. She's cute.

Yoguys go to school together?

Of course they go to school together.

Where else is he going to meet a girl like that?

ALAN: He has outside interests. He could've met her anywhere.

He only has two outside interests,

and I don't thk he met her

at a taco truck or a public toilet.

You know what, I'm not hungry. Let's just go.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

We're not going anywhere.

I want ice cream.

Why, you going to pour rum on it? No.

Cr?e de cacao.

All that drinking. You know, feel sorry for you.

Don't feel sorry for m You're the reason I drink!

ALAN: Oh, plea! If it weren't for me,

you uld've choked on your own vomit years ago.

Hey, don't flatter yourself.

I was vomiti

in my sleep long before you came into my life,

and I'll be vomiting long after you're gone.

MAN: Next, please. Oh, y.

ALAN: Um...

uh, I would like to sample

the, uh... the Passion Fruit,

and the Banana Brickle,

and-- ooh-- uh, maybthe, uh, Nutty Butter Buddy.

Oh, geez-- why don't you just get a double scoop of gayberry

and be done with it?

What... What do you want, Jake?

A quick, painless death.

Hey, what happened to those cute rls?

They left.

Oh, too bad.

I think the one liked you.

They were looking over here a lot.

I know.

Next time, take a little initiative.

Yeah. We're not alys going to be here to support you.

So, you peek over your right shoulder

and slide it into the spot.

Parallel parking.

Easy peasy.

Are home?

We're dropping off Jake.

Oh.

I kind of got a sugar crash off that ice cream.

Oh, yeah, it had nothing to do

with the four ounces of liqueur you poured oveit.

Better liqueur than Halloween leftovers.

They charge 50 cents for each topping,

and I had perfectly good candy corn.

Okay, bye.

See you next weekend.

Yeah, maybe. What's that mean?

I'll call you.

Okeydoke.

Boy, you really pissed him off.

I pissed him off? What about you?

Hey, he likes me.

Oh, please. Nobody likes you.

We only tolerate you because you have a lot of money.

Alright, get out.

What are you talking about?

This is my car. Fine.

How much do you wt for it?

Don't be ridiculous.

We talking blue book? 'Cause I just put a new tire on it.

You are a lush!

You are a leec

You are a misogynist!

You are a mistake!

You are a...

What are we up to? "N."

Thank you.

Uh, you are a...

necrophiliac.

She was drunk, not dead.

I challenge.

Ok, fine. You're a narcissist.

Better.

You are a Nancy boy.

You are old.

You are odd...

...ly shaped.

(phone ringing) Hang on.

You are a parasite.

Not your turn.

Hello.

Ohhey, Judith. What's up?

What do you mean, what happened with Jake?

We had a nice weekend.

Well, we went iving, to the movies, um, ice cream.

Quack, rectal, suck-wad!

I never got my "P."

All you do is pee.

What? What? Uh, n-nothing.

Little... little word game. You know,

ercise the brain. Twit!

Turd burglar!

Judith, I-I-I don't know what Jake's problem is.

We had a terrific weekend.

Huh.

Jake says he doesn't want to come here anymore.

Really? Why?

I don't know.

Did he say why?

Charlie and I don't bicker.

I mean, no me than any other couple.

Of guys.

Right?

Right.

Oh, oh, !

You are a eunuch.

(sighs)

That's "E," not "U."

Learn to spell. Useless!

Look, I dot know what to tell you.

's a teenager-- he'll get over it.

Okay. Okay.

Bye-bye.

Well, I hope you're happy.

I haven't been happy in seven years.

For your information, I will not

have been here seven years until next fall.

Oh, good to know.

Circle the date on the calendar

so I'll know when to hang myself.

Ha, ha. Funny.

It-it's because of you Jake doesn't want

to come here anymore. Great.

Tell me what I did so I can do it to you.

(sighs)

God, you are such a...

What are we up to? "V."

