Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 13 - Yay, No Polyps - full transcript

Charlie endures a colonoscopy to get out of a trip to see Chelsea's bigoted parents, only to return home and find them in his living room.

Hey, you got anything special
going on next week?

Well, let's see, next week.

I like to keep Mondays free
for hangovers.

Tuesday I was planning on
getting a haircut, mani-pedi and a facial.

You know, guy stuff.

Wednesday I have a meeting
with my business manager... discuss my retirement plan.

And, as you know, Thursday and Friday
are kind of my me days.

Why do you ask?

Since I have a couple days off...

...we could fly to Illinois
and visit my parents.


I mean, you've only met my mother once
and you've never met my dad.

That's true.

I'd like him to get to know you
before the wedding.

Of course.

Although sometimes with parents,
I'm better served up as a surprise.

- Don't be silly. He'll love you.
- And I'm sure I'll love him.

So good, we'll fly out.

Illinois, here we come.

- I love you so much.
- I love you too.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Oh, darn it.
- What?

I just remembered
I have an appointment next week.

Doctor's appointment?

Yes. Yes. A doctor's appointment.

Is everything okay?

Oh yeah, yeah, just a routine procedure
I've been putting off.

What do you mean,
like a colonoscopy?

Yes, exactly. A colonoscopy.

Oh, Charlie, you can't put that off.

No, no, no, I wanna meet your dad.

I've been putting off
getting a colonoscopy for years.

You're keeping that appointment.

But what about meeting your dad?

- We'll do it another time.
- Are you sure?

Your health
is the most important thing.

- I know how you procrastinate.
- I do, don't I?

Boy, what would you do without me
to take care of you?

Well, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be
getting a colonoscopy next week.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You're not gonna believe
what I just did.

All right, let me see
if I've got this straight.

In order to not spend time
with your fianc?e's parents...'re willing to let a doctor
snake a camera up your keister.

I'd be willing to let them
shoot an IMAX feature...

...but fortunately
it won't be necessary.

- How do you figure?
- I have a plan.

Oh, a plan.

The day of the "procedure," you pretend
to drive me to the "hospital."

- But we're not going to the hospital.
- Precisely.

What we'll actually do
is go to the movies.

Then we'll go out
for a couple of drinks... when I get home,
I'll be appropriately woozy.

And I'll tell Chelsea that my colon
is clean as a whistle.

You know, a whistle that you swallowed
then blew out your bung hole.


And then she'll put me to bed,
I'll get some "Oh, poor Charlie" sex...

...with her being ever mindful
of my tender area.

Wow. This is a new low, even for you.

Now, now, to be fair,
it's only a new low in this relationship.

True, true. Can I pick the movie?

- Fine.
- Do I get snacks?

Yes, I'm paying for everything.

Why do we continue
to play this game?

- Because I still have my pride.
- No, you don't.

Charlie, you okay?

Yeah, I was just reminding Alan that he
has to take me in for my colonoscopy.

Oh, that's not necessary. I'll take you.

No, no, no, I don't want you wasting
your time off in a doctor's waiting room.

Don't be ridiculous. I'm driving you.
Come back to bed.

Good plan.

No, no, no, you don't understand.

I need a colonoscopy,
and it has to be next Wednesday.

Yes, I'll hold.

Can you believe it?
Their hold music is "Tunnel of Love."

It's better than "Brown-Eyed Girl."

Oh. God, I hope I can get an appointment.

Maybe you should grease a few palms.

If it was me,
I'd be greasing everything.

Yeah, hi. Well, great, great.

Wednesday, 8 a.m. Thank you,
thank you, you've made me very happy.

Yeah, I imagine you don't hear that
too often.

What? Yeah, fine, fine,
I won't eat on Tuesday.

What do you mean,
"flush out my system"?

Oh. Ick.

All right, I'm
a little less happy now. Goodbye.

You won't believe
what they want me to do.

Taking laxatives...

...and drinking a half gallon
of industrial strength Colonblow?

Oh, right, you've done this before.
It seemed funnier then.

I gotta tell you,
it seems pretty funny now.

Why don't you just tell Chelsea
the truth?

That I'd rather get violated
by a long metal tube...

...than spend time with her folks?

Somehow, I don't see her taking that
in the spirit in which it was intended.

True, true. Well, I said it before,
and I think I need to say it again.

Good plan.

Why isn't Uncle Charlie eating?

He has to fast
before he goes to the doctor tomorrow.

- Is he okay?
- Yeah, he's getting a routine test.

- They're taking a look at his intestines.
- How do they do that?

Well, they take a tiny camera
and put it on the end of a tube...

- Why don't we eat first?
- Good idea.

Well, I'm happy to report...

...I just saw a piece of Hubba Bubba
I swallowed in fifth grade.

