Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 5, Episode 11 - Meander to Your Dander - full transcript

Jake's overt shallowness is insufferable even for Charlie, and taking him along to a restaurant as diversion proves a painful mistake. Alan can only admit he and his latest bedmate have overstayed their sexual interest to his brother. He takes the master's advice on how to dump himself, aware of risks. He dodges them all except an accidental hot coffee pouring were it hurts most, but ends up the looser and feels hurt even worse when a surprising third party arrives.

Well, that was just lovely.

I do aim to please.

And after last time,
I appreciate the aiming.

Hey, we made good time.
I can let the babysitter go early.

The key is efficient foreplay.

Minimal attention to each breast
before I meander to your dander.

- Spoon?
- Sure.

And switch.

- That was fun.
- It always is.

Okay, well, drive safe.

- I always do.
- I know, I'm just a worrier.

I know you are.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

I get more tongue from my butcher.

I'm sorry, did you consider
making your presence known?

Clear your throat, maybe a little cough?

I wanted to vomit, but I was
afraid it might break the mood.

Hey, hey. Postcoital kissing
is always more platonic.

- Is it?
- Yes, because, well...

...we both know
where our mouths have been.

I see.

But in the bedroom,
there was a lot of saliva...

...and heat, and friction,
believe you me.

- Really?
- Yes, really.

It may not have been
crazy, hot, monkey sex... when we first started dating.

But it was very much in the
general category of jungle humping.

- Jungle humping?
- Yes.

Maybe not tree swinging...

...but certainly canoodling
on some low-hanging branches.

You poor bastard.

Don't you dare feel sorry for me.

This is what an adult relationship
looks like, Charlie.

People get comfortable with each other
and develop a routine.

And if it's not always fireworks
and explosions...

...well, that's a reasonable trade
for a warm, collegial partnership.

You poor, poor bastard.

This conversation is over.

If only.

Okay, it's boring. It's suffocating.

It's a deathwatch,
but what choice do I have, Charlie?

Pretend I'm you? I'm not you.

I'm monogamous, settle-down guy
who hangs onto a relationship...

...until I'm looking at divorce papers
or the pointy end of a steak knife.

Oh, that's a load of crap.

You're afraid if you let go of these
broads you're never gonna get laid again.

Didn't I just say that?

Boxing sucks.

As always,
you're entitled to your stupid opinion.

Why are you making it personal?
I didn't make it personal.

In Ultimate Fighting, they kick, elbow.

They get a guy down
and smash his head in the floor.

These guys just dance around
and barely hit each other.

Okay, okay, listen to me.

Boxing is a science.

Boxers don't just
whale on each other...

...they strategize, feel each other out,
wait for an opening.


And what's with the little pillows
on their hands?

Even if they hit each other,
it wouldn't hurt.

Oh, does that hurt?

- Yeah.
- Good.

- Hey, what are you doing?
- Uncle Charlie hit me.


- Where have you been?
- I'll tell you later.

Tell him now, I got better things to do.

You promised he'd grow on me.

I lied.

- So where were you?
- Well, I thought about what you said...

...and I went over to Donna's house
to break up with her.

- I'm proud of you.
- Thanks.

I'm gonna meet her parents
next weekend.

- But you just said...
- I know, but I couldn't do it.

I'm not capable
of rejecting another human being.

Wow, I'd think after all these years,
you'd wanna get even.

I am in trouble here, Charlie.

How do I get out of a stagnant,
joyless relationship?

If I knew how to do that,
you wouldn't still be living here.

Okay, first... gotta get your mind right.
- How do I do that?

Close your eyes
and imagine a parallel world...

...where there's an Alan Harper
exactly like you.

Except he's got a set of balls.

- You wanna help me here or not?
- Hey, it's gotta be fun for me too.

Fine. We'll just assume
that your mind is right.

Now, before you do the actual dumping,
there's a few things you gotta consider.

Like what?

Does she have embarrassing photographs
that could wind up on the Internet...

...if she takes it badly?

I'm not sure.

What do you mean?

Well, there's one of me naked,
but I'm wearing a mask and a cape.

- I thought the sex was mundane.
- Sadly, it still was.

Whatever, she can't use the picture.

Does she have your
credit card information?

- No.
- Don't answer so quickly.

I once handed a date my Visa
so she could pump gas for me...

...and on my next statement
there were charges...

...for a boob job and a PlayStation 3.

And I never got to play
with either one of them.

You made your date pump gas?

I liked the song that was on the radio.

But back to the topic at hand.
Does she own any chick weapons?

Chick weapons?

You know, little guns, Tasers,
pepper spray.

Well, there's a baseball bat
by her front door...

...but I think that's for intruders.

Yeah, I've made that mistake too.

Okay. Let's talk about
the where, when and how.

Where: Always break up in public place.
That way you avoid having a scene.

