Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 5, Episode 3 - Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo - full transcript

Jake becomes an insufferable cellphone-junkie. Tired of meaningless floozies, Charlie decides after a particularly dumb one to double-date with Alan's friend. Charlie nearly freaks out learning that Linda is a municipal judge and law professor. Soon he can't resist the challenge, even if that sets him on a bumpy course for embarrassment.

No, I think your retainer is sexy.

I do. You just gotta remember to clean it
after lunch.

Hey, Jake,
how about you and me going out-?

Okay, now I have a question for you.

If I needed a lung
and your dad needed a lung...

...who would you give your lung to?

Well, now see,
I wouldn't have to think about it.

Jake, I'm talking to you.
Don't give me the hand.

Hang on. I'm talking to a girl.

Sorry. Oh, no, that was nobody.

That's it. Time to get a new kid.

Hey, Alan,
you wanna catch a movie tonight?

Can't. I am taking a lady
to the Hollywood Bowl...

...for a romantic evening under the stars
with MichaeI Bublé...

...and three runners-up
from American Idol.

What's in the bag, a noose?

No, it's a picnic basket.
Fried chicken, bottle of merlot...

...and my autograph hound
in case I get lucky.

- Why don't you take Jake to the movies?
- No, I don't like him anymore.

Okay, then why don't you take
one of your many...?

Oh, let's call them girlfriends.

Yeah, I could...

...but, after the movie,
I bring them back here...

...after I get them here,
I get them upstairs.

After I get them upstairs,
I gotta get them to go home.

It just doesn't seem
worth the effort anymore.

It's possible you might enjoy your dates
if you went out with women...

...who are capable of using their head
other than a place to rest their ankles.

What are you saying?

Too subtle?

I'm saying you might have a better time
if you were seeing someone...

...who had a fully formed personality
or was even remotely age-appropriate.

- Define " age appropriate."
- Forty.

Are you out of your mind?

Come on, Charlie.
The woman I'm seeing now is 39.

We have a wonderful time
because we have so much in common.

We can talk, we can share,
we can laugh.

Talking, sharing and laughing is fine
but what about her ears?

- What about them?
- Ears never stop growing, Alan.

And I like a nice, taut lobe.

This conversation is over.

I will see you later.

Why do you think old ladies
wear big earrings?

To make their ears look smaller.

Like I'm the only one who's noticed.

I'd like to make a toast to my wife.

Darling, you've given me
the happiest 20 years of my life.

Why? Was she in a coma?

I can't imagine living without you.
You complete me.

Bet she's got a set of ears on her.

Oh, yeah.

You could swat flies with those things.

Hey, pal.

It's just you and me tonight, huh?

Yeah, I know how you feel.

There's a lot of fish in the sea...

...but after you catch them
and eat them, then what?

Damn straight. It's not worth the hassle.

My mistake.
Didn't know you had a date.

If you two don't have plans, why don't
you fly to the Hollywood Bowl...

...and take a crap on my brother?

Really? I dreamt about you too.
What was your dream?

We were on a train in a tunnel?

Sounds kind of boring.

It means what?

Oh, hey, you're up early.

No way.

I am not just getting home.
I couldn't sleep so I went for a walk.

Dad, a little privacy, please?

Okay, I just didn't want you to get
the wrong idea.

I'm confused. If I'm in the train,
how can I be the train?

At least he's not the tunnel.


I'm just getting in.

Yeah, I can see that.

Didn't get much sleep last night.

- And yet I feel totally rested.
- Good for you.

I mean, rested but spent.


I mean, not so much spent
as happily depleted.

- Joyously bereft of-
- I get it. You got laid.

And MichaeI Bublé's autograph.


So how was your evening?

You know, I talked to Donna about you.

- Donna?
- The woman I was with last night.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You talk, you share,
you laugh. Kiss my ass.

Anyway, turns out she has a friend
who's newly single.

- And I suggested-
- A blind date?

Forget it. Charlie Harper does not go
on blind dates.

- He doesn't?
- No, he doesn't.

Can't we ask him?

Don't bother. I know what he'll say.

Okay, but does he have to say it
in the third person?

Look, I don't need anybody to get me
dates. I can get my own dates.

But you were complaining that the
women you go out with don't fulfill you.

Donna's friend is beautiful.
She's accomplished, she's smart.

- How old is she?
- I think around 40.


- Still with the ears?
- It's not just ears.

Women that age have a lot of baggage.

Right. And you've just got a carryon.

Think about this.
What if I meet this woman?

