Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 23 - Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth - full transcript

Charlie is angry when Alan and Chelsea become good friends, until he figures out how to use the situation to his advantage.

And how are you this morning, Danny?

Well, I didn't sleep very
well last night, Alan.

I had nightmares.



I dreamed I ate a
five-pound marshmallow.

A five-pound marshmallow?

Yeah, and when I woke
up, my pillow was gone.

Pillow was gone. Pillow.

Tillow. Pil... tillow.

- Alan?
- Yeah?

You're starting to
scare the crap out of me.

Oh, oh, this? This is,
uh, just a new hobby.

Charlie, say hello to Danny O'Day.

Howdy-do, Charlie.

That's not a hobby.
That's a cry for help.

Oh, come on, Charlie, play along.

So, Charlie, how did
you sleep last night?

With a woman, Alan.

Something you need to do
before this gets out of hand.

He's got a stick where
I've got your hand.

Did you ask him if he wants
to go to the movies with us?

- No.
- Why not?

Because he's a ticking time bomb and we don't
want to be in the car with him when he goes off.

Come on, he's breaking my heart.

Staying home all alone
on a Friday night.

Don't worry.

You know how they say you
can be alone but not lonely?


Well, Alan's kind of the opposite.

He's always lonely but he's never alone.

He's going through a tough time.

Your brother should be
surrounded by friends and family.

My brother should be
surrounded by a SWAT team.

Please? For me?

Chelsea, we agreed that you
only get one of those a month.

Are you sure you want
to waste it on Alan?

Thanks for letting
me tag along with you.

This is really sweet.

We're thrilled you could
join us. Right, Charlie?

Yippee skippy.

- So have we picked a movie yet?
- Nope.

Would you like to see La Poubelle
et le Fromage at the Nuart?

Would I?

Who you calling "wood eye"?

Big ears.

Now, Danny, watch your mouth.

Why? Yours is the one that's moving.

Yippee skippy.

If she goes back to him after what
he's done, I will never forgive her.

She loves him.

What choice does she have?

Oh, she can return to her
husband, the cheese maker.

Listen, I'm going to hit the head.

Let me know if any kind
of a plot ever kicks in.

He's not coming back, is he?

They sell beer in the lobby?

- Yes.
- No.

You're up early for a Saturday morning.

Hence the

Chelsea, it's 7:30. We
got to get a move on.

Oh, God, that's right. I forgot.

Give me a w minutes to get dressed.

No problem. I'll wait
for you downstairs.

What's going on?

Your brother and I are
going to the farmers market.

Since when?

We made plans last night.

Last night when?

In the movie theater, while you
were sitting in the lobby drinking.

Well, I wasn't going to go sit
in the car with that scary dummy.

I like mustard, and pickles,

and ketchup, and mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise.

You and me need to talk.

Howdy-do, Charlie.

Get that ugly thing out of my face.

That's what she said.

Oh, Danny. Danny, you're horrible.

My hand to God, Alan, I will wrap that
dummy with meat and throw him in the ocean.

Don't forget the mayonnaise.

I'm okay.

Why are you taking Chelsea
to that farmers thing?

Is there a problem?

Yeah, there's a problem!
You're ruining my Saturday.

I'm sorry. Did you
have plans for the day?

Damn right I had plans.

First, I was going to have
sex with Chelsea. And then...

Well, then I was going
to go back to sleep.

Well, you can still go back to sleep.

Yeah, but without sex,
it's a restless sleep.

Fine, fine, I'll just go by myself.

No, no, if you go without
her now, then I'm the bad guy.

So what do you want me to do?

In the future, I want you to try to be more
sensitive and considerate to other people's needs.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to join Chelsea
in the shower and try to knock out a quick one.

Oh, Danny...

Sometimes he can be such a pig.

Well, you know what happens to pigs.

They get slaught...

Danny, don't say it.
Don't even think it.


- What are you looking at?
- Nothin'.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were spending the
weekend with your mom and Herb.