- That makes sense.
- When:

Before the desert menu comes out.
Otherwise, you can find yourself...

...with a lap full of hot coffee,
which is not as fun as it sounds.

That doesn't sound fun.

It sounds fun if you're
wearing a couple of doughnuts.

Moving on to how.

What you wanna convey... your undying affection and
gratitude for your time spent together...

...coupled with your need for space
to find out who you really are.

- But that's crap.
- It's all crap.

You know it, she knows it,
everybody knows it.

All we're trying to do... keep her from taking batting
practice on your kidneys.

Why would she go for my kidneys?

Because you'll be running away
covering your head.

Okay, okay. So I take her to dinner,
and then before the coffee comes...

...I tell her that
while I have strong feelings for her...

...I need time to find out
who I really am.


Maybe I could throw in some stuff about
how I'm still reeling from my divorce.

Don't improvise.
You don't have the chops for it.

- Sorry.
- No problem.

- I do appreciate the advice.
- You're very welcome.

A mask and a cape,
and the sex was boring?

What can I say?
She still knew it was me.

How do I look?

What difference does it make?
You're breaking up.

I don't want my clothes to say
"come hither."

Don't worry. As always, they say
"your regular teacher is sick."

- Are we clear on everything I told you?
- Yes.

I'm gonna go to her house, pick her up,
take her to the restaurant...

Pick her up?
You're supposed to meet her there.

- Why?
- What do you mean, why?

You're gonna break up with her
and then drive her home?

You'll need the Jaws of Life
to get her out of your car.

- You didn't say anything about that.
- It's common sense.

Do you know why Custer and Sitting Bull
didn't share a pony to Little Bighorn?

They knew
there were gonna be hurt feelings...

...and the ride home
would be awkward.

- I'm just gonna call her and reschedule.
- No, no, no, you're not.

Here's what you do.

You're gonna pick her up,
have a nice dinner... her home
and walk her to her door.

- What if she asks me in?
- No, never go inside.

Everything in her house
is a potential weapon.


I was once blinded for two days
by potpourri.

So you just walk her to her door...

...take her by the hand...

...and tell her
that you've had wonderful times...

...and those are the memories
you will cherish.

You know, we did have
wonderful times.

Hiking in Catalina,
go-carting in Oxnard...

...Oktoberfest in Rosemead.

What a day that was.
Sharing bratwurst and sauerkraut...

...while listening
to the battle of the oompah bands.

Oh, God.
Do you think I'm making a mistake?

No, no, no. The mind plays tricks on us.
It only remembers the good times.

Or in your case,
the creepy, pathetic times.

- But I still...
- Don't worry, Alan.

There'll be other broads
to share your bratwurst with.

You're right, I have to do this.

But wait, what...?
What if she starts crying?

You hold her in your arms, whisper
that this is best for both of you...

...then turn around
and walk away like a man.

Unless you hear a distinct
metallic click, then zigzag and roll.

Hi. Come on in.

That's okay, I'm kind of hungry.
Let's just go.

Well, actually,
I thought we could stay in tonight.

- Really?
- I'm making fondue.

- Come on.
- Oh, goody.

Hot cheese and long, sharp forks.

This movie is stupid.

This movie is a classic.

It's been 40 minutes and we
haven't even seen the shark yet.

That's because they're building suspense,
letting you use your imagination.

You know what I'm imagining?
A better movie.

- It's a classic, Jake.
- I'll tell you what's a classic.

Snakes on a Plane.

First, you're in an airplane,
which is scary to begin with...

...and then it's all filled with snakes.

And they're everywhere.

They're in the overhead compartments,
in the bathrooms, in the vomit bags.

You need to throw up,
open the bag, snake.

Sounds gripping.



- That's it. We're out of here.
- Where are we going?

Someplace public, where killing you
would get me in trouble.



- Great fondue, Donna.
- Glad you liked it.

Oh, don't forget
to put away the little forks.

Thanks. Be right back.

Oh, good Lord.

We've had wonderful times together,

And those are memories
I will always cherish.

- What?
- Nothing.

The potpourri.

I made coffee.

- Hot coffee?
- Well, yeah.

Of course it's hot.

Oh, my. That is potentially scalding.

- Blow on it, silly.
- Yes, blowing.

You blow too.

So listen, Donna, there's something
we really need to talk about.

- What's that?
- Well, I was wondering.

Are you completely happy
in this relationship?

- Oh, good, then it's not just me.
- What do you mean?

Well, I enjoy spending time with you...

...but, honey, I kind of feel
like we're getting a little stale.

Really? I thought it was going great.

Come on, Alan. Our sex life is pathetic.
We're just going through the motions.

Well, now, hold on.
Those motions are tried and true.

Call it whatever you want.
Tried and true, dull and listless.

I wanna call it tried and true.

