Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 4, Episode 1 - Working for Caligula - full transcript

Joy to the world
I'm getting laid.

I'm getting laid tonight.

We?ll light the yule log, deck the halls,
and then we'll play some jingle ballz.

It's been a real long wait
this is our second date.

It's Christmas Eve
and I'm getting laid.

Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog.

You want this broad lit up
or just slightly glowing?

Well, let?s see, we?re
celebrating peace on earth

...and good will towards all mankind,
so let?s get ?er plowed!

Hallelujah!

Glo-oh-oh-oh-oh-ria



Tonight I?m boinking Gloria.

Subtitle by LaDa

Two and a Half Men
S 04 E 11

"Walnuts and Demerol"

Four callgirls, three french maids
two drunk twins...

...and a lap dance in a pear tree.

Merry Christmas, Uncle Charlie.

Oh, right.
The other part of Christmas.

Go ahead, open it.

Hold on.
Let me give you your gift first.

I don't want you to think I forgot you.

- A hundred bucks? Wow!
- I picked it out myself.

- Now open yours.
- Okay.

It's kind of exciting...



Fart in a can?

You don't have one, do you?

Well, I've got you.

This is good for travel.

Jake, I just talked to your mom
she's gonna be here any minute.

Don't look at Uncle Charlie's gift.
You're getting the same thing.

- Oh, boy. I'm excited.
- Don't be.

Oh, speaking of gifts...
Merry Christmas.

I'll leave it up to you.

You can open it tomorrow
morning at your mom's or...

You can rip it open with
your teeth like a rabied jackal.

You got me the new Nintendo?

It's from Uncle Charlie, too.

You owe me 125 dollars.

- But I just...
- Wow, this is so cool!

Thanks Dad! Thanks Uncle Charlie!

Yeah yeah. Merry Christmas.

- I'm gonna go hook it up.
- No no no.

No, you're leaving.

Your Uncle Charlie's hookin' up.

- You're leaving too, right?
- Yes, relax.

I plan on spending Christmas Eve
at a movie theatre all by myself...

...just so you can have sex tonight.

You can have sex too.

Just pick the right movie theatre.

Jake! Time to go!

Take some paper towels and
don't wear your suede shoes.

- Ho ho ho.
- That's another option.

- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas! Come on in.

Hey, Merry Christmas, Charlie.

Yeah, swell. I go get the kid.

- Ooh, eggnog.
- Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us.

We're spending the holiday
in San Diego with my parents.

That's why I need eggnog.

Hey, I spent thanksgiving with your parents.

Oh, oh really? Your Mom's out of rehab?

Yes, my Mom's out of rehab.

Actually, she kind of jumped the fence.

Well, woman's gonna be your mother-in-law
you might as well get used to it.

Remember the time she rode out
of Betty Ford on a lawnmower?

On a plus side she bakes Toll House
cookies with walnuts and demerol.

Stuff never goes back in
the box the way it came out.

That's a life lesson, Jake.

Come on, your Mom's here.
Vamos.

Ok, table set on the deck
and dinner's in the owen.

Right.

You might wanna keep the
candles away from the eggnog.

Got it.

Allright then.
I'm leaving now.

Well, then goodbye and thanks.

Yeah, Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

- All the best.
- Same to you.

Gimme my bonus you blockhead.

Oh, right.

Thank you for all your hard work.

I couldn't get along without you.

You're one in a million.

Really?

What would Jesus do?

- Herb?
- Oh, no thanks. I'm driving.

I'll have some.

No, you won't.
It's for grownups.

I'll have another.

Sweetie, my parents are waiting.

I know, dear.

Apple doesn't fall far
from the tree, does it?

Okay. Merry Christmas to all.
And to all: a goodbye.

Hang on. I got a long bus ride and
I dont want to sober up halfway home.

Hello?

Kandy?
What are you doing here?

I didn't wana be alone on Christmas Eve
and I didn't know where else to go.

Where's your new boyfriend?

He decided to spend
Christmas with his family.

Why didn't he bring you along?

He thought I would make
his wife uncomfortable.

Oh, sweetie come on in.

Whoa whoa whoa
I've got company coming, remember?

I can't just throw her out, Charlie.

How do you know if you don't try?

Lighten up, it's Christmas.

Okay, two minutes, and then
I bring out the fart in the can.

You remember Judith.

- Hi Judith.
- Hello.

And this is her fianc?, Herb.

- Hi Herb.
- Hi.

Hey, let me take your coat.

Oh my golly.

Well, I guess we should get going.

What's the hurry?

Your parents are waiting, remember?

What do you care,
they don't like you anyway.

Eggnog?

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

I'm a doctor.

A real one or like Alan?

I'm a pediatrician.

