Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 7 - Best H.O. Money Can Buy - full transcript

Alan and Judith start seeing each other again after Judith's breakup with Herb, Herb continues to turn to Charlie for help picking up women, and Charlie messes with Jake by threatening to get him sent to military school.

Previously on Two and a Half Men:

Wait, Judith threw Herb out? When?

Apparently about a week ago.

Of course you can't compete hard body
to hard body, but you're still desirable.

You think so?


Oh, Alan. You're a good man.

And I'm never gonna let you go again.



- I thought you'd be happy.
- I thought so too.

I mean, come on, you had the woman
who took all your money...

...and threw you out of your house
naked and crouched on the sofa.

There was no sofa, it was the divan in her
bedroom and I was doing the crouching.

Why were you...?

Never mind, I don't wanna know.

The point is, you won.

You had a perfect night of revenge sex.

That's the fourth best kind of sex
you can have.

Fourth? What are the other...?

Never mind, I don't wanna know.

Charlie, the problem is
that now that Judith and Herb are over...

...she thinks that we're...

- back to square one
in dealing with the PTA Carnival.


The... The school carnival
that we use to, uh, raise money for...

[WHISPERS] I don't want Jake to know
about me and Judith...

- Lscariot.

Judith Iscariot. Who sold out our Lord
for 30 pieces of silver.

What are you talking about?

Oh, I was just, uh, telling your uncle...

...about this, uh... This great, uh, cartoon.

Uh, Daffy Duck
and the Greatest Story Ever Told.

Sounds lame.

Classic Warner Bros. Animation.


Boy, you really suck at this.


Thing is, I'm not sure
I wanna be back with Judith.

Well, let's look at the pros and cons.

The pros are, if you move out,
I'll have an empty guest...

- Rootin-est, tootin-est apostle
in all of Jerusalem.

Gethsemane Sam.

- What?
- Or how about Barabbas Bunny?


"Eh, what's up, Pontius?"

If Berta finds out, she'll want your room
and I don't need a live-in maid.

- Oh, don't worry, I'm not leaving.
- Oh, good, because I was worried.

Look, I have already been married
to Judith and we...

- We... We...
- We should send Jake to military school?


Oh, oh. Uh, yeah.
Charlie, he wasn't supposed to hear that.

- I'm going to military school?
- Uh, if you don't shape up, yeah.

And it's not gonna be our military, either.

I don't wanna go to any military school.

- Then you better get to your homework.
- Okay, okay.

- Extortion.
- So simple.

Who knew?

If the kid's going to military school,
I'll take his room.

- No, no, Berta, you misunderstood.
- He's not going to military school?

JAKE: I'm not going to military school?
- You are going to military school.

He's not going to military school.

Okay, then. I'll take Zippy's room
when he moves back to Judith.

For God's sake,
does she hear everything?

Some things I just infer.

- the inside slot, okay?

Try to get Number 1
the ball over the middle.


- Get me another beer, would you?
- Why can't you get it yourself?


This is beautiful.


Hey, Judith. What's shaking?

Mom, I'll be good.
Don't send me to military school!

Where's that beer, maggot?

Nothing. Nothing.
Just a little game we're playing.

So anyway, Judy,
what's new in your little world?

Hang on, I'll see if he's here.

[WHISPERING] Oh, no, no.
I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm out.

Sorry, he's not here.

Oh, wait, he just walked in.

- Why?
- [WHISPERING] Why not?

Hey, Judith, I was just about to call you.

Yeah. Uh, yeah, hold on a sec.
Let me... Let me get some privacy.

- What are they talking about?
- Nothing important.

I'm gonna miss you, buddy.


- Where's Jake?
- Washing my car.

Then he's gonna clean the garage.

We should've thought of this years ago.

I know, I'm kicking myself.

Okay, I won't be late.

- Hot date with the ex?
- Oh, no. Nothing hot about it.

I'm gonna tell her that the other night
was a one-time thing...

...and I don't see we have a future.

But me you see a future with?

I finished the garage.

- You sure?
- Yeah.


Let me look again.

- More wine?
- I'd better not. I have to drive.

Have some more wine.

Oh, uh, maybe a splash.

Oh, oh, my.


I, uh, hope this is a good driving wine.

- Oh, that... That feels good.
- I'm glad.

Have you been working out?

Oh, just the Bowflex.

I, uh, had to give up my gym membership
so I could get my tooth filled.

Well, whatever you're doing, it's working.
A lot of definition here.

Oh, oh, that would be this one.

- Oh, yeah. There it is.
- Yeah, yeah.

So would you like some dessert?

Oh, oh. Don't go to any trouble.

Oh, it's no trouble, sweetie.
I like taking care of you.

And I like being taken care of.


Wake up, wake up.


Uh, listen, Judith...

...l've been thinking about you and me.
- Me too.

Oh, oh. Oh, good.

Even though the other night was wonderful
and all, I think it might be better if we...

