Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 4, Episode 7 - Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head - full transcript

Charlie reluctantly agrees to help Berta as she confronts the man who impregnated her youngest daughter and Alan tells Charlie about a secret fetish.


Hold on.

Are you in for Suzanne?

I kinda have to be.

You didn't put your hand
over the phone.

Oh, right.

Sorry, he's not here.

Gimme, gimme.

Sorry about that.
My brother's kid.

Yeah, dumb as a stump.

(doorbell rings)


I'm not sure I have
the right address.

No, you got
the right address.

Charlie, it's for you!

Who is it?



Your chickens have
come home to roost.

Chickens? Karma?

Alan, what the hell
are you talking...


it's for you!


great to see you...


I don't think we've met.



Are you trying
to give me a stroke?

Is that what
you're trying to do?

Well, it's about time.

Oh, hey, Mom.

I got the cleaning stuff
you wanted.

Well, don't just
stand there.

Get in the kitchen
and start using it.


Berta, aren't you
going to introduce us?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Where are my manners?

Charlie, Alan,

I'd like you to meet
my youngest daughter Naomi--

the light of my life.

A little angel
who swooped down from heaven

and landed on
a married man's penis.


And when she got knocked up
and lost her job,

she had to come live with me.

They fired you
for being pregnant?

Yep. Being pregnant

and stealing a few
office supplies.

Eight computers
and a Xerox machine.

Not all at once.

So which one of you guys

is the rich one
who likes to party?

Get to work.

All right.

And when you're done
in the kitchen,

you can scrub the toilets.

All right!

If she spent more time
on her knees than on her back,

she wouldn't be
in this situation.

Not necessarily.

Should she really be scrubbing
toilets in her condition?

Hey, when I was pregnant
with her

I worked right up
until my water broke.

And then I used the water
to mop the floor.

I exaggerate for effect.


Yeah, and we think
our family's screwed-up.

No, no, I meant,
"Wow, Naomi is hot."


Come on.
She's ripe and luscious.

I just want to caress
that taut, voluptuous belly

and, you know...


Who are you?

Oh, come on, you can't tell me
you don't appreciate

the beauty of a woman
in that condition.

Okay, look, freako.

I get the aesthetic appeal

of a woman with
the glow of motherhood,

a new life growing inside
of her, blah, blah, blah.

But long story short--

once there's a bun
in the oven,

I don't feel the need
to butter it.

Well, then you
have missed out

on one of the great sexual
experiences a man can have.

There had to be one.

When Judith was pregnant
with Jake,

I-I don't know
if it was hormones

or pheromones, but she just
could not get enough of me.

And ever since then, every time
I see a pregnant woman,

I just...


Okay, seriously,
you got to stop that.

I am telling you,
it was nine months

of the hottest sex
we've ever had,

even with the morning ckness
and hemorrhoids.

Maybe that explains
Jake's grades.

Morning sickness
and hemorrhoids?

No, the repeated blows
to his unformed head.

You are such an idiot.

All the experts agree
that sex during pregnancy

is not harmful
to the baby.

Experts, shmexperts.

Tonight when you're sleeping,
I'm gonna come in

and start poking you
in the ear with a hot dog.

See how you like it.

Okay, okay, clearly,
we have different opinions.

All I know is,
I find pregnant women

very erotic.

Oh, hey, buddy.

- Hi.
- How long have you been standing there?

Long enough to be very confused.

But we have hot dogs, right?

♪ Men ♪


Excuse me?

Oh, 's just
a little indigestion.

So, uh, she's got you doing
a little ironing, huh?

Yeah. Boy, I can't wait
to get this day over with

and take a nice, hot bath.


You know, uh,

we happen to have a Jacuzzi tub.

It, uh, has those jets and...

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah, fine.

You, uh, you want me
to run some water for you?

No, no, I couldn't.

I got to keep working

or my mom'll be all
over me like hair on soap.

Mm, you, uh,
you do paint a picture.

But still, you, you shouldn't
be working in your condition.

Come on, just, uh,
just sit here.

I'll, uh,
I'll finish it for you.


Yes, really.

Why, thank you.

(both laugh)

You're not doing
a very good job anyway.



So, you know what the baby is?

Well, I'm hoping
for human.

Uh, no, no, I meant boy or girl?

Oh, it's a girl.

Oh, oh, that's nice.

I always wanted a girl.

I mean, you know, I love my son,
but let's face it,

girls are so much smarter
and more spiritual than boys.

Plus, we got all the boobies.

All the good ones anyway.

Courseright now, mine feel
like two big bags of wet sand.


