Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 22 - Sir Lancelot's Litter Box - full transcript

Oh, come on, Chelsea.

Is this about money?

'Cause I'd be happy to pay
the lease on your apartment.

It's not about money, you ass.

I just think it's ridiculous that
we're engaged and not living together.

Well, excuse me for being old-fashioned, I'm
just not comfortable with us living in sin.

So you think we should stop having sex?

No, no, no, it's not the sin I
object to, it's the living in it.

Charlie,there is no reason for me to renew the
lease on my apartment when I'm here every night.

And I love having you
here every night...

You going to eat your pickle?



Yes, I'm going to eat my pickle.

But you're almost done with your sandwich,
and your pickle's just sitting there.

I like to eat it last.

How very European of you.

- Here's another pickle.
- Shut up.

Oh, you are just so full of it!

Give me one good reason why
I shouldn't be living here.

I can give you several.

This ought to be good.

Go ahead.

- Oh,you mean right now?
- Dance, monkey, dance.

Okay. Well, there's the safety issue.

You should keep your apartment for the same reason
that airplanes are equipped with oxygen masks,

and cruise ships have life rafts.



You know, if theTitanic had enough life rafts,
Leonardo and Kate would've lived happily ever after.

Oops.

You're comparing our
relationship to theTitanic?

But P.S., that was a very romantic movie.
Thanks for making me watch it again.

He's still swinging.
The kid's got heart.

Where are you going?

- Home!
- See?

You just proved my point.

Where would you go right now if
you didn't have your own apartment?

I suppose you all
enjoyed listening to that.

- Beg pardon?
- I enjoyed it.

Can't sleep, huh?

No.

This Chelsea-moving-in
thing is really bugging me.

Why are you up?

Well, I realized you were out here drinking yourself
into a miserable stupor over this whole situation and...

I just want to be a part of that.

Thanks.

I hate to say it, but I
think Chelsea might be right.

You don't hate to say it.

Oh, did I say I hate to say it?

I meant I can't wait to say it.

But I did admire how you ferociously
defended an unwinnable position

by comparing your
relationship to theTitanic.

That was beautiful.

Oh,come on, who remembers the
names of boats that don't sink?

Sure, sure. I couldn't give you a
zeppelin other than theHindenburg.

Still, it was not your finest moment.

There was a time it would've worked.

Yeah, back when you were
dating silicone simpletons.

Unfortunately, Chelsea is
too smart for your crap.

Yeah.

And there's not an ounce
of silicone in those babies.

Shoot. I owe Berta five bucks.

Uh,b-but more to the point, why are
you so afraid to have her move in?

I'm not afraid of her
moving in, that's easy.

Moving her out's the bitch.

So,you're already assuming
you're going to break up?

Oh,come on, what evidence is there to
suggest that it'll end any other way?

Well, I think she's capable
of a long-term commitment.

And you, you could... change.

You don't believe that.

No, I was just trying to be supportive.

Well, you're not doing a very good job.

I'm not trying very hard.

Let me ask you a question.

What did you think was gonna happen
when you and Chelsea got married?

Honestly, I never thought that far ahead.

I figured we could stretch the engagement thing
out for a couple of years, and by then, who knows.

Maybe I'd die, maybe she'd get fat.

Well, kudos to you for not
bringing that up in the argument.

It wasn't easy.

You know what you have to do, don't you?

I don't have to do anything, Alan.

If not living together
is a deal breaker,

then she's free to break off the
engagement and go on her merry way.

She most certainly is.

So you know what you have to do.

Yes, I know what I have to do.

Are you done torturing me?

Yeah, almost.

I'm the king of the world!

Okay, now I'm done.

Here.

What's this?

Alan's house key.

Why?

'Cause I want you to move in, and I
didn't have time to make a new one.

Plus, he kind of pissed
me off last night.

- You want me to move in?
- Yes.

I thought about it, and you were right.

Which is not to say
I was wrong, but, uh...

Okay, I was wrong.

You're sure you want me to move in?

Absolutely not.

But I figure what the hell.

I mean, it's gonna happen
sooner or later, right?