...tried slowing things down a bit.
- I agree.

- You do?
- Of course.

- I'm barely out of my marriage to Herb.
- True, true.

Here, careful. Hot pudding.

So, uh, you'll get the divorce
and then we'll see where we are.

- That sounds great.
- Well, good. I'm, uh...

I'm glad we're on the same page.


Hot. Hot. Hot.

- Hot.
- I told you it was hot.

- Hot, hot, hot!
- Here. Have some more wine.

- That's better, that's better.
- I'll get your spoon.


Oh, God. Oh, pudding.

MAN [ON TV]: So when the moment's right
and she's ready, you'll be ready too.

Side effects include nausea, headaches,
dry mouth, dizziness...

... anal leakage, kidney failure
and massive stroke.

She'd better be ready
to call an ambulance.


- Hey.
- Hey.

- Is Jake asleep?
- Probably not.

After dinner I made him watch
Full Metal Jacket and Deer Hunter.

Oh, Charlie.

And how was your evening?

It was really a lot of fun.

You know,
I'd forgotten how nice she can be.


- Who else would I be talking about?
- I don't know, somebody actually nice.

What was the name
of Jimmy Carter's wife?

- Rosalynn?
- She was nice.

I always got a good vibe off her.

Are you drunk?

Define drunk.

You rather I talk to you in the morning?

No, no. The liquor makes you
more interesting. Go on.

Judith's changed, Charlie.
She's... She's a different woman.

Different than the one who threw you out
of the house with your nuts in a to-go bag?

That's a little graphic, don't you think?

I'm an artist, Alan. I paint with words.

You're a lush, Charlie.
You paint with vomit.

My point is that Judith
has become a warm, nurturing woman.

You nailed her again, didn't you?


No, no, that was just...
Just the one time.

Tonight, we did not have sex.


Really? Judith?

I know. I had to keep peeking
to make sure it was her.

Well, congratulations.

- So when are you gonna move back in?
- Ahh, it's... We're not there yet.

Oh, come on, why wait?

We could load up the car
and drive over there tonight.

You promised if I shaped up
I wouldn't have to go!

Aren't you starting to feel guilty
about misleading him?

Yeah, I guess.

Tell you what, after he finishes
cleaning the deck tomorrow...

...let's really send him to military school.

- How's it going?
- Almost done.

What about the railing?

It's getting dark. I won't finish in time.

No problem. I'll give you a hand.

Gee, thanks.

- You back-talking me, soldier?
- No.

No, what?

No way?

- No, sir.
- Right. No, sir.

That's better.

I don't know but I've been told

Screwing with Jughead never gets old

Okay, don't wait up. Heh, heh.

Hey, Alan.

The chimney's a little blocked up
with leaves and crap, and I thought...

...if I tied a rope around the kid,
I could lower him down into it...

Charlie, that borders on child abuse.

So it's okay?

His waist, not his neck.

- Good night, Jake.
- Goodnight, Dad. I love you.

- Oh, Herb, hi.
- Hey, Alan.

- Charlie.
- Hey, Herb. What's up?

On my way to the Sand Dollar.
Maybe you and Alan would like to join me.

It's ladies' night.

What do you say, Alan?
You can get in for half price.

Plus, all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp.

Wow, just keeps getting better, huh?

Uh, no, l... I have other plans.

Oh, got a date?

Yeah, Alan, you got a date?

No, no. A date? Pfft!

Not likely, ha-ha-ha.

No, I have a meeting with the, uh, thing
about the... About the group.

I told you. Remember?

No, tell me again.

He's a little pickled.


Uh, well, if you must know...


...uh... l... I belong to a book club
that I am going to.

Oh, that's right.

What book are you reading again?

Lt... It... It's a mystery.

Uh, called
Why Are You Doing This to Me?

Oh, yeah.

It's by the same guy who wrote
Because It Amuses Me.

Boy, I wouldn't have had you two
pegged as readers.

Well, there you go. Good night.

- Hey, Alan?
- Yeah?

- You talk much to Judith?
- Nope. See you.

Oh, well, if you speak to her,
tell her I say hi.

- Okay.
- And that...

...the time we spent together
is very special to me...

...and if she needs anything,
uh, just call me.

I'm there.

You know what's a good book?

Under the Dining-Room Table
by Richard Gobbler.

But... But it does not compare to...

...Wait Till Your Liver Fails by Hope Udai.

Well, what do you say, Charlie, huh?
Me and you?

Go down to the Sand Dollar,
have a few drinks.

And who knows,
maybe meet a couple of nice gals.

Sure, why not?

And if the pickings are slim, you could
wrangle up some of your prostitute friends.

Oh, boy. Prostitutes and popcorn shrimp.

All you can eat.

Okay, Herb, let me explain to you
something about hookers.

Oh, man. Who's been feeding
the seagulls blueberries?

- Here you go.
- Oh, cr?me br?l?e.




