Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 15 - I'd Like to Start with the Cat - full transcript

Charlie's big mouth and lack of attention to details gets him in couples counseling with his girlfriend.

Oh, man.

That was intense.

I need some fluids.


I must've been down a quart.

Guess that makes you up a quart, huh?

Hey, you know what would be good
right now?

A pudding cup.

I've got some in the fridge.
Ahem. You want one?


Um, you have
a bad experience with pudding?

What are we doing, Charlie?

Well, you're crying, and my best guess
is I'm about to apologize for something.

Every time I come over,
it's the same routine.

We have Chinese takeout,
then we have sex...

...then we roll over and go to sleep.

Which is why I suggested the pudding.

You know, mix it up a little.

Besides, what about all the wonderful
talking and joking and, you know...

...sharing we do?
- Sharing?

- What do we share, Charlie?
- Well, uh, we share Chinese takeout.

And, uh, hey, the other night
we watched the Laker game together.

You watched it over my shoulder
while we were having sex.

Oh, come on, it was overtime.

What kind of relationship is this?

We don't go anywhere,
we don't do anything.

Where do you wanna go?
What do you wanna do?

- I can get Laker tickets.
- I don't want to go to a basketball game.

I wanna know who you are.
I want you to know who I am.

- I know who you are.
- You do?

Okay, what's my middle name?

Your middle name?


I know this.

- Sunburned boobs.
- What?

Hang on, hang on.

Sunburned boobs, red boobs,
red breasts. Robin.

A little memory trick.

My middle name is Christine.

Not a very good trick.

Who's my best friend?

Where do I work?

What's my cat's name?

What... What's my favorite movie?

What kind of music do I like?

What religion was I raised in?

And do I have any brothers and sisters?

Okay, I'd like to start with the cat.

I'm gonna go with Fluffy.

Drop dead.

Snowball? Mr. Mittens?

Tiger? Whiskers? Puss-Puss?


- Oh, come on, what's my middle name?
CHELSEA: Francis.

- No, it's not.
CHELSEA: Yes, it is.

Show off.

Oh, Chelsea, come on,
how much do I need to know about you...

...other than I'm crazy about you?

It's not that you don't know,
it's that you don't care.

I do care. I just don't pay close attention.

Goodbye, Charlie.

I mean, uh, I pay attention,
but I don't test well.


What did you do,
bring out the handcuffs too early?

- Apparently, I don't know her middle name.
- It's Christine.

- How do you know?
- She told me.

- Why did she tell you?
- I asked her.

- Why did you ask?
- How else do you get to know a person?

Go away.

Ahem, if a woman stormed out on me
after sex, would you go away?

That's beside the point.

So, what happened?

I don't know.

We were having a nice night.

Little lo mein, little sex,
then the crying started.

Oh, yeah. Been there, done that.

No, she was crying.

- She wants more out of our relationship.
- More what?

I'm not sure.

I know it's not pudding.

Well, what did she say?

She said I don't know her well enough.

You tell me, what's more important
to know:

Her cat's name or which of her body parts
you can't sneak up on?

Well, I'm not sure
one necessarily precludes the other.

Yeah, well, I've never been mule-kicked
for not knowing a cat's name.

It doesn't matter.

There's more where she came from.

Speaking of which.

Where does she come from?

- I don't know and I don't care.
- Davenport, lowa.

Bite me.

- Wanna know her cat's name?
- No.

It's Mandu.

- Mandu?
- Yeah. You know, "Cat Mandu."

It's cute, huh?

Why was I thinking Puss-Puss?

Because that's what
you're always thinking.

What happened to all the pudding cups?

- I guess your uncle ate them.
- All of them? There were two 12-packs.

Have something else.

No cookies?
What the hell is going on around here?

- Hey, watch your mouth.
- I am watching it. It's empty.

I need dessert.

- Son of a bitch.
- Jake.

Frozen peas.
What am I gonna do with frozen peas?

Well, if you want dessert, have an apple.

Not funny, Dad.

You sure I can't interest you
in a pudding cup?

Thanks, I'm okay.

- How about a chocolate chunk cookie?
- No, thank you.

- Did you quit drinking?
- God, no.

- Why?
- You seem to be experimenting...

...with a new sugar-delivery system.

Anything bothering you lately?

Well, there is this one thing, but I don't
know if it's medical or psychological.

Tell me.

Lately, I've passed up a couple
of opportunities to get some strange.



Women with whom
I have not previously been acquainted.

Oh, right, strange.


Go on.

I was wondering
if there's something wrong with me.

