Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 6 - It's Always Nazi Week - full transcript

Oh, hey, Alan.

Jake, your dad's here.

So, how's it going?

All good.

Good.

You?
Good.

Well, good.

Yeah, good.

Gooood.

Well, I, uh, I see you
put in a new mailbox.

Oh, yeah, the old one
was pretty shoddy.



Whoever put it in didn't
anchor the pole correctly.

That would be me.

Oh, sorry.

The mailman was complaining
about the wiggle.

Herb, the mailman's a pothead.

Yeah, I know. I caught him
eating my tomato plants.

Anyway, I just decided
to replace the whole thing.

Yeah, I see it, uh,
it now says "The Melnicks."

Well, I paid for the mailbox.

I get my mail there.

My name's Melnick...

Yeah, I... I get it.

I mean, what does it
say on your mailbox?

Charlie Harper.



Oh.

Jake!

No need to yell.
He's in the bathroom.

Big surprise, eh?

He's either shoveling it in
or shooting it out.

Yeah, he's a regular Play-Doh
fun factory.

Just go make sure he hasn't
fallen asleep in there again.

Yes, dear.

So, how's everything?

Fine.

Listen, Alan, I've been thinking
now that Jake's a teenager,

he'd benefit from spending
some more time with his dad.

Oh, oh, that would be great.

Nothing would make me happier

than to spending more time
with my son.

Good.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, hey, buddy.

All finished
in the bathroom?

For now.

You should've
seen the last one.

It looked like
a question mark.

Terrific.

And it came out of my colon.

Get it?

Hilarious.

Commas are easy.

Go.

Um, so, uh, what are we
talking about here?

You know, an extra day or two
every other week?

Actually, I was thinking more
like a solid three months.

In a row?

Alan, how many sons do you have?

As many as you do.

Look, do you want
your kid or not?

Of course, but... well, I'll
have to clear it with Charlie,

and... and there is
the financial issue.

What financial issue?

Well, if he's going
to be living with me,

I'm thinking I should
get a sizeable break

on the child support.

Well, you're certainly entitled
to your opinion.

Well, thank you.

Wait a minute.

Three months in a row?!

Come on.
It'll be fun.
For who?

All he does is eat, sleep
and clog up the toilets.

Shh!

Let's talk
about this later.

Oh, please, chowderhead
can't hear us.

Right, chowderhead?

See?

Oh, just admit it:
you love having him around.

I love having him around because
I always know he's leaving.

Don't take the leaving part
away from me, Alan.

Let's just give it a chance.

See how it works.

That's what Poland said
about the Germans.

Been watching
the History Channel again?

It's Nazi week.

It's always Nazi week.

Look, tell you what,

why don't I take you and Jake
out to dinner tonight?

Can we get chili burgers?

Two And A Half Men S06E06 - It's Always Nazi Week

Transcipt : YYETS

So, numbnuts...

Any thoughts as to why your mom
dumped you off on us?

Charlie.

Oh, like you're not curious.

No! No, I'm not curious.

She just thought
it would be a good idea

for him to spend more time
with his father.

Yeah, and I'm trying
to save girls

a long ride home on the freeway.

So what's your theory, Alfalfa?

I think you're just pretending
to be considerate

so you can have sex with them.

No, no, I mean
about your mother and Herb.

Oh.

They are fighting a lot.

They're fighting?

Yep.

31.

31?

It's what you get when you add
24 and seven.

You know, they're fighting
all the time.

24/7.

31.

I'm not gonna make it
three months, Alan.

You're gonna be fine.

They're fighting
in front of you?

They don't think
they're fighting in front of me

'cause sometimes when
I wear the headphones,

I turn the music off.

And you figured that out
all by yourself?

Hey, you may think I'm dumb,
but you overestimate me.

My mistake.

So what are they arguing about?

Well, she doesn't
like his parents,

he doesn't like her spending,
and something about sex.

What about sex?

That's when I turn the music
back on, you sick freak.

Sorry.

I mean, that's my mother.

I said I'm sorry.

Man, I'm not gonna make it
three months.

Oh, great, now he's got
the moral high ground.

Forget about that.

The important thing is,

Judith and Herb are having
marital problems.

Why does that make you happy?

Well, it's not happiness
exactly.

It's just that, you know,

all these years
she's been blaming me

for the failure of our marriage,
and now...

Yeah, I guess happiness
pretty much sums it up.

* Men. *

Hey, what's this I hear

about Little Lord Skidmark
coming to live here full time?