Oh, shut up.

Come on in,I'll make some coffee.

What's all this?

Let's just say I had faith in you.

Those go upstairs in the master bedroom.

Careful, they're fragile.

Okay, you and me need to talk.

I know. I know. You
didn't sign up for this.

You work for me, not for her, and it's bad enough
you have to put up with Zippy and the chimp.

No. I like her better than you,so
from now on I'm working for her.

What?

You need something, you ask
her, she talks to me, we decide.

I don't get a vote?

Yeah, you get a vote.
One vote out of three.

Good luck with that.

Oh, boy.

You like it?

Oh,boy!

Don't the colors just
liven the place up?

Well...

Oh,boy!

Come on,I want to show you
what I did in the bathroom.

Oh, boy.

What do you think?

I don't know.

I have this sudden urge
to pee sitting down.

You like the new towels?

I guess.

What was wrong with the old ones?

They didn't match my shower curtain.

What was wrong withmyshower curtain?

Didn't match your towels.

Maybe that's how I tell them apart.

Oh,oh, please tell me that's
one of those Zen sand gardens.

You know very well that's
Sir Lancelot's litter box.

You brought the cat?

Of course I brought the cat. What
did you think I was gonna do with him?

I don't know. Return him to the wild?

You're being ridiculous.

Is it ridiculous to want the
turds in my bathroom to be human?

Fine, we'll put it in the laundry room.

Near my clean clothes? Forget it.

So where am I supposed to put it?

Oh,I don't think you really want
me to tell you where to put it.

I'm just saying it's too much!

Pillows, towels, shower curtains, cat crap!

I don't like it, I don't
need it, I don't want it!

What do you want me to
do, Charlie? You want me to leave?

No, no, no! You just got here! I'll leave!

It'll make more room for
you and Sir Crapsalot!

Charlie!

- Get a good earful?
- No.

I did. And I don't appreciate
being called Sir Crapsalot.

Oh,good. For some reason,
I can't find my house key.

I hope you're happy with yourself.

Why would I start now?

How'd you find me?

Wasn't hard.

When you're not volunteering to read
stories to the elderly or feed the homeless,

you're usually here.

Sea breeze, extra pineapple.

I'm not cut out for this
living together stuff, Alan.

I mean, I tried, I really tried.

That's true. You gave it a whole, uh...

hour and 20 minutes.

Hey, now Berta owesmefive bucks.

Charlie, it's not really that
difficult to live with a woman.

Says the man who's
been thrown out twice.

I didn't say it wasn't hard for them.

Did you see the salt and pepper
shakers Chelsea put in the kitchen?

No.

They're like these foot-high ceramic roosters
with little S and P holes in their beaks.

Cute. I think I saw those in
the Williams-Sonoma catalog.

What am I freaking out about?

A woman's been living
with me for six years.

Cheap shot. Canned pineapple?

It's not just the salt shakers.

It's the fancy pillows on the bed,
the fruity towels in the bathroom,

and then there's the
clothes and the shoes.

Oh, my God, the shoes. She's
got almost as many as I do!

And lest we forget, she brought her
big, fat, pooping cat to live with us.

As opposed to what,
having it put to sleep?

I suggested letting it go.
I didn't even think of that.

The cat aside, you do know it was
wrong to storm out the way you did.

Of course I know. I'm
an ass, not an idiot.

One does not preclude the other.

You realize this has nothing to do with the
cat or the towels or the pillows, don't you?

Tell you what. Here's 20 bucks.

Don't tell me what it's really about.

Boy, you're putting me in
a tough spot here, Charlie.

- 40.
- Good night.

Nah, I care too much
about you two kids. Here.

Now, the reason you panicked is that...

This is just 20.

Is it? My mistake.

The reason you panicked and ran away is that
you recognize that the old Charlie is dying.

But what you have to understand is, he has
to die in order for a new Charlie to be born.

Well, that makes sense.

- Let me ask you a question.
- Of course.

Does the new Charlie
still have the old brother?

Absolutely, and he's here for you.

Man, I can't catch a break.

