Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 4, Episode 9 - Corey's Been Dead for an Hour - full transcript

Charlie finally gets fed up with Alan always weaseling his way out of picking up a bill, and it only gets worse when he discovers Alan's secret stash of money.

So, what do you want?

Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds,
popcorn and a slushy.

What are you doing,
building an ass bomb?

Pick t.

Okay, popcorn and Milk Duds.


Large popcorn.


But I'll still need a slushy

so I don't choke to death
on a Milk Dud.

All right.

And ask then to put nacho cheese
on the popcorn.

Oh, that reminds me.
I've got a date tonight.

That reminds you?

Yeah, and I'm gonna need
your help.

My help?

Hang on.

Uh, a large popcorn
with cheese,

a large slushy a a jumbo box
of Milk Duds.

You want anything?
My treat.

I'm okay.

I'll just eat whatever lands
on the kid's shirt.

You're gonna go hungry.

That's it.

So what about this date?

Well, she got a friend
visiting from out of town.

I said, "Fine," you know?

Two's company.
Three's a sandwich.

But for someeason,

she insists on her friend
having her own date.

So you're asking me?


The two of us out
making the scene

with a couple hot chicks?

Oh, Lord. Never mind.

Don't be silly.
It'll be fun.

We never double.

That's not an accident, Alan.

Come on.
Please, please, please?

All right, all right.
Save your begging
for the date.

I never beg.

I grovel.


I guess I'll have to find
a baby-sitter for Jake.

I don't need a baby-sitter.
Nothing's going to happen to me.

Who's worried about you?
I'm worrd about my house.

It's $24.50.

Whoa. Okay.

Oh, geez!


I walked out of the house
without my wallet.

Can you believe it?

Strangely enough, I can.

$24.50, please.

Hang on.
I know what happened.

Because you drove,
it didn't occur to me
to pick up my wallet.

The only reason
I drove was because

you said your car
was low on gas.

$24.50, please.

Just a minute.

You said you'd pay
for parking,

which now you won't
be able to do

because you forgot
your wallet.

Don't make
a big deal of it.

I'll pay for parking
next time.

That's what you said
last time.

Yes, but this time
I forgot my wallet.

$24.50, please.

Fine, I'll pay.

Ooh, you know what?

Why don't you throw in
a bagel dog make it an even $30?

I are leaving now.


I'm trusting you to act

and go to bed
at a reasonable hour.


You know, this is a real
turning point for you.

You're taking care
of yourself.

You're becoming a man.

You, too.

Boy, it seems
like only yesterday

that I was bringing you home
from the hospital.

You were, you were like
a little wrinkly pig with colic.

Yeah. You going or not?

You ready?

Hang on.

Good-bye, my son.

Save it for the date, Dad.

Don't burn the place down,
and if you do,

don't be here
when I get back.

He knows to drink
the cheap Scotch,

not the single malt, right?

That's not funny.

I'm not joking.

He's probably just
going to mix it

with Hawaiian Punch


Oh, God, I am so full.

I don't think I could put
another thing in my mouth.

I'll bet just a
figure of speech.

This is such a
beautiful restaurant.

They don't have anything
like this back home.

Really? They don't have
nice restaurants in Idaho?

Oh, well, yeah, I mean

we have a T.G.I. Fridays
and an Applebee's.

But you never see movie
stars like we did here.

Nina, they're just
regular people.

And technically, I wouldn't call
Geraldo Rivera a movie star.

Well, I thought
it was very exciting.

And since I'm only in town
for the weekend,

I think we should go
absotely crazy tonight.

You two like to switch dates?

Ooh, I'm up for that.

No kidding?

As long as we can
switch back.

Alan, I believe it's time
we get the check.


Check, please.

Be right back.

Whoa, whoa, where are you going?

To the lite boys' room.

He means the little cheap
bastards' room.

What's that, Charlie?


Excuse me.

Back home we just call it
"the crapper."

I thought you had
to pee.

I did. I do.

I am.

Nice girls.

Yeah, they're terrific.


No matter how you shake
and dance,

the last few drops
fall on your pants.

Maybe you shouldn't
wear khakis.


What are you doing?

What do you think
I'm doing?


This might take
a while, Charlie.

All right, let's play.

What, what
are you doing?

What do you think
I'm doing?


Hey, Alan?


This might take a while.

MAN (on TV):
Where's Jennifer?

GIRL (on TV):
She went into the caretaker's
shack to look for Cory.

Okay, you stay here.
I'll go find her.

No, I'm coming
with you.

Will you people quit going
into the caretaker's shack?

Cory, are you
in here?

No, you idiot,
Cory's been dead for an hour.

(woman screams)

(cracking sound)

Man, should have went to bed.


Are you crazy?

Well, there are several schools
of thought on that.

So, your dad let you stay
by yourself tonight, huh?

Why not? I'm old enough.
I don't need a baby-sitter.

Okay. Well, th I'll leave you
to your movie.

Wait, wait.
You don't have to go.

Want a Pop Tart?

Sure, why not?

So, what do I need
to know?

Well, basically when
a guy has half a face,

you leave him alone.

Charlie, you
still there?

I told you
it might take a while.

Well, I guess this train isn't
ready to leave the station.

(toilets flush)

You know what they say.

Better to be on the
toilet and not have to go

then to have to go and
not be on the toilet.

Really? And
who says that?

I don't know.
It's folk wisdom.

Uh, the liquid soap
is a nice idea

for the house,
don't you think?