Oh, for God's sake, Charlie,
we're having dinner.

Don't rub it in.

Speaking of which,
I'm out of baby wipes.

I bought you two boxes
of baby wipes.

What can I tell you?
Babies don't crap like this.

At least not healthy babies.

There's a jar of aloe vera
under the sink.

- What am I supposed to do with that?
- Oh. Put a glob on your finger...


- It's cooling and soothing.
- Well, good, good.

Because let me tell you, you could roast
a marshmallow on my anus.

You know what'd be good
for dessert?


How come I'm not loaded?

They're supposed to get me loaded
before, right?

Yes. They'll hook you up to an IV
right before the procedure.

So we're on the same page, I wanna be
stone-cold out before anything goes in.

I'll tell them.

All I get is a glass of wine
and a "pretty please."

- All right, we're ready.
- Did you bring the drugs with you?

Oh, no, the anesthesiologist
takes care of that.

- Good luck.
- Thanks.

Since we couldn't make it to Illinois...

...l'm flying my parents in to stay with us
for a week.


Enjoy your colonoscopy,
you lying dirtbag.

- You knew?
- I knew.

I'll give you a thousand dollars
to push me to the parking lot.

How are you feeling?

Like a new fish at Leavenworth.

Don't be so dramatic. Good news is
you have a clean bill of health.

Yes, but I lost my water-tight seal.

Yes, but you have peace of mind.

Yes, but now I can't wear white
at our wedding.

Yay, no polyps.

Way to go, Uncle Charlie.

Now you know how it feels.

Thanks for calling ahead.

- There's the happy couple.
- Welcome home.

Charlie, you remember my mother,
Martha. And this is my father, Tom.

- Good to see you again.
- You too.

- Nice to finally meet you, Charlie.
- Nice to meet you.

Not much of a grip.

But you're probably a little weak
from your anal probe.

Didn't make me stronger.

Isn't this great, Charlie?
Because you couldn't go see them...

...Chelsea's folks dropped everything
to come spend time with you.

- Yeah, it's great.
- Isn't it funny how plans work out?

Hey, I found some steaks in the freezer.
Thought we'd have a little barbecue.

He has to eat light for a while.

Oh, please, he's been treated like a girl
enough today.

He's not wrong.

I'm never wrong
about what a man needs.

Good golly, what's that fruity smell
coming from your head?

It's an apricot conditioner.

It keeps my hair from getting frizzy
with all the humidity.

Oh, we need to get some meat
in you, pronto.

Tom's always on guard
against the homosexual agenda.

No offense.

You're a great cook, Tom.

Well, I always say
a man's gotta be self-sufficient.

I agree. All I need is booze,
satellite TV and a housekeeper...

...and I could survive in a cave.

You know, if it were air conditioned.

- I gotta ask you something, Charlie.
- Okay, I admit it.

I slept with your daughter.

But don't worry,
I'm still gonna marry her.

Damn straight you are.

Which brings me to my question.

When a man's your age
and he's never married...'s usually one of two reasons.

- One...
- He's really lucky. Heh, heh.

You're right, not funny, go on.

What I'm trying to say is...

...when a man gets to be 40 and he isn't
married, he's either a rascal or a poof.

- Interesting.
- So?

- So, what?
- So which one are you?

- Uh, actually, there's a third choice.
- What's that?

Well, sometimes it takes a while
for a man to meet his soul mate... I finally met your daughter.
- Soul mate?

- Yep.
- So poof.

Just kidding. Ha-ha-ha.

- How are my two favorite fellas doing?
- We're just fine, princess.

I cleaned the grill
and now I'm giving your beau a grilling.

Stick a fork in me
because I think I'm done.

Sorry, my dad's always been
a little overprotective.

Well, I have to be.

When it comes to men,
you've always had a rotten picker.

No offense.
I'm sure you're the exception.

I'm glad you're sure.

- Why don't you see how Mom's doing?
- Oh. Good idea.

She's jet-lagged and still pretty
wound up over having a colored pilot.

What can I say?

"Mommy and Daddy
are horrible bigots"?

But they're my parents
and I gotta love them, right?

You're asking the wrong guy.

Look at them, though.

Forty-two years together
and they're still best friends.

Well, let's face it,
who else would have them?

At least they don't lie to each other.

Okay, I get it.
I lied about the colonoscopy.

Trust me, I've been punished enough.

If our marriage is gonna last,
we have to commit... always be honest with each other.

You have my word.

You've given me your word before.

Well, then, you'd be silly to take it again,
wouldn't you? Ha, ha.

What? I'm being honest.

So how are you liking Los Angeles?

Well, the weather's lovely.

Oh, it is, isn't it?

What we don't care for
are the freeways and Mexicans.

Yeah, yeah, they do get congested.

I think it's all the cheese
they cook with.

