Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 5, Episode 9 - Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids - full transcript

I'd like to propose a toast
to my beautiful bride-to-be.

Darling,
I never thought I'd find love again.

I not only found it,
but I found the love of my life.

To Evelyn.

- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.

That poor, clueless bastard.

It's like watching a dog
stick his face in a fan.

You don't do that more than once.

I am the lucky one in this relationship.

And I promise you, darling...

...I am going to be the best wife
I possibly can.



To Teddy.

- Teddy.
- To Teddy.

That poor, clueless bastard.

- So can we go now?
- No, we can't. It would be rude.

I don't mind being rude.

You just talking or you got a plan?

Well, if I eat enough shrimp,
I can make myself puke.

Then start eating.

Okay, stop it, both of you.
There will be no puking.

We're gonna stay,
congratulate the happy couple...

...mingle a bit,
and then I'm gonna fake a migraine.

- You can do that?
- Hell, yeah.

I spent 12 years watching my wife
fake migraines and orgasms.

I'd go with the migraine.



Thanks for coming, fellas.
Means a lot to me.

Wouldn't miss it.

We wish you a lifetime
of love and happiness. Right, Charlie?

Well, yeah, but he seems
hell-bent on marrying Mom.

Hey, Daddy. Sorry I'm late.

That's okay, doodlebug.

Just glad you could make it.

Charlie, Alan, Jake,
this is my daughter, Courtney.

Honey,
these are Evelyn's sons and grandson.

I'm the grandson.

- Oh, well, it's nice to finally meet you all.
- Nice to meet you too.

So, Teddy, what's the deal?

All this time, you've been hiding
this beautiful woman from us?

Just from you, Charlie.

- Fair enough.
- Dad's a little overprotective.

I can see why.

Charlie, why don't you and I
get Courtney a drink?

I'd like to get Courtney a house.

Walk with me.

- How's your headache, Dad?
- Not yet. So...

Courtney, you have amazing posture.
Do you see a chiropractor?

- No.
- Would you like to?

- Charlie, I need you to do me a favor.
- Anything for you, Teddy. Name it.

- Stay away from Courtney.
- Name something else.

- Charlie, this is important.
- Don't worry.

I think too much of you
to wanna, you know...

...do what I wanna do
with your daughter.

- I appreciate that.
- Consider it a wedding present.

- Thanks.
- No, seriously, that's all you get.

Courtney, dear,
what a surprise to see you.

- Well, I told you I was coming.
- Yes, but the party started an hour ago.

So I naturally assumed that something
had come up that was more important...

...than your father's happiness.

Well, Evelyn, you know
what they say about assuming.

When you assume, you're just a bitch.

- Courtney, there are children present.
- She means me, but I'm fine with it.

Thank you, dear.

You should hear
what they call her at home.

- Have some shrimp.
- Oh, boy.

- Well, great party, but we gotta go.
- Oh, already?

Yeah. We'd love to stay,
but Alan's got a headache.

Not yet.

Not yet debilitating,
but I do need to lay down.

Hey, before you go, my dad
had mentioned that you like nice cars.

- Yeah.
- I do too.

Swell.

Here's my card.
Maybe I can help you out someday.

Whoa, Ferraris, Lamborghinis.

They say driving one is the most fun
you can have with your pants on.

Well, that's how I like to drive.
With my pants on.

Otherwise,
the leather kind of sticks to my thighs.

Well, you should come down sometime.
I'll give you a test drive.

- Actually, I'm really not a Ferrari guy.
- I'm not either.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

We really gotta get our signals straight.
I mean, you made me look stupid.

Don't blame your father for that.

I'm telling you right now,
I'm not having any more children.

Terrific.

Hello?

No, it's Alan.

Oh, hi, Courtney.

Well, it was very nice
meeting you last night too.

Oh, I'm sorry...

...I had no idea that you were planning
on using a fake migraine to get out early.

So, what did you do?

Menstrual cramps.

Yeah, I can't get away with that.

Although sometimes
I'll use irritable bowel syndrome.

And...

Okay, I'll get Charlie.

It's Teddy's daughter.
She wants to talk to you.

- Really?
- You promised Teddy you'd stay away.

Hey, I didn't tell her to call me.

What kind of man
would hit on his future stepsister?

You're just making it hotter for him.

Give me the phone, give me the phone.

Hi, Courtney, what's up?

That's nice, but I told you,
I'm really not into Ferraris.

A Bentley?
Oh, it's a little more my style.

