Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 13 - I Think You Offended Don - full transcript

30 days has September,
all the rest have 31,

except for Judith, who has 28.

Hey, Alan. Meet Don.

Hello, Don.

Hello, Alan.

Don drove me home and
I don't have any money.

Okay, uh, is Don a cabbie?

No, no. Don is a close, personal friend.

Don is a cabbie. He has enough
friends, and he wants his $80.

What happened to your money?

Good question.



You know how easy Texas Hold 'Em looks on TV
when you can see the other guys' hole cards?

Yeah.

Very different in real life.

Uh, 20, 40, 60, 80.

No tip?

Hold on.

Let's see, five dollars...

Keep your money, Mr. Trump
You need it more than I do.

Are we still on for lunch?

I think you offended Don.

He'll get over it. Where's your car?

Don't change the subject.
You owe Don an apology.

- Oh, hey, a calendar.
- Yeah.

- What's "JMC" stand for?
- Nothing.



Oh, come on. John Mellencamp Cougar?

No.

Jumping Methodist... cougar?

No.

Then I give up.

Well, if you must know, it stands
for "Judith's menstrual cycle."

Get out.

No, look. This is when
Judith and Herb broke up.

And this is the day
that I had sex with her.

Dude... you need a better hobby.

Judith is now five months pregnant.

Oh, yeah, right.

She's probably in that sweet spot where her boobs
are big and cushy but her ass is still normal.

Charlie, it is almost certain that
I am the father of Judith's baby.

Are you still grinding on this?

What if it's a girl? I
always wanted a daughter.

I finally get one and some
other guy gets to be her dad.

I feel like the universe is playing
some horrible practical joke on me.

I lost $8,000 playing poker.

I have no idea where my car is,
threw up in my mouth three times,

and I'm still having a
better night than you are.

I don't expect you to understand.

You don't know the
joy of being a parent.

Of watching a part of you grow and develop,
blooming into a fully formed human being.

Four times.

Jake, your father's here.

- So, how you doing?
- Good.

- Over the morning sickness?
- Yes, Alan.

Uh, by my calculations probably
about a week, ten days ago?

That sounds right.

Good, good. You have a nice break till the,
uh, till the old hemorrhoids come a-callin'.

Jake1

Judith, are we gonna talk
about the elephant in the room?

What elephant?

Come on, you, me, the baby?

- I mean, we did have unprotected sex...
- You shut your mouth. We did not.

Yes, we did.

Read my lips. We did not have sex.

Oh, hey, Alan. How goes it?

Oh, uh, fine, Herb. Uh, how you doing?

Proud as a peacock.

- Honey, did you show him the sonogram?
- No.

- Oh, you should see her, Alan.
- Her? So, it is a girl?

Yep, one fresh-faced
little fetus sans wee-wee.

I always wanted a sans wee-wee.

Well, you can't have mine.

No, no, of course not.

Hey, wanna see how we're
decorating the nursery?

He doesn't wanna see the nursery, Herb.

Sure I would. You going with
mermaids? Little girls love mermaids.

Actually, I was thinking little ponies.

- Little ponies?
- Yeah, why?

Oh, gosh... Little ponies
have little penises.

Really? I didn't notice
that on the stencils.

- Let's go take look.
- I'm ready.

Oh, uh, I'll be right back. I'm
just going to go see the baby's room.

He never wants to see my room.

That's because your room is a pig sty.

I didn't ask for a reason.

Alan, buddy, I'm getting a little
concerned about your drinking.

I don't have a problem.

Well, I do. You're
swillin' my good stuff.

Here. Have some Old Wal-Mart.

Thank you.

What's this?

Ugh, a diary I kept
during Judith's pregnancy.

Jennifer, Jocelyn, Jasmine, Jolene?

Some of the names that we picked
out in case Jake had been a girl.

Oh, man, can you imagine him as a chick?

Woof1

Yeah, well, that's
not how it turned out.

Think about it though.

Every weekend, me, you and a
big ugly girl with a bad haircut.

I'm gonna have a daughter, Charlie.

Okay, okay, first of all,
you don't know it's your kid.

All we know is that when Judith
and Herb broke up you nailed Judith.

Then when they reconciled,
Herb nailed Judith.

So, the only thing we know for sure is that
despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.

Hey, I'm aware that technically
either one of us could be the father,

but I know in my gut that
this is my sweet bastard child.

You don't know squat.

And you wanna talk technically?

Technically, maybe neither
one of you is the father.

Oh, dear God, Charlie.
What have you done?

Not me, you fool.

- Although if I had known she was that easy, may...
- Stop1

All I'm saying is there could very
well be some guy in her driveway

with a leaf blower pining
away for "baby Juanita."

That's just ridiculous. Judith
won't even eat Mexican food.

Look, even if you're right, doing anything
about it, it's just gonna destroy a marriage.

I know, I know. It's just... it's so
hard to ignore my paternal instincts.

Sure, I see those instincts
with Jake and I admire them.

