Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 18 - Ixnay on the Oggie Day - full transcript

Hearing Chelsea is in Mexico with Brad, Charlie considers himself a free dumpee. So when her best friend Gail offers herself as initiate consolation, Charlie is easy prey. Yet when Chelsea calls having left Brad, Charlie makes Gail leave. Charlie's new receptionist is puzzled by the lustful sounds while he gives single female chiropractics patient Priscilla Honeycutt the massage she craves. Even Charlie looks down upon his acceptance of paying her massage house calls. Meanwhile Chelsea returns, acts indignant about Gail, admits later that was unfair, only to repeat that very injustice.

Yes Judith, I did deduct $30 from
your child support check this month.

Because I paid for Jake's haircut.

Yes, it is usually $9

but he wanted to go someplace
without hobbyhorses.

I know he's never gonna win
any beauty contest

but he's our son.

Look, I gotta go.

Sorry you had to hear that.

That's my ex-wife.


- Hello, Mrs Honeycutt, I'm Dr. Harper.
- Doctor.

Okay, so you are having spasms
in your lower back.

It's awful.

Some days,
I can't even get out of bed.

- I know how that it is.
- You have back problems, too?

Anyway, lie face down.
We'll see if we can locate the problem.

I've tried everything.

Acupuncture, yoga, shiatsu.

Nothing seems to work.

Not surprised.

Those Eastern practices
are mostly hooey.

Modern chiropractic on the other hand,
is built on over 50 years of science.

Okay, let's take a look
at what we've got, here.

Okay, now.
Is this too much pressure?

How about this?

Okay, now.
Is this where the spasms occur?

A little lower.

- Here?
- Lower.


- Am I hurting you?
- God, no!

Nobody's touched me like this
since my husband died.

I'm so sorry.

How long has it been...

That long, huh?

- It's pretty sensitive, here
- Harder!

Okay, no problem!

So, just out of curiosity...
How did you find me? Referral?

My website, or...

The fliers of the Mongolian barbecue
across the street?

Shut up and rub!

I'm not technically rubbing.

- Don't stop!
- I'm not stopping.

Spank me!

- I'm sorry?
- Spank my lonely ass!

- What?
- Do it, bitch!

Yes, Dr. Harper!

let's take a look at the schedule.

See what the rest of the afternoon
looks like.

Well, that's not too bad.

How are you liking
your first day of work here?

- Thank you, Dr. Harper.
- You are most welcome.

And remember,
alternating an ice pack with a...

a heating pas is very helpful
for spasming.

I'd like to make
another appointment.

Sure, sure. What were you thinking?
Maybe next week?



Oh, gloriosky.

Well, we close up at 5:00.

So I can expect you at my place
at 9:00.

Oh, gee!
I don't do house calls.

Per se.

See you at 9:00.

Some patients pay in cash.

Their insurance
won't cover chiropractic.

Part of our ongoing
health care crisis.

Tragic, really.

By the way,
you are doing one heck of a job.

Here's a little something.

Just 'cause your smile
lights up the place.

Let's sweeten the pot.

Can you give me ten back?

Not a problem.

Can't put a price on a smile.

Season 7 Episode 18
"Ixnay on the Oggie Day"

Subtitles: Mr. Bo Jingles Team

- I like the new look.
- Thanks.

It's fashion forward.

- What does that mean?
- I don't know.

It's what the guy
who cut my hair said.

He also said
it was "fun and fabulous."


And he invited dad to a party.

I didn't go.

It's just nice to be asked.

So, why'd you decide to abandon
your classic cereal bowl coif?

What's a coif?

- You can't glean it from the context?
- What's glean?

Why'd you change your freakin' hair?

My new girlfriend wanted me to.

If she wanted you to jump off a bridge,
would you?

If she put her tongue in my mouth
when she asked me, yeah.

I can't blame you. I once bought a woman
a car for the same reason.

She put her tongue in your mouth?

Sure, let's say mouth.

The check, please?

Let me get this one.

You're not gonna to go
for the world record?

- What are you talking about?
- 1,647 meals in a row

where you haven't taken out
your stupid Velcro wallet.

- You were counting?
- Am I close?

Nevertheless, I'm paying.

Smell that, Jake?

The air coming out
of your father's wallet

has been in there
since before you were born.

Very funny.