Yeah, I was supposed to, but Mom's
got all those pregnancy hormones going.

What did you do?

One little fat joke.

Took it badly, eh?

Well, here I am.

Where's Dad?

He went out with Chelsea.

You mean like a date?

No, no, not a date.

Good, 'cause that'd be weird.


I saw something like that
on Jerry Springer once.

Two brothers, one
girl - it got ugly.

I'm sure it did.

So what's Dad's dummy doing here?

He pissed off his mother.

Hey, I did that, too.

Okay, please take this
kettle corn away from me.

I can feel it going right to my behind.

Oh, stop it. I wish my
tush was as small as yours.

Okay, first of all, you
have a perfect heinie.

And secondly, if you're worried about firmness,
the secret is isometric glute crunches.

- Really?
- Yeah, you can do them anywhere, anytime.

I'm doing them right now. See?

Mailbox open, mailbox closed.

Mailbox open, mailbox closed.

Come on, try it with me.

Mailbox open, mailbox closed.

Mailbox open, mailbox closed.

Mailbox open, mailbox...

You know, just once I'd like to walk
in this room and not be freaked out.

Alan was just showing
me his butt exercises.

Have him show you the one where he sticks
his head up there. That's my favorite.

Stop it. Now, go away,
we're making dinner.

It's kind of like a
Kegel exercise, isn't it?

Exactly. Except with
the tush, not the hoo-ha.

What up, homes?

What are you doing?

Enjoying the sunset, waiting on dinner.

You're staying for dinner?

I wasn't gonna, but your lovely
fianc\e and her new gal pal insisted.

Yeah, I've got to put a stop to that.

What are you, nuts?

This is the perfect tup for you.

How do you figure?

Do you like to go shopping?

- No.
- Zippy does.

Do you like to watch chick flicks?

- No.
- Zippy does.

Do you like to talk for
hours about your feelings?

- No.
- Zippy do.

Oh, right.

He digs the trench, you lay the pipe.

How could I not see this?

Alan's not the competition.
He's her gay friend.

There you go. Your life is perfect.

- It is, isn't it?
- Yeah.

- Now, be an angel and get me another beer.
- Absolutely.

Jiminy, I'm drunk.

Oh, I ha to do this to you.

Uh, but using the existing "S"
in the top row, with R-E before it

and I-Z-I-N-G
after it,

hitting two triple word
scores, and it's a bingo.

Resizing. 120 points.

Oh, my God. You play
for blood, don't you?

Let me tell you something, Chelsea.

When it comes to Scrabble, nice guys
finish with a rack full of tiles.

What do you mean it's not a word?

I mean it's not a word. Try again.

Charlie horny.

Another glass of wine?

I would love one.

Now? But Alan and I
are playing Scrabble.

Well, I'm playing Scrabble.
I don't know what she's doing.

I'm improving, is what I'm
doing. I want a rematch.

Good night, Alan.

But I just poured wine.

Oh, thanks.

And thanks for being such
a good friend to Chelsea.

You don't have to thank me. I like
her, and we've got a lot in common.

Yeah, whatever - just keep it
up, and I'll try to do the same.

Kind of ruined the night.

He's using you.

I know, but what am I going to do?

You could... kill him.

Now, Danny, I-I could never do that.

Don't worry, Alan. I can do it for you.


Morning. Hope you're
hungry - I made pancakes.

Oh, I'm starving. Can I help?

Uh, sure, slice up some
bananas and warmp the syrup.

- I'm on it.
- Sleep well?

Yeah. I mean, when your brother
finally let me go to sleep.

- Can I tell you a little secret?
- Sure.

He's the best lover I've ever had.

Oh, isn't that nice.

Yeah, it's great, but sometimes
he doesn't know when to quit.

- Have you tried pepper spray?
- No.

But every once in a while, I actually have to
give him a little smack on theop of his head.

Yeah, I have the same problem
with Jake when he eats spaghetti.

I mean, obviously not the same problem.