My back is killing me,
my feet are swollen,

and I'm passing gas
like a NASCAR pit crew.

Well, I-I think you look...

Aren't you sweet?

Ooh. God, it feels

like she's playing
Hacky Sack in there.

Wanna feel?

Come on.

What's going on here?

Oh, hi, Berta.

The baby was kicking
and Naomi asked me

if I wanted to feel the baby
kicking and I said, "Sure,"

which is when you walked in,
and that's pretty much it.

Yes, it is okay.

It is okay.

Hey, you're having
a new granddaughter.

W-What a blessing, huh?

Yeah, sort of takes
the sting out of this one

being a gullible tramp.

Now, get off your rump roast
and finish the ironing.

Oh, wait, relax, Berta,
I'll do the ironing.

Why don't you just let Naomi
take it easy?

Easy's the reason
e's in this condition.

Get to it.
All right.

You know, if, if your back
is really bothering you,

I'm a chiropractor...



Zippy is kind of
an affectionate nickname...

'cause I'm quick.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to teach
that girl responsibility.

She's going to be a single
mother with no job skills.

I want her to be able to support
herself with some dignity.

Oh, please, what kind of
dignity can a woman have

ironing clothes and
cleaning strangers' toilets?

I'll tell you what kind.

The dignity of an honest buck
for an honest day's labor.

off to the working gal.
Excuse me.

♪ Men ♪



Go away.

Uh, I actually need
to use the bathroom.

Well, I'm using this one.

Are you okay?

Yeah, Chlie,
I am just aces.

All right, uh...

Would you like a magazine?

Go... away.


Berta, I'm coming in.

Is it okay if I come in?



I didn't want you
to see me like this.

Yeah, well, it's better

than the image
I had in my mind.

What's wrong?

What do you think?

Your daughter?

I had such hopes for her.

Of all of my girls,
she was the smart one.

She was the smart one?

Go on.

I really thought

Naomi would make something
of herself, you know?

A career, a family.

A house that wasn't just
a horse trailer

with a futon in it.

Don't blame yourself.

It's not your fault.

Who said anything about
being my fault, you nimrod?

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm-I'm just saying that-that
you did the best you could.

How the hell do you know?

Actually, I-I don't.

But I am something of an expert
on where girls go wrong.

When-When they start
sleeping around,

it-it's usually a daddy thing.

At least in my experience.

Thanks for trying
to cheer me up, Charlie.

You're welcome.

But you can stop now,

'cause it ain't your forte.


I'll tell you whose fault it is.

Ronald Wiedermeier.


The sleazeball
who pollinated my little flower

then disappeared like cupcakes
at a pot party.

Damn that
Ronald Niedermeier.


Him, too.

Well, I'll tell ya, I am not
gonna let him get away with it.

Good for you.

Guys like that need to know

that there's consequences
to their actions.

They need to learn that-that
women are people with feelings.

They're not just vaginas
that talk.

"Vaginas that talk"?

Damn that Ronald Wiedermeier.

You know, Charlie,
you may be a pig,

but in this case, you're right.

Thank you.

What did I say?

We need to teach
Mr. Wiedermeier a lesson.

I don't think
I said that.

Come on.

No, really, I-I am
almost positive

I didn't say that.

You know, I still
have to pee.

Where the hell are we?

It's called Rancho Pacoima.


It's very... brown.

Yeah, not much grows here
except meth labs and cold sores.

Just out of curiosity,

what exactly are we hoping
to accomplish

here with this Ronald guy?

Well, in the perfect world,
he'd dump his wife

and marry my little hose bag.

But I'll settle
for him stepping up

and paying
for his mistake.

And if he declines?

That's why I brought you.


All I can do at this point
is pee on his rug.

You still have to go?

Well, yeah,
it doesn't evaporate.

Can we pull over for a minute?

In this neighborhood
in a Mercedes?

Sure, if you're partial
to car theft and sodomy.

Take a left right here.

That's not a road.

Well, not during
rainy season.


Oh, God!

I think I hit a dog!

Don't worry.
It was just a rat.

It's okay.
He's getting up.

♪ Men. ♪


What's this stuff
called again?

Vitamin E oil.

Feels really good.


(doorbell rings)

Hey, Mom. I'm
ready to go.

Where's your father?

He's in the den
rubbing oil on Naomi.

Who's Naomi?

Berta's daughter.

Your father's rubbing oil
on a woman in front of you?

Nah. I couldn't watch.

It was too creepy.

Well, we'll just see
about that.

Oh, and by the way, I found out
why I get bad grades.

It's all your fault.

Why is it my fault?