Nobody is going to believe this.

For God's sake.

Isn't that Chelsea's friend, Gail?

- I wonder if I should say hello.
- I wouldn't mind.

Finish paying the check, you weasel.

As long as you got your wallet out,
I could use some new sneaks.


Are you dying?

- Great to see you.
- How've you been?

Pretty good. You?

Well, you know...

I'm sorry to hear
about you and Chelsea.

The way it goes.

Win some, lose some.

Start having liquor delivered home
so you don't have to put on pants.

Well, if it's any consolation,
I know how you feel.

I'm still not over my breakup.

But I'm not much of a drinker, so...


Have you seen Chelsea?

I had dinner with her, and...

- We had dinner the other night.
- Her and Brad?

Come to think of it, he was there.

- Looks like they're an item now.
- I guess.

You guess?

What do you want from me?
They're in Mexico for the weekend.

Mexico. Nice.

- I went there with her once.
- I'm sorry.

It's fine, we had a great time.

When we got back,
I bought her a car.

She told me.

Listen, I got to go, but...

- If you ever wanna talk.
- Thank you.

For the last time,
I am not dying and I'm not sick.

Everything's fine.

Okay, I got it.

But you can understand my skepticism,

I really don't see
why I shouldn't ask her out.

Seriously? The woman
is Chelsea's best friend.


She's single, I'm single.
She's lonely, I'm lonely.

She's gorgeous,
I'm well above average.

I'm just saying it's a bad idea.

I never said it wasn't a bad idea.

I said I don't know
why I shouldn't do it.

What's that?

That's a portable massage table.

So what, you're givin' rub-and-tugs
on the pier now?

I am a licensed professional,

and I will not stand here

and be accused
of unethical behavior.

Just because

you have no moral compass
doesn't mean I don't.

And while, yes,
that's a triple negative,

it nevertheless defines me
as the man for whom

I am aiming to be!

What the hell are you talking about?

I am just trying
to augment my income

by seeing clients in their homes,

thus alleviating them
of the added stress of commuting,

not to mention speed bumps
and potholes, of which,

as you know, can jostle the spine!

Guy picks up one $30 check
and he has a brain aneurysm.

How are ya?

Slow down, slow down.

Why are you crying?

Wait a minute.

You're in Mexico?

Why on Earth are you in Mexico?

Sure, Brad.

Sweetie, I'm sorry
it's not working out.

Well, I love you
and I miss you, too.

When are you gonna be back?

I'll see you tomorrow.

I... can't wait.

All right, bye-bye, sweetie.

I hope that smile's for me.

Who else would it be for?

You ready for round two?

Yes and no.

Something wrong?

While you were in the bathroom,

Chelsea called.


Apparently, things didn't go well
in Mexico, and...

she's coming home.

Well, that's a shame.

Anyway, she wants to see me.
Said she loves me and misses me.

So, one call
and you're just gonna go running back?

This is awkward.

Come on.
You know how I feel about her.

I do.

So, we should probably keep

what happened tonight
just between us, right?

Mum's the word?
Zip the lip?

Ixnay on the oggie day aisle stay?

Of course.

You know,

we could just pretend
that you didn't get the phone call

for like...

another hour.

We could, couldn't we?

But wouldn't that be...


I won't tell if you don't.

I'm sorry, Gail.
I can't, I can't justify it to myself.

Can I at least kiss you good night?


On the other hand,
there's no arguing with a boner.

Let's see.

When Gail came over,
it was 11:00 here

and midnight in Cabo.

When Chelsea called,
it was midnight here and 1:00 in Cabo.

So when I did Gail at 12:10,

Chelsea technically
hadn't called yet.

Not my best work,
but I can live with it.

Tough night, Bunky?

I'm a whore, Charlie.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Jake needed a haircut,
and you had no money.


I took money

to give a woman pleasure.

Wait a minute.

gave a woman pleasure?

You have no idea
what powerful orgasms

these hands
are capable of delivering.

I've always known that.

I just find it hard to believe
they could give them to other people.


this'll convince you.

A woman gave you this?

Right before she told me
she was done with me

and I could show myself out.

Sounds like a dream date to me.
So what's the problem?

How do I live with myself?

How did you do before?

By thinking I was better than you.

Now after all these years,
I've finally descended to your level.

