Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 17 - I Found Your Moustache - full transcript

Charlie and Chelsea get back together for one night, which leaves Charlie mistakenly believing that they are back for good.

- I'm gonna hate this movie.
- How can you be so sure?

It's got subtitles.

The only good subtitles
are for Nazis

Columbian drug lords and aliens.

And Kung Fu.

Excuse me, but NPR called
Hiroshima la Poubelle

an "enchanting journey
of self-discovery. "

They're not gonna call it

a "two-hour French snooze-fest
for pompous douche-buckets"

You agreed that if I paid
for the tickets,

we could see what I wanna see.

I didn't think
you could scrape together 18 bucks

without stopping at a blood bank.

It is a small price to pay
to finally get you out of the house.

It's been 3 weeks since your breakup,
and you need to move on.

Says the guy who still carries around
a naked picture of his ex-wife.

I bought those boobs.
I have a right to look at them.

Damn. I don't believe it.


- She's here.
- My ex-wife?

No! It's Chelsea.

She's with that Brad guy.

So, what do we do? Do we say hello?

No. We get the hell out of here.


Look who's here!
Alan, Chelsea's here!

- You guys remember Brad.
- How's it going?

Good. Great!
Looking forward to the movie.

I'm surprised.

This doesn't strike me
as your cup of tea.

Are you kidding? NPR called it

an "enchanting journey
of self-discovery"

You know I live for that crap.


Well, it was good seeing you.

You, too.

That was awkward.

Tell me about it.

Had to be tough for you.

Your ex-fianc?e
out with another guy?

Good-looking guy.

You're here with your brother.

- I know.
- That'll tighten the old sphincter.

You still want to go?

No, I'm not gonna give her
the satisfaction.

- I can suck it up for two hours.
- Three hours and 20 minutes.


It covers four generations
of transsexual Kabuki dancers.

Let's go.

All right.

But you should pay me back
for the tickets.

Not now.

When it's convenient.

Season 7 Episode 17
"I Found Your Moustache"

Subtitles: Mr. Bo Jingles Team

I can't believe
she's already dating.

You're kidding?

The day after she moved out,
you married a stripper.

People grieve in different ways,

And the stripper was already married,
so no harm, no foul.

Everybody's got somebody but me.

Hello? I'm not with anyone, either.

You're a big loser that says "Hello"

- I wonder if she's slept with him yet.
- Don't go there. Don't punish yourself.

If she hasn't already,
I'll bet you she does tonight.

Okay, punish yourself.

What man's gonna sit through
a three-hour gay French flick

unless he figures he's got a shot
at getting laid?

You didn't even give that movie
a chance.

I'll bet you right now
he's driving her back to his place.

They're talking about the movie.

He'll make up some crap
about how it made him cry.

Then he'll ask her in
for a cup of coffee,

which he'll turn
into a glass of wine.

One thing leads to another,
and before you know it,

he's got her in the bathtub
running like a jet ski.

At least that's how I'd play it.

- Come on.
- Where we going?

Chelsea's. I gotta see
if she comes home tonight.

Why am I going?

Hello? I'm hammered.

How's it gonna look if I get a DUl
on the way to spy on my ex-girlfriend?

He's very responsible
about drinking and stalking.

How long are we gonna sit here?

Till she comes home.

What if she spends all night
with Brad?

Then we'll be here all night.

No, no. No, don't...

Hey, I can... if I want to.

I'm tired.

- Then go to sleep.
- Without my Melatonin and mouth guard?

I don't think so.

Car, car, car.

It's them.

- Get down.
- Quick, put this on.

- What is it?
- Mustache.

- In your glove compartment?
- Don't worry, it's fake.

That doesn't answer my question.

Think you're the first who's checked up
on a woman who's dumped you?

There is a whole side to you

I don't want to know anything about.

That's a good look for you.
It's kind of '70s porn star.

I'm guessing.

- Look at that thing he's driving.
- It's a Prius.

Of course it is.

I'm saving the planet.
Could I play with your boobies?

Do not put down the green lifestyle.

I have worked very hard
to reduce my carbon footprint.

You're a mooch and a miser.
Don't try to make it sound hip.

They're getting out of the car.

Don't you just love how he dresses?
Youthful, but not trying too hard.

Unlike some people.

Great, they're kissing.

Good thing he doesn't know
where her mouth has been.