You know.

Oh, yeah, Alan.


Wait in the car.

Alan, what do you think
you're doing?

Oh, hi, Judith.

Naomi here w worried
about stretch marks,

and I was showing her how
vitamin E can help prevent them.

You know, like I did with you.

And then you walked in,
and that's pretty much it.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Hey, why don't you pull up
your top

and let her check out
your belly?

I will not!

So he rubbed this
on you, too?

Oh, he rubbed all right,

but it was only to satisfy
his own twisted needs.

Excuse me, but you were the one
that was constantly horny.

And you sure took advantage
of it, didn't you?

Hey, when the bar is only open
nine months a decade,

you drink till you puke.

And then you keep drinking.

(Jake laughs)

That's funny.

Hey, buddy.

You're turning into quite the little
ninja, aren't you?

There's just one thing
I don't understand.

Well, wha-what's
that, honey?

If you have sex
with a pregnant lady,

wouldn't she have twins?


Otherwise, I'd be having
a whole damn litter.

♪ Men. ♪

(dogs barking)

Cold medicine.

He must have allergies
or something.

You don't watch 60Minutes,
do you?

(bumping and thudding)


You Ronald?


WOMAN: Ronald, who is it?

Damn it, Darlene.
We're incognito, remember?

You cops?


I'm Scully.
This is Mulder.

Listen, can I use
your bathroom?

No, no, it's, uh, not
functioning... correctly.

We use the Chevron
up the block.


No bye-bye.

So, Ronald, this
is the deal.

You've knocked up
my little girl,

and I want to know what
you're gonna do about it.

Well, that depends.

On what?

Who's your little girl?



Oh, I haven't seen Naomi
in a real long time.

About eight,
nine months?

Yeah, that sounds right.


DARLENE: Ronald, what's going on?

sweet cheeks.

Okay, look,

I'd like to keep this
away from the missus.

She's a little volatile.

Hasn't slept really well.

Maybe you've got a coffee can
or a milk jug?

I could just
go around back?

No, no, it's a real mess
back there.

(explosive pop)


Damn it, Darlene. I told you
not to smoke in there.

Well, I don't have
to pee anymore.

♪ Men. ♪


That feels so good.

(breaks wind)


Oh, no, don't be silly.

It's a... It's a natural bodily function.

The, uh, the baby is-is pressing
down on the intestines and...

Oh, dear Lord!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no.
No, it's-it's all right.

Uh, I'm used to it.

When my wife was pregnant...

Oh, that's got
some hang time.

You are so sweet, Alan.

How come I've never
met a man like you?

Well, speaking on behalf
of men like me,

we don't get out a lot.

(breaks wind)


I'm not.

You know, these sweatpants
are really comfortable.

That's 'cause they're dry.

And boy, what a deal.

What did you call
that place again?

A swap meet.

Swap meet.

Well, aside from the exploding
meth lab and peeing myself,

this was a fun
little trip.

I got the sweatpants
and a bag of tube socks,

four DVDs and a corn dog,
all for eight bucks.

Just a hint.

The corn dog will last longer
than the socks.

Oh, God! Oh!

Oh, it's
too big!

What the hell?

Alan, you sick freak.


Oh, hi. She's
having a baby.

Oh, damn!

It's all right, honey.
Mommy's here.

(Naomi moaning)


What? You never saw
an angry one before?

Out of the
way, Zippy.

It's okay.
I'm a chiropractor.

(screaming and sobbing)

You got it.

It's okay, honey.
That's it, yeah.

Now take a big deep breath
and push!

Yeah, whoa, whoa,
hold on! hold on!

Let me put down
some t


Breathe. Now, push!

(pained groaning
and crying)




Now, you listen up,
Brittany Pam,

you're my last chance.

You're gonna go to college,

and you're gonna make something
of yourself.

No getting knocked up

by some greasy tweer
from Rancho Pacoima.

Oh, gee, Mom, about that.

I've-I've kind of been
counting back the weeks,

and Ronald can't be the daddy.


Yeah. See, he was in a burn unit
at the time.

He wanted to, but his skin
just kept sliding off.

Oh, God.

Here comes
the corn dog.

So... so, who is the father?

Well, I got it narrowed down.

Hmm. Dear Lord.

I'll know for sure
if she starts speaking Spanish.

Well, we just
shut down Ronald for $5,000.


You were hiding behind the car,
pulling off your wet undies.

Oh, make yourself

The doctor will
be right in.


Come on, freako.

You are absolutely radiant.

Best of luck.

Sorry about your couch.

Good news, honey:
I got you $4,000.