Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 5, Episode 13 - The Soil is Moist - full transcript

Not only did that movie suck,
it blew chunks, bit the big one. . .

. . .and then came back
and sucked again.

-Did you pay for it?
-Yeah.

With an hour and a half of my childhood
that I'll never get back.

Hey, I've seen your childhood.
It's not a big loss.

-You said you wanted to see it.
-It was rated R.

But there wasn't a single boob in it.

-You were there.
-Oh, my God.

I know, and he talks to me that way
all the time.

That's Cynthia Sullivan.

Who is Cynthia Sullivan?



-She and her husband used to be friends.
-Yeah, so?

I haven't seen her
since Judith and I split.

I don't know if I should say hello.
They took Judith's side in the divorce.

Wait a minute.
We're allowed to take sides?

Nobody told me. Is it too late?

That's not funny, Charlie.

He's very hurtful to everybody,
and for no reason.

Alan?

Oh, hey, Cynthia.

-Hi.
-Wow, what a nice surprise.

-How are you?
-Just great.

It's been a long time.

Hi, Jake. Look how big you're getting.

It's called puberty.



It's called doughnuts.

Doughnuts don't make hair.

Cynthia, this is my brother, Charlie.

-Hello.
-Hi.

Cynthia and her husband
were friends with me. . .

. . .back when we were,
you know, me and Judith.

-And when we were me and Bill.
-You're not with Bill anymore?

No. We decided to finally stop
kidding ourselves.

-You know how it is.
-I do.

No, you don't.

Of course I do.

-Did you get the house in the divorce?
-Yes.

Not sleeping
on your brother's Hide-A-Bed?

-No.
-You don't know how it is.

Again, completely unmotivated.

Well, okay. It was really nice
to see you again, Alan.

-We should get together sometime.
-Yeah, that would be nice.

Nice meeting you. Bye, Jake.

-You dog.
-What?

Oh, come on, the full-frontal hug,
the "let's get together. "

Isn't that like soccer mom talk
for "Do me in the cul-de-sac"?

-What are you snickering at?
-Oh, tell me that's not dirty.

Go get us a table. Come on.
Charlie, you don't understand.

She and her husband
were our best friends for like 10 years.

We traveled together.
We spent vacations together.

And you never fantasized
about boinking her?

She was Judith's friend.
I was her husband's friend.

Of course I did.

Yeah, hi. Two regular coffees, please.

And one chocolate crappuccino
with whipped cream and sprinkles.

Well, here's your chance
to fulfill your fantasy.

-Oh, no, no, I couldn't.
-Why not?

I don't wanna upset Judith.
They're still friends.

Alan, the fact that you're still
drawing breath upsets Judith.

I couldn't go out with Cynthia
without clearing it with her.

I am not whipped.
What if the positions were reversed?

Like Judith was single
and wanted to date you?

I would certainly want her to check
with me before I, you know. . .

. . .blew my brains out.

Is that all it would take?
What's her number?

-Where did you get that?
-I found it on the table.

Oh, Jake.

It's okay. I'm eating on the side
without teeth marks.

Puberty, my ass.
That's a missing chromosome.

No, I'm pretty sure it's a bear claw.

-Hey, honey, how was--?
-Not now. I gotta go to the bathroom.

Please tell me
you didn't let him eat a lot of crap.

Let him? Judith, our son is a billy goat.

I wouldn't be surprised
if he's in there pooping out tin cans.

-Lovely.
-Oh, wait, Judith.

-I wanted to ask you something.
-What?

Well, we were just having coffee,
and I happened to run into--

Charlie, can you give us a minute?

No, I wanna watch this.

-Why?
-I think it might amuse me.

Yeah, well,
seek amusement elsewhere.

Fine. I'll go talk to Herb.

Of all Judith's husbands,
he's my favorite anyway.

You know, Jake's right. Sometimes
you can be hurtful for no reason at all.

So who did you run into?

-Oh, Cynthia Sullivan.
-Okay. So?

Well, I know you're still friends,
and I was wondering. . .

. . .if you'd be okay if I asked her out.

-Fine.
-Really?

Sure. You're both adults.
You're both single. . .

. . .and, most importantly,
she won't go out with you.

-How do you know?
-I know.

Has she said something to you?

No, but you're not her type.

-Oh, really? What is her type?
-Well, like her ex-husband.

Smart, funny, sensitive, good-looking.

-And that's not me?
-No, no. You can be funny.