So, how pissed off was
Chelsea when I left?

It was pretty bad at first.

Did you really suggest that she do something
anatomically impossible with the kitty litter box?

I didn't suggest anything.

She may have inferred.

Well, regardless, I think I may have been
able to smooth it over for you a little bit.

Really? What'd you say?

Uh, I said you had the emotional maturity of a
nine year-old, and that she had to make allowances.

That's good. That's
good. Make it her fault.

So now all you have to do is go home,

admit that you're a frightened little man who
doesn't deserve her love, and beg for her forgiveness.

Groveling comes easy for you, doesn't it?

Not at first. I didn't really hit
my stride till my second marriage.

Oh, by the way, have you
seen my house key anywhere?

Nope.

Oh, Chelsea, I was such a fool.

Thank God my brother
talked some sense into me.

Oh, Charlie, I love your brother.

He's so smart and masculine, and yet, his
femine side makes him sensitive and intuitive.

You're right. I only tease
him 'cause I'm jealous.

And secretly gay.

Oh, hello.

Don't worry.

This ain't the most embarrassing
thing I ever walked in on you doing.

Oh, yeah. Thanks for not
making a big thing about that.

Right back at ya.

You know, I really should cut
down on the talking to myself.

Yes, you should. It's
getting a little weird.

Son of a bitch!

Can I say I'm sorry again,
or are you sick of it?

Say it again. Let's see.

I'm sorry.

Nope. Still fun.

And?

And... I'm a big, stupid jerk.

And?

And I'd really like to go upstairs
and finish this apology with my mouth.

Charlie, a moment?

Not now, Alan.

Uh, yeah, well, there's a bit of a situation,
and I'm afraid I'm gonna have to insist.

I'd better talk to him.

He's about to go full fruit fly.

What is your problem?

Well, I noticed you put a
lot of stuff in my room,

and I was wondering how
long it was gonna stay there.

I've been wondering the
same thing about you.

Come on, Charlie.

How am I supposed to live in that room if you
and Chelsea are gonna use it as a walk-in closet?

Tell you what.

I'll give you a break on the rent.

- I haven't been paying rent.
- There it is!

Fine. I'll manage somehow.

- Alan, wait.
- What?

- I need you to pull your car out of the garage.
- Why?

You don't expect Chelsea to
park on the street,do you?

So, I have to park on the street?

You don't have to.

You can park it at your place.

- I don't have a place.
- There it is!

You can leave your clicker
on the coffee table.

Wait, wait, Charlie, if
I don't have a clicker,

and I don't have a house key,
how am I supposed to get in?

There it is!

I don't have to pee.

I don't have to pee.

Damn it, I have to pee.

Son of a bitch.

Oh, ski poles!

Oh, good. A litter box.

This is delicious.

Sure is.

Glad you like it. There's plenty more.

Jake, would you pass me the chicken?

It's fish, Dad.

Hope you're not
allergic to Sir Lancelot.

I'll be fine as long as he
doesn't sleep on my face again.

He is a snuggler, isn't he?

Yeah. By the way, do you know if
anybody rented your old apartment yet?

Actually, somebody just scooped it up.

Why? Are you thinking of moving out?

Well, obviously, there's not
a lot of room for me here.

What's a place like that go for?

$1,800 a month.

On the other hand, it's
nice to be close to family.

Well, you got no shame at all, do you?

I assume that's a rhetorical question.

Where's Uncle Charlie?

Said he had some sort of meeting.

That means poker or strip club.

I'm sure it's poker.

Ooh, pizza.

Hey, Gordon, small world.

Hey, Mr. Harper. What are you doing here?

Oh, I just rented this place.

Decided I need a weekend getaway.

From Malibu?

You'd be surprised. It
gets crowded sometimes.

Okay.

What happened to that beautiful
woman that used to lived here?

She lives with me in
Malibu. We're engaged.

- And you're hanging out here all alone?
- Yup.

- You know what you are, Mr. Harper?
- What?

A genius.

- Thanks, Gordon. Good night.
- Good night.

It's nice when someone gets you.