Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 5, Episode 10 - Kinda Like Necrophilia - full transcript

Alan finds out that Charlie stole his girlfriend in high school, so he sets out to even the score.

oh, yeah.

I am a finely tuned machine.


Oh, hello.

Are you a friend of charlie's?

I'm his brother...

so no.

I am Gabrielle.

Oh, nice to meet you.I'm Alan.

Or as you would say "Elan".

" Why would I say that?

No reason.I'm a little dehydrated.

So, you are a "see-klist.

" A what?

A see-klist?

You know with
your "bee-see-kel.

" Oh, yes, yes-- I'm
very passionate about...


I even have a stationary "see-kel.

" Ah.

I also jog and ab
crunch and of course...

"les buns of steel.

" Tres bien.

Au revoir.

Au revoir.

nice, huh?

Nice?She's magnificent.

You should see her naked.

Can I?

Well, I could show you some pictures, but
you may not want to see that much of me.

Just out of curiosity, where
do you find women like that?

And more importantly, how do you
get them to go to bed with you?

You really want to know?

Yeah, what's your secret?

Well, you see, alan, it's like this.

I got a knack.

That's not a secret.

I didn't think so, but you asked.

So that's it?You've got a knack?

Hey, everybody's good at something.

You, for instance...

have no shame.

Excuse me, this is what they
wear in the tour de france.

Alan, I just took a tour de france...

and the only thing I was
wearing was a smile and a condom.

-=D e S t o=-
proudly presents
Season5 Episode10

hi, Judith.Hey, buddy.


What's the matter with him?

His little girlfriend broke up with him.

Oh, no.

Yeah, I was hoping
you could talk to him,

'cause let's face it, who
knows more about getting dumped?

You don't have to flatter
me, judith.I'll talk to him.

I'm sorry, that didn't
come out the way I meant it.

Really?How did you mean it?

Oh, couldn't you just
take the "I'm sorry"?

Couldn't you have just...

loved me?

Did I hear numbnuts come in?


Sorry, numbnuts junior.

If you mean my son, yes, he's here.

Aw, crap.

What are you doing?

Hiding my cookies.


Because I just bought a new bag and I
don't want that knucklehead to eat 'em all.

Oh, charlie, you hide your cookies
from a little boy who loves you?

Little boy, my ass.

He's a bottomless pit,

and I'm tired of going for a snack and
having to lick cookie dust out of the bag.

You might want to take
it easy on him today.

He's going through a bad breakup.

- Aw, really?
- Yeah.

Nope, my cookies.

so, uh...

how was school this week?


Anything noteworthy happen?


I thought you said he got dumped.

I was easing into it.

Jake, sooner or later,
every guy gets dumped.

Some guys get dumped sooner
and later, right, alan?

Sorry, I should've eased into that.

My point is you've got nothing
to be embarrassed about.

I'm not embarrassed.I'm angry.

She didn't even tell me why.

She just sent me an e-mail saying she
doesn't want to go out with me anymore.

Maybe she found somebody better.

What do you mean
better?Who's better than jake?

Why, no one, alan.

He's the pinnacle of male evolution.

Thank you.

Look, buddy, I know
exactly how you feel.

When I was your age, I was dating a
beautiful girl-- charity kirschenbaum.

I was crazy about her.

Then, the night before junior
prom, she called and dumped me.

Wouldn't even give me a
reason.I was devastated.

So what'd you do?

What could I do?

How can you mend a broken heart?

How can you stop the
rain from falling down?

You done?

Unless you want to hear "jive talkin'.

" The thing is, jake, that no
matter how bad you feel now,

eventually, it'll pass.

You just have to be willing
to live with the pain.

- No, he doesn'T.
- Yes, he does.

Hang on, dad.What do
you mean, no, I don't?

When you get dumped, you don't sit
around feeling sorry for yourself.

You go out and find
another girl.A better girl.

Okay, but how am I
gonna get another girl?

I don't know how I got this one.

You don't know how you got a girlfriend?

Yeah, I know how that goes.

You wake up in the morning and there
she is.Shut up.I know that was wrong.

