Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 8 - Pinocchio's Mouth - full transcript

- Morning.
- Morning.

Charlie, please don't start anything.

Too late. I woke up started.

I have to get to work.

Okay, I've got a job for you.

We'll finish this tonight.

I may have to finish this myself.

Knock yourself out.

It's no fun if you have permission.

So, Charlie,
I was thinking maybe tonight

we could stay at my place.



No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Charlie?

I'm sorry, did you say something?

I said maybe tonight we
could stay at my place.

You want to play on my face?

Stay at my place.

What about it?

I've been coming here
for the past three weeks,

and it's like an hour
drive for me to get to work.

Well, I'd be happy
to spring for a cab.

It's not the drive, you idiot.

You just said it was the drive.

What I mean is if we're gonna
see each other on a regular basis,

there should be some give and take.



Based on last night, we're pretty even
Steven in the give-and-take department.

And if I recall correctly,
you're up one "take."

Hey, of the two of us, I'm
the one with tennis elbow.

So what about tonight?

I'd love to, but it
might be a little tricky.

Why?

Oh, I knew she'd ask me that.

I'm starting to get the feeling that you only want
to see me at your place and at your convenience.

No, of course not.

Well, then fine, you'll
stay at my place tonight.

Sounds great.

Lookin' forward to it.

So what do you want to do this weekend?

Doesn't matter, just as long
as you and I are together.

What did you do?

I didn't do anything.

Why would you even ask me that?

I'm guessing he either robbed a
liquor store or killed a drifter.

Do I need to call your
mother and ask her?

If you want to, but you know
how she pushes your buttons.

I'll take that chance.

Fine, I don't care.

All right, all right! I got
thrown off the school bus.

You got the spine of a gummy bear.

Why were you thrown off the bus?

Well, actually, it's a funny story.

Amuse me.

Have you ever heard of
this thing called mooning?

Yeah. Yeah, it rings a bell.

The bus was going past
the girls' track team

and a bunch of us thought
it'd be funny to moon them.

See,she gets it.

Berta.

Sorry. I'm just remembering my prom.

So what happened?

Well,I was working near
the high school that night,

and I thought it would be
fun to drive the backhoe...

No. Not you. Him.

Well. Excuse me for sharing.

What happened?

Well, it sounds like
Berta had quite a prom.

You're skating on thin ice,Jake.

Boy, that's something we haven't
done in a long time-skating.

Jake!

Mom grounded me for two weeks.

Why didn't your mother
tell me about this?

I promised I'd tell you.

What can I say? She believed me.

So how about a movie?
A little father-son bonding.

No,no. No movies.

- Skating?
- No skating.

Fine.

Also no TV, no video games,

no cell phones,
and no iPods-

nothing that gives you
any amusement or enjoyment.

Couldn't you just smack me with
a belt and get it over with?

Get out of here.

I'm bored.

Oh, man.

What's the matter?

Did you know that Culver City is
all the way down near the airport?

Yes.

That's gotta be like
45 minutes from here.

If there's no traffic.

Traffic?

Is this Culver City place popular?

Not particularly, but there
are other people with cars

living lives completely
separate from your own.

Oh,right. I hate those people.

"So what's in Culver City?," he asked,
knowing the only possible answer.

Can you believe she wants me to schlep
all the way over to her place just

so we can spend the night together?

Aw, you poor guy.

You have to drive 45
minutes to get laid.

And 45 minutes to get back.

That's 90 minutes behind the
wheel for 20, 30 minutes behind...

Well, I don't need to draw you a map.

You're breaking my heart.

And it's not just that.

She said there's only street parking.

Which means trees.

And trees have that,
you know, toxic syrup

that drips out of them
and gets all over your car.

- Sap.
- If I make that drive, I am.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You always said that it was
better to go to the woman's house

so that you could make a quick getaway.

Yeah, for one-nighters that's fine.

But this girl, I care about.

We've been seeing each
other for almost a month.

And yet you just found
out where she lives.

There's a difference between
caring and stalking,Alan.

Hey, Dad, I need my laptop.

- What for?
- Homework.

What homework?

Um... Damn,you're good.

Thanks for driving all
the way over here, Charlie.

Are you kidding?

I would've walked here if I had to.

Probably would've been
faster with the traffic.

Good night.

What are you doing?

I heard a car door.

Your Mercedes is fine,Charlie.

I know, I know.
Just double-checking.

Probably gonna get sap
all over the car cover.

Isn't that what it's for?

You don't get it. That's fine.

No TV in the bedroom, huh?

It's in the living room.

You just got the one?

How many do I need?

Well, you've got three
rooms and a bath, so... four.

If you want to go watch television
instead of cuddling, that's up to you.

No, no, I'd much rather cuddle.

At my house, we could do both.

You know, cuddling and Sportscenter.

Good night, Charlie.

Sweet dreams.

What now?

Nothing. I'm just used to sleeping
on the other side of the bed.

Yeah, so?

So I usually sleep on my left side,

which faces me towards
the edge of the mattress.

But here, I'm facing the back
of your head- which is fine;

there are certainly times when I
enjoy seeing it from that angle-

but, you know, when I'm trying to
sleep, it's a little disconcerting.

Well, I'm sorry, but this is my side.

But you sleep on the
other side at my house.

Because it's your
house; this is my house.

But I'm a guest.

And I'm the guest at your house.

- That's different.
- How?

- Give me a minute.
- Good night, Charlie.

Boy, you're being pretty inflexible.

Oh, you think I'minflexible.

Well, not physically,

but you got to admit in this
regard, you're a little stubborn.

Good night, Charlie.

