Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 3, Episode 6 - Hi, Mr. Horned One - full transcript

After Charlie's Gothic latest bed-partner Isabella gets him drunk and hands him over to her Satanist coven, both brothers are scared by sudden and unexpected physical afflictions. After Bertha meets Isabella and flees, the Harpers fear her spell and try to rescue Jake too. Salvation comes from someone proven even scarier.

English Subtitles.
Two and a Half Men S03E06 - Hi, Mr. Horned One - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

That's a cool snake tattoo
on your back.

Thanks. That's Anacoth,
the demon who eats human souls.

My friend Jeffrey has a dog
that eats its own poop.

He tries to lick our face
but we don't let him.

- Okay.
- Who's that one?

That's the Goddess of the Damned.

She whose name cannot be spoken.

- Why, is it hard to pronounce?
- What?

We have a friend at school like that.
He's from India. We just call him Rusty.

No kidding.

- Does it hurt to get tattoos?
- Yeah.

- But it's worth it, you know?
- Sure.

Once I bit my tongue really hard
eating a frozen Milky Way...

...but it was totally worth it.

- Good morning.
- Hey, Dad.

- Hey.
- Hi, I'm Alan, Jake's dad.

- Isabella.
- She's a friend of Uncle Charlie's.

I would hope so.

and she was showing me her tattoos.

Lucky you.

There was a time you'd have to pay a
quarter and go into a tent to see that.

Now it's right at your breakfast table.

- Go get dressed.
- I wanna see the rest of her tattoos.

- Go.
- I have a quarter.


All right.

Isabella, I hate to be a fuddy-duddy
but we keep the house smoke free.

I'm sorry.

Charlie didn't say anything
when I was smoking in bed last night.

Yeah, well, Charlie's lungs aren't always
on the same page as his penis.

- Morning, baby.
- Hey.

If you don't like it, don't watch.

I'm gonna go upstairs
and take a shower. You wanna join me?

Sure. Just let me get some fluids in me
so I got something to work with.

Hurry. Anacoth is hungry.

Anacoth is hungry?

She's referring to her snake tattoo.

Her vagina is called Linda.

Pretty name.

I don't wanna overstep my bounds.

This is your house and you're free
to bring into it whoever...

...or whatever you choose.

But I do think I have the right... protect Jake
from being exposed to certain people.

Well, you'd better take him to a hotel.

Because that girl ain't leaving
till one of us is dead.

- Come on, Charlie.
- No. No.

You come on.
You see a little body ink and cigarette...

...and you immediately condemn her.

She's smart,
she's got a great sense of humor...

...and in bed she moves like one of those
paint shakers at Sherwin-Williams.

Nevertheless, I would rather
she didn't hang around Jake.

Fine. I'll talk to her.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Now, unless you wanna lather up
my fanny...

...I'm gonna go hop in the shower
with Anacoth and Linda.

Isabella. I... I didn't hear you come in.

You weren't meant to.

So... think I'm a bad influence
on your kid?

Well, gee, I wouldn't put it that way.

But, you know,
kids are impressionable.

And the violent psycho-sexual imagery
of your body art...

...not to mention the smoking...

...aren't something a young boy
needs to... Why are you taking my hair?

Just a little quirk of mine.

I used to collect stamps.

You know, people like you
have been persecuting people like me...

...for thousands of years.

Well, that's a bit hard to believe.

Seeing as people like me
have historically been victims and food.

But just for clarity...

...who exactly are the people like you?

Those whose eyes are open to a greater
reality than you could ever imagine.

I see.

And do they all collect hair?

- Don't mock what you don't understand.
- I'm sorry.

I tend to resort to mocking
when I'm totally creeped out.

I don't like you.

Yeah, well...

...I'm rubber, you're glue.

Something, something, something, you.

So be it.

So be it.

So be it.

Damn it.

What the hell?

I don't think so, Mom.

First of all, I'm just not a big fan
of costume parties.

Yeah, Jake likes The Wizard of Oz.
I don't think he'd enjoy hanging out...

...with a bunch of drunken real-estate
agents dressed like Judy Garland.

Okay, I'll get him.

Mom wants to ask you something.

Hi, Mom. No.

What happened to your face?

Nothing, I just thought I'd put little
blood-soaked pieces of toilet paper on it.

What do you think?

It suits you.

- What's the deal with your eye?
- I don't know. I think I'm getting a sty.

Might be a bit much
with the toilet paper.

I'd go with one or the other.