How's everybody getting along
out here?

Everything's fine, dear.

Remember what we talked about.
No politics, religion or what have you.

You don't have to tell me twice.
I'm not a Polack.

Hey, Charlie, when we drove in,
I noticed a tavern down the road.

How about you and I go out for a drink?
Get to know each other a little better.

Uh, sure, I guess. Although
if you're on the fence about me now...

...alcohol isn't gonna really improve
my chances.

I think it's a terrific idea.
You boys have fun.

All right. I'm buying.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Where are you going?
- He said he's buying.

Who would've thought the best part of
my day would be having a colonoscopy?

To my future son-in-law.
Down the hatch.

Considering my day,
it'd be more like up the hatch.


So, Alan,
Chelsea tells me you're a chiropractor.

I imagine you give a great back rub.

Uh, I do,
but there's a lot more involved than that.

I like back rubs.

But I need strong hands on me.

Martha's got these little parrot claws,
can't get deep in the muscle.

Let me see what you go.

Oh. No calluses.
I prefer the feel of calluses.

If you wanna see calluses,
check the inside of his right palm.

Look at that.
You don't see that where I come from.

Oh, come on, heh, there's no gay people
where you live?

Of course there are,
but they got their own bar.

Little place called The Log Cabin. On
Forrester Street. Right next to the A&W.

Amazing that people in California
can behave that way in public.

- We kind of believe in "live and let live."
- Oh, that's baloney.

I believe in the sanctity of the family,
marriage between a man and a woman.

But damn, those fellas do look happy.

Probably because in California
they can't get married.

Really, really happy.

- I know what that is.
Down the hatch.

Looks like my future father-in-law
has made some new friends.

Yeah. I'm a little confused.

Do you really want...

I don't think you're the only one.

Do you really wanna make me cry?

Whoa, I love that song.

I hit it out of the park
on karaoke night at the VFW.

Chelsea didn't tell me you're a vet.

Yeah, Navy. Submarine Corps.

Ohh... Six-month tours
under the polar icecap.

Nothing to do but lift weights,
shoot the bull...

...and enjoy the company
of other men.

- Six months with just men?
- Not just men.

Young men. Hard men.

And the hardest of them all was
Edward Boynton, Seaman Third Class.

And my best pal.

1966. We were in the Philippines
for a week of R&R...

...and we bought matching shirts.

Of course you did.

I remember one night,
it was real hot and humid.

I can still see the wet silk
clinging to his magnificent body.

- Did you see this coming?
- Unh-unh.

Then after we did our hitch,
we both went our separate ways... married, raised kids.

We exchange Christmas cards
and family photos every year.

Terrific. Great, great.
Okay. Why don't we drink up and go home?

He's still in great shape.

Sixty-five years old
and solid as a rock.

He lives in Valencia.

Hey, how far is that from here?

Not so far.
Right next to Magic Mountain.

It's far, Alan. Real far.

Right, right, it's far.

Let's get you home
to your lovely wife.

She means well,
but she doesn't understand me.

Well, you're obviously
a complicated man.

Come on, we got a big day tomorrow.

Universal Studios,
then Grauman's Chinese Theater.

I wanna go to Valencia.

- We'll pencil it in. See if we have time.
- I wanna go now. I wanna see Ed.

Yeah, but Ed is probably asleep.
You know, with his wife.

- Wanna know a secret?
- No, that's okay.

Don't ask, don't tell.
That's our philosophy.

I brought my silk shirt and a VHS copy
of Ice Station Zebra just in case. But shh!

You know who was great in that movie?
Rock Hudson.

Shut up.

You guys have fun?

Oh, yeah.

- My dad's really something, isn't he?
- Uh-huh.

Kind of a man's man.

You could say that.

I'm telling you, Martha,
I can't live this lie anymore.

You're drunk. Now come to bed.

It's a bed of lies.

I love Edward Boynton
and he loves me.

- What the hell is happening?
- I don't know.

But I have a feeling your dad's
going to Magic Mountain tomorrow.

- Hey.
- You get your mom on the plane okay?

- Yeah.
- How's she doing?

Pretty shook up.

It's not every day your husband tells you
he's leaving you for a 65-year-old man.

What bothers her more?
That her marriage is over...

...or that her ex-husband is now
promoting the homosexual agenda.

I'm not in the mood, Charlie.

- You took my dad to the hotel?
- Yeah, yeah.

And I met this Edward Boynton
he's been talking about.

- Nice guy.
- Oh, yeah?

Black guy.

- Really?
- Can I be the one to tell your mom?

I'm gonna go lay down.

- Hey, Chels?
- What?

Given everything that's gone down
with your dad, I'm off the hook...

...on the whole "lying to you
about the colonoscopy" thing, right?


Isn't it nice when things work out?