I guess.

I mean, it makes sense
when you think about it.

You know, you wash your hands
with a bar of soap,

you're passing your germs
on to the next guy, but, uh...

with the liquid soap,
it's not an issue.

Good idea.

I'll tell Berta
to pick up some liquid soap.

Great, great.

How funny is Berta?

She is a pistol.

Don't want to get
athlete's hand.

Another good idea
for the house!


Don't even
think about it.

Where'd they go?

Your lady friends left
about 20 minutes ago.

What? Why?

They said something about
life being too short.

Are you happy?

All right, just
give me the check.

Which you and I
will split.

Not necessary.

Mr. Rivera took care
of it before he left
with the ladies.

I guess they'll find out how
"at large" he really is.


I know.

We got a free dinner

Boy, college students
are really stupid.

Yeah, if you shouldn't run
with scissors,

you definitely shouldn't run
with hedge clippers.

I can't believe I missed out
on a sure thing

'cause I was sittin' on the can

listening to you
not take a crap.

You're actually blaming me

because I had to go
to the bathroom?

You didn't have to go
to the bathroom.

You were just trying
to stick me with the check.

Oh, oh, I see,

so you know my bowels
better than I do?

I will when I pull them out
through your nostrils.

Well, I don't have
to listen to this.

What's your hurry?
You see a check coming?

What do you think?

Should we watch
the rest of the movie?

Might as well.

I'm not going to
sleep tonight anyway.

Leave me alone, Charlie.

No, no, no, no,
let's get this
out in the open.

There's nothing
to get out in the open.

I had to go to the bathroom,

and even though I don't have
as mucmoney as you,

I was fully prepared
to split the check.

Not quite 50-50 'cause, you
know, you had the better wine

and your date had two
appetizers, but my fair share.

What are you doing?

What do you think?

Alan, you can sit,
but you can't hide.

I am going to shower
and get ready for bed.

(shuts door)
You're kidding.

You're just going
to walk away from me?

Well, Charlie,
when you're being irrational,

you leave me no choice.

I'm not being irrational.

(water running)

You want to see irrational?

Here's irrational.


Great, My lamp.

What the hell?

I don't freakin' believe it.

(water continues running)

(doorbell rings)

Charlie, the pizza's here!

So it is.

y, why don't I get this one?

Hey, why don't you?


No wallet?

I'll be right back.

I'll wait.

Here you go,
Mr. Harper. $22.75.

Thanks, Gordon.

Hang on.

Keep the change.

Wow, thanks.

Oh, Gordon, wait, w-wait.

You got to hear something.

Hear what?


Wait for it.

(Alan shrieking)

Was that it?


Thanks for waiting.

Looking for something?

Yeah, my... wallet.

Here it is.

Oh, oh, thanks.


The legendary lost wallet
of Alan Harper.


(imitates creaking)

Oh, my.

There's no money in here.



How were you going to pay
for the pizza, Alan?

Uh, I-I have, um... uh...

I have, um...

What is it, Alan?

What do you have?


You sure?

Oh, where did you
find that?

I mean, what is that?

About $5,000
in small bills.

W-Wow, wow, that much?

A little less, since
I paid for the pizza.

And tipped
the guy a 50.

You gave him a $50 tip?


Now I'm going to go light
my cigar with a hundred.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, w-wait!

I just remembered.

I lost a big roll
of bills

that looked a lot
like that one.


It's yours?
I had no idea.

An honest mistake.

You can understand
my confusion.

I mean, a guy has got this
kind of cash laying around,

you'd think he'd be
able to pay for his
own freakin' bagel dog.

You don't understand.

The money isn't for me.


Who's it for?

Old Alan.

Old Alan?

Yeah, you know,
the Alan of the future.

You're kidding.

They're still going
to have Alans in the future?

No, see,
the thing is...

I've been going through

kind of a rough
financial time since...

well... high school.

Anyway, it occurred to me

that I could wind up
an old man

with no one
to take care of me.

I mean, who will Old Alan
be able to count on?

Certainly not Jake,
'cause let's face it,

his best hope
of a steady income is

if missing the toilet
becomes a professional sport.

So, I decided that

whenever somebody
in the office paid in cash,

I'd put it away
for... Old Alan.

What about the IRS?

What about 'em? They don't
care about Old Alan.


Let me get
this straight.

You're squirreling away
money for Old Alan

while Young Alan sponges off
of Dumb Charlie.

I-I-I wouldn't call you dumb.

Sweet Charlie, Loving Charlie.

Can I have my money now?

You have a serious problem,
my friend.

Yes, I do, no question.

Now give me my money.

You need help.

I know, but who can afford it?

All right.

You know what I want you to do
with this money?

Oh, come on, man.
I'm already constipated.

You're gonna spend it.

Every penny.

But, but what about Old Alan?

What will he do?

Well, I'm guessing Old Alan
will be living

on Old Charlie's hide-a-bed
until they bag him and tag him.

You mean, no matter what,

I can always count on you?

keep the money.

There you go.

Enjoy your movies.

Oh, hi, Charlie.

Hey, bro.

I'll take a big box
of Milk Duds.


That's $25.

Anything for
your lady friend?

Nah, that's okay.

She doesn't eat.


Keep the change.

Oh, thanks, Charlie.

I can always count on you.

Come on, baby.

Can you believe
I'm older than him?

Boy, that's some hot chick.


Don't eat the popcorn, Jake.

Sorry, Dad.