- Thank you for your input.
- No problem.

- Where you going?
- Isabella's taking me to a party.

She said it's gonna be out of control.

Can you imagine what this girl
considers to be out of control?

Well, let's see.
Biting the head off a live chicken?

Vivisecting homeless people...

...and playing Hacky Sack
with their still-beating hearts?

What are you talking about?

Do you have any idea
what Isabella is really into?

So she's a little kinky.

No, no, no.
Kinky is a feather duster up your butt.

I think this woman
tried to put a curse on me.

Oh, please.
Who of us hasn't done that?

To know you is to curse you.

She took my hair.

- She took your hair?
- Yeah.

Yeah. And then she laughed like:

- Oh, well, that's different.
- So you see my concern?

Yes, I do. Good night.

Where you going?

To pick up a bottle of wine
and a feather duster.

You sure my Mercedes
is okay parked on the street?

I mean, I gave that crack whore $10
to watch it but now I'm thinking...

...who's watching the crack whore?

Don't worry about your car.


So where are all the guys?

How come I'm the only weenie
in this pot of beans?

- Because this party is in your honor.
- Really? What did I do?

You're a vessel of the masculine
life force.

You picked up on that?

I tell people that all the time
and they just get snotty.

These women are all my sisters.
They all want to please you.

Well, gosh, that's swell.

- Then you're okay with this?
- Lt was my idea.

Let me tell you something, Isabella,
you are just tops in my book.

This is very tasty.
What'd you say this was?

- A secret elixir.
- Secret elixir, huh?

I'm more of a bourbon guy
but push comes to shove...

...I don't know
what the hell's in that either.

Oh, boy.
Getting a little fuzzy around the edges.

Got any crackers?

- He's ready.
- You bet your Gothic ass I am.

- Where are we going?
- To the altar room.

Oh, boy. What's the altar room?

It's where we anoint you.

Oh, boy. I'm getting anointed.

Sounds nasty.

- Anoint him.
- Anoint him.

Anoint him.

Anoint him.

Anoint him. Anoint him. Anoint him.

Anoint him. Anoint him. Anoint him.

Anoint him. Anoint him. Anoint him.

Anoint him. Anoint him.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Great googly-mooglies.

- What the hell happened to you?
- I'm not sure.

Looks like you got bit in the face
by one of them Ebola monkeys.

I don't think so, Berta.

I mean,
you weren't exactly eye-candy going in.

But now:

You could scare the flies
off a manure truck.

Thank you. Until you said that
I was feeling a little self-conscious.

- You know I'm razzing you, don't you?
- Yeah.

I mean, it's really not that... Oh,
sweet lord, I'm gonna lose my Eggos.

Okay, if open-mike night
in the burn ward is over...

...I'm gonna make breakfast and get out
before Charlie's new girlfriend gets up.

is she not as compassionate as me?

She's just a very creepy woman.

Well, putting aside
the whole pot-kettle thing, creepy how?

Well, she's got tattoos all over her.

I've got tattoos.

And she's got this very dark,
hostile attitude.

Okay, you might actually like her...

...but I don't want to have anything
to do with her.

Good morning.

Isabella. Hello.

That's a nasty looking eye
you've got there.

It's just a sty.


What else would it be?

Hey, Vampira...

...tell Count Humpula to get out of bed
so I can change his sheets.

Charlie and I are spending the entire day
in bed.

We do not want to be disturbed.
Do you understand?

Is it getting cold in here?

Do you understand?

Yep. You betcha.

Thank you.

Bye, Alan. Take care of that eye.

I will. Thank you.
You see what I mean about...?

- What are you doing?
- Leaving.

- Why?
- Did you see that bitch?

You gotta put a whole lot of gone
between you and a broad like that.

- But wait a second...
- Goodbye and good luck.

That is some sty.

This is no sty. This is something else.
Something evil.

Something ugly.

You know what? I'm starting to think
your girlfriend did this.

- Oh, come on.
- Charlie, this isn't just about me.

Have you taken a look
at yourself recently?

Oh, man.

It's gonna take more than
a little spray-on tan to fix that.

Do you realize how long
you've been upstairs with her?

- That depends.
- On what?

On what day it is.

It's Sunday evening. I haven't seen you
since you went to that party.

Oh, yeah, the party.

- That was some great party.
- What happened?

I have no idea.

Although, I did wake up with this.

- Oh, my God.
- Am I Jewish now?

Charlie, that's not the Star of David,
it's a pentagram.