Because you passed up meaningless sex
with strangers?


That's not like me.

Hey, you know, I bet "strange"
comes from "stranger."

I wouldn't be surprised.

So, what else going on with your life?

Not much.

I've been gaining a little weight
for some reason.

- Maybe I haven't been sleeping well.
- Yeah, that's probably it.

Oh, and this one girl I've been seeing
pretty regularly decided to dump me.


- "Huh," what?
- Oh, nothing.

It's just, sometimes I feel like
I'm stealing your money.

So tell me about this woman.


Not much to tell.

She's beautiful, sexy,
smart, independent.

Sometimes, when she laughs,
she makes a little snorting noise.

It's really cute. Kind of like:


Not as cute when I do it.

Sounds like quite a catch.

- She's okay.
- Why did she dump you?

Who can understand a woman's mind?

Yeah, we're pretty little puzzles,
ain't we?

So it's not just me.


Anyway, for some reason, she suddenly
became dissatisfied with our relationship.

- Well, describe the relationship.
- It was great.

She'd come over a couple times a week.

Either she'd bring food
or I'd have something delivered.

We'd have sex, then eat...

...then maybe have sex again
depending on what was on TV.

And she became dissatisfied with that?

I know, right?

Ooh, butterscotch.

So how did you feel about losing her?

- What do you mean?
- What do I mean?

Come on, Charlie,
Dr. Seuss could diagnose this.

You're stuffing yourself with crap
to suppress your negative feelings.

No, I'm pretty sure that's why I drink.

You have a choice here.

You can dig down
and confront your feelings... they won't be
controlling your behavior...

...or you can keep
eating pudding and cookies...

...until you have more chins
than a Chinese phone book.


No. What else you got?

- Do you have a better idea?
- What if I could get Chelsea back?

That would only be a temporary solution.

So? That's what people said
about bourbon...

...and we've been together
for almost 30 years.

Okay, you're right. Go get Chelsea back,
and all your problems will be solved.

- I'm sensing sarcasm.
- Oh, good, we're finally making progress.

Here you go.

What are you drinking?

Chocolate caramel frappuccino
with whipped cream and sprinkles.

My nephew turned me on to it.
You want some?

No, thanks, I had a hot-fudge sundae
for breakfast.

Ooh, that sounds good.


Ah, you look nice.

I've gotta get back to work, Charlie.
What do you want?

I just wanted to see you,
see how you're doing.

- I'm fine.
- Good.

And how's your family
back in Davenport, lowa?

I'm from Champaign, Illinois.

- You sure?
- I'm sure.

Bastard set me up.

- What?
- Nothing, nothing.

- I miss you.
- I miss you too, but it doesn't matter.

Our relationship wasn't going anywhere,
and you are incapable of change.

It's not that I'm incapable,
I've just been unwilling.

- Thanks for clearing that up.
- No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

I've been seeing a shrink.

- Really?
- Yeah. I'm making a lot of progress...

...confronting my...
What do you call them? Personal issues.

- Well, I'm glad to hear it.
- Come, sit.

And check this out, the shrink's a woman.
A real ballbuster.

- I can't get away with anything.
- Ballbuster?

In a good way.
You know, a buster of emotional balls.

You should meet her.

Are you suggesting
we go to couples counseling?



I mean, I wanna work on our relationship,
and what better way...

...than couples counseling?

- You're serious?
- Of course I'm serious.

You think I'd blurt out something like that
in a desperate attempt... keep you from leaving?

- It occurred to me.
- Well, clearly you don't know me... well as you should.
- All right.

Couples counseling.
Wow. I'm impressed, Charlie.

Ha, ha. Me too.

Okay, I gotta run.

- Let me know when our appointment is.
- Sure thing.


Oh, God, what have I done?

Davenport, lowa?

Oh, uh, did I say Davenport, lowa?

I meant Champaign, Illinois.

- Okay, that's one for you.
- Thank you.



And that's one for me.

Now, I need some advice.

Oh, and just a friendly heads-up... screw with me,
it's gonna cost you some teeth.

I'm listening.

Wait a minute, what's this about?

Oh, he bought some stuff
with his own money...

...and he doesn't want you eating it.
- Huh.

- You've been to couples counseling, right?
- Yeah, why?

I'm going with Chelsea,
and I need to know what I'm getting into.

Oh, you're gonna love it.

- I am?
- Absolutely.

Once a week, you sit on a couch
with your significant other...

...while she snips off your testicles,
reaches up inside your chest cavity...