I like her, she likes me,
we get married and settle down?

We're both 40 now.
In 20 years, I'm gonna be 60.

And do you know how old
she's gonna be?

- Sixty?
- I rest my case.

- That was nice, huh?
- I guess.

My ear's still a little soggy.


So, Deedee, is that short for anything?

- Like what?
- I don't know.

No, it's just a nickname.

- What's your real name?
- Sissy.

Sissy, huh?

I guess that means
you throw a ball like a girl.

I am a girl.


- Is Charlie short for anything?
- Charles.

That's not really shorter, is it?

Excuse me.

Why? Did you fart?

No, you hang up first.

Okay, on three.

One, two, three.

You didn't hang up, did you?
Me neither.

Okay, set it up.


The blind date with the old chick. I'm in.


- Alan, let's go.
- Relax, we've got plenty of time.

I just don't wanna be late.

I can't believe it.
You're nervous about a date.

Of course I'm nervous.
What am I gonna talk to her about?

I haven't gone out with
a 40-year-old woman since high school.

Charlie, that's the great thing about
seeing someone your own age.

There's always something to talk about.

What you've been through,
she's been through.

Oh, I hardly think so.

All right, point taken.
But she's a fascinating woman.

She's a municipaI court judge,
she teaches law at UCLA.

Oh, man, you didn't tell me that.

- Does that make a difference?
- Big difference.

The smarter the girl, the harder it is
to blow smoke up her ass.

You know, I'm already regretting this.

And for good reason.
Let's just call it off.

No, no, no, it's too late for that.

Just relax and, I don't know,
be yourself.

And by " yourself,"
I mean someone else entirely.

Anything else?

Well, as long we've opened
this particular can of worms... might wanna rethink
the bowling shirt.

- Why?
- Well, as I said...

...she's a judge and a law professor.

And, let's be honest, you don't bowI.

All right, I'll go change.

- And Charlie?
- Yeah?

While you're at it, why don't we go
for the big-boy pants.


- Oh, there they are.
- Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Which one's mine?

- The one on the right.
- Wow, she's 40?

She has the ears of a 20-year-old.

Come on.

You think she had them done?

Sorry we're late.
Charlie couldn't decide what to wear.

Oh, I think he looks very nice.

- Thank you.
- Charlie, this is Donna.

- Hi, how are you?
- Hi.

This is my friend, Linda.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.

- I've heard a lot about you.
- And I've heard a lot about you too.

And, I gotta say,
I am pleasantly surprised.

Really? How so?

Well, Alan tells me
you're a judge and a professor...

...and, quite frankly,
I wasn't expecting someone so....

So, what, Charlie?


That was wrong, wasn't it?

Yes, that was wrong.

What I meant was,
I was expecting you to be...

...more, you know, dry.

But you're not.
You're actually kind of moist.

Oh, good Lord.

You know what? You know what?
I think I'd like to start over.

- Hi, I'm Charlie.
- Linda.

Hi, Linda.

I gotta tell you,
I have never met a judge before.

You know, voluntarily.

- Better?
- Anything's better than " moist."

So how do you and Donna
know each other?

Oh, well, we met in the church choir.

We found our kids
were in the same preschooI.

Next thing, we're on the carnival
committee, doing the bake sale.

Which reminds me, I'm supposed to be
snack mom next Tuesday.

- Can you switch?
- No problem.


I got nothing.

Hey, hey. Why don't we order
some drinks?

- Just iced tea for me.
- Me too.

- Charlie, you want iced tea?
- Why on Earth would I want iced tea?

Because you don't drink alcohol
during the daytime.

Oh, right, of course not.

Iced tea, rocks, water back.

- Excuse me, miss?
- Yes, can I help-? Charlie?

Oh, hey. Hi.

- How come you never called me?
- Well....

Funny story. Long story.

Tell you later.

- Can we get four iced teas, please?
- I'll be right back.

- Old friend?
- Yeah, you know, church choir, bake sale.

You may not wanna drink the iced tea.

You know, Alan, I gotta hand it to you,
Linda is really something.

Yeah, yeah. She's terrific.

- But let me ask you something.
- Sure.

What in God's name possessed you
to talk about pornography?

- Hey, she started it.
- She wasn't talking about pornography.

She was talking about constitutionaI law
and the First Amendment.

- Which includes pornography.
- Yes, it does.

But it does not include
your favorite actresses, top 10 DVDs...

...or your beefs
about the bonus features.

I just pointed out that the bloopers,
though funny...

...are really more of a turnoff.