Oops, I dropped my spoon.



You know, l... I ran into Herb today.



Well, he came by the house.

Why would he come by your house?

L... I just think he's lonely.
He misses you.

Well, too bad.

So you don't miss him?



We gonna spend all night talking about Herb
or do you want me to get my spoon?

Well, if you're gonna bark at me,
there's no point in getting your spoon.

I'm not barking at you, I'm... Uh.

You're right, I'm sorry.

I'm right and you're sorry?


Let's not waste the night arguing when
we could spend it doing anything you want.




Can you say I'm right again?

Jeez, Herb, you live here?
This is really depressing.

You should see it during the day.
You'd wanna hang yourself.

Well, ladies, welcome to Casa de Herb.

That's Spanish for House of Herb.

- Just open the door.
- Hold on.

I'll trade you the lounge lizard
for the jolly green jackass.

- I hope you gals like trains.
- Slow down, buddy.

It's just the two of us.

All aboard!

I bet you thought
this was gonna be weird.

Pretty nice, huh?
Best HO money can buy.

You don't have to spell it, Herb.
They know what they are.

So shall we get this party started?


Would you like a snack
or a cold beverage?

Um, Herb, while there is a social stigma
to this transaction...

...the big plus is these girls
don't require any wining and dining.

They just wanna do the deed then
get as far away from us as they can.


Not even a Snapple?

They're not thirsty, Herb.

And you're paying them by the hour.

Well, okay.

Well, I guess we should
just, uh, go to the bedroom and, uh...


- Don't make me do this, Charlie.
- What are you talking about?

- This was your idea.
- I don't care.

I'm not like you. I can't lay with whores.

No offense.

Where are you going?

I love my wife! I want her back!

All aboard?


Sweetie? Uh, you're humming again.

Sorry. Don't know the words.


Um, okay, uh... Could you please
not open your mouth so wide?

Better now?

Uh, yeah, it's fine. Just, uh...

...can you not talk in my mouth?

Wow, ha, ha. More rules than
a public pool around here, ha, ha.

They're not rules. It's just, uh,
I know what I like and you're not doing it.

- All right, fine. What do you like, Judith?
- I have to tell you?

- No, no. Let me guess and get yelled at.
- Nobody's yelling at you.

- I'm not your mother.
- Oh, you're right.

My mother can emasculate me
without raising her voice.

Oh, God, I can't do this.

- Do what?
- I can't be with you again.

I was afraid of being 40 years old
and all by myself...

...but dying alone has gotta be better
than being stuck with you.

Now you're starting to sound
like my mother.


Judith! I love you! Please take me back!

Oh, boy, this is awkward.

Coming, darling!

Get out of here.

Oh, uh, just so we're clear,
we've decided to see other people?

Get out!

Thanks for the ride, girls.

And for bringing me home.

I've been working on the railroad

All the livelong day

Dinah, won't you blow
Dinah, won't you blow, Di...

- Hey, Alan.
- Hey.

Mind if I join you?

It's your house.

Oh, yeah.

Excuse me. Pardon me, hot soup.

What the hell?

Well, that's a little embarrassing.

What is that?

A railroad-crossing sign.

Sorry, I need more.

I was having sex on a train set.

How else do you get a crossing sign
stuck to your ass?

Of course.

Hey, it could've been worse.

I could've had a caboose in my caboose.


Oh, come on, that's funny.


What happened when Herb showed up
at Judith's house?

- How did you know about that?
- Lucky guess.


She kicked me out again, Charlie.

I had to sneak out her back door
while she threw herself into Herb's arms.


- What's so funny?
- You said back door.

It reminds me of my caboose joke.

Good night.

I'm here all week.

Tip your waitresses.

Hey, Mom? It's Charlie.

Yeah, I know it's late. Listen.

Do you think this is funny?

Huh. Must've got disconnected.

Hey, Jake. You sleeping?


- Doorbell.
- Doorbell!


- Oh. Oh, hi. Thanks for bringing him over.
- Oh, no problem.

- Hey, guess what?
- Herb, why don't we let Jake tell him.

- Uh, tell me what?
- Jake?

My grades aren't good enough
for military school, so ha, ha.

No, sweetheart, the other thing.

Oh, I'm gonna have
a little brother or sister.

You're... You're pregnant?

Yes, Alan.
Herb and I are going to have a baby.


Try to keep this one
away from the lead paint.

Did you hear that, Alan?

They've only been back together six weeks
and they're gonna have a baby.

I heard.

- Come in, we'll pop a bottle of champagne.
- Aah, champagne.

Uh, no. We really should be going.
Come on, Herb.

- Goodbye.
- Oh, shoot.

What a remarkable coincidence.

Yeah, coincidence.

- You okay?
- No.

Come on, let's sit you down.

Yeah. Let's sit me down.

Here you go, buddy.

Here I go.

What's wrong with him?

He's doing math in his head.

Oh, yeah, that's a bitch.