Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 1 - 818-jklpuzo - full transcript

NARRATOR:
Previously on Two and a Half Men:

- So how's Charlie doing?
- Oh, he's fine. Actually, he's engaged.

You told her I was engaged?
Why would you do that?

Charlie, there's a woman named Mia
on the phone.

I'll take it.

WOMAN:
Hi, Charlie.

Mia.

- So how are you?
- Great. How are you?

- Fine, fine.
- Still engaged.

Come, sit, join us.

- Are you sure I'm not interrupting?
- No, no, of course not.



Yeah, his fianc?e just left.

- Sorry I missed her.
- She's in the parking lot. I'll get her.

So, what's going on with you these days?
You still dancing?

I'm a little old for ballet now.

Oh, that can't be right.
You look great.

Young and vibrant and taut.

You know who else has a great body?
Charlie's fianc?e.

In fact,
Charlie calls her "boobalicious."

I'm really happy you found somebody.

Thank you. She's great.
Really, really great.

Boobalicious.

If you're not dancing,
what are you up to?

I'm trying for a singing career.

No kidding. That's terrific.



- You know who's a wonderful singer?
- Charlie's fianc?e?

Actually I was gonna say
Ms. Celine Dion.

I have no idea about Chelsea.

Although she does have
a set of lungs on her.

Right.

Listen, I'm putting together
a demo of some songs.

Any chance you could help me
with arrangements, maybe play piano?

Oh, wow. That sounds like fun.

It's just, you know,
kind of awkward because, you know...

He's getting married.

- I can find you somebody else.
- Terrific.

- Let me give you my number.
- You still at 696-336-725?

Yeah. I can't believe you remember it.

Well, I have a little memory trick.

You change the numbers to letters,
it spells out "oxofempal."

Oh, good trick.

I should get going.
Wonderful to see you again.

Same here.

- You too, Alan.
- Bye-bye.

- Charlie?
- Yeah.

I've missed you.

"Oxofempal"?

Hot! Hot! Hot! Aah!

You have to dial 1 first.

Hey, Berta,
what do you know about Percocet?

Three of them
with a Mickey's Big Mouth...

...can make you run buck-naked
through a Taco Bell.

Why do you ask?

Mom says Grandma Lenore
can't hold the new baby...

...until she stops popping them.

That's probably a good idea.

You drop one kid,
you gain a reputation as a kid-dropper.

So how do you like
having a new baby sister?

Well, she eats, she sleeps, she poops.
So far, I'm not impressed.

Give her a bad haircut
and she'd be you.

Excuse me,
but I paid 9 bucks for this haircut.

Sorry.

Besides, the baby doesn't look
anything like me.

In fact, she doesn't look
like my mom or my stepdad, either.

Who does she look like?

Kind of like
a girl version of my dad.

I thought your dad
was the girl version of your dad.

I'm telling you, Charlie,
this is a bad idea.

What's the big deal?
I'm just gonna find her a piano player.

I saw the way you looked at her.

You say piano player,
but you mean organist.

That's ridiculous.
I'm engaged to Chelsea.

I'm living with Chelsea.
I'm in love with Chelsea.

- What's Chelsea's phone number?
- What?

What does it spell?
Your little memory trick.

Oh, uh...

It's "jklpuzo."

Really? Okay, let's test it out.

Is that 818-JKLPUZO...

...or 310-JKLPUZO?

All right, I made it up.

I don't have to call Chelsea,
she lives here.

You don't have to call Mia, either.

Oh, yeah?
Well, what about you and Melissa?

What does that
have to do with anything?

Nothing. I'm changing the subject
to your peccadilloes.

You were banging Melissa
in the storage closet...

...while your ex-wife was giving birth.

- We don't know she's my daughter.
JAKE: Who's your daughter?

[IMITATING AL PACINO]
You're my daughter, I'm your daughter...

...this whole court is out of daughter!

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Al Pacino. It's a great movie.

[IMITATES PACINO]
Hoo-ah!

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
See that one?

That was close.

Good thing he's slow.

Yeah, well, Judith's mom dropped him
when he was a baby.

[BOTH PANTING]

Wow.

Yeah.

What brought that on?

You're the one
who started talking dirty.

All I said was, "What'd you do today?"

There you go again, you nasty girl.

Okay, seriously.

What did you do today?

Nothing. Just a regular day.

Had coffee with you,
hung out with Alan a little bit...

...then came home, had a drink,
took a nap...

...next thing I know you're walking
in the front door with your whore talk.

All right, whatever.

- Oh, yeah, there was one other thing.
- Really.

Yeah. I ran into an old buddy.

- What's her name?
- Her? Why do you assume it's a her?

When you've seen your old guy friends,
you don't try to hump me into a coma.

Fair point. It was Mia.

- Mia, the old buddy you almost married?
- Yeah.

- And?
- And nothing.

She did ask me if I'd help her out
with this music thing she's doing.

- But I said no.
- How come?

I thought it'd be inappropriate.

- Why? You still have feelings for her?
- No, no, of course not.