If I was his dad, I would've dropped him off at
an orphanage with 20 bucks and a bag of doughnuts.

No, you wouldn't. He was
adorable when he was a baby.

Baby? I'm lking about last week.

I walked into his room. He was
trying to bite his toenails.

Let's be honest. That's monkey behavior.

son inot a monkey.

My point here is, rget the baby.

- You've already got a kid to raise.
- Yeah, I guess.

He's not a monkey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

I don't wanna watch football.

Nobody cares what you wanna watch.

Why do you get to decide
evything around here?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's because I bought
everything around here.

Oh, right, play the money
card. That's all you got.

That's all I need. Now shut up.

No, you shut up.

All right, I'm gonna count to three
and then I'm gonna kick your ass.

Ooh, I'm scared.

One. Two.

I'm only leaving 'cause I'm bored.

He keeps growing, I'm screwed.

Hey, hey, uh, you wanna hear what
I wrote the night you were born?

Not really.

Oh, come on. Come on. Uh,
sit down. You'll like it.

It's kind of a poem.

"My son, my son, my only one.

You open my heart like the morning sun."

"Your tiny face, your tiny hand.

Never have I felt a love so grand.

Gay.

What do you know about
poetry, you monkey?

Oh, hey, Herb.

Just thought I'd stop by and see if you
needed any help with the baby's room.

Thanks, I'm painting today.

Oh, great. Just call me Vincent
Van "Gogh-ing" to help you.

Funnier in my head. Let's go.

Oh, Judith, look who stopped by
to help paint the baby's room.

Surprise.

Herb doesn't need any help, Alan.

- Yes, I do.
- Yes, he does.

Come on, I'm just finishing up the base coat,
but I'm gonna start on the unicorn stencils.

Unicorns? Oh, Herb, that's
just a pony with a strap-on1

I know, tell me about it.

It's like nine kinds of
"suck" in an eight-suck bag.

- Hey, Jake?
- Gotta go.

I didn't mean to interrupt your call.

Yeah, well, you should've thought
of that before you barged in.

Yeah.

The reason I barged in was to apologize
for threatening to kick your ass.

I wouldn't really do that.

You couldn't really do that.

Anyway, I was thinking about
ordering a pizza. You interested?

No, thanks.

Maybe you didn't hear me. Pizza.

Dough, sauce, cheese, grease,
meat. I've seen you lick the box.

I'm not hungry.

- Okay, what the hell's wrong with you?
- Nothing.

Fine. Be that way.

I know what's going on here.

You're bent out of shape 'cause
your mom's having another baby.

- No, I'm not.
- It's okay. Nothing to be ashamed of.

In fact, I know exactly how you feel.

My mom's second child ruined my life.

That's my dad.

Listen, it wasn't all bad.

When babies grow up a little,
you can have fun with 'em.

You know, pee in their
canteen, teach 'em to stutter.

Of course, the down side is they're so
damaged later on they move into your guest room

with their kid and never leave.

Not that I don't love having you here.

You're a delight.

I'm fine with the baby.

- Really?
- Yeah. I'm actually kinda looking forward to it.

Well, that's a novel approach.

So if it's not the baby, why have
you been such a dillweed lately?

None of your business.

So it's a girl.

Just get out of my room.

- Make me.
- God, you're such a child.

Oh, yeah, it's a girl.

- Hmm, Jolene.
- Yeah.

Jolene Melnick.

Nope, I don't think so.

Why not? You could call her Jo or Josie.

Kinda wanted to name her
after my Grandma Mildred.

- Mildred Melnick?
- Yeah. We could call her Mil, or Millie.

I'm sorry, Herb.

But with a name like Mildred you might
as well call her Staff Sergeant Melnick.

Herb, can you get the cookies for me?

Oh, sure. We, uh, keep 'em on
the top shelf of the pantry.

- You know... Jake.
- Yeah.

Charlie keeps his fudge
nuggets in the trunk of his car.

Thank you, dear.

What are you doing here?

I'm helping my friend, helping you.

If not for me, our little girl would
be surrounded by metaphorical pony peni.

Our little girl?

Alan, I don't know what you
imagine happened between you and me,

but if you say anything to Herb,

I swear to God I'll put a gun in your mouth
and paint these walls with your brains.

I think we settled on mermaids.

Cookie for my cookie?

Oh, yum. Thank you.

Pregnancy's a wild ride, huh?

One minute she's loving and affectionate,
the next minute she's, well...

Cruel, vengeful, castrating?

I was going to say moody.

Wait for it.

Of course I want to go to the party.

'Cause my stupid uncle won't let me.

I don't know, 'cause
he's old and clueless.

No, I can't sneak out.

'Cause I gotta be here to
change his adult diapers.

Otherwise he just sits in his own filth.

I know, it's really gross.

- Hi there.
- Gotta go.

You're not supposed to listen
to my private conversations.

You're not supposed to
tell people I crap my pants.

Okay, whatever.

So what's the deal with this party that
I'm supposedly not letting you go to,

like I actually give a rat's
ass about your social life?