...and goes like this:

To your heart.

- That doesn't sound very good.
- Oh, it's horrible.

But it's worth it...

...because you're paying a stranger
to watch...

...while your life goes down
the toilet...

...along with your money
and your house and your car...

...and every last shred
of your self-respect!

You know,
maybe you're not the right guy to ask.

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm the perfect guy to ask.

Uh, when Judith and I started, ha, ha,
we were just a couple with a few problems.

When we finished,
I came to live on your couch!

God bless couples counseling!

That better not be
one of my pudding cups.

Nope, ahem.

- Hi, Charlie. Come on in.
- Shouldn't we wait for Chelsea?

She's already here.


That seems a little ambush-y.

- Hi, sweetie.
- You're late.

I know, I know. I'm sorry.

But, ahem, I have a good excuse.

Happy first day of counseling.

- You brought a present?
- Yeah.

- Isn't that the protocol?
- No.

So you don't want
this bottle of champagne?

Bastard got me again.

- Why don't we get started?
- Hold on. Hold on.

Does the name Mandu
ring any kind of a bell?

- What?
- I'm gonna kill him.

Why don't we start out with
why we're here and what our goals are?

- Chelsea, would you like to go first?
- Sure.

I want to know if my relationship
with Charlie can be more than sex, TV...

...and Chinese food.

- It can. Right, doc?
- Of course it can.

Thank you.

Well, this is good. This is progress.

I have to say,
this has been a very good session.

Where do you think you're going?


Just stretching my legs.

Charlie, before you got here,
Chelsea mentioned that she feels...'ve fallen into a rut.
- A rut? We're not in a rut.

When's the last time
we did something new?



Great. What else?


He's got nothing.

Excuse me. If this is gonna work, you can't
jump all over me while I'm thinking.

- I'm sorry. Go ahead.
- Thank you.

I got nothing.

Okay, might I make a suggestion?

Would you be willing to commit to Chelsea
that maybe once a week, twice a month... do something together
completely outside your comfort zone?

Done, no problem.

So we could go to the ballet...

...the opera, visit my parents,
hang out with my brother...

...go hiking with my friends?
- Yeah, whoa, whoa.

I was thinking more like renting a chick flick
and ordering Italian.

- This is hopeless.
- No, no, no, there's hope.

There's always hope. Keep hope alive.

I can do those things.

Come. Sit.

Charlie, has it ever occurred to you...

...that you might enjoy doing new things
and meeting new people?

I know I'm supposed
to say yes, but, uh...

...every fiber of my body
is screaming, "No!"

All right, then I have to ask.

Given that you and Chelsea
are such different people...

...why do you want to be
in this relationship?


...because I'm crazy about her.

When I'm with somebody else,
I'm thinking of her.

Not that I've been with anybody else.
Tell her, doc.

He passed up strange.

See? That's gotta mean something,
considering how I used to, you know... for strange.

First time in the sack,
she was the strange.

Charlie, can I give you my opinion
as your therapist?

- Sure.
- Shut up.

Oh, God, I wish I could.

Chelsea, look. I know I'm not perfect.

- Ha, ha.
- Hey, hey, hey.

I'm sorry.
That was probably unprofessional.

Anyway, you need to know
that you mean everything to me...

...and I'll do whatever it takes
to make this work.

- You really mean that?
- I do.

Thank you, Charlie.

Well, this has been very helpful.

Sit down, Charlie.

We're not done?

Not even close.

Oh, boy.

What else could we possibly
have to talk about?

Well, there's always your mother
and that your relationship issues...

...are linked to anger towards her
as well as fear of your latent homosexuality.

It was kind of a rhetorical question.

ALAN: Charlie?
- Yeah.

How was couples counseling?

You really wanna know?

Sure. Tell me everything.




Why would you do that?

You know, l... I've been asking myself
the same thing...

...and the only thing I can come up with is,
it's really, really funny.

Go ahead, yuck it up.

Those were among the worst 50 minutes
of my entire life.

- I told you, didn't I tell you?
- Yep, you told me.

I bet you left with your gonads
in a guppy bag.

- I didn't get a bag.
- Going back next week?


- Hundred-eighty dollars an hour?
- Two forty.

Ooh, licensed.


You two kids will patch things up
in no time.

Counseling didn't help your relationships.
Doesn't mean it won't help mine.

Right, right.
Keep drinking that old Kool-Aid.

Looking for something?

Don't screw with me, kid.

Now, hand over the pudding,
or you'll be sorry.

Have an apple.

Little turd called my bluff.