- Then why wouldn't you help her out?
- What?

I mean, if she's just a friend,
then why would it be inappropriate?

Okay.

Uh... No reason.

- So you're saying I should help her out?
- Unless you still have feelings for her.

I guess I'll help her.

- Good.
- Good.

Or bad.

Probably bad.

I'm gonna go with bad.

MELISSA:
Hi, Charlie.

We were having a moonlight skinny-dip
in the ocean.

Good thinking.
Nothing more romantic...

...than seaweed hanging
from a cold, shriveled penis.

There's no seaweed.

Oh, my!

- Don't put it on the table!
- Sorry.

Alan, what do you say
we take a hot shower...

...and unshrink the Snuffleupagus?

He'll be fine, it's Bert and Ernie
I'm worried about.

I think Bert has ascended to my rib cage.
Go ahead. I'll be right there.

- Okey-doke.
- Okay.

Hey, can I ask you something?

I am not gonna help you
find your missing testicle.

- No, it's about Melissa.
- What about her?

Now that we're seeing
each other again...

...the fact that she lives with her mom
presents a problem.

Why, because you tickled
Mom's Elmo?

It was just light necking.
I never touched her Elmo.

Anyway, since you've set the precedent
of having girlfriends move in here...

...I was wondering if maybe...
- No.

- Why not? You let Chelsea move in.
- It's my house. You are a guest.

By "guest" I mean
"leech I tolerate until our mother dies...

...and she can't lay a guilt trip on me
for kicking you to the curb."

You're gonna kick me out
when Mom dies?

You're planning on being here
until Mom dies?

Okay, we're getting off-subject.

- What about Jake? You let Jake move in.
- You're not helping your case here.

- But I'm just saying I ca...
- I said, no!

Hm. Hey, Bert, welcome back.

[PLAYING PIANO]

[SINGING]
You'll never find

As long as you live

Someone who loves you

Tender like I do

You'll never find

No matter where you search

Someone who cares about you

The way I do

Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, baby

'Cause I'm the one who loves you
And there's no one else

No one else

That's a pretty mouth,
but it ain't made for singing.

- What's it made for?
- Eating.

Oh.

I thought maybe she meant oral sex.

You're gonna miss my lovin'

You're gonna miss, miss, miss my love

So?

Wow.

- You wanna run it again?
- I don't.

I mean, there's a danger
of over-rehearsing it.

Yeah. Plus, I kind of nailed it, right?

I don't see it getting any better.

That is so sweet, Charlie.
Thank you.

I don't know
how I'd do this without you.

Hey, I don't deserve any credit.

God gave you that voice.
I had nothing to do with it.

- Oh, hello.
- Oh, hey, hi.

There she is.
Chelsea, this is Mia. Mia, this is Chelsea.

- Hi.
MIA: Hi.

- We were just rehearsing.
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

What? No, there's nothing to interrupt.
She's singing, and I'm playing piano.

Alan, Berta and Jake are in the kitchen.
Guys, Chelsea's home.

ALL:
Hey.

- I should get going.
- Good.

I mean, you don't have to, but good.
Rehearsal was good.

You've got yourself a terrific guy here.

- I know. Nice to meet you.
- You too.

- I'll see you Saturday at the studio?
CHARLIE: You bet.

[SINGING]
You'll never find...

No, no. Save your voice.

Yikes.

So how'd it go?

Well, um, how can I put this?

She's the picture you stick
on the cover of an album...

...by a fat girl who can actually sing.

That's not what I mean.
Were there any, you know, sparks?

No. No sparks.

Why would there be sparks?

I'm with you. We're engaged.
We're gonna be married.

You and me, that's the sparks...

...baby.

Relax, Charlie, I trust you.

Okay, lady,
you're really starting to piss me off.

Thanks for seeing me
on such short notice.

No problem, Charlie, just as long as
you're willing to pay my weekend rates.

You've got weekend rates?

Yep, and you probably
don't wanna waste time haggling.

Now, what's the big emergency?

Well, you might not think
it's a big emergency, but trust me, it is.

Okay.

I'm really constipated.

You do realize
which end of the body I specialize in.

I know, I know.
I'm not here for an enema.

Good, because that couch
isn't Scotchgarded.

I'm thinking it's psychosomatic...

...because I've tried coffee, fiber,
laxatives...

...and something my housekeeper said
was a suppository...

...but I now suspect
was a practical joke.

All right.
So psychosomatic constipation.

Good name for a rock band, huh?

Weekend rates, Charlie.

What's been going on? How are things
with you and your fianc?e?

Great. She lives with me, we're planning
the wedding, couldn't be better.

Good. And how's work?

Well, it's been pretty slow,
but thankfully the house is paid off...

...my pension is funded,
and I've given up prostitutes.

All I need is drinking money.
What's that, a couple grand a month?

That sounds about right.

And, hey, do you remember Mia?

Your ex-fianc?e, the dancer?

Wow, you remember.

I'm not sitting here sketching ponies,
Charlie.

