Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 4 - Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator - full transcript

Alan takes a job with his mom so that he can move out and have alone time with Melissa, and Chelsea is upset about the way that Jake is treating her.

Call now. Operators are standing by.

Oh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

What are you doing?

I'm calling them.

Don't you wanna be able to scramble
an egg while it's still in the shell?

Okay, new rule:

You can't drink
while we watch cable television.

You won't say that when you get
a blanket with sleeves for Christmas.

Hi, Jake.


Can I offer you some fruit and cheese?

You can, but I won't eat it.

Oh, okay.

So, what's new? How's your girlfriend?

That's kind of personal, isn't it?

Sorry, I'm just curious.

Why, you writing a book?

Yeah, it's called
The Day Jake's Uncle Kicked His Ass.


Oh, no, don't go.
We so enjoy your company.

Did I do something wrong?

Yeah, you anthropomorphized him.


It means treating something
that's not human as if it is.

You know, like you do with your cat.

Which, frankly, makes more sense.

- I'm starting to think Jake resents me.
- See? You're still doing it.

Look, you can't take it personal,
he's a teenager.

You know, that awkward stage between
junior high and methadone clinic.

I just wanna get to know him better.

I already know him.
Trust me, you're not missing anything.

Come on. There's gotta be something
underneath that sullen exterior.

Yeah, a D student with a perpetual boner.

Oh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ginsu knives.

Slow ride


- Kind of like high school, huh?
- I never did this in high school.

Really? Sex in a car?

You're kind of built for it.


- Hmm?

What the heck is this?

Oh. Oh, Jake's retainer.
He lost this years ago.

This cost me like $500.


- No, this is not working for me.
- You want another wine cooler?

- I wanna be in a real bed.
- What do you want me to do?

You won't stay at Charlie's.

How can I go back there
after his fianc?e called me a tramp?

She didn't mean it. That was just when
she found out you'd slept with Charlie.

- It doesn't bother you, does it?
- Well, yeah, yeah, a bit.

You know, but, you know,
beggars can't be choosers.

And I love you.

No, not here.

Then where?
I'd be happy to go back to your place...

...if you could get past that little incident
with your mother.

Little incident?
I caught you in bed with her.

Boy, you are just gonna keep
harping on that, aren't you?

Why don't we just go to a hotel?

Well, we could,
but wouldn't that feel kind of cheap?

I'll tell you what feels kind of cheap,

- What are you doing?
- Getting out of here.

- What, you're gonna walk home?
- It's not far, Alan.

You didn't wanna waste the gas,

- Pardon me for being green.
- Ugh. Goodbye.

Oh, come on, Melissa.
Let's not ruin a beautiful evening.

I already broke the seal
on the condom.

All right, all right, all right.

You win. You win.

I'll take you to a cheap motel.


Oh, great.

Stand and put your hands behind your head.

I can explain.

Hands behind your head!

This is not what it looks like.

I was just chasing this girl
who jumped out of my car...




- You got a minute?
- I'm practicing.

Yeah, well, take a pause for the cause.


- Take five.
- Five what?

Just shut up and listen to me.

- You have a problem with Chelsea?
- No.

- So, what's with the attitude?
- What attitude?

I just don't consider fruit and cheese
an acceptable snack.

I don't care. You were rude.

- Kettle corn, that's a snack.
- That's not the point.

Nachos, that's a proper use of cheese.

All right. All right, listen to me.

You're hurting Chelsea's feelings.
I need you to make an effort to be nicer.

Hey, it's not my problem
if your girlfriend's oversensitive.

Yeah, it kind of is.

If you guys can't get along,
then one of you has gotta go.

- Guess who that's gonna be.
- Why, just because you sleep with her?

Good for you.
Why do people think you're stupid?

Because of my grades.
Actually, I'm an underachiever.

- Just be nice to Chelsea, all right?
- Fine.


Well, that was uncalled for.

Just FYI, your son's a moron.

- No, he's an underachiever.
- Where have you been?

- Had a date with Melissa.
- How did it go?

She broke up with me, and I may
have to register as a sex offender.

Well, as long as you had fun.

Do you have any idea how difficult
it is to maintain a relationship...

...when you don't have a place?

If I didn't have a place of my own,
I'd be worried about...