Look, jake, who is the
cutest girl in your class?

Nicole o'malley.

Okay, call Nicole
o'malley and ask her out.

Are you drunk?

A little.


this is a secret that will serve
you for the rest of your life.

The hotter the girl, the lonelier she is,because
most guys are too scared to talk to her.

- Really?!
- Really?!

Trust me.

Why couldn't you have
said this 20 years ago?

Come on, dad, I wasn't
even born 20 years ago.

I really shouldn't be giving him advice
that could help him reproduce, should I?

oh, it's just you.


What are you doing?

I'm drinking some of your finest scotch
and looking at my high school yearbook.

Charity kirschenbaum.

I can't help wondering how my life
would've turned out if she hadn't dumped me.

Come on, your life turned out great.

Well, it wouldn't have
turned out any better.

You know what?

I'm gonna call her and find
out why she broke my heart.

Good thinking.

Call your high school girlfriend
drunk at 2:00 in the morning.

While you're at it, why don't you expose
yourself to an undercover policewoman?

Some people do that.

I need closure.

I need to understand why she dumped me.

What's to understand?

This is her?

This is you.

Peaches and cream complexion.




Stop me anytime.

I don't care.

I got number off the
internet and I'm calling her.

Oh, man.

Enwh're they gonna invent a
phone with a breathalyzer lock?

Shh, it's ringing.


Hello, is this charity?

Hi, charity.

This is alan harper.

Yeah, yeah, from high school.


yeah, I know it's late.

Yeah, I know I'm drunk.

Listen, I just need to
ask you one question.

Why did you dump me on the
night before the junior prom?

Okay, okay.

Okay, thanks.

Go back to sleep.

She said to ask my brother Char...arlie.

oh, that's why.



You found the stash, huh?

Wasn't well hidden.

Okay, just for the record,
that stuff's medicinal.

I've got glaucoma.

What are you talking about?




So where'd you disappear to last night?

Me?I decided to take a little drive,

give you a chance to calm down
about charity kirschenbaum.

I'm perfectly calm.


Who's charity kirschenbaum?

It's just a little thing that's
not worth getting upset about and...

hey!What the hell are you
doing with my cookies?!

They're yours?

You know they're mine.

So you're saying I took something
that belonged to you and you're upset?

Oh, come on, alan.

I loved charity kirschenbaum and you
stole her right out from under me!

He's speaking metaphorically, right?

Yeah, he was never on top of that.

I would've been, if it weren't for you.

Okay fine, I took
your girl 20 years ago.

That calls for maybe
five, six cookies, tops.

Not the whole damn bag.

I had to go to junior
prom with cousin phoebe!

She was cute.

She was 12 and in a body cast!

So what?She was your cousin.

She could have been 18 and in a cellophane
bikini, and you weren't gonna get any.

You are a horrible human being
and I hope you burn in hell!

So we're good?


We are not good!

We suck!

- freshen that up for you?
- Thanks.

You betrayed me!

I hate you!

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!

Sounds like he's going for a bike ride.

Hello, nicole o'malley?

Jake harper here.


I sit next to you in geometry class.

No, the other side.

Yeah, with the big head.

I was wondering if you would
go to the winter dance with me.


Are you sure?

Well, great.

I guess I'll see you in school.Bye.

Uncle charlie's a genius.

In a sense.

But there's book smart and nook smart.

Would you get that, berta?!


The door!

I can't hear you!

I said, would you get the door?

I can't!I'm upstairs!

Hi, judith.Jake, your mom's here!

Did you talk to him?

I did.

Hey, mom.

Hey, honey, how's it going?

Great.Uncle charlie's a genius.

Good, good.

You said you talked to him.

I did.

Then why is uncle charlie a genius?

'Cause he never got married.

Oh, that's gonna come
back to bite me in the ass.

and here it comes, jaws a-snappin'.

All right, I'm sorry!

Why are you sorry?

I just find it's easier that way.

Oh, no, he, uh, he went
out a couple of hours ago.

I've been trying to call him on
his cell but he doesn't answer.