Wow. So you're into feet?

No. Children.

Isn't that illegal?

Berta. Don't you have a bus to catch?

And miss the show, are you nuts?

Feliz navidad everyone.

I didn't see that one coming.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Well I was on my way to a party.
Thought I drop off your gift...

...so I don't have to schlepp back here
tomorrow and mess up my day.

- Charlie?
- Rose!

How could you have a Christmas
party and not invite me.

- This isn't a Christmas party.
- What do you call it?

The beggining of a new story that ends with
the phrase: "then turned the gun on himself"

Allright, allright.
Everybody listen up, listen to me.

There is no party.
You all have to leave now...

because a beautiful woman is coming over...

and I intend to get her drunk
and have sex with her.

That's a good plan.

Except I'm already drunk.

Boy, I can't wait 'till the second act.

Here we go.
More fuel for the fire.

You said you were going home.

Well, that was before I knew
you're having a party.

This isn't a party.

It's just a bunch of people I don't like
standing around drinking my booze.

Oh, crap. It is a party.

Gimme that.

I'd love to know what
those two are talking about.

I could tell you. I read lips.

- Really?
- Yep.

Now you're date is saying...

A wily ostrich sank my boat.

I have a little congestion in my
upper chest. Can you take a look at it?

- Oh well I could...
- Kandi, he's a pediatrician.

- He only treats children.
- Now hold on.

There's no actual age limit.

I took an oath to ease
suffering wherever I find it.

Alan, a word.

Oh, good. A word.

I don't have my stethoscope, so why don't
you just breathe in and out for me.

Make this stop.

I'm sorry.
I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't screw with me. Tell your ex-wife
to stop flirting with my fianc?.

Gee, that's funny. the way I see it,
your peanut butter is all over my chocolate.

Damn it, Alan,
I can make your life a living hell.

How would I know the difference?

Cough again.

Once more.

Let's have a little pow-wow.

She might have a touch of the croup.

- Listen, Herb.
- So you were married to her?

Yes, we were married.

Herb, Judith is getting
really upset with you.

So you got to see her naked?

Stay with me Herb.

- Your fianc?e is very angry.
- Really? How come?

I don't know. Maybe it's because you were
trying to use Kandi's nipple as a Q-Tip.

It's Ok.
I'm a doctor.

Just do yourself a favor,
go pay some attention to Judith.

Oh, allright.

Some party, huh?

Yeah, I'm glad I didn't
waste this buzz on the bus.

Here comes your mom. Act like you
didn't know what they were saying.

- Charlie. I must talk to you.
- I know. Why is that?

How serious is your
relationship with Gloria?

Not that it's any of your business,
but this is our second date.

What happened on the first date?

He went out to dinner, he took her
home and made out a little bit in the car.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you want to tell it?

- So you haven't slept together.
- Not yet.

- Oops, here I go again.
- That's good.

Darling, you need to end
this relationship now.

Why?

- Do you trust me?
- No.

Ok, but you know I have your
best interest at heart, don't you?

No.

Allright, then let me put it this way.

I forbid you to see this woman anymore.

You forbid?

What gives you to forbid?
I'm 39 years old.

I'm your mother, you're 40, and you
must not see this woman anymore.

Mom, you know that just
makes me want her more.

Charlie, I mean it.

I'm getting hotter.

Look. I know certain things about
Gloria's past wich are, well... unsavory.

Ok, I'm going supernova.

Would you listen to me?

If you continue to see this woman,
it will hurt me deeply.

I may have to marry this girl.

Okay, okay. You give me no choice.

Who are you calling?

It's probably about the
ostrich and the boat.

Charlie, I'm getting pretty drunk,
so if you like a girl who moves

you better do me soon.

Follow me.

Aw, ain't that sweet? Everytime
a guy has sex and angel gets a stiffie.

Will you look at them?

Oh, I completely forgot
about the subplot.

What do you want me to do, Judith?
He's your man. You want him, fight for him.

How could I compete with that?

There's no competition.
Herb loves you.

You have a mature, sophisticated
relationship based on mutual respect.

All Kandi has is...

There will be other men...

Just get her as soon as you can!

Where's Charlie?
Oh, dammit!

Oh, I get it. It's like Tony n' Tina's
Wedding. You gotta followin' around.

Hey Mammy-o, Daddy-o!
- Hi buddy.

Mammy-o, Daddy-o, Daddy-o
Mammy-o, Mammy-o, Daddy-o.

STOP!

Mom!

Get out of that bed this instant!

I don't think that's a good idea.

Charlie, I'm warning you.

You can't tell him what to do,
he's 34 years old.

- What?
- She's drunk.

Mom, what are you doing here?

I'm trying to keep you
from doing a horrible mistake.

