Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 20 - Hello, I am Alan Cousteau - full transcript

Aren't you going to wash
your hands before you eat?

No. I wrap the toilet paper
around my fingers like an oven mitt.

You could catch a puck with it.

So, Mom, what brings you
to our neck of the woods?

I'm showing a house down at the beach.
Thought I'd swing by and see my grandson.

Tada!

- Nice house?
- Oh, magnificent.

And priced to move.

The owner lost everything in the
stock market, killed himself.

- Oh, that's terrible.
- Oh, no. He didn't do it in the house. Thank God.

Even with an ocean view,
suicide homes are a bitch to unload.



Keep that in mind in case you ever
want to teach your brother a lesson.

Thanks for the tip.

Good morning, Alan.
Morning, Jake.

Satan.

Good morning, darling.
Two coffee cups?

- Did you have a friend spend the night?
- Yes, I did.

Couldn't get her to stand
on the trapdoor, huh?

Charlie, I don't have time
for coffee, so...

- Oh, hello.
- Hello.

Uh, Chelsea, this is my mother.
Mom, this is Chelsea.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.

Welcome back to the States.

Thank you.
Where have I been?

- Charlie says you have a place in Italy and...
- You know, Chelsea, sometimes when I'm drunk,



I make up stories, so...

You know, grain of salt.

- That is quite an engagement ring.
- Thank you.

- Does your fiance know about this one?
- My fiance is this one.

You want me to put this
in a travel mug?

- You didn't tell your mother we're engaged?
- If she hadn't sold me the house,

she wouldn't even know
where I live.

When were you going to tell
her about me? At the wedding?

Well, technically, I think we
have up to a year after that.

Shame on you.
I am so sorry.

It's all right, dear.
I'm used to it.

Although a phone call
would have been nice.

It's good to meet you.
Excuse me.

So, yea or nay
on the travel mug?

Charlie, you just broke
your mother's heart.

- How is that funny?
- It's not. Guys, a little respect.

What is wrong with you?

Same stuff as always, nothing new.

Does this smell
like butt to you?

- I'm glad you came over.
- That was the plan, wasn't it?

Yeah, but I thought you might
still be angry with me. - I'm not angry, Charlie.

I'm just disappointed.

Gee, I'd kind of prefer it
if you were angry.

Why?

Because angry sex is hot.

Disappointed sex is...
well, we might as well be married.

- Just brush your teeth.
- Brushing.

Look, I understand you have
a difficult relationship with your mom.

Uh-huh.

- But it makes things kind of tough on me.
- Hey, I don't expect you to dislike her right away.

Give it time.
Let it happen naturally.

That's not funny.
If I'm going to marry into your family,

I want us to act like a family,
care for each other.

With my family,
it's kind of either/or.

Let me put it this way.
I'm taking your mother to lunch on Thursday.

- You're doing what?
- I'm not going to participate

in this childish
little feud of yours.

It's not a childish feud.

Boy.

Come on, Charlie. What's wrong with me having
a warm and healthy relationship with your mother?

Well, for starters,
you'll be the only one.

Ever.

- Oh, don't be so dramatic.
- No, no, no, no.

I'm not being dramatic enough.
I should be wearing tights and holding a skull.

Preferably hers.

- It's just lunch.
- That's what Hitler said to Czechoslovakia.

Hitler said, "It's just lunch"?

Well, he said it in German.
Watch the History Channel.

Charlie, I'm not
doing this to hurt you.

Did you ever think that by my spending time with
your mother, I can get a better understanding of you?

Chelsea, trust me.
Any insight you gain

into me via my mother will end our relationship
faster than catching me in bed with a farm animal.

Just relax.
It'll be fine.

That's what Hitler said to Poland.

And for the record, as long as we've been
going out, I've never met your mother.

- My mother's in Illinois.
- Oh, yeah, and my mother's in "Italy."

My mother really
lives in Illinois.

And besides, when you meet her,
you will count your blessings

- you have someone as wonderful as your mom.
- Tell you what, I'll trade you.

- Sight unseen, my mom for yours.
- Charlie.

I'll even throw in Alan and
a couple of Omaha steaks.

- Come here.
- No, I don't want to.

I'm too upset.

Okay. Good night.

I'm sorry. I can't separate
my emotions from my body.

- I understand.
- I don't want to punish you.

I'm just saying, if my heart's not in it,
then it's just my penis going through the motions.

Well, we certainly
wouldn't want that.

Good night.

Good night.

Chelsea?

I'm not upset anymore.

- Charlie, I'm sleeping.
- I know.

Can you just wake up enough
so it's not weird?

