Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 3 - Mmm, Fish. Yum. - full transcript

I said no.
And I say, why not?

- Why not?
I don't have to give you a reason.

Dad, I got my learner's permit
but Mom won't let me drive.

Just because they give 15-year-olds permits
doesn't mean they're ready.

I've been driving for years.

"Grand Theft Auto 1,"
"Grand Theft Auto 2."

I never ran over anybody
but pimps and crack whores.

- Jake.
- Sorry, crack prostitutes.

Go get started on your homework.

- After, will you take me driving?
- We'll talk.

- When?
- Go to your room.



- I'm available now.
- Go.

Man, if I knew how to hot-wire a real car,
I'd be so out of here.

- Thanks for bringing him by, I guess.
- Lf you need to reach me, Herb and I...

...are going to Laguna Beach
for a weekend getaway.

- How nice. Taking the baby?
- Are you insane? I said "getaway."

Herb's lucky I'm taking him.

- I see. So who's watching little Millie?
- My mother.

- Ooh. Are we sure that's a good idea?
- Okay, first of all, there is no we here.

And what are you implying?

That there might be better choices
for a babysitter than a woman...

...who has a sandwich named after her
at the Betty Ford clinic.

She's three years clean and sober,
all the charges were dropped...

...and she's great with Millie.
- All right.

I gave her your number,
in case there's an emergency.



I don't mind. So how is the baby anyway?

- Fine.
- Good, good.

Jake showed me some pictures.

I gotta say,
she doesn't look much like you...

...and she doesn't look like Herb.

Don't go there, Alan.

Go where? I'm not implying that
someone other than Herb...

...could be the father,
even though that someone...

...did have unprotected sex with you
nine months before the birth of a child...

...that looks suspiciously
like that someone.

You get that I'm talking about me, right?

If we wanna beat the traffic,
we should get going.

- Hey, Alan.
- Hey, Herb.

You hear? Judith and I are spending
a romantic weekend in Laguna.

I said weekend, Herb. That's all.

Okay, fine, no romance.

But sex is still on the table, right?

- Just get in the car.
- Oh, can I drive?

- No.
- Why not?

Is she gone?

Damn it!

Chelsea, your cat's trying to kill me.

Is he okay?
- The cat's fine.

Probably off plotting his next mo...
Whoa. Whoa!

- Are you okay?
- No.

- What happened?
- Uncle Charlie fell.

Oh.

Can I drive you to the hospital?

Mr. Lancelot!

Here, kitty, kitty!

He's probably hiding
because he thinks you're mad at him.

For God's sake, the cat doesn't think
anything except maybe:

"Mm, fish, I'll eat it."

Or, "Ooh, sand, I'll crap in it."

You're wrong.
He's very intelligent and very intuitive.

- He knows you resent him living here.
- Thank you, but I can defend myself.

I was talking about my cat.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Mm, fish, yum.

- Okay, I'm going to work. Feel better.
- Thanks.

How's the shoulder?

Oh, the shoulder's fine.

I'm just hoping to get a little
"Oh, poor Charlie" tonight.

- "Oh, poor Charlie?"
- Yeah. You know, "Oh, poor Charlie.

I feel bad about your shoulder,
so you just lie still...

...while I provide you
with a series of intense orgasms."

Wow. I don't know what to say,
other than "oink."

Is that a car? Can I drive?

Relax, it was just Chelsea going to work.

Oh. Uncle Charlie,
you need to go anywhere?

- Yeah, away from you.
- All right. I'll drive you.

You wanna drive my $80,000 Mercedes?

Yes, please.

It's good that he's polite.
It's a necessary quality in a doorman.

- Was that a yes or a no?
- That was a no.

- So the doorman thing was an insult?
- Yes.

Oh.

And a prophecy.

Hello?

No, it's Charlie. Who's this?

I can't hear you, what?

- Alan, it's for you.
- Oh.

Hello? Oh. Oh, hi, Lenore.
It's Judith's mother.

Is that the house alarm?

Is the baby okay?

All right, open the little panel
by the front door...

...and enter pound, star and the code.

Pound is the little tic-tac-toe board.

Yeah, like on Hollywood Squares.

- She still popping the pain pills?
- No.