Varmint!

You are a varmint.

Yeah, we...

you e a vagina.

You're calling me a gina?

No, no, no, no, no.

No, that's too good for you.

What you are is...

vagina adjact.

You know, for some women

this could be considered a hostile work environment.

Hey.

Isn't it past your bedtime?

I don'like to go to sleep angry.

Try drinking more.

What will that solve?

Sobriety.

We need to talk.

Oh, good.

I was so worried weren't going to talk.

I've been thinking.

Maybe Jake not wanting to hang out here

does have something to do with us.

I mean, we have been fighting a lot lately.

So?

So, don't you want him to feel comfortable re?

He farts at the dinn table.

How much more comfortable do we want him?

Charlie, if we don't figure way out to get along

there's a chance we might not see him anymore.

And the downside is...?

Come on, tough guy, you know you love him.

Why don't you just admit it?

Okay, I love him.

Now go tyour room and masturbate.

Already did, still can't sleep.

My point is, we have to work out our differences

for the sake of the child.

Are you out of your mind?

I mean, if it weren't for Jake,

we could just shake hands and walk away.

After what you've been doing,there'll b

keep Purell in my nightstand.

I'm not an animal.

Where is this going, Alan?

Well, I am glad you asked.

A Blueprint for Love?

It's a workbooJudith and I got in couples counseling.

But the principles can be applied

to any two human beings in a relationship.

I see.

So you did this right before e kicked your ass out

and took everything you own?

The principles are sound.

Judith is an unreasonable bitch.

Now, oka uh, the, um, the first exercise--

"Building a Foundation of Trust."

So, we eh say three things we admire about the other.

Uh, I will go first. Um...

I admire your sense of humor,

uh, your generosity

and your devil-may-care attude.

ank you.

Now, your turn-- three things yoadmire about me.

Three? Really?

All right, uh...

I like that you think I'm funny.

(laughs)

Good one.

Still counts, right?

Sure.

Two to go.

What did Judith put?

Okay.

Uh...

And...

yodisinfect your hands after you masturbate.

Thank you.

Now, that wasn't so difficult, was it?

Okay, next.

There's more?

Have we healed our relationship, Charlie?

I'm good.

and three things you would change about yourself."

This time u start.

Why would I want to change anything about myself?

You're kidding, right?

You think you're perfect?

In my way.

Oh, so you he no flaws?

Let us consider the hummingbird, Alan.

Or the butterfly.

All of God's creatureare perfect

just the way he made them.

Except you. You suck.

Okay. Okay, fine.

Name three things you would change about me.

Your personality,

Your voice,

your face, and again, your address.

All right... (anxious laugh) All right.

Your haircut, ur fruity little workbook

and your address.

Just... Just nded three.

Oh, come on, we're healing.

Your cheness,

your smug arrogance and your addre.

I'm leaving.

Hey, this thing really works!

* Men. *

The way you chew your food,

the hair in your ears and your address.

That stopped being funny a week ago.

Judges?

Still funny.

So where's the kid this wkend?

He's not coming, thanks to my broth.

Thank you, Charlie.

Sure, lay it l on me.

Nothing's ever your fault.

Hey, at least I was willing to work on our probls.

What, that stupi Blueprint for Love?

That was just an excuse to try to chan me.

You knew who I was when y moved in here.

That doe't mean you can't grow.

Why can't you gr?

Because you hold me back!

Stop it!

Can't you see yore tearing this family apart?!

Hah! What a couple of 'mos.

Look, can we at least establish some ground rules

about how we treat each other in front of Jake

Like what?

Like we agree that if there's something's bothering us

we wait and discuss it prively. Fine.

And no name-calling. Done.

d the sarcasm.

While you and I know

that our good-nared ribbing is all in fun,

Jake might perceive as hostile.

I hate you.

Exactly.

If Jake heard you say that, he'd think you reallmeant it.