Just leave me alone.

You know that's not going to happen.

Come on. You can trust me.

You told me never trust
a guy who says "trust me."

Did you trust me when I told you that?

I'm confused.

Of course you are. Now tell me why
you don't want to go to this party.

I can't tell you. It's embarrassing.

Okay, okay.

How about I tell you something
embarrassing about myself first?

Like what?

Well, let's see.

All right, about 15 years
ago, I was in Bangkok.

- What?
- Bangkok.

It's a real place, you nimrod.

Still funny though.

Anyway, I was in this bar and
I met this beautiful woman,

and I was a little drunk and I
didn't notice the Adam's apple.

But later that night...

Well, believe me, I
was really embarrassed.

Girls don't have Adam's apples.

Oh, dude, you are such a 'mo.

No, no, no, no, we just kissed.

Oh, that's even worse1

All right. I shared. Now you share.

You didn't have to share that.

A fart in the lunch line
would've made your point.

I get it. I'm sorry. Now talk.

Okay.

Well, there's this girl I kinda like
and she's gonna be at the party tonight.

And she... said she
wants to hook up with me.

And you're nervous.

Well, she's gone out with a ninth
grader and I think she's done stuff.

Okay, I get it.

You've got yourself an experienced
older woman who knows more than you.

Everybody knows more than me.

You should hear some of the
things my friends have done.

Oh, please. How old are your friends?

Same age as me.

- How old are you?
- Fourteen.

Mmm, horrible age.

All right, first of all, whenever 14-year-old
boys talk about sex, they're lying.

But for a guy like you, the
truth can be a powerful tool.

- What?
- Powerful tool.

Stay with me, Jake.

How about a powerful tool in Bangkok?

Jake, what I'm trying to tell you here
is that the truth can work for you.

What truth? That I don't
know what I'm doing?

Yep, play to your strengths,
which in your case is ignorance.

Here, I'll show you.

You gently cup her face in your hands,
look her in the eye and tell her,

"I'm new at this and I'm trusting
you to be patient with me."

You're kidding.

Nope. Girls eat that crap up.

And I'll tell you something else-- that line
will work for you all the way through college.

Or in your case, your
second hitch in the Navy.

Now go get dressed and
I'll take you to that party.

Thanks, Uncle Charlie.

No problem, buddy.

Still didn't need to
hear that Bangkok story.

I'm sorry.

It's going to give me nightmares.

Welcome to the club.

All right, we're agreed
on a Montessori preschool.

But what about child care?

Oh, well, uh, Judith's mother has already
told us we can count on her for baby-sitting.

What?

Oh, nothing, nothing.
Lenore's a lovely woman.

I'm, I'm sure the baby will be fine.

Oh, okay, good.

Yeah. She's probably got
a lid on those dons by now.

What demons?

Oh, ah, well, it's no biggie.

Um, she just, uh, hit a little rough
patch with the prescription pills...

the intervention, the, the rehab.

There was an intervention?

And rehab. Um, three times.

Three times?

Well, so far.

Oh, dear God, what the hell happened?

Golly, I-I didn't want
to be the one to tell you.

Alan, please.

All right, um, Lenore was
baby-sitting one night,

and when Judith and I came home,

we found her face down in a bowl of H agen-Dazs
with a couple of Percocets in her hair.

You're kidding.

Well, that's not the scary part.

Um, we heard some shrieking and, uh,

found baby Jake with his head stuck in a
doggie door trying to fend off a raccoon.

A raccoon?

Yeah. Yeah.We-we got him all
the shots just to be safe,

but he was never the same after that.

Judith never told me about this.

Well, it's her mother,
Herb. What's she gonna say?

But tell you what, sneak up on Jake one night
wearing a Davy Crockett hat and see what happens.

Anyway, if you ever need a-a sitter for
little Jolene, you, uh, you call Uncle Alan.

How's it going in here?

Oh, honey, good news.

Alan's offered to baby-sit so we
don't have to risk calling your mother.

Get out1

A raccoon?

And you believed him?

Are you insane?

How do I look?

- She already likes you, right?
- Yeah.

Then you look great.

Let's go.

Hello?

I'm still not real sure about this.

What's the big deal? I
told you how to handle it.

I know. I just...

I just don't want to go.

All right... All right.

No hurry.

It's not like they're
going to stop makin' girls.

how about we order that
pizza and watch a movie?

Cool. I should probably change
back into my eating shirt.

Don't worry. You can't ruin this shirt.

What the hell is that cologne?

Air freshener from the toilet.

I figured I was spraying it anyway.

Oh, hey, Judith. What's up?

Actually, quite a bit.

Is something wrong?

No, uh, it's just, um, I think
it's time you knew the truth.

What truth?

Marlene Melnick is your daughter.

I knew it. For 14 years,
I've known it.

Well, I told her everything,
and she wants to live with her real dad.

That's great.

It's okay, honey.
Come on in.

Hi, daddy!

Whoa...