Okay. Good night.

How about this?

If we switch sides and
an armed intruder came in,

I could leap up and protect you.

But this way, you're pretty much
guaranteed to catch the first bullet.

What if he comes through the window?

Oh,great.

Now I'm never gonna get to sleep.

Jake?

You'd better not be watching TV.

Maybe he's upstairs.

It's like trying to sleep
in the freaking jungle.

- What's going on?
- Nothing, nothing.

I was going to the bathroom,
and I stepped on a cat.

You don't have to sneak out.
If you want to leave, leave.

Whoa, I'd say someone woke up
on the wrong side of the bed.

But I don't want to revisit that topic.

Good-bye, Charlie.

Gee,you sound kind of angry.

Why would I be angry?

Just because I drive to
Malibu every night for a month,

and you won't stay
even one night with me?

Well, that and, you know,
possibly crippling your cat.

Go home, Charlie.

Are you sure?

I'm begging you.

Okay, if that's what you want.

So tomorrow at my place?

You make love like a woman,
but you throw like a man.

Jake?

Why are you sleeping out here?

I was, um... camping?

Okay, well, as long as
you're not watching TV.

Stupid birds.

Hey, how'd it go last night?

I couldn't do it, Alan.
I tried, but I couldn't.

Oh, well, that happens
to all men occasionally.

Especially when you get to be our age.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about how
I'm so set in my ways,

I couldn't spend one
night in a strange house.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

I mean, there was a time
when I could sleep anywhere:

couches, floors, witness
boxes, police cars, jail cells.

That's not sleeping. That's passing out.

I'm not gonna argue semantics with you.

The point is I was really
uncomfortable over there.

Even if I could have gotten to sleep,

the morning would have been a disaster.

How so?

Think about it.

After I had my morning coffee,

where would I go to do my business?

Oh, right, you always want to have
home-field advantage for that.

She's got one of those
wooden toilet seats.

It would've been like
sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.

You ever wonder about people
who can poop in a gas station?

What is wrong with them?

What about Porta-Potties?

Those aren't people. Those are animals.

I'd rather go in the trunk of my car.

I have.

You've gone in the trunk of your car?

No,yours.

That was you?!

I convinced myself a
coyote had gotten in there.

What the hell are you doing?!

Playing "Smoke On the Water."

With your tongue?

Pretty cool, huh?

No, that is not cool.
It's disgusting.

Alan,get in here!

What now?

Your kid's licking my piano.

Jake,don't lick your uncle's piano.

I'm bored.

Go read a book.

I don't want to read a book.

Then go lick a book.

How long is this whole
grounding thing gonna go on for?

Two weeks.

Two weeks?

Charlie, he stuck his ass out a bus
window at the girls' track team.

That's what you're punishing him for?

When you were his age, you
mooned the girls' choir.

No, when I was his age, you pantsed
me in front of the girls' choir.

Oh, right.

Well, either way,
you made the yearbook.

Berta, I'm leaving.

Hang on!

Where you going?

I talked Chelsea into giving me another
chance to spend the night at her place.

Here's your overnight bag.

Thank you.

All that's for one night?

One night and one morning
business meeting with Pinocchio.

I got your flip-flops for the shower,

your personal bath towel,
hand towel and washcloth,

your hand soap,
face soap and shampoo.

Great.

One handheld TV, your
goose-down pillow,

Egyptian cotton pillowcase and sheets

and a ziplock baggie of your
special blend French roast coffee.

Terrific.

One jar of seedless
raspberry jam,a mild laxative

and one roll of quilted
toilet paper with lanolin.

Okay.

Culver City, here I come.

- He ain't gonna make it.
- Not a chance.

You know, I have never once seen
him eat seedless raspberry jam.

That's because you've never applied
a thin layer to your hindquarters.

I'm so glad you decided this
was important to you, Charlie.

Well, you'reimportant to me.

What are you doing?

I brought my sheets.

You wanna grab the other side?

What's wrong with my sheets?

Nothing, nothing.
But mine are better.

Egyptian cotton.
Like, eight-million thread count.

And good news.

I solved the wrong-side-
of-the-bed situation.

Okay...

I'll just sleep with my head down there.

That way,
I'm facing the right way.

But then your feet will be in my face.

Way ahead of you.

Peppermint foot lotion.

You'll think you're
sleepin' in Candyland.

Oh,before I forget.

Toilet paper?

Don't get your hopes up, but
I'm gonna make the effort.

Hey, Jake?

You out here?

Seen my kid?

What the hell?

Can I have some privacy, please?

Get out of the tub. Out of the tub.

Fine.

You're unbelievable.
Is TV that important to you?

Do you really have to ask?

Go to your room.

Fine, but check out Uncle
Charlie's toilet seat. It heats up.

Just go!

Can I have this raspberry jam?

Don't touch the jam!

Toasty.

If only I could poop at night.

Maybe I'll just pee girly style.

Charlie...

What?

This isn't working for me.

My feet too minty?

It's not your feet.

Well,itisyour feet, but
it's also the sheets,

the pillows, the towels
the TV, the electric toothbrush.

It's not a toothbrush.

It's an ultrasonic dental appliance.

It's probably got more
vibrations per minute

than that plastic egg you
keep in your nightstand.

That's right.

I do have one of those.

Go home.

But I want to spend the night here.

No, no, I made a mistake.

From now on, we'll stay at your place.

Oh, okay. Your call.

I'm nothing if not flexible.

You really should put
a bell on that thing.

Hello, Mr. Bed.

I'll be with you in a minute

after I pay my respects
to Professor Toilet.

Hello.