Never mind.
Sweet dreams.

Okay, let me remind you, this is
Malibu beachfront property.

The previous owner
had a spectacular view

as he filled his pockets with
rocks and jumped into the pool.

- Mom?
- Hang on.

No, it's not a suicide home.

At most it's...
suicide adjacent.

All right, get back to me.

What are you doing here?

What, I can't come visit
my mother at work?

Well, I suppose you could, but I've been
here for 22 years and you never have.

Well, maybe
if you validated parking.

- Or any part of my life.
- What do you want, Charlie?

Okay, first of all,
I want to apologize

for not telling you about
Chelsea and the engagement.

I know that was wrong
and selfish of me.

- Thank you.
- Good, I'm glad we got that out of the way.

So, I understand you guys
are having lunch tomorrow.

- Yes, we are. Is that a problem?
- No, no, no, it's great.

I came all the way down here and paid
for my own parking to tell you it's great.

All right, let's put our cards
on the table.

What's your angle?

Angle?
I have no angle.

Yeah, and I have no hangover.

Look, Charlie, if you're really
going to marry this woman,

I want to get started on the right foot with her.
I don't want to make the same mistake I made

- with Alan's wife June.
- Judith.

Oh, whatever.

Heinous woman.

The fact remains,
had I overlooked that

and welcomed her into the family,
she wouldn't have kept me at arm's length

all during Jake's formative years
and I'd have a better relationship with him today.

- Do you want a better relationship with him?
- Not the way he is now.

But if I'd gotten to him earlier, he wouldn't
have the manners of an outhouse rat.

So, bottom line: you want
a good relationship with Chelsea

so you can get your hooks
into the next generation?

Can't I just want to be
a loving mother and grandmother?

Well, I suppose you could, but I've been
here 40 years and you never have.

Evelyn Harper.

Oh, hello, Dr. Yakimora.
What's up?

Oh... That is good news.
What's the address?

Nice neighborhood.
Thanks for the tip.

- What's the good news?
- Massive coronary in Brentwood.

Six bedrooms, four baths,
and a fully equipped gym

that that idiot
shouldn't have been using.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Mommy has
to fly faster than the other vultures.

You mother took me to the most
adorable little restaurant.

No kidding.

It's called Mon Grenier du Vivre.
You know what that means?

Probably "The Spider's Web."

- Charlie...
- "The Devil's Barbecue"?

- Be nice.
- Sorry.

"Bitch in the Box"?

- So what did you guys talk about?
- You know, everything.

She's so smart and funny.
She's been through so much.

- She's a real survivor.
- Just remember,

in order for her to be
a survivor, others had to die.

Okay, that's enough.
Your mom's a terrific lady.

And I'm starting to think that any problem
you have with her is your problem, not hers.

Oh, damn, it's too late.

You're infected with the virus.

Stop it.

I'm sorry, but when you fall asleep tonight,
I'm gonna have to set you on fire.

Shut up.
Believe me, Charlie, when you meet my mom,

you'll thank God for Evelyn.

What the hell is your mom, a rabid
werewolf that craps hot lava on people?

Never mind about my mother.
Let's play.

I don't know.

What's the matter?

- All this talk about mothers, I'm not in the mood.
- I bet I could get you in the mood.

Maybe, but it'd be
a cheap manipulation.

All right, but don't come rubbing up
against me in the middle of the night.

- I won't.
- Fine. Good night.

Good night.

Don't even think about it.

- Listen, you gotta do me a favor.
- That's what I live for.

Sarcasm is for winners, Alan.

- What can I do for you?
- Chelsea's somehow gotten it into her head

that Mom is, you know, human,

- and you need to set her straight.
- Why don't you set her straight?

I tried, but she doesn't believe me.
Probably because I turned out okay.

She needs to hear about Mom from somebody
whose life is completely wrecked and unsalvageable,

i.e., you.

Thanks.
And what do you expect me to say?

I don't know. Just tell her about
your phobias, your obsessions,

your failures with work, marriage,
and parenthood. She'll connect the dots.

- You know what? I think I'll pass.
- Oh, come on.

I always back you up
when you need me.

When have you ever backed me up?

Okay, let's just stay focused
on my problems.

Listen, Charlie, I'm not gonna argue that we didn't have
a difficult childhood, but really, who had a good one?

And isn't it time
we forgive and forget?

- Where's this coming from?
- No, I'm just saying that

maybe our lives would be richer if we let go of
this pointless resentment toward our mother

- and, and just moved on with our lives.
- She got to you, didn't she?

- What are you talking about?
- What did she do? Pay off your car?