Jake's head is usually over here.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not
complaining, but it can be exhausting.

I can imagine. Have you
given Charlie enough attaboys?


You know, like when
you're training a dog.

If you don't give them a lot of hugs and a treat
every now and then, they're gonna chew up your rug.

I mean, not your rug.

Hey, how are those bananas coming?

- Morning.
- Morning.

- How'd you sleep?
- Good.

- When you finally let me.
- Hush.

Alan's making pancakes.
Can I pour you some coffee?

I would love that.

Good morning, Mrs. Butterworth.

Lakers-Spurs today.

Charlie, you promised we'd
go to the Van Gogh exhibit.

- I did?
- Yes.

Wow, I don't remember that.

You got to quit hitting
me on the head so much.

Yeah, I have heard that exhibit
is supposed to be terrific.

I've been dying to see it.

Really? Then why don't we all go?

I can't. I promised
Jake we'd do something.

Bring him along.

What 14-year-old boy doesn't
love a fine art museum?

I think that's a great idea,
Alan. You and Jake come with us.

Well, if you don't
think we'd be intruding.

No. No, not at all.

Okay, great.

Well, save me some pancakes.

I'm going to jump in
the shower and get ready.

Hurry! I want to get to the
museum before it's too crowded.

All right, here's the deal.

You're gonna have to go
to the museum without me.


- I am about to get an acute case
of intestinal distress. - What?

You know... the flapjack two-step.

But there's nothing
wrong with my pancakes.

No, they're delightful.

But the Lakers are playing the
Spurs, and I'm not gonna miss it.

So what? So you're just gonna
use me to entertain your fianc\e

while you stay home and
watch a basketball game?

Good. We're on the same page.

Hey, did you ever stop to think
that maybe I've got plans of my own?

That I've got a life? That I'm
not always at your beck and call?


You know, Berta, I thought when Alan
moved in here I was being punished.

You and me both.

But come to find out, it was a blessing.

With him in my life, I think I can actually
make my relationship with Chelsea work.

So you're really gonna go
through with this marriage?

Absolutely. I'm ready
for the whole shebang.

Kids, too?

Well, it's certainly in the cards.

Of course, I'd have to talk it
over with Chelsea and Alan first.

Wow, marriage and kids. I
can't believe what I'm hearing.

What can I say, Berta?

He completes me.

One second.

- He's hilarious.
- Who?

Your brother.

Let me just tell him
we'll talk tomorrow.

- He is out of control.
- What now?

Hang on.

Don't let him chew up the rug.

- What does that mean?
- Nothing.

Why would I chew up a rug?

Not a rug, my... never mind.

Okay, where were we?

We were just about...

I'm sure he just wants
to say "good night."

I'm sorry. Let me just
make sure he's okay.

Is he okay?

- Yeah.
- Good, good.

Hey, I'm thirsty. Are you thirsty?

- No.
- Be right back.

- Hurry.
- Don't worry. This won't take but a minute.

Oh, Charlie...

Your penis is no match
for my technology.

Okay. I know what you're
doing, now quit it.

What I'm doing? Whatever do you mean?

You're text-blocking me.

Hey, I can't help it if Chelsea
finds me witty and urbane.

Keep it up and she's going to
find you bloody and homeless.

You don't scare me, Charlie.

You need me to keep
Chelsea off your back.

That may be true, but I don't need him!

Wait, just let him go, Charlie.

This is just between you and me.

Not anymore.

Don't you dare hurt him!

Well, now, that's entirely up to you.

His tiny, wooden head is in your hands.



- Just let him go!
- No!


What the hell are you doing?


- Nothing.
- Nothing.

You should be ashamed of yourself!
That's no way for a grown man to behave!

He started it!

I don't care who started it!

You're the older brother.
You set the example.

Really? Then maybe I should move out...

Boy, there really going at it.

Yeah. I'm glad we never fight.

Me, too, Danny.

'Cause you don't ever
want to make me angry.

know, Danny.