...more important things
than a relationship.

Like, you know,
getting a place of my own.

So you're saying
I'm not entitled to a relationship?


I'm saying if you can't afford dog food,
you don't get a dog.

Oh, great.
So I'm just supposed to be alone?

No, you're supposed to get
your own freaking place.

Just because you keep saying it
doesn't mean it's gonna happen.

How's the French toast, Jake?

It's bread dipped in eggs,
you can't really screw it up.

It's fine.

It's the best damn French toast
I've ever had in my whole frigging life.

Now stop kicking me.

- Okay, guys, I'll see you later.
- You're working on a Sunday?

Well, kind of. Since my brother and I...

...are both extremely anxious for me
to get my own place...

Me, because I'd like
a sense of autonomy...

...and him, because he's a spiteful turd.

- I have found a way
to earn some extra money.

Great. Put me down
for three boxes of Thin Mints...

...and some Peanut Butter Sandies.

Oh. Girl Scout Cookies?
I like those Samoas.

- I'm not selling cookies, Jake.
- Oh.

Then what are you selling?
Better not be your liver. I got dibs.

Hello? Where is my new assistant?

Oh, you didn't.

Morning, all. Here, darling, put this on.

Oh, snazzy. Do I get to keep it?

No. But if this works out,
I'll sell it to you at cost.

- You're working for Mom?
- What else am I supposed to do?

I don't know, some job
that lets you keep your self-respect.

Like, you know, man whore... dewormer...

...outhouse inspector.
- Morning, Charlie.

Hey, Mom, how are you?
Laxative tester, horse inseminator.

I'm gonna work with Mom and she's
gonna give me a piece of the action.

No, I said having an assistant
would give me a little peace... I could get some action.


Well, whatever, it's a start.

- Let's go.
- No, dear, I say "let's go."

- Oh. Oh, okay.
- Let's go.

Oh, stop. Take my bag.

Now let's go.

This is gonna be fun.

Okay, I'm done.

He didn't say thank you.

He's leaving the room,
we should thank him.

Jake, come back in here
and say thank you to Chelsea.

Jake, I'm warning you.


Thank you, Chelsea.

Now, was that so hard?

Oh. Welcome. Welcome.
Please sign in, take a flier.

- There's juice and cookies in the kitchen.
MAN: Thank you.

I know, you think you'd never use
a bidet, but trust me...

...once you do,
you'll never go back to just wiping.

Anyway, if you're not ready to buy,
the owners are willing to lease.

Thank you.

You're very welcome. Thanks for coming.

Oh, the rat bastards
live right across the street.

They probably just came
for the free cookies.

Uh, Mom, I have to go to the bathroom.

Number one or number two?

What difference does it make?

Alan, I'm trying to sell a house here.

Warm cookie smell, good.
Hot poop smell, bad.

- I'll wait.
- You're damn right you'll wait.

So the people who own this
live mostly in New York?

Have homes all over the place. Probably
don't remember they have this one.

Hardly seems fair.

You want fair, go live on a kibbutz.


How does that work exactly?
Do you have to be Jewish?

Oh. Uh, welcome, welcome.
Please sign in.

There's juice and cookies in the kitchen.


Loose floorboard.


We need to talk
about your kid and my fianc?e.

I already talked to him and he promised
to stay out of her underwear drawer.


Not that he ever went into it.
Just a precaution.

I don't think you realize...

I would love to have this conversation,
but I gotta work.

- It's 9:00.
- Tell that to our mother.

People wanna see a house at night,
guess who has to show the house.

Well, fine, at least
take the rhesus monkey with you.

Heh, oh, yeah. Nothing sells
a multimillion-dollar home...

...more than a 15-year-old boy
with greasy hair and BO.

Okay, let him stand on the lawn
in a jockey costume, holding a lantern.

You're the one who said I needed to get
my own place. This is what I gotta do.

You don't fool me.

You're never leaving. Never.

That's it.

I'm done trying with that kid.


When did my life turn into
Leave It to Beaver?

It was more fun
when it was Leave It to Beaver.

Okay, numbnuts,
what did you say to Chelsea?

- Nothing.
- Then why is she so upset?

I don't know. Maybe it's her period.

