Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 14 - Crude and Uncalled For - full transcript

Alan ends up in jail after a bar fight, and Charlie worries that Chelsea might be interested in the lawyer who takes the case.

Mm, oh.

And here's another money saver.
If you buy a big bag of irregular socks... can pair up the good ones and use
the cash you save for underwear.

Good to know.

And you can use the leftover misfit
socks for dusting gloves... club cozies,
even a hand puppet.

A hand puppet?

Oh, sure. A couple of buttons
for eyes and you're ready to go.

Hello, pretty lady.


So have you done Internet dating?

All the time. If you're interested, I know
a couple of tricks to weed out the losers.

I'm very interested.

- Hey, how are you?
- Hi.

- Oh, you know him?
- No.


Talking to strange women.
Must be drunk.

Anyway, my profile
says that I am a chiropractor...

...but I also do a lot of holistic work.

You know, acupressure,
tissue massage...

...both of which promote a
sense of well-being...

...and also a heightened
sexual sensitivity. Heh.

Assuming, of course, your
sexual sensitivity requires heightening.

I have absolutely no intention
of sleeping with you, Alan.

Whoa. Whoa, where'd that come from?
I'm just talking about my job.

Making conversation.

And when you say "absolutely no
intention," you mean tonight, right?

- You look like you could one of these.
- You're a mind reader.

Excuse me, but I am with this lady
and if she would like another drink...

...I am more than capable
of providing one.

But the dinner's still Dutch.

- What's your name?
- Louanne.

Hi, Louanne, I'm Marcus.

All right, all right, fun time's over.
Look, Marcus...

...the lady is on a date with me
and you are intruding.

Ask the lady what she wants.

Not necessary. I can tell you what she
wants and it's not me.

But there's a principle involved and that
is one of poaching another man's gal.

- Is that so?
- Yes, that's so. Now take a hike.

Just sit down and finish your peanuts.

- Don't you touch me!
- Hey, hey, calm down.

You're right, you're right. We should just
take a deep breath and calm down.

That's a good idea. So, what are you
doing after Potsie here drops you off?

Hey, Marcus?

How's that, bitch?

What are you doing in there?

Be patient. I got you a surprise.

You hear that? She got us a surprise.

You gonna grab that?

You'll have to be more specific.

- Answer the phone, Charlie.
- Right, right.

Hello? Whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow down, slow down. Who is this?

Oh, hi, Alan.
Not a good time right now.


What the hell are you doing in jail?

You're kidding me.

That's hilarious.

All right, all right, I'm on my way.

What do you think?

I was gonna save it for our wedding.
Couldn't wait.

Oh, baby, by the time we get married
that thing's gonna be half-eaten.

Who was on the phone?

- Alan.
- Everything all right?

Yeah, he was calling to say
he wouldn't be home tonight.

Oh, did he get lucky?

Not yet, but the night is still young.

Ten hours! Ten hours I sat in that
urine-soaked jail cell!

You shouldn't have peed yourself.

You said you'd be right there!

Look, look, I understand your anger,
but you gotta see it from my side.

- What's your side?
- I get really sleepy after sex.

- What's going on?
- Oh. Your gallant fianc?...

...let his brother
rot in a prison cell all night.

- What?
- Oh, come on... was the Beverly Hills jail.
I've been there plenty of times.

Slip the booking officer a 20,
he'll send out for Starbucks.

You know I don't carry
that kind of cash.

Regardless, it was just one night.
Nobody took your man cherry, did they?

Was that why Alan called last night?

Uh... I assume so.

- Oh, Charlie.
- Hey. You had that sexy lingerie on...

...and you were so beautiful.

Plus, you know
how I hate to waste an erection.

I can't believe you abandoned your
brother when he needed you. Horrible.

How'd I become the bad guy
in all this? He's the felon.

Why were you in jail, Alan?

I was forced to use my hands to defend
a lady's honor.

Ask him what happened to the lady.

She drove the guy I punched
to the emergency room.

Why would she go with him
if you were defending her honor?

I would've asked her, but I was busy
being handcuffed and dragged off to jail.

Where I spent the night
covering my behind with a food tray.

Shame on you, Charlie Harper.


Now she's mad at me. Happy?

Oh, yeah, I'm thrilled.

If my transsexual-biker cellmate had only
been a little more affectionate... life would now be perfect!

I don't know. I just snapped and hit him.
First time in my life that's happened.

You mean it's the first time
you've ever won.

The important thing now
is for you to know that your family... a hundred percent behind you.
- Thanks, Mom.

Now, before we waste money
on some expensive lawyer... much jail time are we
talking about if you just roll over?

I don't wanna go to jail.

And if he does,
he certainly doesn't want to roll over.

- Charles, that is crude and uncalled for.
- Thanks.