All I know is every time we get in bed,
it's the same old thing.

The same old thing?
What about the mask and cape?

It was the same old thing
in a mask and cape.

Please don't take it personally.

Oh, no. How can I possibly
take it personally?

- You're just telling me I'm a lousy lay.
- No, I didn't mean lousy.

I meant uninspired, lackluster,

- Okay.
- Tedious, mind-numbing, boring...

All right, that's it.
Come upstairs with me.

I will show you tedious,
mind-numbing and boring.

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

- Hot, hot, hot.
- What can I do?

I don't know, just do something.

How can you say this is boring?

Wait till you try this.
It's the best pizza in town.

- Says who?
- They put a flyer on Mom's windshield.

It said "best pizza in town."

Jake, let me give you
a little culinary advice.

Any restaurant
that advertises on windshields...

...and has a guy dressed as a hoagie
is probably not the best in town.

He wasn't a hoagie, he was a calzone.

- Amazing.
- What?

How can a kid with such
lousy taste in pizza and movies...

...have such good taste in girls?

- She is kind of cute.
- Why don't you go talk to her?

I don't know what to say.

That's never stopped you
from running your mouth before.

- What about her mom?
- Just stick with the daughter for now.

- No, I mean...
- I know what you mean.

Tell you what. I'll be your wingman.

I'll go over
and engage the mom in conversation.

Then after I grease the wheels,
I'll give you a signal.

You saunter over and work your magic.

- Saunter?
- Walk.

Well, then just say walk.
You don't have to make up words.

Wait, what's the signal?

- I don't know, I'll give you a thumbs up.
- That's not much of a signal.

All right, how about I just wave my arms
and say, "Yo, dumb-ass."

Let's go with the thumb.

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

I'm sorry to interrupt your dinner, but
I'm sitting over there with my nephew...

- Now?
- No, not now.

- Dumb-ass.
- Now?


Anyway, he's taken a bit of a shine
to your daughter...

...and it would mean the world to him
if he could come over and meet her.

That's very sweet,
and I don't wanna seem impolite...

...but this is our one-on-one time.

I understand. You should have that.
We're only talking a couple of minutes.

- Enough time to put a smile on a boy's...
- Now?


Look, I appreciate you coming over,
but I think we'll pass.

Fine. Sorry to bother you.

Real smooth.

Okay, you really gotta
help me out here.

- Sir, I'm having dinner with my daughter.
- And I am here with my nephew.

They'd rather be sitting and talking...

...than hanging out
with a couple of old farts like us.

- What did you call me?
- No, no, no. Not you, us.

I was being funny.

I don't think you're funny at all.

Well, clearly you don't know me.
I'm Charlie.

Yes, well, Charlie,
I've asked you to leave us alone.

- I understand, and I will, but...
- Honey, get me a refill.

Yo, dumb-ass. Go get a refill.

- Now?
- Yes, now.

My brother's kid's not real...

- I warned you.
- God, it's worse than the potpourri.

I see you like the diet cola.

If I may say so,
you don't need to watch your weight.

- Here you go. Clean and dry.
- Thank you, thank you.

- Are you all right?
- Oh, yeah. Little Alan's fine.

The twins got the worst of it.

Good, good.

Listen, Donna. You were right.

- This relationship is over.
- Over?

Well, what else is there to do
besides call it quits?

Oh, I thought maybe
we could take it to the next level.

Next level?

What's beyond mind-numbing,
tedious and boring?

I'll tell you what's beyond it. Death.

No, thank you. Already been married.

- But, Alan...
- I'm sorry, but it's just...

It's time we faced the truth. L...

I have no romantic feelings
for you anymore.

- None?
- None at all.

Come on, Donna.

Crying doesn't solve anything.
Believe me.

It's better to end this now
while we're still friends.

- Goodbye, my friend.
- Oh, just get out.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

- Oh, hi. You must be Alan.
- Yes.

Forget it, Georgia.
It's not gonna happen.

What's not gonna happen?

I thought I could spice up our
relationship with a three-way.

A three-way?

But I didn't realize you had
no romantic feelings for me at all.

Now, hang on.

I think you may have misinterpreted
my remarks.

Oh, honey. I'm here for you.

Now, see, you really need to be
more clear about what you meant... taking it to the next level.

See, I'm fine with this.

- This could help.
- Oh, go to hell.

Was the friend good-Iooking?


Sounds like you blew what could have
been the best night of your life.

The best night? No, no.
That was the night Jake was born.

You have a three-way
the night Jake was born?

Okay, I blew the best night of my life.

Well, don't worry. You'll have
another opportunity someday.

- How do you figure?
- You may have to wait a few decades.

But I hear the ratio of gals to geezers
in senior-living facilities is two-to-one.

Imagine the progress they'll have made
in boner pills by that time.

Are you staring at me?

Because it feels like
you're staring at me.