Okay, okay. But if she did agree
to go out with me. . .

-. . .you'd be okay with that?
-But she won't.

-But if she did? She might.
-She won't. She won't.

You know, Charlie's not the only one
who can be hurtful for no reason.

You know, Herb,
that is a fine, fine hat.

Gotta wear it.
Otherwise, I freckle like a banana.

Well, I wouldn't want your banana
to get freckled.

-Let's go, Charlie.
-Hang on, hang on.

We're having a real interesting
conversation here.

Hey, Herb, tell Alan what you told me
about how you plant seeds.

Well, first I make sure
the soil is moist.

And tell him how you do that.

Well, I just stick my finger
into old mother earth.

If it comes up dry, I just whip out
my hose and give it a good spritz.

And then?

And then I carefully plant the seed
in the soil.

Carefully? Why carefully?

Because if you just fling
that stuff around, half of it's wasted.

You hear that, Alan? If you fling
your seed around, it gets wasted.

-Fascinating. Let's go.
-Now hold on, hold on.

How do you feel about bushes, Herb?

Well, I like a full bush.

The way God intended.

I like them trimmed.

-What about you, Alan?
-We're going. Bye, Herb.

Bye, fellas.

-Why do you do that to him?
-It amuses me.

Oh, oh, great.
So I will pick you up tonight at 7.

Yeah, yeah,
I'm really looking forward to it.

Okay, okay. Bye.

Yes.

Judith said Cynthia wouldn't go out
with me, and she was wrong, so:

-Look, I told you she'd go out with you.
-And you were right, sir.

I ignore you at my own peril. . .

. . .when it comes
to women, liquor and venereal disease.

Then listen to me now.

Be prepared for sex tonight.

Sex? It's a first date.

Not really. You and Cynthia
are old friends. You know each other.

You like each other.
You might as well smell like each other.

-No, I don't think so. Not Cynthia.
-Not Cynthia?

Alan, the woman's pushing 40.
She's coming off a divorce.

And praying that her looks hold out
so she can snag some loser. . .

. . .she wouldn't have been
caught dead with five years ago.

Oh, boy, I'm getting laid tonight.

-I'm saying.
-I wish I could rub Judith's nose in this.

That would be a huge:

Don't worry. Judith will find out.

-Are you gonna tell her?
-No.

Would you?

Alan, Cynthia will tell her.

-Oh, right, right, they're friends.
-More importantly, they're women.

You know how they are:

They tell each other everything.

Trust me, it'll be like Judith is watching
every move you make tonight.

Every move?

-So bring your A game.
-Right, right.

What if I don't have an A game?

You better find one, because you don't
wanna get yanked off the mound.

-Where you going?
-To warm up the old pitching arm.

-I'm using a metaphor.
-So am I.

Oh, Alan, I have fantasized about this
for so long.

Me too. Ever since
we all went to Disney World. . .

. . .and you wore that white T-shirt
on Splash Mountain.

Are you sure this isn't going too fast?

Not a chance.
I've been warming up all afternoon.

Oh, real smooth, Alan.

Go, ahead. I'm just gonna sit here
and watch every move you make.

Oh, Alan, that was remarkable.

Remarkable good, right?

Oh, yeah.

I have to admit, I was a little worried
that this might be awkward.

How come?

Well, I mean, you know,
I am friends with Judith.

-We do talk.
-No kidding.

Well, the next time you talk,
be sure to use the word "remarkable. "

Oh, Alan, look, I'm not like that.
I mean, I believe in discretion.

Really? I think it's overrated.

-Go ahead. Tell her.
-No.

I wish
Judith had a little more discretion.

What do you mean?

Well, she just goes on and on
about her sex life with Herb.

Big Bird's pretty boring, huh?

No. I mean, the way she tells it,
he is an amazing lover.

Yeah, that's what I thought-- Wait.

Wait, wait.
Herb Melnick is an amazing lover?

Yeah. She said he was the best
that she's ever had.

No. No.

That can't possibly be right.

How can that be?

Well, apparently, he's just. . . .

No, I can't go into that.

Sure, you can. Go ahead.

No. You know, it wouldn't be right.

I'm sorry. Just forget I said anything.

Best she's ever had.

Oh, Herb,
you're the best I've ever had.

-Morning.
-Morning.

So how'd it go last night?

You were right. We had sex.

Then why the long face, Seabiscuit?

You're so much better than
the only other man I've ever been with.

I've just got something on my mind.