You're welcome. Nobody
wants to go to jail, sweetie.

Let's face it, if all we're talking about is
60 days alone in a room with no friends... is that different from two months
squatting in your brother's house?

You're kidding, right?

I guess.

Don't worry yourself. I'll get a
public defender and take care of this.

- There you go, problem solved.
- Charlie.

Kid out of law school,
hungry to make his bones.

What's wrong with that? He gets his
hair cut by trainees at the barber college.

I'd be happy to help you hire a lawyer.

No, I couldn't take money from you.

That's an honor
he reserves for family.

So you guys aren't gonna help him?

Of course we are.
But if we didn't torture him...

...he wouldn't
be comfortable accepting help.

You don't know that. Try me.

I'll find the lawyer
and we'll split the fee.

Not fifty-fifty, because I'm out six years
of room, board and incidentals.

And by incidentals, I mean mostly
Kleenex and hand lotion.

Oh, please, I paid for four years
of college and chiropractor school...

...and he still gives me
handmade tchotchkes for Christmas.

You said you loved the pot holders
I made.

I said they made me cry.

Okay, okay, okay, fifty-fifty.

But we'll put it on my card
so I get the miles.

I can't believe you two.

That's okay, Chelsea. I'm used to
being treated this way.

The mocking,
the insults, the humiliation.

It's all part of the festering ugliness
of this family.

See? He's fine with it.

Thanks for coming, you guys.
Your support means a lot.

Thank her. If it was up to me...'d be in San Quentin
wearing lipstick and a mop wig.

Okay, Mom, I gotta go. No, I love you.

What? No, you're not bothering me.

No, I'm happy to take care of it.
Okay, okay, bye-bye.

Sorry. I bought my mom a new computer
and it's opened up a can of worms.

Ironic. I just bought my mom
a can of worms.

Brad Harlow. Are you Alan?

No, no, no, I'm his brother Charlie.
That's my fianc?e, Chelsea.

And that pasty-faced jughead
is the family rottweiler.

I just want it on record
that I am not by nature a violent man.

My fuse is long,
but it is attached to dynamite.

Shut up. I'm paying by the hour.

Would you two just stop it? I'm sorry.

That's all right. I have siblings too.
We tease each other constantly.

You know, sometimes I think it's just
easier than saying "I love you."

Okay, well, I got some
good news for you, Alan.

Hey, when's the last time
you heard that?

I made some calls. The fella you
punched has alcohol-related priors...

...and is definitely not looking
to press charges.

- I don't have to go back to jail?
- Not even a court room.

Oh, thank God.
I can't go back to the joint again.

All right, great, we're off the clock.
What do I owe you?

Relax, you don't owe me anything.

Even better. Thank you.

Charlie. We have to pay you
for your time.

Oh, you hippie.

Well, you can always make
a donation to my charity.

What's that? Lawyers without yachts?

No, no, it's for inner-city kids. They
come out to my ranch once a month...

...learn to ride horses,
get out in the fresh air.

Oh, that's wonderful. I love horses.
I used to ride all the time.

- Shall I write you a check?
- No, no, no, I got it.

- Who do I make it out to?
- Danielle's Darlings.

- Who's Danielle?
- My late wife.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, thank you.

I started the charity to keep
her memory alive. She loved horses.

Crap. That's another zero.

There you go.

Wow. This is incredibly generous.
Thank you.

You're very welcome.

We're having a nature ride and barbecue
for the kids Saturday. You should come.

Really? That sounds wonderful.
Doesn't it, Charlie?

Do the kids race the horses?

What? No.

- There's no action?
- No action.

I don't see the point.

He's just joking.

No, I'm not.
I really don't see the point.

If you change your mind, here's the info.
We'd love to see you.

- Thank you. Maybe we will.
All right.

Yeah, maybe.

- Thanks very much, Brad.
- Always nice to bring good news.

I think having a criminal record... really gonna
spice up my online-dating profile.

Might even post the mugshot.

Wasn't Brad terrific?

Who's Brad?

Alan's lawyer.

Uh... He's okay, I guess.

You guess? Not only does he have a
successful law practice...

...he's doing so much
to help poor kids.

What? By sticking them on horses?
How's that gonna help?

Get them a high-paying
job with Pony Express?

It's not about jobs...'s about getting out of the city,
into the fresh air.

Fresh air?
Have you ever smelled a horse?

You know what I mean. And did you
hear the way he talked about family?

They obviously mean a lot to him.

Family also meant a lot
to Charles Manson.

That's a terrible thing to say.


Hey, speaking of horseback riding,
hop on and I'll race you to the finish.

You know what?
I'm not really in the mood.

That's okay.
I got enough mood for both of us.

Good night, Charlie.

But Charlie's a frustrated pony.

Go to sleep.

You know...

...I was pretty charitable today.
- Mm-hm.

