Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 15 - Aye, Aye, Captain Douche - full transcript

Maybe you didn't notice the way

my lawyer was looking at your fiancA?e.

What are you talking about?

Or the way she was looking back at him.

Charlie, that guy is everything you're not.

* Men. *

Where the hell is she, Alan?

Calm down; don't work yourself into a tizzy.

A tizzy?

I don't have tizzies.

Women have tizzies. You have tizzies.



Me, I am outraged,
I am furious, I am, I am...

Miffed?

Do not complete my sentences

if you don't grasp the concept.

Sorry.

She should've been home hours ago.

I'm sure there's a
perfectly good explanation.

Oh, really? And what would that be?

Okay, well, after the barbecue ended,

Chelsea stayed behind to help clean up.

And then she and Brad got to talking

about all the things they have in common.

You know, their love of horses, children...

Probably just lost track of time.



Because, you know, he's so easy to talk to.

Not to mention how...

good-looking he is.

Or she got diarrhea.

Oh, maybe she called.

Oh, look, there's two messages.

This is Jenny from Malibu Day Spa.

I just wanted to confirm
your Saturday appointment

for a bikini wax.

Bikini wax?!

Uh, I wear a European-cut bathing suit.

I like to keep it tidy down there.

Anyway, I'm sure the next one is Chelsea.

Hi, Mr. Harper. This is Jenny again.

Just a reminder- we can no longer accept

a personal check from you...

I should've just gone with her
to that stupid charity thing.

True. If you'd made a little effort,

you wouldn't be in this situation.

But I bet she knew I wouldn't go

when she asked me.

In fact, I bet she was
counting on me not going,

so she could be alone with this Brad guy.

Do you really think Chelsea
would do something like that?

Why not? That's what I'd do.

I mean, hypothetically.

If I were ever in that situation.

Again.

Right.

The point is, I've been honest
through this whole thing.

She's the one who's been deceitful.

She's nothing but a manipulative,

calculating, two-faced... Hey, honey.

(sweetly): Oh, hi, baby.

How was the party?

It was great.

There was, like, 80 kids
taking turns riding a horse

for the first time in their lives.

So, what, there was just one horse?

No.

Good, 'cause that would've
been a tough day for the horse.

Sorry I'm late, but after we got
the kids back on the busses,

a bunch of us hung out to
chat and help clean up.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I figured.

I just want to jump in
the shower and go to bed.

Okay, I'll be right up.

Night, Alan. Night.

Glad you had a good time.

Well done.

You sublimated your anger and
came from a place of love.

You took the high road.

Really? Is that what you call it?

'Cause I call it a
complete and total betrayal

of my testicles.

If you'd done it as much as I had,

you'd call it the high road.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * * Men. * * Men. *

Hey, Chels?

So, when you say a bunch
of you stayed to clean up,

how many are you talking about?

I don't know; a couple.

Uh-huh.

You know, technically, a couple is two.

So are you saying there were two people

in addition to you and
Brad or just you and Brad?

What are you getting at?

Nothing. Just trying to get
an accurate head count.

You could've come with me, you know.

I know.

to do some things together once in a while.

We do plenty of things together.

Besides sex.

Oh...

When Brad's wife was alive,
they played tennis every day.

Probably what killed her.

She was hit by a car.

Maybe she was chasing a tennis ball.

You know, like a dog.

You throw it, they run after it,

even if there's traffic...

Goofy dogs.

* Men. *

(crowd cheering)

What the hell is that?

Two guys in a cage beating
the snot out of each other.

I can't believe I wasted so
many years watching cartoons.

Turn it down.

Aye, aye, Captain Douche.

What did you say?

Aye, aye, Captain. I'll do that.

Why are you on the couch?
You and Chelsea have a fight?

No, we didn't have a fight.

Were you farting in your sleep?

No.

Did you screw up the sex?

What the hell are you talking about?

You know, there's more than
one way to satisfy a woman.

Oh, really? Like what?

I'm not sure.

Get out!

Fine.

We wouldn't have these problems
if you just put a TV in my room.

We wouldn't have these problems

if I just put a python in your room.

TouchA?, douchA?.

What?

I said touchA?, douchA?.

BERTA: * I really can't stay *

(in deep voice): * Baby, it's cold outside *

(normal voice): * I've got to go away *

(deep voice): * Baby, it's cold outside... *

You mind? I'm trying to sleep.

Hey, I didn't see you there.

What'd you do?

I don't want to talk about it.

Fine. I'm not one to pry.

Money?

No.

Old girlfriend?

No.

She find those Polaroids?

No.

How did you know about the Polaroids?

You just told me, you dirtbag.