Hello? Yeah, yeah. Hi, Donna.

Charlie and I were just talking
about what a nice time we had.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Ask her if Linda likes me.

Hang on. You're kidding, right?

Come on, chicks talk to each other.

Donna, would you please tell my brother
what you just told me?


Hey, Donna. Talk to me.

I see. Okay, well,
thanks for the heads up.

Linda didn't like me.

Go figure.

I told her not to drink the iced tea.

That's what I heard.
Danny Sholander likes Jennifer Denapoli.


Really? He's gay?

Does he know that?

You gotta get me another crack at her.

- What?
- I need to see her again.

- See who?
- Linda. I can't let it end this way.

- Let what end? It was a lunch.
- No, no, no. It was more than a lunch.

It was a test. Is Charlie Harper capable
of stepping up to quality women?

Oh, God, we're back to third person.

Alan, I am tired of having
meaningless sex with hot pinheads.

What a coincidence.
I'm tired of hearing about it.

Linda's smart, Linda's sophisticated,
Linda's successfuI.

- Linda doesn't like you.
- She will. I can make her.

You just need to tell Donna to tell Linda
to give me another chance.

Fine, I'll pass her a note
during study hall.

Hey, hey, hey,
don't belittle my feelings.

I'm in a very sensitive place
and I will kick your ass.

Look. Come on, Charlie. So you
struck out with a woman. It happens.

Believe me, it happens.

When it does, the best thing to do
is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off...

...and curse God for making you
the way you are.

All right, forget it. I don't need you.
I'll call her myself.

Sorry about the " curse God" stuff...

...but we both know
I'm not your best work.

Yeah, hi, can I speak
to Judge Linda Harris please?

Charlie Harper.

Yes, again.

All right, fine,
put me through to voice mail.

Banging a judge won't get you out
of jury duty. Believe me, I've tried.

No, no, no. Quiet.

Yeah, hi, Linda. It's Charlie again.

I just want you to know
that this will be my last message.

I figure three's a charm,
four is a restraining order.

Look who I'm telling.

Anyway, I know we didn't get off
on the right foot.

I'm not used to spending time with
such a remarkable, accomplished woman.

Keep shoveling.

And it's true. I've lived
a certain kind of life up until now.

I'm not saying that I'm proud of it,
but I'm not ashamed of it either.

Why else would you have videotaped
most of it?

I'm begging you.

So if you wanna call me back,
call me back.

If not, well, have a nice life.

But it would be a nicer life
if you called me.

Wow, I never thought
I'd see Charlie Harper on his knees.

You know, figuratively.

Can we please talk about me
in the first person?

What's this broad got that's so special?

- A brain.
- What are you gonna do with a brain?

It doesn't matter. She'll never call me.

Oh, don't talk like that.

Because she's smart and successfuI
doesn't mean...

...she's not damaged enough
to go out with you.

Thanks, Berta. That means a lot.


No, Jake's not here.
Try him at his mom's house.

- Where you going?
- I don't know.

Someplace where the bottles are full
and the women are empty.

And skies are not cloudy all day

Fifty-dollar fine, time served.
Call the next case.

Case number 1217-07.

Charles Harper, charged with drunk
and disorderly, resisting arrest.


Oh, hey.

Small world, huh?

Approach the bench, please.

Excuse me. I think this is personal.

Please tell me you did not get yourself
arrested just so you could see me.

You got me.

Charlie, what am I going to do with you?

Have dinner with me. Otherwise,
we're looking at a crime spree here.

All right, one dinner.

- Now step back.
- Yes, ma'am.

- How do you plead?
- Guilty, Your Honor.

- Is this a first offense?
- Yes.

- All right, $500 fine.
- Five hundred dollars? Last time-

- Last time?
- Thank you, Your Honor.

- Next case.
- Case number 1217-08.

- Heidi Jones, charged with solicitation.
- Hey, Charlie.

- Thanks for picking me up, Alan.
- Where's your car?

- Good question.
- Oh, Charlie....

Yeah, we just got my uncle out of jail.
It was cool. I saw a real pimp.

- Well, I hope you learned a lesson here.
- I sure did.

- What was that lesson?
- If a woman won't return your calls...

...get drunk, get arrested,
then lie through your teeth.

That's it? That's what you learned?

Well, also, if your cellmate wants your
bologna sandwich, just give it to him.

Okay, I'll be your pimp
if you'll be my beyotch.

- Jake, that's enough with the phone.
- Nobody. What were you saying?


I'd have kept the phone
and tossed the kid.