I guess the spirit of giving
doesn't extend to the bedroom, huh?

Good night, Charlie.


- Hey.
- Hey.

- Can't sleep?
- Nope.

Me neither.

Even though I dodged
the legal bullet...

...l've got all this stuff
building up inside me...

...and I'm afraid I'm gonna explode.

I'm afraid I won't.

The other night in that bar,
I just snapped.

It's like I became a different person.

Well, that had to be a nice break
for you.

I'm scared, Charlie.

I mean, there was a part of me
that really enjoyed driving my fist...

...into that jerk's stupid face, watching
him crumple to the floor in agony.

So, what are you scared of?

What if this is just the beginning?

What if I've awakened some
long-dormant monster inside of me...

...who revels in violence?

What if I can't control the monster?

What if the monster takes over?


You're fine. Go to bed, monster.

Okay, good night.

What happened to your hand?

Oh. Oh.

I won't lie to you.

I got into a bar fight
and punched a guy in the face.

Yeah, right.

No, I'm serious.
I spent the night in jail.

Fine, don't tell me.
I was just trying to make conversation.

I'm warning you.
There's a monster inside of me...

...and you don't wanna wake him up!

Oh, hot, hot, hot.

Did the monster burn his mouth
with his chamomile tea?

It's oolong.

Where's Chelsea?

She went to that charity thing
for inner-city horses.

You let her go without you?

Why the hell would I wanna go?
I hate kids and I'm scared of horses.

Maybe you didn't notice the way
my lawyer looked at your fianc?e.

- What are you talking about?
- Or the way she was looking at him.

That's ridiculous.

I'm telling you, there were definitely
sparks between the two of them.

You think?

Charlie, that guy
is everything you're not.

Well, what's that mean?

He likes people...

...he loves his mother... with children...

...and he doesn't stumble through life
stinking of whiskey and K-Y Jelly.

Hey, hey, hey, K-Y Jelly is odorless.

Not where you put it.

I'm just saying that if
Chelsea were my fianc?e...

...I wouldn't leave her alone
with this guy.

If she was your fianc?e,
you'd have big problems.

- Like what?
- Like being the last man on Earth.

I don't understand why I have to go.

Because your uncle wants to use you
to camouflage his growing fear...

...his girlfriend
is interested in another guy.

Hey, hey, hey, I have no fear.

Of course not. You just got a sudden
craving for barbecue and horses.

Whoa, there's gonna be
barbecued horses?


Where the hell is
this lawyer's stupid ranch?

You must've passed the turnoff.
Put the GPS back on.

I don't need the GPS.

Take the next legal U-turn.

Then proceed 22 miles to main road.

- Okay, turn around.
- There's no room.

- Well, then back up.
- Twenty-two miles?

Just till you find a place to turn.

- I'm hungry.
- We're almost there.

I don't think so.
I'd smell the barbecue.

Jake, would you pipe down
so I can concentrate on...?

Oh, damn.

You have reached your destination.

I don't think so.

- Un-freaking-believable.
- Still no signal.

Well, of course there's no signal.
We're in the middle of nowhere.

- I'm starving.
- What do you want? Go catch a squirrel.

This is why I always tell you
to keep an emergency kit in your car.

- Yeah.
- No matter what happens...

...I know that in my trunk
is a thermal blanket...

...flashlight, batteries, bottled water
and assorted protein bars.

You hear that, Jake?
You have an inheritance.

I already ate the protein bars.

You were right, Alan. The more time
Chelsea spends with this Brad guy...

...the more time
she's gonna have to compare.

I'm not gonna come out of that
looking good.

If you're really worried about her
being attracted to a better man...

...why don't you become a better man?

"Why don't you
become a better man?"

Yeah, like that.

You guys think
there are mountain lions up here?

Hadn't given it much thought.

Till just now.

Relax, there's no mountain lions.

You know, this is where it normally
goes bad in slasher movies.

One guy falls back a little bit,
usually to smoke pot or have sex...

...and then he gets his head
hacked off.

Well, let that be a lesson to you
about drugs and premarital sex.

- Good parenting, Alan.
- Thank you.

Mountain lion! Mountain lion!

Oh, crap. Hey, guys, wait up.


I can't believe you really thought
I was a mountain lion.

Go to your room.

You punish me
because you're gullible?

Yeah, pretty much.

Still not funny!

Chelsea's not home.

How could she not be home?
That thing was over hours ago.

Worried she might be cheating on you?

No, I was thinking car trouble,
but thanks for that.


Chelsea and I have been
together for over a year.

We're engaged to be married.

What are the odds she's
gonna leave me for a lawyer...

...because he's rich, handsome...

...loves his family
and named a charity after his dead wife?

I don't know. Even money?

At least.

So 10 bucks
just to make it interesting?