Well, please tell him I stopped by.

Sure, sure thing.



forgive me if I'm out of line, but...


sense A...

loneliness inside you.

Is it so obvious?

I'm right?

Oh, yes, but how could you know?

We're two of a kind.

I myself have tasted the
saltiness of lonely tears.

Oh, pauvre petit.

We have much to share.

First his cookies, now his croissant.

Well, in my experience,

I've found that the more beautiful
the woman is, the lonelier she is.

Oh, that's very true.

How do you know so much about women?

What can I say?

I have a knack.


Oh, hello, charlie.

Gee, how embarrassing.

What are you talking about?

Oh, dear.This is so difficult.

Charlie, you are wonderful man,

but your brother, he
really understands me.

So, what are you saying?

It's just...


I can'T.

I can-- she's dumping
you for me.Ha-ha.

This is so awkward.I must go.Please...

forgive me.

Huh, huh?

How does it feel?

I'm stunned.

Good, good.What else?

You snaked my girlfriend?

Yes I did.I snaked her.Like a cobra.

And you did it just to hurt me?

Well, not just to hurt you.

Well, yeah--
just to hurt you.

I don't know what to say.

"I'm crushed.

" My own brother purposefully
set out to hurt me.

Oh, no.Oh, no.

You're not taking this away from me.

What about you and charity kirschenbaum?

I was 17, alan.I was a horny idiot.

But you, you're an adult.

Okay, I see where you're
going, and it's not gonna work.

You're not taking this away form me.

I really thought our relationship
had grown beyond this petty crap.

I thought I could count on you.

I thoughf you were my friend.

Son of a bitch, he took it away from me.

Oh, hey, you're here.

Where am I gonna go, alan?

You took my girl.

And-and I feel awful about that.

It doesn't matter.

It does matter.I made
a terrible mistake.

I did the worst thing
I could possibly do.

I lowered myself to your level.

You know what I mean.

I-I-I love
you.You're my brother.

I-I wouldn't hurt you for the world.

Actions speak louder than words, alan.

You're right.Okay.

Here's an action.


You bought me a bag of cookies.

Sure, that should make
up for stealing gabrielle.

How about three bags?

Have her back?

What is wrong with you?

She's not a lawnmower you borrowed.

You can't just hose off the
blades and give her back.

But...but I-I...

but nothing.

She dumped me because
she likes you better.

So, what are you going
to say to her, alan?

"I was just using you to punish charlie for
something that happened when we were kids?

" I probably wouldn't use those words.

You can't ease your conscience
about hurting me by hurting her.

So, you're saying you
want me to keep seeing her?

I'm saying I want you
to do the right thing.

Then you'll forgive me?


Then I'll forgive you.



For you...

I'll keep seeing the gorgeous woman.

Thank you.

You're welcome.


Okay, so what's the catch?


I don't know what you're talking about.

So, are you sure everything's
okay with charlie?

Oh, everything's great with
charlie; charlie's fine.


You know, like the song,
"voulez-vouz coucher avec moi ce...

" sacre bleu.


I'm ready.

Excuse me?

Go ahead.

Get it over with.

I'm, I'm not sure I follow.

Do what you have to do.




don't you want to start with some
kissing and, you know, foreplay?

No.Thank you.

How about a smile?


Actually, worse.

Could you...

close your eyes again?

Where are you going?

Uh, I have to brush my teeth.

The bathroom's that way.

Yeah, but my toothbrush
is at home.Bye-bye.

- hey.
- Hey.

How'd it go with gabrielle?

I think you know how it went.

Yeah, I do.

It's kinda like necrophilia, isn't it?

I didn't go through with it.


Guess we're different that way.


I didn't really steal
her from you, did I?


You were trying to get rid of
her the whole time, weren't you?


But I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

Thanks for helping me out with that.

Well, at least now we're even, right?

Not quite.

What do you mean?

Charity?Charity kirschenbaum?

Oh, hi, Alan.Long time no see.

Yeah.20 years.

She looks great, doesn't she?

Come on, baby.

But, but, but...

now we're even.!