Okay, I guess I could come by
and take a peek at it.

First a peek, then a poke.

Uncalled for.

Two o'clock? Great. I'll see you then.

I swear this is just business.

I'm going to look at a Bentley
she got in on trade.

I can get it for dealer cost.

- Since when do you need a Bentley?
- Nobody needs a Bentley, Alan.

Just like nobody needs
to date a woman half their age.

But if you want one,
it doesn't hurt to have the other.

Did Teddy tell you
to stay away from his daughter too?

- No.
- Yeah, why would he?

Pretty hot, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. But it's not really my thing.

Gee, I think a guy like you
would look great in one of these.

- You think?
- Absolutely.

Here. Slide on into it. See how it feels.

What about the Bentley?

I got the guys in the back washing it up
for you. We have a few minutes.

Sure, why not.

That's always been my motto.

Oh, pretty snug.

Tight's good, don't you think?

Sure, tight's good.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

So where do they put the engine
in these things?

They put it where it belongs. In the rear.

- So no stick?
- No, you shift from the wheel.

Let me show you.

Left side down, right side up.

You don't need a stick.

And yet I've got one anyway.

- Is that your cell phone?
- Boy, I hope so.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, hey, hey, hey. Teddy, how are you?

Good. Me? I'm fine.

Just running some errands.

Yeah, I'll be around tomorrow.
Drop by anytime.

Great. I'll see you then.

That was your dad.

He wants to talk to me and Alan
about something.

I heard.

- Has he ever said anything about me?
- You? Let me think.

He told you to stay away from me,
didn't he?

Oh, yeah, there was that.

I can't believe
he's still trying to control my life.

Hey, your dad loves you.

He's just trying to protect you from,
well, in this case, me.

I'm a big girl, Charlie,
I can take care of myself.

I'm sure you can.

I can also take care of
whoever I choose to be with.

I'm sure you can.

Listen, I appreciate the offer,
but I think I'm gonna pass.

On the Bentley.

But you haven't even seen it yet.

And right now, it's all wet and soapy,
just waiting for you.

Are we still talking about a car?

What do you think?

I think I should probably get out
before I set off the air bag.

And then she leaned over real close
to play with the... paddles.

The what?

The paddle shifters
on the steering wheel.

I had another picture entirely.

But I restrained myself.

I walked away,
and now I can still look Teddy in the eye.

That's great.

But how come you have no problem
looking me in the eye...

...after sleeping with my wife's sister,
my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer...

...and my old receptionist?

I like Teddy.

- And the receptionist was your fault.
- How?

If you'd paid her a decent salary,
she wouldn't have had to hook.

I brought the Bentley.

Come on, Courtney. I told you I can't.

Just one little test drive.
What do you have to lose?

Well, there's my integrity, my self
respect, my relationship with your father...

Give me the damn keys.

Is your brother still in bed
with his sister?

Stepsister.

To-be.

And yes.

Wow, how long has it been?

About 18 hours.

Good thing he's got supplies up there.

- He does?
- Sure.

Water, power bars, fresh batteries, rope.

Oh, like an earthquake kit.

I guess you could use that stuff
for earthquakes.

Oh, crap.

Misdirected anger. You'll get used to it.

- What are you guys doing here?
- We came to talk with you and Charlie.

Didn't he tell you?

He never tells me anything. I don't know
half of what he does nor do I want to.

It's his life and he alone should suffer
the consequences. Come on in.

- Is he even home?
- I'll check.

Why don't you make yourselves
comfortable...

...and I'll check.

Because I have no idea.

So I'll need to check.

Is he on something?

If only.

What?

Teddy and Mom are downstairs.

- What the hell are they doing here?
- Apparently, you invited them.

- I did not.
- Yes, you did.

On the phone, remember? Hey, Alan.

Hi, Courtney, how are you doing?
Charlie, they're waiting.

Yeah, we got a problem here.

No, sir, you've got a problem.
I made no promise, I broke no promise.

- You actually made a promise?
- Yeah.

- And I really tried to keep it.
- He did.

I could sense his inner conflict as we
did it in the back seat of the Bentley.

Look, just stall them. I'll be right down.

Fine. But know this,
I am not taking the fall for you.

- How could you take the fall for me?
- I don't know.

But it always seems to work out
that when you get laid, I get screwed.

Just go.

- Great. Just great.
- Hey, have you seen my dress?

- Why?
- I ain't going down like this.

You're not going down at all.