So, what did you do,

try to sneak in at 2:00 a.m.

smellin' of booze and pole dancer?

For your information,
Chelsea's the one who came home late.

And she was smelling of horse.

Oh, good Lord, Charlie,
you can't compete with a horse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Seriously.

and you're blessed,
but you ain't no Seabiscuit.

When have you seen my... tallywacker?

I don't know, maybe the nine or
ten times I found you passed out

in your bathtub, holding onto it
like it was a flotation device.

Sorry about that.

Don't be.

Mmm, boy!

Breakfast,

the most important meal of the day.

Three scrambled egg whites,

two slices of "I can't believe
it's not buttered" rye toast

and to flush it through me,

a piping hot cup of freshly ground coffee.

(coffee grinder whirring)

Shut that thing off!

(whirring resumes)

Don't push me. I'm not in the mood.

Did you sleep on the couch last night?

What's it to ya?

Oh, Charlie, what'd you do?

Nothing. Nothing?

I may have compared Brad's
recently deceased wife

to a ball-chasing dog.

Whose balls?

Tennis balls.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

All right, look- while this is
admittedly a bump in the road,

you do have an opportunity here

to really improve your
relationship with Chelsea.

How do you figure?

Well, think about it-

the reason you're threatened by Brad

is because he's a much better man than you.

No, he's not.

I would never come on to
another guy's fiancA?e.

Okay, first of all, we don't know

that he's come on to Chelsea.

And secondly, I've seen you hit on a bride

while she was walking down the aisle.

That was a joke.

I asked her what she was doing later.
Everybody laughed.

My point is, if Chelsea is
looking around for a better guy,

why not make that guy you?

Because I'm not a better guy than me.

Not yet.

But you do have something going
for you that Brad doesn't.

What's that?

Room to improve.

Lots and lots of room to improve.

***

And keep in mind, you're the underdog here,

and everybody loves an underdog.

Then how come nobody loves you?

The principle is still sound.

Just go up there and tell Chelsea you know

that you're a flawed human being,

but that you will spend the rest
of your life trying to be better

because she deserves the best.

So, lie.

You don't have to lie.

Don't you think you're a flawed human being?

Of course I do. But I know me.

I'm not gonna spend the rest
of my life doing anything,

let alone try to be a better human being.

Oh, come on, Charlie.

Look at every New Year's
resolution I've ever made.

I've got the best of intentions,
but by January third or fourth,

there I am broke, hung over,
and coughing up stripper glitter.

Okay, lie.

* Men. *

Hey Chels... I brought
you some orange juice.

Thank you.

Is there any coffee?

No, no, my stupid brother broke the grinder.

There's vodka in this orange juice.

Whoopsie, that's mine.

It's 8:00 in the morning.

Hence the orange juice.

about my unfortunate remarks last night.

And tell you I love you and
I'll spend the rest of my life

trying to be a better man
because you deserve the best.

Well, I appreciate you saying that.

So... we're good?

Yeah.

Great.

So what do you want to do today?

Your choice - whatever
makes you happy. Really?

I'll go anywhere, I'll do anything.

Of course, you'll have to drive.

Well, I was thinking of
going to Beverly Hills

for this charity blood drive.

Great.

We'll give blood together.

Nothing I like better on a Sunday

than tapping a vein for a good cause.

Terrific. Brad will be happy to see us.

Brad?

It's his charity.

He's got another charity?

What the hell's this guy's problem?

It's not a problem, Charlie.

He's a very caring and compassionate man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a freakin' saint.

And you were already
planning on seeing him again.

Well, yeah. He told me

about the blood drive last night.

Right, right, while you were "cleaning up."

What's "this"?

Oh, I think you know what "this" is.

Just go to hell!

Hey, hey-hey,

I'm not the one sneakin'
around seeing somebody

behind my fiancA?'s back!

I am not sneaking around!

Figuring that I wouldn't.

Very sneaky!

Drop dead!

(grinder whirrs, revving up)

Fixed it.

* Men. *

So...

*****

Okay, first of all,
I have nothing to be sorry about.

And second, I am not gonna
discuss my personal life

with someone whose current
girlfriend is a gym sock.

Wow, no wonder she left.

You just lash out for no reason.

EVELYN: Hello?

Out here!

That's my reason.

Boo-hoo. When you gonna stop

blaming your problems on your mommy?

Hey, boys.

Charlie, where's your bride-to-be?

We were gonna finalize the guest list.

She's not here.

She told him to go to hell.

Will you please shut up?

Oh, Charles, what did you do?

I didn't do anything!

He slept on the couch last night.

Nobody's talking to you!