What do you care?
I make this mistake on a regular basis.

Some might call it a lifestyle.

- Charlie, I...
- I don't want to hear it.

I came up here to do a job.
Actually, two jobs and a chore.

Now, you can stay and watch,
wich I don't recommend,

or you can leave. Either way Gloria
and I are going to have sex.

Go ahead.

Okay, I'm bluffing.

He sure is.

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh

Jingle bells, jingle bells...

- Um, have you seen Jake?
- Nope.

Huh.

- Jake?
- Whoa, whoa!

Judith, what the
hell are you doing?

You told me to fight for my man,
I'm fighting for my man.

Alan, would you please close the door?

Allright.

Twelve years of marriage, she never
fought for me from that angle.

Silent night

Holy night

- Kandi?
- Yeah?

Take a break.
- Oki doc.

Hello.

Oh my goodness. Are you Alan?

- Um, yes.
- I haven't seen you in 35 years.

No kidding.
I'm sorry I don't remember you.

Oh, well I'm not surprised.

At the time you were busy
learning to use the big boy potty.

Ah, well...

I did it!

Good job.

Um, listen Alan.
I'm looking for my daughter.

Drunk blonde?

Well she isn't always... blonde.

- Upstairs.
- Ah, thank you.

You know, you turned out
to be a very attractive man.

Oh, thank you.

Could have gone either way.

Lucky you grew into those ears.

Frosty the Snowman

Was a very jolly soul

With a corncob pipe and a button nose

And two eyes made out of coal.

Dammit Charlie, you don't know
what you're getting into here.

Oh, I think I have a pretty good idea.

I mean what could you
possibly tell me about Gloria

that would get me
to kick her out of bed?

She's married, clinically insane,
she's a man? You're not a man, are you?

- No.
- Then we're good.

- Gloria, get out of that bed!
- Mom!

Mom?

- Well, did tell them?
- I tried, but I couldn't.

- Why not?
- What do you mean why not?

What do you think?

Oh, so as usual I have
to do your dirty work.

You can't sleep with him
because he might be your brother.

There. Was that so hard?

It's certainly not hard for
someone who has no shame.

Says the woman who killed my husband.

I did not kill Sherman,
I made Sherman happy.

Excuse me, excuse me.
Hold on, hold on.

Can we go back to the part,
where I may be her brother...

Oh, dear Lord, has the blood
not returned to your brain, yet?

It was the 70's, we were
young attractive couples.

And there was a gas shortage,
so we had to entertain at home.

Wait, wait wait.

Are you saying you and her husband...

Yes, and she and your father...

it's a blame-o pack.

It started with a weekly
fondue party, but...

one night the dipping didn't stop at cheese.

Fortunately some of us couldn't handle it.

You did unspeakable things with Sherman
and then he wanted to them with me.

Oh nonsense, I just raised the bar a bit.

Raised the bar? Do you have any idea...

how many third world
countries that man visited...

trying to find someone else
who would do those things?

He didn't have to go abroad.
He was just looking for a bargain.

If it weren't for you he would never
have contracted Amoebic dysentery and die.

I... I hate to interrupt...

but I'm still trying to process
the "I'm her brother" thing.

Not the shiniest penny
in the road, is he?

Now allright.
I guess I'm gonna spell it out for you.

Based on the amount
of time that have lapsed...

between the last fondue
party and Gloria's birth...

Not to mention the fact that Sherman
lost interest in traditional sex with me.

Thank you very much.

There is a very real possibility
that your father may be her father.

- Wow.
- God!

So you can see why an incest of this nature
is completely unacceptable.

It's not like we couldn't
have forseen this...

given that your son has spent
the bulk of his adult life...

humping his way through the
greater Los Angeles area.

Oh, unlike this boozeled tart
is an innocent victim.

Hey, I'm drunk not deaf.

Just get of bed and get dressed.

Well, that was humiliating.

Just be glad we didn't have to tell them
about our little experiment.

- Don't remind me.
- Oh, you loved it.

Oh, a third act twist.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- I'm so horny right now I can't believe it.
- Who whoa whoa.

Did you miss what just went down here, sis?

Oh, come on it's not like we're gonna get
married and have a bunch of web-footed kids.

You have absolutely no boundaries, do yo?

Well, I don't like fat guys...

Interesting.

Turns out, I draw the line at incest.

So you'd do a fat guy?

Did you hear that?
Charlie found his boundary.

It's a miracle.
Christmas miracle.

Judith, can I just say that this
was the best Christmas ever?

Yeah, well, don't get used to it.

'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house...

Not a creature was stirring...

Okay, just so we're clear, you're
only doing this to piss off my Mom?

You have a problem with that?

No, that makes it better.