She says it wasn't,
but I don't believe her.


Welcome to our love nest,
my tiny sparrow.

This is unbelievable.

How can you afford it?

Well, I didn't buy it, of course.
I'm renting.

I don't get it. Just the other day
we were gonna do it in your car...

...because you didn't wanna shell out
$59 for a hotel room.

It was 69, but this is different.

I get a tax break on it.
You know, the home office.

So you've moved out of
your brother's house?

Uh, well, not quite yet.
This is just a pied-?-terre.

Besides, I might flip it
and move up to something a little bigger.

But you said you're renting.

Yes, yes.
I'm renting with, uh, an option to flip.

But let's not talk money...

...let's talk love.

Shall we go try out the bed?

The bed? With the sheets?

Uh... Beds are so bourgeois,
don't you think?

Oh, Alan. The couch?

Uh, actually, I was thinking right here... front of the fireplace...

...on this beach towel.

Come on, I was trying to be nice.

By asking her if she was on her period?

JAKE: I was taking an interest.
- You're an idiot.

JAKE: Why are you making it personal?
I'm not making it personal.

Okay, here's the deal. You two are gonna
stay in here and work this thing out...

...until you're either getting along
or one of you is dead.

FYI, she can kick your ass.

Have fun.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So I guess you owe me an apology.

- Wow.
- Ha, ha.

I've never seen you so forceful and virile.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

You were wonderful too.

You're still on the towel, right?

You know what I think?

Finally making love in a place of our own
has given you more confidence.

Well, truth be told,
I do feel kind of cocky, ha, ha.

No pun intended. Ha, ha.

- Oh, it is so intended.
- You got me.


Yes, I do. Mm.

I wanna make love to you
in every room in this house.

I don't see any reason why not,
as long as we bring the towel.

Of course, we're gonna have to wait
about a half-hour...

...give my erectile medication a chance
to overcome my antidepressants.

You're a complicated man, Alan Harper.

And I've got the medicine chest
to prove it.


- Whoopsie.
- Oh, damn it.

Uh, sorry.

Aah. Sorry doesn't get out the stain.

- Don't you have any club soda?
- How would I know?

Don't rub! Blot, blot, blot!

- Stop yelling at me.
- Just get out of the way.

- What is wrong with you?
- Well, nothing, I ju...


That's your whoopsie.


My mother's gonna kill me.

What does your mother
have to do with it?

Are you kidding?
She doesn't even let me poop here.

Hey, so how did everything work out?

Sit down, Charlie.

- Why?
- Just sit.


What's going on?

We figured out
what the problem is between us.

Great. What is it?


Well, this ought to be good.

You told Jake
that he should be nice to me...

...because I was oversensitive?

Well, I don't know
that I said those actual words.

And you called me a D student
with a perpetual you-know-what.


Yeah, those were my actual words.

Charlie, don't you see
how you're the one...

...who's been driving a wedge
between us?

No, not really.

I told you he wouldn't get it.

Hang on a second, hang on.

You're blaming me because you two
can't get along and now...

You're right.

You're right.

I'm the problem.

I am so sorry. It won't ever happen again.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

"Perpetual" means pointy, right?


Okay, I think I got it all out.

You didn't have to yell.


I know, I'm sorry.
I don't know what got into me.

- It was just an accident.
- I know.

You hurt my feelings.

Again, I am so sorry.

Come here.



Now wait till you see the panoramic city
to ocean views at night.

Why are we running?

- Remember I told you I rented this house?
- Yeah.

I lied.


Oh, no, not again.

Okay, okay. Just let me do the talking.


Get down on your knees...

...and put your hands behind your head.

Uh, okay, okay.
First of all, let me explain the erection.

What's going on?

Not much.

Where's Jake and Chelsea?

They went to the movies together.

Oh, how nice.

- Yep. Life is good.
- Mm.

So did you sell that house?

Uh, no.

Actually, I'm not working
for Mom anymore.

You quit?

Yeah, let's say that.

And while we're at it,
let's say I dumped Melissa...

...and decided she never wants
to see me again as long as she lives.

- Okay.
- Mm-hm.

Oh, uh, hey, you know how they say
if you take one of those pills...

...and your erection lasts for more than
four hours, you should call a doctor?


What time is it?