And this is what we've been living with.

Stop heating your socks in the
microwave, you little freak!

Charlie, please don't
let this girl get away.

Don't worry, I won't.

Good, 'cause she's one in a million

and you're a dime a dozen.

Yeah, but I'm the underdog,
and everybody loves the underdog.

Oh, God, now you sound like your brother.

How do you plan on getting her back?

I'm gonna become a better man.

Great, so no plan at all.

* Men. *

What's the forecast?

(slurring): High tonight, low tomorrow.

A hundred-percent chance of hangover.

Heard from Chelsea?

She's staying with her
father for a few days.

At least that's what she e-mailed me.

You don't think she could be with...

Go ahead, say it.

Braa-ad!

You know what?

If she is, fine.

Good riddance.

I was never meant to be tied
down to one woman, anyway.

Well, you are by nature a free spirit.

(sobbing): I miss her, Alan!

I can't live without her!

And you don't have to.

Remember our talk?

Becoming a better man?

Screw it!

I'm as good as I'm ever gonna be!

If she doesn't like it, the hell with her!

That is true. In a healthy relationship,

your partner needs to
accept you for who you are.

(sobbing): Oh, she deserves
better than me, Alan!

She's such a wonderful gal!

I know, I know.

She's-she's like an angel!

She... She sure is.

Then why is she running off with Braa-ad?

This is not angel behavior, Alan.

You know what kind of behavior this is?

Charlie behavior.

(wailing): I took an angel
and I turned her into me!

* Men. *

Charlie...?

I can't sleep in my bed.

It smells like Chelsea.

O- Okay. Well...

why don't you stay here

and I'll go sleep in your room.

No, no, no, don't go.

I don't wanna be alone.

All right.

You're wearing pajama bottoms, right?

Shh...

Exactly how drunk are you?

Both questions...

asked and answered.

* Men. *

(curtly): What?

Oh, hi, Chelsea.

No... no, he's up.

Or not.

Hang on. I'll find him.

Charlie?

Found him. Hold on.

Hey, Charlie?

What?

You got a phone call.

I'll call back.

It's your fiancA?e.

(brightly): Oh, hey, baby.

No, no, I've been up for a while.

So how are ya?

Uh-huh.

What's going on?

Man, you'll do anything not to
kick in a little rent, won't ya?

Are you coming home? I really miss you.

Uh, sure, I can meet you
for coffee, no problem.

Half hour? No problem. See ya.

(groans)

Problem?

What the hell are you doing here?

* Men. *

Hi, sweetie.

Sorry I'm late.

I got you some coffee.

Thank you.

(gulping)

Isn't that awfully hot?

Scalding!

(raspy cough)

So, what's new?

We need to talk about Brad.
No, no, we don't.

I'm sorry.

I trust you, and I was
totally and completely wrong

to think there might be something going on

between you two.

Thank you for that. You're welcome.

Okay, let's go home.

Hold on. I do have a
confession to make.

Oh, this is never good.

The reason I got so upset

by the things you said was because,

well, you kind of touched a nerve.

Yeah, I do that. I'm a nerve toucher.

Runs in the family.

Okay, well, confession's over.

And you forgive me, I forgive you.

Let's go home.

I'm not done.

Aw, crap.

The thing is, I was kind of
attracted to Brad.

He loves his family and he really cares

about his friends and his community.

I'm taking from your tone
that stuff's important to you.

Yes, Charlie, it's important to me.

Okay.

Did you and Brad do
anything other than talk?

Of course not. Nothing's happened.

Oh, thank God.

But while I do love you,

I need to know you care as much as I do.

I do.

You say that,

but are you willing to really
work on our relationship?

Of course I am.

We can start doing things together;
community things.

You know, with the-the-the...
the kids that are poor

and the old people that
fall and can't get up.

What about your family?

I'll get a new family.

Look, I'm telling you, I can change.

(gagging): I can be a better man;
the man you want me to be.

(gagging intensifies): And I promise you...

Excuse me.

(vomits)

Oh, my God!

I am so, so sorry.

You threw up on my baby!

(baby crying)

Anyway, to be fair,
I don't think the carrots were mine.

Get away from him, you pig!

Cute kid.

(baby crying)

Chels?

(sighs)

Damn.

I just got a call from Chelsea.

Oh, yeah?

She said she wants to postpone the wedding.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

Believe it or not, I do love you,

and I hate to see you hurt.

Yeah, well... I guess I kinda had it coming.

But you tried.

I did.

I just have one question.

What's that?

Did you really vomit on a baby?

Don't beat yourself up too much.

We've all done that.

You're kidding.

most of us do it on our own babies.