Wait a minute.
He's getting back in his car.

And there he goes.

Well, denied,
Mr. Greenpeace Sissy Pants!

There. You feel better?

Can we go home?

I want to make sure
she gets inside okay.

You know, there's a soft side
to you that I just applaud.

You don't let it out often,
but when you do, it lights up the world.

Wait a minute.

Why is she getting in her car?
Where is she going?

Maybe she's cheating on Brad.

- What?
- Isn't that how you'd play it?

Follow her.

- Catch up, you're gonna lose her.
- Relax.

This is not the first woman
I've followed

while honoring a restraining order.

Looks like she's heading for Malibu.

- Who does she know in Malibu?
- No idea.

- What the hell is that?
- Oh, damn.

I'm out of gas.

- How could you be out of gas?
- I don't know.

I just put three dollars in
the other day.

Three dollars?

Actually $2.50.
I bought a Milky Way.


All right, we'll call Triple-A.

You don't have Triple-A?

It costs, like, $49 a year.

Charlie, I gas up
three dollars at a time!

Great! Just great!

Do you have Triple-A?

I have Mercedes Gold Platinum Valet
something or other.

So? Won't they come and help us?

Let's see.

Will Mercedes come out to put gas
in an '89 Volvo?

I'll call them to ask.

You're actually waiting for me to call,
aren't you?

Come on.

We'll hoof it.

What, I'm supposed to leave my car
abandoned on the side of the road?

- What if somebody tries to steal it?
- Good thinking.

Leave the keys, gas money,
and a thank-you note.

Spoken like someone with insurance!

My feet...

are killing me.

That's what you get for wearing
those expensive Italian loafers.

They're just not made for walking.

You're right.

Uncle Charlie,
you look like a '70s porn star.

I'm guessing.

What are you doing here?

I needed to talk to you.

What's up?

Come on, Jake.
Let's give them some privacy.

Why? Do you think
they're gonna do it on the couch?

Here it is.

Seeing you tonight
made me realize how much I miss you.


Do you miss me?

He's been crying like a little girl.

Will you go away!

What? I'm on your side.

I can see
nothing's changed around here.

Just that you're gone.

And yes, I do miss you,

and I have been crying
like a little girl.


So, what have you been up to?

Not much.

How do you like living with your dad
and his boyfriend?

It's a bit weird.

I can imagine.
Two old Navy guys shacking up.

Walls are pretty thin.

Every night I'm hearing:
"Up periscope, down periscope."

"Launch the torpedo."

Enough idle chitchat.
What's the deal with you and Brad?

He's great, but...

it's just not the same.

Have you two...?

Wipe that smile off your face.

You wipe it off.

You're gonna have to do
better than that.

One question.

What was with the mustache?

When I'm out with Alan,
I don't like people to recognize me.

They are doing it on the couch.

So what's the deal
with Uncle Charlie and Chelsea?

Are they back together,
or was that just a booty call?

What do you know about booty calls?

In theory, everything.



Just a little disappointed.

I saw Chelsea's car outside.
I didn't see yours.

She spent the night,
but are they back together

or just scratching the old itch?

What do you know about the old itch?

It's intercourse, Dad.
Why do we play these games?

- Good morning, all.
- Morning.


Come on. Give.

There's nothing to give.

She came by,
said she misses me, spent the night.

- So is she moving back in?
- Is the wedding back on?

Or was it just
making the beast with two backs?

What is wrong with you?!

I'm at an awkward age.

- Morning, everyone.
- Morning.


I have to get home
and change for work.

- Can we talk?
- Sure.

That's never good.

- How do you know?
- That's what Mom said to you.

So I'm thinking, you grab some things
from your dad's for tonight,

and then we move
all of your stuff back this weekend.

I'm not coming back tonight.

Why not?
Last night was good, right?

It was great,
but it doesn't solve our problems.

It sure solved mine.

It's not that I don't love you,

but I'm still not sure
that we have a future together.

You're really freaking me out here.

I've gotta go.

Come on. Wait.

I found your mustache.

Where was it?

Where do you think it was?
It was stuck to my ass.

Feel like talking?

I do not.


You gotta admit
you're in a better place now

than you were this time last night.

24 hours ago, the woman you love
was on a date with another man.

But presto-change-o,

she wound up
spending the night with you.

Of course,

come the morning, once again,
she dropped you like a lead turd.