Anyway, I ran into her.

- Really? And how'd that go?
- Fine. Fine.

She looks great, she's single again,
told me she missed me.

- Uh-huh.
- I always dig that.

She asked me if I could help her
with this music project...

...and I said no.

But Chelsea said if I didn't have
feelings for her, why not do it...

...so I did it.
- Interesting.

- When did all this happen?
- Three, four day ago.

And how long
have you been constipated?

I don't know, three, four days.

You think there's a connection?

I'm leaning that way.

You obviously still have
feelings for Mia...

...and yet you're committed
to Chelsea.

It's an emotional conflict,
and until you resolve that conflict...

...you're going to be physically blocked.
- English, please.

As soon as you pick one,
you can go two.

- What happens if I can't pick?
- I don't know. C-section?

Anyway, she said
I have to resolve the conflict...

...because my emotions are connected
to my lower intestine.

That makes sense.

You think with your penis
and your head's up your ass.

[GRUNTS]

The baby just kicked.

Baby?

Well, it's not technically a baby,
but we know it's gonna look like you.

- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey.

- What's she still doing here?
- She went away and she came back.

- She's not moving in, Alan.
- Of course not. You said no, it's no.

- We're out of milk. I'll run to the market.
- Okay.

She likes milk.

How are you gonna resolve
your conflict?

I'm not sure.
I may have to sleep with Mia.

What?

Okay, here's the deal.

[CHARLIE GRUNTS]

If I back out of the recording session...

...Chelsea will think I still have feelings.
- All right.

If I spend any more time with Mia
without sleeping with her...

...l'm gonna split like a roasted pistachio
and nobody wants that.

Charlie, cheating on Chelsea
makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

That's what I thought,
but my shrink was pretty adamant.

Just promise if anything happens to me,
you'll raise it as your own.

["POLK SALAD ANNIE"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[SINGING]
Down in Louisiana

Where the alligators grow so mean

Lived a girl that I swear to the world

Made the alligators look tame

Polk Salad Annie

I know, I know.
It's hard to believe I'm not banging her.

Then why are we here?

She's an old friend
and I'm helping her out.

You really wanna help her out?
Sneak up behind her with a big rock.

[CHARLIE GRUNTING]

- Detox?
- No. Constipated.

Because you're detoxing?

- Can we just do this?
- Fine.

'Cause your mama was workin'
On the chain gang

Polk

Salad

That one felt really good.

Okay, help me understand something.
You're hoping to bang her, right?

Can I hear a little?

Sure, play it back.

["POLK SALAD ANNIE"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

MIA [ON RECORDING]:
Down in Louisiana

- That's me?
- That's you.

Wow.

I had no idea I was so good.

Oh, Charlie, I'm so happy.

Oh, well, if you're happy, I'm happy.

- Why did I ever let you go?
- Lf I recall, you had a list of reasons.

Well, I was wrong.

How can I make it up to you?

Uh, how do you wanna
make it up to me?

[WHISPERS]

Wow.

There it is.

Let's do this last track
and then we can go back to my place.

Maybe we could sweeten her vocals
with some reverb...

...a little echo, lay guitar over it.

We could lay car horns
and barking dogs over it. Won't help.

I'm ready.

- Just relax and feel the groove, okay?
- I got it.

Okay, this is "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy,"
take one.

["BOOGIE WOOGIE BUGLE BOY"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

He was a famous trumpet man
From out Chicago way

He had a boogie style
That no one else could play

Whoo, he was the top man at his craft

And then his number came up
And he was gone with the draft

He's in the Army now
Blowin' reveille

He's the boogie-woogie bugle boy
Of Company B

Okay, Mia, hold it a sec.

- Is something wrong?
- Yeah, kind of.

You can't sing.

- What?
- You've got no talent.

I'm sorry,
but we're both wasting our time here.

I love Chelsea, I'm gonna marry her,
and I can't see you anymore.

Are you kidding?
You can't just walk out on me, you...

[TURNS MICROPHONE OFF]

- Where's the bathroom?
- Down the hall.

- Thanks.
- No, thank you.

[TURNS MICROPHONE ON]

- Should have known this would happen,
you lowlife son of a bitch!

The lowlife son of a bitch is gone...

...but I think you have a real gift
and we should work together.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Ah, you might wanna give it a minute.

You were in there with your guitar?

Well, you never know
when inspiration might strike.

That's called
"Two Burritos and a Root Beer Float."

[PLAYING ELECTRIC GUITAR]

Hey, how's the intestines?

Clean as a whistle.

It's the city's problem now.

[BERTA LAUGHING]

Yeah, ha, ha, very funny.

What was in that so-called suppository
you gave me, anyway?

Half a tab of Alka-Seltzer
crushed up in a gelcap.

Oh. Well, that explains the foam.

- I'm off to work.
- Have a good day, sweetie.

- I'll be home around 6:30.
- Okay.

- Alan?
- She's not living here.

Just checking.

And he calls me stupid.

[ENGLISH - US - SDH]