It's a satanic symbol
used to call forth demons from hell.

Oh, that's not good.

- You need to cut Isabella loose.
- I can't.

Why not?

Because together we shall spawn
a child named Giglamesh.. (Gilgamesh!?)

And he shall bring forth
a new age of darkness.

You know, maybe it's time to slow
this relationship down a little bit.

Slow it down? You need to drive a stake
through its heart.

- Is she still here?
- Yeah.

Okay, here's the plan.

So we'll submit to her will and serve the
Lord Beelzebub with all our hearts.

I'll grab Jake.

You start the car. We'll drive somewhere
safe. I'm thinking the Vatican.

- Don't be ridiculous.
- What are you gonna do?

- You said it. We have to cut her loose.
- "We"? I didn't say "we."

I never said "we."

Hear us, oh, Horned One.

Wrap your dark wings
around this young soul...

...and grant him
all the rewards he desires.

Okay, hi, Mr. Horned One.

Here's the deal,
I'll trade you my soul for...

What do I get, like, three wishes?

He's the Lord of the Underworld,
not a genie.

Oh, okay. Can I talk to a genie?

Jake, get over here.

Sorry, Dad,
but you're no longer my master.

The hell I'm not. Go to your room.

I'm old enough
to choose my own religion.


How dare you interfere?

Good question.

Alan, tell her how we dare.

Hey, you brought her here,
you get her out.

Are you trying to get rid of me?

Okay, well, no, not you personally.

This is more of a legal issue.

It turns out Malibu is not zoned
for satanic rituals.

Or any of the black arts, really.
Right, Alan?

That's true. You're fine in Hollywood.

Pretty much anywhere
east of the 405 freeway, actually.

- Shut up, Alan.
- Just trying to help.

Did you really think
that you can end this?

I was kind of hoping.

Don't you realize that our souls
are now bound together...

...destined to writhe ecstatically
in blessed hellfire for all eternity?

Boy, I know how to pick them,
don't I?

Charlie, do you remember
the vows you took last night?

- Vows?
- You took vows? What kind of vows?

If you'll shut up, maybe we'll find out.

You vowed unending fealty
to the sisterhood of the coven.

You did that? Why would you do that?

Will you please shut up?

I did that? Why would I do that?

Did you think those beautiful women
were pleasuring you...

...because of your boyish charm?

Well. No, not all of them.

I just figured after the first three or four,
word of mouth started to spread.

Wait, wait, how many women
are we talking about here?

I don't know. Nine, 10...

Thirteen. The sacred number.

And a personal best for me.

How do you have sex
with 13 women at one time?

Well, apparently,
you have to take some vows.

Okay, okay, listen.

Thank the girls for me,
tell them I had a wonderful time...

...but tell them I have to pass
on the fealty stuff.

I have a previous commitment to,
you know, God.

It doesn't work that way, Charlie.

If you break your vows... bring down upon yourself
the ancient curse of betrayal.

- Well, that's the chance I'll have to take.
- So be it.

So be it.

Just kidding.

Simply out of curiosity,
what exactly is this curse?

What should I be on the lookout for?

- Your crops will wither in the field.
- Yeah, okay.

Your cattle will sicken and die.

Your manhood will shrivel
and become a useless husk.

I gotta fold here, Alan.

Okay, you got me.

What do you say we call the girls over
and start spawning baby Giglamesh... (!? Gilgamesh)

- Don't do this.
- Hey, when she's shriveling your husk...

...then you get a vote.

Go ahead, call the coven.

Wow, you gals could make a fortune
delivering pizzas.


Boo, everybody.

Now, not a word, Charlie.

You're all coming with me
to my costume party...

...and I'm not taking no for an answer.



You know each other?

In a manner of speaking.

- What are you doing here?
- Nothing.

These are my sons.

It was an accident. I had no idea.

Please, believe me.

Goodbye, Isabella.

Yes, goodbye.

- Bye, Charlie.
- Hold on, hold on.

What about the vows,
the curse and the shriveling?

I have no idea what he's talking about.

What? She's in my Pilates class.

- I'll buy that.
- Okay.

Now, are you coming to my party
or you gonna give me a hard time?

- I'm coming to the party.
- Me too.

Jake, come get your costume.

- What's Mom gonna wear?
- Shut up.

Let's go. Grand-mommy doesn't want
to be late to her costume party.

Oh, come on, boys. Sell it.

Very nice.

Now fly, my pets, fly.

I call shotgun.

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