Oh, it's just for a few weeks.

I'm sure
if we all pull together,

you'll hardly even notice
he's here.

Yeah, pull this.

Charlie!

You and me gotta
have a conversation.

Nice talking to you.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Alan.
Oh, hey, Herb.

Judith asked me to drop
this stuff off for Jake.

Oh, let me help you.

Thanks.

So, what have you two lovebirds
got planned

for the next few months?

Second honeymoon?

No, not exactly.

Hard to believe you're coming up
on your second anniversary.

Yep. Hard to believe.

Two years.

Time flies
when you're having fun, eh?

I wouldn't know.

Hey, Herb.

Hey, Charlie.

You ask him about his marriage
going down the crapper?

I was easing into it.

So was I.

What's the problem, Herb?

Is it in the bedroom?

It usually starts
in the bedroom.

That's still my mother,
you sick freak!

We usually wait till
he puts on headphones

before we discuss
these things.

Gee, Herb, something
you should know

about the headphones is...

Shh, shh!
Don't spoil it.

So what's the deal?
Is it sex?

No.

Well, yeah, but...
it's no big deal.

I mean every marriage
has an ebb and flow to it.

Of course.
Sure. Sure.

Right now Judith and I
are kind of ebbing.

A lot.

31.

Right.

31.

I don't know
what's happening, man.

We can't seem
to communicate anymore.

She constantly
finds fault with me.

I don't know
what to do.

I'll tell you
what to do.

What my testicle-challenged
brother should have done.

As soon as
she starts complaining,

you put your foot down.

Let her know who's in charge.

And no matter what, do not
let her use sex as a weapon.

You let her know that if she
won't satisfy your needs,

there's plenty of women
out there who will.

Really?

Why would I lie?

Women like Judith respond to
strength and confidence, not...

well, that.

Oh, you make a compelling case.

Damn right I do.

Now go claim what's yours.

I believe I will.

Thanks, Charlie.

I'm here for you, big guy.

Why did you do that?

I get bored.

* Men. *

Hey.
Hey.

Why aren't you in school?

I'm sick.

Sick?

Relax, I'm just faking
to get out of a math test.

Oh, okay, good.

You scared me.

What's with the staple gun?

Oh, the sole's coming
off my shoe.

Ah.

You might want
to take it off first.

Good call.

Morning.

(staple gun clacking)

It's none of my business,
but that's one kid

who can't afford to miss
a single day of school.

(staple gun clacking)

Yeah, like school's
gonna make a difference.

(staple gun clacking)
JAKE:
Ow! Crap!

I stapled my fingers together.

You got a point.

* Men. *

Come on, honey. Blow.

(blowing nose)

(muffled):
What's he got?

A cold, I think.

Then why didn't you
leave him at home?

That way, we all don't
have to get sick.

(coughing)

And that's why
you should always
take your shoes

to a fully qualified,
professional cobbler.

You know what's good?
Apple cobbler.

What's the damage, doc?

Will he play
the violin again?

He'll be fine.

You might wanna keep him away
from staple guns.

Right.

Also nail guns,
glue guns,

pretty much anything
with "gun" in it.

Got it.
Thanks, Herb.

Hey, Charlie, could I talk
for you a sec?

Why don't you go wait
for me in the car?

Gimme the keys.

I'm not giving you the keys.

Then how am I gonna wait
in the car?

Wait by the car.

I don't have sunscreen on.
I'm very fair-skinned.

Then wait under the car.

What's up?

Well, remember that advice
you gave me

about how
to handle Judith?

Oh, gee, Herb,
that wasn't so much advice

as, you know, social satire.

Well, it worked
out great.

Really?

She bought
that king-of-the-castle crap?

No, no, she kicked my ass out.

But the thing is,
talking with you

and seeing how you live,

I'm convinced
I'm better off single.

Is that so?

Oh, yeah. I mean,
why chew on one chicken wing

when you can eat
from the whole bucket?

Just so there's no confusion.

Chicken wings are...?

Women, Charlie.

I was offering up a metaphor.

And you went with wings
rather than breasts and thighs.

Ooh, that is better.

Anyway, I was thinking maybe
you and I can go out sometime

and get a party pack.

Sex with strange women.

I'm extending the metaphor.

Of course.
Sure, let's do that sometime.

Thanks again for
sewing up the kid.

So, uh, what color
do you like?

Excuse me?

Oh, I-I was thinking Asian,
but I'll take the green.

* Men. *

Hey, Dad..

Oh, hey.
How are you feeling?