Like what?

I had no idea what I was missing.

Forget it.

-Oh, come on. What's bothering you?
-Nothing. I'm fine.

Oh, come on.

Come on, what?

In what universe is Herb Melnick
a better lover than me?

Herb Melnick?

I thought you had sex with Cynthia
last night.

I did, but you know what she told me?

That Judith told her that Herb
was the best lover she's ever had.

How does that come up
while you're boffing Cynthia?

-What difference does it make?
-I'm just trying to picture the context.

"Oh, Cynthia,
I am so turned on right now.

I wonder how Herb does it to Judith. "

No, it wasn't like that.

Okay, was it like,
"Golly, you have firm buttocks.

You know who else has a nice ass?
Herb Melnick"?

I didn't bring up the subject
of Herb's sexual prowess. Cynthia did.

Oh, that's never a good sign.

Fifteen years Judith and I were together.
Twelve years of marriage. . .

. . .and the best sex we ever had
was mediocre.

If you were having bad sex,
why did you marry her?

What kind of stupid question is that?
I told you, we were having sex.

But she never enjoyed it.
Certainly never sought it out.

Then Herb Melnick comes along
with his tousled hair and goofy charm. . .

. . .and lights her up
like an all-night liquor store.

So you're saying
Farmer Herb's tilling soil. . .

. . .you couldn't even get your hoe into.

-My hoe?
-Yeah. You know, with an E? Hoe.

-Fine, yes.
-And it's bothering you to know. . .

. . .that night after night
he's planting a tree in Israel.

By Israel, I mean, Judith.

-Yes.
-And by tree, I mean--

I know what you mean. Okay, I get it.
God, why do you do this to me?

Haven't I made that clear?
It amuses me.

It's driving me nuts. I mean,
what's his secret? How does he do it?

Maybe he's got a big trouser monkey.

-You been listening this whole time?
-Wouldn't you?

You think she's right?
You think he's just well-endowed?

He could be.
He's, what, 6"4', got big hands.

If everything is proportional. . .

. . .I'm guessing
he could ring doorbells with that thing.

-You're not helping.
-I rarely do.

Oh, Alan, you're looking at this
the wrong way.

What do you mean?

Well, you're seeing your ex-wife
as half-empty.

-But with Herb in the picture--
-Shut up.

Oh, get a room.

-Oh, Alan.
-Oh, Cynthia.

Oh, Herb.

Hey, buddy.

-Okay, okay, I can't do this.
-Oh, well, what's the matter?

I gotta know. What makes Herb
the best Judith's had?

I thought we settled this.

Yeah, but it's driving me crazy.
Is it just physical endowment?

What?

You know, can he put a hat on it
and drive in the carpool lane?

I am not gonna repeat
what a friend said to me in confidence.

Don't give me that. You're a woman.
That's all you guys do:

You know what I think?
I think that you're still not over Judith.

Oh, please. I don't care about Judith.

I can't
wrap my head around Herb's penis.

Okay. I just realized
why your marriage ended.

-Why?
-Something is very wrong with you.

Oh, that.

I think you should go home.

-But you said I was remarkable.
-Get out.

Fine.

Okay. I'll see you guys at home.

-Hey, fellas.
-Hey.

-Here to pick up Jake?
-Yeah.

-Another weekend with the boy.
-Gonna take him to the movies.

Oh, okay.

-Well, he's waiting for you.
-Great, great.

Yeah, come on, Alan.

-I didn't see anything. Did you?
-Nothing jumped out at me.

I just don't get it. What is his secret?

-Maybe he doesn't have a secret.
-What do you mean?

I mean, you didn't set the bar too high
to begin with.

It's like Judith spent 15 years living
on peanut butter and jelly.

If someone comes along
and offers bologna. . .

. . .she's gonna think
it's a steak sandwich.

Jake, your father's here.

So I'm sorry to hear
about you and Cynthia.

-She told you.
-Of course she told me. We're friends.

Did she happen to mention the word
"remarkable"?

No, but she did say
she didn't think you were over me.

-Oh, he's over you. Right, Alan?
-Right.

But what's the deal with Herb's junk?

-What?
-Nothing, nothing.

-Hey, Dad.
-Hey, buddy, let's go. Bye, Judith.

-Real subtle.
-Sometimes you just gotta ask.

-See you on Sunday, Herb.
-Okay, have a good weekend.

Wow, look at him go.

Okay, mystery solved.

Good for you. Never too late to learn.