Get that dead black tooth fixed?

Oh, listen to yourself.
Excuse me. I have to go to work.

- Hold it.
- What?

- Your watch.
- What about it?

It doesn't have Hamburglars
on the wristband.

So?

- Let me see it.
- No, it's mine.

Let me see it!
Let me see it!

This is a Rolex.

- You sold me out for a watch.
- Hey, I did not sell you out for a watch!

I sold you out for a certified
Swiss chronometer.

Stainless steel Submariner,
waterproof up to 300 meters.

And look, it winds itself.

Put it on your right arm,
it'll run forever.

Oh, good thinking.

Oh, hey, look what else I got.
Genuine porcelain veneer.

From an English-speaking dentist.

From an English-speaking dentist.

- Hey, Jake, I need a favor.
- Sorry, I can't say bad things about Grandma.

Okay, what did she buy you?
A new guitar? Minibike?

Pizza.

You sold me out for a pizza?

Not just a pizza.
A meat-lover's pizza.

* "M" is for the misery she caused me *

* "O" is for the other things she did *

* "T" is for the traitor
who's my brother *

* "H" is for the...
hump who is his kid *

No, it's true.
They can bleach anything these days.

Really?
It's gotta burn like hell.

Oh, like a lit cigar.

But it's worth it.
Curb appeal isn't just for the front door.

* "E" is for extremely
frightening girl talk. *

- Hey, honey.
- How was shopping? Mom, pick up any new souls?

- Charlie, that's uncalled for.
- It's okay, Chelsea.

- He can't help himself.
- Yes, he can.

There's no excuse for speaking
to your mother that way.

You don't know that.

- Evelyn, thank you for a wonderful day.
- The pleasure was mine.

It's nice to be appreciated
for a change.

- Are we on for yoga tomorrow?
- Can't wait.

Oh, and of course, you and Charlie
are coming for dinner on Saturday.

- We wouldn't miss it.
- Um, uh, actually...

Chels, we have plans
on Saturday, remember?

- What plans?
- Oh, for God's sake, can't you just play along?

- We'll be there.
- Wonderful. Ta-ta.

- Are you proud of yourself?
- Not really. I lost that one.

* "R" is for the rifle in my mouth *

* Put them all together,
they spell "mother" *

* A word that's only half
of how I feel. *

Hello, I am Alan Cousteau.

I left the Calypso at...

0500 hours,

and have descended
to a depth of 60 fathoms.

And yet my Rolex
is keeping perfect time.

Oh, look,
there goes a giant squid.

Alan?

Yes?

What are you doing?

I got no good answer.

It's Saturday night, and I'm all alone.

Do you know where Charlie is?
We're supposed to be at your mother's at 7:00.

Oh, you are cutting it close.

- Have you seen him? - Uh, not for a
couple of hours. Have you tried his cell?

I did. There's no answer.
I'm getting worried.

- Chelsea, I'm home.
- Thank goodness.

I return to the deep.

- Where have you been?
- Picking up a little surprise for you.

Come on in.

- Mom?
- Hello, sweetie. Oh!

Ooh, feels like you gave up
on the Jenny Craig, huh?

- What are you doing here?
- I flew her in from Illinois.

First class.
Very swanky.

Of course, I had some rich Jew lawyer
chewing my ear off the whole way.

- Tell her about the food.
- Oh, the food was terrific,

but the flight attendant
was a colored homo.

I'm glad they make 'em pick up the dinner rolls
with tongs 'cause I can't risk the AIDS.

I hope you didn't fill up.
We're going to my mom's for dinner.

Oh, how nice.

Now be honest with me, Charlie.
You're so dark and handsome,

you gotta have some dago in ya, right?

God, I love your mom.

That was the worst
dinner of my life.

Really?
I thought the two moms hit it off.

Kinda country mouse, city mouse.

I especially liked the part when
country mouse kicked off her shoes,

put her big yellow bunions
on city mouse's mahogany coffee table

and asked her how she liked
having a commie A-rab for a president.

- You've made your point, Charlie.
- Point? Whatever do you mean?

You leave my mother alone,
and I'll leave yours alone.

Well, gosh, I don't know.
I've really taken a shine to your mom.

She promised to teach me
how to chew tobacco and burn a cross.

- Do we have a deal or not?
- Deal. Come here.

I'm not in the mood.

All right, but don't be rubbing up against me
in the middle of the night.

Don't worry. I won't.
Good night.

Good night.

All right, I was bluffing.

Feel free to rub.

Rub yourself.

- Chels?
- What?

Can you watch me
so it's not weird?