I may have done
some questionable things in my life,

but I have never taken money for it.

That's not to say it wasn't offered.

Deservedly so.

Fine, I'm worse than you.

That's all I'm saying.

I am going to take a shower
and try to wash the cheapness off me.

Better take some steel wool
and a cheese grater.

Don't judge me, Pretty Woman.

I better get going.

Right, right.

So... you and I are okay?

- I'm just sorry it has to end.
- Yeah, me, too.

Chelsea's a lucky girl.

You think so? You should tell her.
I mean, don't tell her.

Thank you, Charlie.

For what?

Proving once again
that I am better than you.

I'm just a rascal! You...

... are a male prostitute!

That is
a terribly hurtful thing to say.

So there we are in this beautiful
hotel room overlooking the ocean,

he's on the phone with his mother

trying to help her
download music to her iPod.

You're kidding!

And I just sat there thinking,
"Charlie would never do this.

Charlie hates his mother
with a blind passion!"

Remember when you used to think
that was a bad thing?

And when Brad's had on the phone
with his mother,

he's telling me how much
I remind him of his mother.

I hope not while you were in bed,

'cause that would reflect badly
on everybody.

- You don't wanna know.
- There's nothing to know.

You went to Mexico with another man,

he talked about his mother in bed,
and you didn't have sex with him.

Nope! That's what happened.
End of story.

I should never have let you go.

Well, sometimes you can't appreciate
what you've got until you go to Mexico

and don't have sex with a ma's boy.

I'm sorry about Brad.
I know that hurt you.

It's water under the bridge.
What you did, I did, doesn't matter.

- What did you do?
- Doesn't matter.

Charlie, no secrets.

Please, can't I just have one?

Whatever it is, it doesn't matter.
We were separated.

All right, here goes.

I was having pizza with Alan
and Jake the other day.

By the way, Jake got a new haircut.
It's just fabulous.

Okay, well, you'll never guess
who was there getting takeout.

Your old buddy Gail.

My God, you didn't.

I didn't say I did, but good guess.

- I don't believe you!
- What?! We were separated.

- You were in Mexico with another man.
- But she's my best friend!

Yeah, well, I'd have
to say the jury's still out on that.

You are such a pig!

A pig who hates his mother.

Go to hell!

Oh, come on!

It was 1:00 in Cabo!


How about here?

Oh, yeah...

that's how Mommy likes it.

Okay, you know what? I'm sorry.
I can't do this.

What's wrong?

I am a professional.

I studied chiropractic
for three years in Guadalajara.

That was with almost
no Spanish language skills

and a family of parasites
living in my colon.

And I did not go through all of that
to become some sort

of G-spot Johnny.

Is that what you think you are?

Well, you're giving me money,
and I'm giving you...

what I'm giving you.
It just, it makes me feel cheap.

So it's too much like
a business transaction.


How about we forget the money,

and I'll show you something I learned
in Guadalajara?


Ai, yi, yi, yi!

Canta y no llores...

I'm sorry.

I overreacted.

Yeah, you kinda did.

You're both single,
you're both adults,

and you and I were separated.

Plus you were honest with me,
so I'm willing to put it behind us.

Thank you.

Thank you!
I love you so much.

I love you, too.

Why don't I take you out
for a nice lunch

- and we'll catch up?
- You wanna go out?

I'm a little hungry.
Aren't you a little hungry?

Gail's upstairs, isn't she?

Once again, we were separated
and I was vulnerable!

So we're on the same page,
are we still together

or am I allowed
to go back upstairs?!


How much madder could she get?

Okay, I think we're making
good progress with the back spasms.

Thank you.
I'll see you on Wednesday.

Looking forward to it.
And Mrs. Honeycutt?

If it's okay with you, I think I'd like
to go back to our original arrangement.

But you said it made you feel cheap.

What can I say?
Turns out Iamcheap.

Your call. Bye-bye.

Have I told you lately
that you are doin' a great job?

'Cause you are doin' a great job!

In fact, I am going to make you
employee of the month.

I want an adjustment.

I'm sorry.
Are you having back problems?

No, I want an adjustment
like you give her.

Oh, gee, I don't think
that would be appropriate.

All right, then I want a raise
and dental insurance.

Hop on the table.

Subtitles: Mr. Bo Jingles Team