Fine.

Throat's not sore anymore?

(coughs)
Oh, yeah, a little.

What happened to your fingers?

Oh, I stapled 'em together.

Ah.

Hey, hey, we do not leave
our shoes on the...

What the hell?

We need to get rid
of the staple gun.

Alan, staple guns don't staple
shoes to coffee tables.

Idiots do.

Why are you taking
your temperature?

I think some little snot locker
gave me smallpox.

(phone rings)

Oh, man, leave me alone.

Is that Mom?

You think maybe I might want
to talk to her?

Do you?

Of course not.
It's the principle.

Well, that wasn't Mom.
It was Herb.

Why is Herb calling?

Since Judith
threw him out,

he wants me to help
him pick up women.

Wait.
Backupbackupbackupbackup
backupbackup!

Wait. Judith threw Herb out?
When?

I don't know.
Apparently, about a week ago.

Oh, my God.

That's terrible.

Judith must be
devastated.

Alan.

Yeah?

You got a little evil
on your face.

Other side.

* Men. *

Oh, Judith, that's terrible.

You must be devastated.

You must be devastated.

What are
you doing here?

Oh, I'm sorry to bother you.

Apparently, Jake left
his Social Studies book,

so here I am.

I think I saw it
in the bathroom.

Why?
Was he out of toilet paper?

Wouldn't it be great
if he could learn that way?

You know, assmosis.

What?

Nothing.

Is Herb around?

Uh, no.

Oh. Oh, too bad.

Why?

No reason.

I just enjoy seeing
the big galoot.

Well, the galoot is not here.

Oh. Well, uh...

tell him I said hi.

I will.

(sobbing)

Herb moved out!

Our marriage is over!

Oh, Judith, that's terrible.

You must be devastated.

* Men. *

What exactly do
you have in mind?

Give me your hand.

Okay.

Do I feel warm to you?

Dude!

Aw, crap.

So, uh, you fishing here or can
I throw my bobber in the water?

Bye.

How'd you know I was here?

Well, I tried calling,

but your phone
must be broken,

so I went by your house
and Jake said you went out.

All I had to do
was punch "liquor"

into the ol' in-dash
navigation system,

and three stops
later, voila.

So, uh, they
biting tonight?

can we stop
with the fish talk?

Believe me, it's not
gonna lead anyplace good.

Back to the chickens?

If we must.

I'll have what he's having.

I'm having a tall
Pain in the Ass.

Sounds good.

Does it have rum in it?

How did this happen?

How did I blow
another marriage?

Oh, sweetie, you can't
blame yourself.

Although you are the
common denominator.

Alan, I'm 40 years old.

How am I ever gonna
start over again?

I know, I know.

And soon you're gonna be 41.

Do you have any idea
what it's like

to try and date
when all the men your age

are only interested in
25-year-old hard bodies?

Well, you can't blame us.

Of course, you can't compete
hard body to hard body,

but you're still
a very desirable woman.

You think so?

Well, of course I do.

For your age,
you're a very...

Hey, Charlie, I've got
a question for you.

Yeah.

The hotel I'm staying in
has pay-per-view adult movies.

Uh-huh?

Whatever happened
to pubic hair?

Gone the way of the dodo bird,
my friend.

I mean, I can understand
with the ladies,

but what's the deal
with the fellas?

It's like with
an ugly house.

A little shrubbery
helps the curb appeal.

I don't have an answer
for you, Herb.

What about you?

Do you trim the old hedges?

Yeah. They're shaped
like Disney characters.

Two more vodka tonics.

Cock-a-doodle-do.

Hello.

Hello.

Allow me to
introduce myself.

Dr. Herbert Melnick.

Ooh, a doctor.

Dr. Charlie Harper.

Wow, two doctors.

Maybe we should
let them examine us.

(both giggle)

In the interest
of full disclosure,

I should let you know
that I'm new to the dating world

and still have all
my original pubic hair.

Oh, Alan, why did
I ever let you go?

Well, if I recall,

it was something about me
sucking the life out of you.

I was wrong.
I was so wrong.

You are a good man
and I'm never gonna
let you go again.

Never?

Never.

Never ever?

Morning.

Morning.

What was Herb
doing here?

Oh, he, uh...

(rock music blaring)

(music stops playing)

He shaved his pubes
and passed out in your room.

You might want to change
the blade in your razor.

Thank you.

Where were you
all night?

I was in Never Ever Land.

Um...

do I want to know?

I took away the staple gun,
but he found the superglue.