I do mean it. I hate you.

nny. One of those things

I admire about you.

Now, come on, we'll get dressed and go talk to Jake.

You know, I just thought

ofnother thing I'd change about you.

Oh, yeah? at's that?

Your inability to accept my hatred.

And your address!

* Men. *

Hey.

He stillays he doesn't want to spend the weekend with you two.

You heard her, Al. Let's go.

Oh, stop it.

I'm serious. We don't need him.

I can pick my nose and wipe it on your car seat.

We'll talk to him.

Where is he? In his room.

How did you convince Alan you hated him?

What? He won't believe me.

ALAN: Charlie!

It's not like I can withhold sex, ke you did.

Ifou think of anything, text me.

Wow.

You are getting pretty good.

I'm just tuning it.

Well, tune on, broheim.

What are you doing here?

Okay, first of all,

your uncle and I would like to apologize

for our behavior last week.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I've got nothing to apologize for.

Oh, really? So you've been just perfect

through this whole thing?

What can I tell you? I'm a hummingbird.

Shut up, Charlie.

I hate you, and you were adopted.

Your uncle and I understa

that we might have made you uncomfortable,

and we want you to know

that we're going to make a real effort to change.

When are you planning to sta?

Right now.

Right, Charlie? Yeah, sure.

So, you guys will stop fighting so much? ALAN: Yes.

Uh-huh. And you won't embarrass me in public anymore?

When did we embarrass you in public?

Oh, come on, you embarrass him constantly.

Uh, you don't? Hey, I'm the colorful uncle.

One day, he'll be telling his kids all kinds

of funny storiesbout me.

He'll be telling stories about me, too.

Yeah, to his court-appointed psychiatrist.

You know, u have got a cruel streak that is just ugly.

You want to know what's just ugly?

The schmuck who livesin my guest room.

At least I am not an aging pretty boy

desperately clinging oto the last dregs of his youth.

What are you saying, I'm losing my looks?

Oh, now you're worried.

Let me tell you something, pal.

Looks is all you've ever had.

No heart, no soul, no depth of character whatsoever.

Come on,e honest.

Which would you rather have?

My looks or those other three things?

You know what? Bite me!

I can't believe you actuly bit me.

Wait, wait!

I thought you were going to talk to him.

We did. He's still kind of upset with us.

You know teenage.

You just can't reason with them.

Oh, really? Wait right here.

I don't give a damn!

Weekends are the only peace I get around her

They're both losers!

Deal with it!

Now get your ass up and go with your father!

I'm driving.

I call shotgun.

Shotgun? What are you, a child?

Me a child?You just

(engine revving)

Hey, and don't rev it! You're wasting gas!

(engine revving)

Hey! Hey!

Hey, come back he!

Was he waving,

or did he justgive us the finger?

Both hands on the wheel!

10:00 and 2:00!

Okay. Okay.

That completes the "How to Disagree in a Loving Way" section.

I think we did very well.

I disagree...

but in a ling way.

Okayokay, next.

Um... things we have in common.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh

Charlie.

Same last me. Same last name.

Oh! Very nice, very nice.

Drink?

Uh, yes, I am.

(grunts)

Okay, things we have in common, things we have in common.

Uh... Mom!

We both have the se mother.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're adopted.

Oh, right, right, right.

Okay, let's see, let's see.

Uh, what do we have in common?

Uh... Oh, oh, oh! Uh, here's one.

Um, we both feel unwort of love

and battle homosexual panic.

Maybe that's just me.

Maybe.

Mmm.

Okay, okay, here's one, here one.

Uh, we both ve Jake.

Oh, Jake.

Mmm.

Yeah, I love him.

ere is the little fartmeister?

I think he's sleeping.

Oh, he needs to know we love him.

You're right.You're right.

We d't tell him enough.

Come on, let's go wake him up and tell him we love him.

Mmm, good idea, good idea.

Jake!

Guess who loves you!