You didn't wanna talk.

Me, I'm just the opposite.

When I get my heart broken,
I have to talk.

You cannot shut me up.


I've tried to be the strong,
silent type, but...

it's just not who I am. I mean...

Not to mention
there's physical manifestations

to bottling up your feelings.

I mean, constipation, migraines.

Or it goes the other way:
gas, diarrhea.

You just cannot predict it.

It's kind of an emotional crapshoot.


That just came to me,
right off the top of my head.

Got it.

But you are lucky.

You've got your music
to express your feelings.

You could play the blues,
for instance.

My baby done left me.

She ain't coming back.

- What's going on?
- I'm smothering your daddy.

I'm just saying it seems like every time
it's my turn to pick up the crap,

he's got the runs.

Well, stop feeding him Chili.

- Are you looking for Chelsea?
- No, he came to see two old queens

walking a dog.

Who are you calling a queen,

She's not here, Charlie.
She went to dinner with that Brad guy.

- You want to come in, have a beer?
- I don't want to bother you guys.

Don't be silly. Come on.

Okay, thanks.

You had to tell him she's with Brad?

What, I'm supposed to lie?

No, but you can dummy up.

Look at the poor bastard.

I'm sorry.
I wasn't thinking.

"I wasn't thinking. "
That should be your middle name.

Don't be getting in my face
when I'm holding a bag of poop.

I'll grab some brews.

Chelsea told me about last night.

I don't understand it, Tom.
I thought we were back together.

Yeah, well,
you can't make sense out of a woman.

They're like beautiful puzzles
with missing pieces,

or a great book with no ending,

or like my old man used to say,
"They're all friggin' nuts"

I don't know what to do. Should
I leave her alone? Should I pursue her?

If I might chime in.

I would say
that stopping by unannounced,

with some liquor store flowers,
sends up a rather desperate flare.

I know. I just couldn't sit home
and do nothing.

I keep turning it over in my mind.

What did I do wrong?
What could I have done differently?

Man, how many times did I ask myself
that question when I was married?

Me, too.

What have we got between two of us...
something like 80 years of marriage?

Let's see...
I was with Beth for 38,

and you were with Martha
for 40, 41...

I didn't need you
to actually do the math.

Don't bark at me.
I'll beat the snot out of you.

Bring it on, mister.

Maybe I should go.

No, sit down.
Finish your beer.

We're just sparring.

I love this broken-down
son of a bitch.

Oh, for God's sake,
don't gay it up in front of company.

Now you listen to me, young man,

in the final analysis, it doesn't matter
what you did or didn't do.

You want Chelsea back?

You've got to make her miss you
like you did last night.

She's not going to miss you
if you're squatting in her living room

with those sad-ass petunias.

So, what, I'm supposed to just go
about my business hoping

that one day she shows up
and says, "I'm back"?

Or you can do like me and Ed did.

Change teams.

A lot easier living with a man
than a woman.

Tom and I watch the same TV shows.
We like the same food.

You don't have
to leave the room to fart.

You don't have to,
but it sure would be a nice idea.

Okay, well, thanks, fellas.

This was real helpful.

We're always here for you.

Thank you.

Don't tell Chelsea I stopped by.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Remember what we told you:
lay low for a while.

- Run silent, run deep.
- There you go.

Well, what do you think?

Watch Sports Center
and then fool around a little?


you need to take a Viagra?

You're my Viagra, baby.

That's so sweet.

Just for that,
you can hold the remote.

Sorry. Didn't mean to disturb you.

Just grabbing a water.

No, no, no, it's fine.
Come on. Join me.


Yeah, sit down.


I want to apologize for...
you know...

Trying to kill me with a pillow?

It was horseplay.
Don't make a big thing about it.

What I'm saying is
that I know you were trying

to cheer me up, and I appreciate it.

Thank you.

I realize that I give you a hard time
about living here,

but frankly,
it's probably a good thing to...

have you around.

That means so much
to hear you say that.


I do...

I do love you, buddy.

And I love you, too.

I know, I know.

I don't want this moment
to ever end.


I mean it. I am not letting go.

Well, you're gonna have to, 'cause
it's starting to get a little weird.

We don't need women.
We've got each other.

All right,
you brought this on yourself.

Don't worry.
I'll wait for you on the other side.

Subtitles: Mr. Bo Jingles Team