Why not?
I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Here, hit rewind.
I'm sure you'll find something.

I just can't believe he's still in bed.

He's a drunk, Mom.
That's what they do.

Oh, come on, Evelyn,
give the kid a break.

He was probably out late last night
sowing wild oats.

He's 40 years old,
he has no more wild oats.

Just warmed-over cream of wheat.

Hey, hey, look who's here.

Well, thanks for interrupting
your stupor and joining us.

I can get back to my stupor anytime.
So, what's going on?

Your mother and I wanted to
talk about the wedding.

You've got my blessing. What else?

Well, we wondered if you would mind
having the ceremony here.

Sure. Terrific.

On the deck, in here, on the beach,
wherever you want. What else?

Don't you wanna think about it?

What's to think about? It's perfect.
Have the ceremony, the reception.

Alan and I'll clear out. You can use this
place for your honeymoon. It's broken in.

The house, not Mom.

Do you have one of your
little pop tarts up there?

No, no, just my alarm.
If I'm not up by 4 in the afternoon...

...I feel like I've wasted the whole day.
Be right back.

- What do you think you're doing?
- I'm bored.

- You're bored?
- Yeah. I wanna go downstairs.

No, no, no, you can't go downstairs.
Find something else to do.

Well, I'd love to sell you a car.

Yeah, very funny.

No, I'm serious.

You wanna sell me a car now?

Or I could go downstairs.

You wouldn't.

I would.

Wait a minute.

You planned this.
You knew they were coming over today.

Well, a good salesman pays attention.

- Now, if you'll excuse me.
- Okay, okay, okay, you win.

- Give me a price on the Bentley.
- The Bentley's no longer available.

I'm thinking the Ferrari.

- I don't want a Ferrari.
- And I don't want to stay up here.

- Charlie, we're waiting.
- Coming.

Okay, fine.

But let me just say,
this is no way to treat family.

Here we go, blue eyes.

- I made it myself.
- Oh, thank you.

- Nothing for me, thanks.
- I don't recall offering.

Sorry, sorry.

So, wedding on the beach. Great.
I'll take care of everything.

- Thanks for stopping by.
- Well, there is one more thing.

- Name it.
- Well...

Excuse me.
Berta, this is a family matter.

If you only knew.

Here's the deal.

I never had any sons of my own,
just the one daughter.

- And she's great. Isn't she great, Alan?
- Well, I hardly met her.

- Me neither. I'm sure she's great.
- She's terrific.

But I've grown very fond
of the two of you.

And I'd like to ask you to stand up
with me when I marry your mother.

- Teddy, that's quite an honor.
- Yeah. I'm really touched.

Snooze button.
I must have hit the snooze button.

Excuse me.

I don't use the snooze button.
When I'm up, I'm up.

Of course, I'm not a drunk.

Are you out of your mind?

I prefer to think of myself as a go-getter.
All right, now you're gonna wanna...

...sign here, here, here,
and initial where the little flags are.

This is twice as much as the Bentley.
I can't afford this.

Well, if you need help
with the down payment...

...I'm sure I could ask my dad
to help you out. He really loves you.

Fine.

Here. And here. And here.

And here. And here.

- What's this?
- Oh, that's the extended warranty.

Just a little extra protection.

I think it's a bit late for that.

Congratulations. You now own a Ferrari.

Yippee.

Charlie.

What now?

I'm gonna need a check.

You know, this is the most
I have ever spent for sex.

But not by much.

Okay, Mom,
I guess I'll see you at the wedding.

Charlie, the wedding
isn't for six months.

Yeah, but it's bad luck
to see the bride beforehand.

Thanks again, fellas. You being a part
of this shindig means a lot to me.

Our pleasure, Teddy. Bye-bye.

Congratulations.
Once again, you get off scot-free.

Free? You think that was free?

- Charlie.
- Yeah, hey, hi.

I wanted you to know
I'm not gonna say anything...

...about you and Courtney.
They don't get along.

Okay, great. Wait, wait, wait.

You knew? How did you know?

I just noticed the car outside
with her dealer plates on it.

You couldn't have noticed that
on the way in?

- How much did she take you for?
- Don't ask.

- Well, you can't say I didn't warn you.
- Wait, wait, wait.

So you were trying to protect me?

Hey, you're a good kid.

And Courtney, well, I love her,
but she is kind of a sociopath.

Bye now.

- You know what this means, don't you?
- What?

I'm gonna need an eight-car garage.