Good. See if she's got any leftovers.

Okay, the code is Jake's birthday.

Your grandson.

Anyway, it's 0314. Oh.
No, Lenore, don't punch it into the phone.

No, Lenore! Lenore! Lenore.
Okay, okay, okay. Calm down.

Calm down. I'll be right there.
I will turn it off for you.

Okay, okay. Bye. Ugh. I gotta go.

You couldn't be more of a sucker
if you were on the end of a stick.

Why? Because I'll take any excuse
to spend time with my daughter?

- You don't know you're the father.
- Oh, come on.

She's got my jaw line, my eyes, my ears.

You left out thinning hair
and poopy pants.

That was one time
and I begged you to stop at a gas station.

Oh, Alan, thank God you're here.

I pushed all the buttons,
but I can't get it to stop.

That might be because you were
adjusting the thermostat.

- Ah. There we go.
- Oh, thank God.

Oh, here, let me see if I can turn
this alarm off, ha, ha. Come here, Millie.

Come to Papa.

Was a rolling stone

Wherever he laid his hat was his home

Always sang this to Jake.
Worked like a charm.

And when he died

All he left us was alone

- Huh. Look at that.
- Well, you are a miracle worker, Alan.

Oh, no. I just have a knack for babies.
And animals.

It's only English-speaking adults
that don't like me.

Well, I think you're a wonderful fellow.

And if you don't mind my saying,
Judith was a fool to let you go.

Eh. She didn't so much let me go
as drop me from an airplane...

...with an anvil necklace.

Okay, honey,
time to get your beauty rest.

I'm afraid that's gonna have
to be a long nap.

I hate to say it about my granddaughter...

...but let's face it, with those big ears,
she looks a little like a fruit bat.

I think her ears are the perfect size.

You would.

- How about some wine?
- Uh... Thank you, but I should get going.

Oh, no, come on. Join me.
Just one. We'll catch up.

Uh, it's none of my business,
but do you think you should be drinking?

- Because I've been to Betty Ford?
- Oh, no.

Because you got kicked out of Betty Ford.

Hey, Britney bit me first.

Anyway, I was there for pills.

I've never had a problem with alcohol.

See? No problem.

Okay, now...

...where did I hide those muscle relaxers
I picked up in Mexico?

That's right, between my butt cheeks.

Turn around.

Uncle Charlie?

- What?
- You hungry?

Because if you are,
we could go get something to eat.

And I'll even drive.

- Jake, I'm sleeping.
- Okay.

You know, you can nap in the car.

I just gotta have an adult with me.
They don't have to be conscious.

- I'm not hungry.
- Okay, fine.

You wanna go see a movie?
Because if you do...

Maybe after your nap.

- Oh, crap, now I'm awake.
- Great. You hungry?

You're lucky you're single, Alan.

- Oh, I don't know.
- Oh, no, trust me.

I've been married for 39 years.

Really? But Judith's 40.

Shh.

Do you know what it's like to wake up
every morning, year after year...

...and see the same stupid face
lying next to you?

Uh, well, all I can tell you
is what I told your daughter.

If you don't like it, roll over.

Fred hasn't touched me in 14 years.

Uh, well, in his defense,
he did have that stroke.

Do you know what happens
to a woman's body...

...when it goes unloved for that long?

Lenore, I don't feel comfortable
talking about this with you.

Oh, now, Alan, come on.
We're both grown-ups.

Think about what I am saying.

All right? Well...

I'm getting an image of a cave
from an Indiana Jones movie.

What?

Well, you know, cobwebs...

...dust...

...human skulls.

This is my vagina we're talking about.

Oh, I am well aware
of what we're talking about.

I've been so alone.

Oh. Oh. I'm...

I'm sorry, Lenore.

A stroke's starting to look pretty good.

- Can't I at least back it out?
- No.

Come on, nothing's gonna happen.

- Look, you wanna go eat or not?
- Fine.

If we went to an empty parking lot,
could I drive?

How many times I gotta tell you...?

- What the hell was that?
- I don't know.

Sounds like you ran over a cat.

Told you you should have let me drive.

You know,
Chelsea's gonna completely freak out.

No, she will not be happy.

- Doesn't even look like a cat anymore.
- Nope.

More like a cat pancake. "Catcake."

Sorry.

- What am I gonna tell her?
- She doesn't have to know.

You're right.

She thinks Sir Lancelot's missing,
so he stays missing.

Sir Squished-a-Lot.

Let's think what we've gotta do.

We have to get rid of the body,
clean up the mess...

...then act like nothing's happened.
- Good plan. Except.

- Except what?
- Say cheese.

What are you doing?

Making sure I get to drive your car
whenever I want to.

- What? Give me that.
- Too late. I emailed it to myself.

- You're bluffing.
- Perhaps.

But can you really afford
to take that chance?

Hush, little baby, don't say a word

Daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird

If that mockingbird don't sing

Forget it, I'm not sleepy.

Let's go in the hot tub.

But I don't have a bathing suit.

Me neither.

Come on, stroke.

Judith, ah. This just keeps getting better.

Oh, hey, look who's up. Hi, sweetie.

You need a change? Oh, yeah.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

Before this day is over...

...I might need to change my undies too.

Uh-oh.

It's your Mommy again.

Shh.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Judith. What's up?

- So how's Laguna?
- Laguna's fine.

Um, my mother's
not answering the phone.

I need you to go check on her
and the baby.

Me? You want me to drive all the way
to Sherman Oaks...

...to check on your mother,
who you assured me was clean and sober?

What's that?

Uh, that is TV that I am watching.

The baby channel.

A documentary about obese babies.

Tragic.

I will check up on your mother for you,
but you owe me one.

Oh, Alan.

Ta-da.

Not bad.

What's not bad?

I mean, it's not a bad idea
for me to check up on her.

Thank you. Call me when you get there.

Oh, Judith.

Look who mowed the front lawn.

So we're agreed,
we will never speak of this again.

Well, that kind of depends on you,
doesn't it?

I've already got the shovel, Jake.
I can dig another hole.

Charlie, I'm home.

Hey, sweetie, how was work?

Okay. I was worried about Sir Lancelot.
Have you seen him?

No, haven't seen him. Not a trace.

What about you, Jake?

No. But if I was a cat,
I'd be out on the beach.

Because the beach is one big litter box
and the ocean is a giant fish bowl.

Like having a sushi bar in your bathroom.

Wow, how great would that be?

I guess. I'll still feel better
when he comes back.

We all will.

- You're quite the little liar, aren't you?
- I'm 15. My life depends on it.

Chelsea, Charlie's gonna take me driving.

- Can we bring you back anything?
No, thanks.

That woman just cut you off.

Learn how to drive, you whore!

Yeah, I'm talking to you!

Lenore, we should probably keep it down.

- We don't wanna wake the baby.
- What baby?

Oh, right.

Woof.

Hello, Judith.

I was about to call you.
The baby's fine, nothing to worry about.

Hey, Judy, Judy, Judy!

Yeah, yeah. That's her.

Uh-huh. Blotto.

Uh, no. No need to rush home.
Everything's under control.

We're in the car,
Millie's sleeping in the back seat...

...and we're heading for Malibu.

Ehab-ray.

Ehab-ray?

You said you were taking me
for crab cakes at Gladstone's.

Well, I'm sorry,
but you just don't have a choice here.

- The hell I don't.
- Lenore! Lenore! Lenore!

Red light. Slow down, slow down, stop!

You're making me really nervous,
you know that?

Hey, you mind
getting me another grape soda?

- Yeah, I mind. Get it yourself.
- Fine.

I just have to send this JPEG
to Chelsea real fast.

Okay, okay.

- Look who finally came home.
- Who?

Sir Lancelot. You've been a bad kitty cat.

I've been so worried about you.

Okay, I'm confused.

If that's Sir Lancelot,
then what did we squash?

Your hope of ever getting behind
the wheel of my car again.

Oh, man.

Leverage is a fickle bitch, my friend.

I got it.

- Can I help you?
- Sorry to bother you.

I live down the beach
and I'm looking for my cat.

I'm sorry, I haven't seen it.
In fact, I just found my little guy.

I'm really worried.

He's black and white, about yay big.

Answers to Puss-Puss.

I'll keep an eye out for him.

Looks like the fickle bitch is back.